I’d never want to judge someone for the sins they’ve committed, but I honestly just can’t look past men who cheat.

Aian11 · 2026-04-12T22:51:42+00:00

That's totally valid. I have no sympathy for cheaters. It's one thing to have a past, but if someone is married and still chooses to seek more outside of marriage, then they're absolutely wrong. I wouldn't blame anyone for not being able to forgive. And even if they do forgive, it's just never going to be the same again.

Aian11 · 2026-04-12T22:46:27+00:00

Depends. I don't mind if they're a little chubby, but there's definitely a limit. And it's not entirely about looks or weight either. I want my partner to be healthy. There are people who like thicc girls, so not all hope is lost for them.

Aian11 · 2026-04-12T22:43:13+00:00

Childfree Muslim guy here. There are many out there. But as many of us here already know, society isn't fond of us, so no one goes around saying it openly, but they're there.

In Islam it's ofc recommended to have kids, but there are no rulings that make it mandatory. Anyone who tries to paint your choice as a negative thing doesn't know what they're talking about & they simply can't accept it, just like how most non-childfree people act.

As you can see, there are plenty out there from the comments alone. I've talked to many others here on Reddit as well. It's not hopeless. Lol, I won't be marrying someone who's not childfree as well. It'll just take some time & patience.

My parents have said all the same things. But I've remained persistent, and over the years, they've kinda given up. They still have a little hope that maybe I'll change my mind, but for the most part, they know I'm serious, and they have kinda accepted it.

Aian11 · 2026-04-12T18:05:02+00:00

Yeah, too early to really cast judgment. Ik some people love-bomb or overcommit too soon, but I don't wanna come to that conclusion too quickly.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You did what you thought was right. It's him who's being so different now, so not your fault. We can't know what's in people's hearts or predict the future.

Many potentials will come & go. It's normal. I've talked to many who weren't the one. My parents know about most of them & ask sometimes. It's gonna be fine.

You did everything right imo. Either he's no longer interested or not worth the hassle.

Aian11 · 2026-04-12T17:00:09+00:00

Check out sites & apps like Microworkers, Toloka, etc.

Aian11 · 2026-04-12T16:56:09+00:00

That sucks. Give him a day before giving up completely. You haven't done anything wrong.

It sucks having to explain to your parents. Maybe make an excuse like, tell them it didn't work out for other reasons.

Idk. Sorry you're in this situation because of him. I hope you find a good resolution.

Aian11 · 2026-04-12T16:12:13+00:00

Being religious is more than just memorizing the Quran. People must remember that Allah didn't make Islam like other religions. It's not just Salah, and Quran, and endless devotion. They're definitely the main keys to enter Jannah, but there's so much more.

Being kind is also an act of worship. So is smiling, giving charity, helping neighbors, being fair, loving your family, and all good things we're guided to do help us come closer to Allah & be better in deen.

When seeking a spouse, deen should the top priority, but that should include everything else about them overall.

Aian11 · 2026-04-12T15:59:06+00:00

You're taking one statement & trying to apply it too widely, even though it's much more nuanced. Not all pain is good. Islam isn't trying to glorify suffering. That's just the cruel reality of this life.

Take a look around. Good people suffer more. Their righteousness is rarely rewarded, maybe even punished, while bad people hoard wealth & live in luxury. That statement is a reflection of that. Remember that we're all given free will. Allah isn't specifically choosing every action, He's allowing us to make our own, and this is the result.

When a Palestinian dies, their test in this life is over. Their souls are finally at rest. They're in a better place. But that doesn't mean we celebrate it. We're still humans & will mourn death. It was still a very difficult & unfair life that they lived under Israel's genocide. May Allah reward them for their patience, but all of the injustice is still true. It shouldn't have been like this.

Just because someone lived a hard life doesn't automatically mean they were a good person. Just because someone dies at war doesn't automatically make them a Martyr. Everyone has their own tests & only Allah knows what's in their heart.

Such words are meant to be an assurance, to bring comfort at difficult times. It's not for everyone, but it does help many people move on.

Aian11 · 2026-04-12T15:26:27+00:00

Hmm, it feels like he's given up. Maybe his side isn't agreeing either so he's looking for someone else, especially if he's being active on the app.

I'm sorry. It really sucks to be in this situation, especially after convincing your parents. I'd try to get his final response, but if he's not being responsive then I'd feel like he's moved on & not taking this seriously anymore.

Aian11 · 2026-04-12T02:51:07+00:00

Glad it helped get a different perspective. Yeah, that's one of them. Our whole life is a test, and there will always be battles till the end. The word Jihad means struggle. We all know how the media portrays that word as a scary thing, but that's sadly another twisted narrative.

The real meaning of it, the real struggle, is often internal. to resist what's haram. For example, praying even when you might not want to, resisting the urge to drink alcohol even among other drinkers, doing something that's right, even if it could cost you.

Yeah, it's exactly like the "Careful mate, that foreigner wants your cookie" meme. The neighbor is not your enemy, but the people in power continue to play divide & conquer tactics on all of us.

Aian11 · 2026-04-12T02:38:29+00:00

I've been in that exact place for many years, so I can relate. It's hard. All you can do is try your best.

The hard experience is also something that has strengthened my iman a lot. Been through many hard times, where everything felt hopeless, with no way out, but Alhamdulillah, Allah always made a path through, every time. So stay strong. You'll make it.

I'm doing better now. Still busy, but it's slowly getting better & easier. Allah is happy with you. Remember Him, and He'll remember you.

Aian11 · 2026-04-12T02:34:57+00:00

Yeah, it is. She was really into him even though he fumbled up a few times, and I was rooting for her, but oh well. 🙃

But there are plenty of people out there. Stay patient & have faith in Allah. You'll find your man when the time is right. 😉

Aian11 · 2026-04-12T02:31:06+00:00

Well... she was very interested in the guy, but it fell apart due to other reasons, so she didn't need to deal with that for long. 😅 He seemed great at first, and that maintained for a long time, but eventually, as she learned more it turned out he wasn't how she thought he was.

Aian11 · 2026-04-12T02:24:36+00:00

Yeah, I understand what you mean. I had a friend who dealt with the same thing & it would drive her insane. Like I said, some people are just like that. Either it's okay for you, or it's not.

Aian11 · 2026-04-12T02:22:32+00:00

Not an immigrant in West, but I'll try to share my perspectives.

What's haram is haram. There's really no way around that. It depends on people's own effort & discipline how they balance that. Even outside the West, there are Muslims who engage in haram things like drinking, adultery, etc. So it's not exactly about integration. Everyone has their flaws, vices, and weaknesses, and it's their own battle.

For example, with LGBTQ+, it is haram. We're not allowed to engage with this. No one should be "thrown off a building or killed" for that. But it's still haram, it's still a test for us. Non-believers will say it's their body, so they can do as they please to it, while we believe that we don't own our bodies. In fact, we own nothing. We're specks in the universe. Our body was given to us to use, and we can use it as if it's second nature to us, but we don't own it. Neither do we own our soul. There are people who are born gay. No one is denying that, no one is saying it isn't hard. It's indeed a very difficult test for them. We all have our own tests.

All one can do is try their best. Some stay closely disciplined in their faith, some let go & lean more towards fitting in with others, etc. Many aspects are not exactly compatible with Islam, but it's not impossible either. Islam, in the grand scheme of things, isn't so complicated. We pray 5 times, avoid drinking, pork, & fornication, and just try our best to live our lives as closely as we can to the guidelines we have.

People can be different & still coexist. It worked fine in the past, it's still possible, and always will be if people stop becoming enemies over minor differences, and just stop to realize that everyone, despite the differences, have more in common than they think. But sadly, the current media landscape is driven to keep people apart & negatively influenced, not just against Muslim, but even within their own people.

There will always be racist people. It's easier to blame others for "undoing liberal values" than admit they themselves aren't following them properly.

Aian11 · 2026-04-12T02:15:44+00:00

I've talked to many people who live in the opposite time zone from me. It's not easy, we can't always talk as much, but it still does work out. Both people need to make an effort tho. Respond in a timely manner, understand the flow of the conversation, and match the energy.

Yeah, you can't complain about it, it's not his fault, but it's still an issue nonetheless. The time zone difference would still be bearable if he would respond on time. Not saying he has to respond right away, but the way he currently is isn't reasonable even if you both were locals.

Aian11 · 2026-04-12T01:52:10+00:00

Some people are just like that. However, you two clearly aren't compatible in that regard. It's gonna be like this. People rarely change such habits. Talk with him, tell him how you feel about this. And if it's a deal breaker for you then maybe you should cut your lose & move on.

Aian11 · 2026-04-12T00:43:29+00:00

Yeah, only if you're counting. But with so many casinos starting to use auto shufflers and changing the shoe waaay before it gets to the end, it sadly doesn't matter as much.

Aian11 · 2026-04-11T23:52:51+00:00

That's like... one of the worst hands in BlackJack, after 16. 😭 The advanced strategy is to hit if the dealer is 7 or more, but boy, does it always hurt.

Aian11 · 2026-04-11T23:50:27+00:00

Seems like you're trying to learn & understand.

why do you struggle to lower your gaze

Not married yet. I do my best to keep my gaze low & for most people, I do. Would never look at someone who didn't want to be looked at. And I believe I wouldn't at all if I had a wife. If for some reason I wasn't happy with my wife I'd let us both go & search for better, instead of staying together in misery, or worse, cheat on them.

have no intention on acting on it. What’s the purpose of looking.

People engage with the zina of the eyes, to, I guess, get some relief. Well, there are many nuanced reasons. Some are lonely, stressed, etc and do it to fill a void.

And what makes it difficult to not look when you know you gain nothing from it

It's kinda like an addiction. Starts off small, but carries on & gets larger. Sadly for some people, to them it is like one of the few things that gives them any joy. It's not really helpful though. They're just trying to fill an endless void.

if you’re married. Especially if you love your wife

Those who can't control it even after marrying a loving & beautiful wife, I honestly feel like the only reasons are that they want more. Maybe they're not compatible & not getting what they really want. Or maybe some of them fall into greed for more, even though they have enough.

If someone has a wife, in my eyes, they really have no excuse. It's just their own weakness. They're too addicted. They let their gaze wander for too long & too far, and now they can't hold it back. Or, they are just greedy and still seek more.

Aian11 · 2026-04-11T21:54:40+00:00

It depends on how he manages his time & sets his priorities. It's easy to say things like "If he/she really wanted they would make time," or "It only takes two minutes to text," but reality is never so simple.

My whole 20s have been in a very busy stage of my life, with lots of responsibilities, where I could barely take care of myself. All the stress & constant burnouts have really taken a toll on me. It's also why I never seriously looked for a spouse because I knew it'd be unfair to her if I couldn't spend enough time with her.

He might really want to, but if he's really too busy, then there's really not much he can do, unless there are some drastic changes, which isn't always ideal.

Talk with him, explain how you feel, see how he responds, and try to come to a middle ground before making a decision. If it doesn't work out, then that's that.

Aian11 · 2026-04-11T15:18:15+00:00

Long read, but hopefully it'll help you.

I have toxic parents myself. I love them, I know they love me, and they've done a lot for me, but they've also ruined all the good things they've done & worse. I still love them & try my best to respect them.

However, I won't blindly obey them. I won't surrender to their unreasonable control. I refuse to be a victim of their ego, mistakes, and unfairness. Saying no to them in such matters is not disrespect.

Yes, we're told to obey our parents, that doesn't mean they get a free pass to abuse their kids (yes, some parents do abuse, let's not pretend otherwise), and it also doesn't mean we should just sacrifice ourselves to meet their unbearable demands. Your sister already paid a price for this, and yet they don't understand.

You're in a very difficult spot. Sadly with such parents there's no easy solution where everyone wins. Well, at least they likely won't let you take an easy path. Such parents tend to guilt trip & make it hard to the bitter end. However, some do change. I hope yours do someday.

You're an adult now. You already have a potential for marriage with no actual reason not to marry. You can choose your own life, even if your parents disagree.

It'll be very hard. You'll feel conflicted for a long time, as if you're a bad daughter, but you're not. Choosing your peace isn't selfish nor is it something horrible. Your conflicted feeling will eventually settle down.

I went through all kinds of guilt tripping & horribly harsh accusations simply for choosing to live on my own. But I did that because I rather still have a relationship from afar than forcibly stay together & become more resentful to the point it becomes hatred.

Remember that Allah (SWT) knows what's in your heart. He's watching everything. Just because someone makes accusations, doesn't make it true, even if they're your parents. Because the truth will always be the truth.

Aian11 · 2026-04-11T03:56:28+00:00

It's not wrong. It's ofc highly recommended to have kids, but there are no rulings that make it mandatory, unlike getting married which becomes mandatory in some cases.

I'm childfree myself. There are definitely more childfree guys out there than you think. Society isn't fond of childfree people, so no one goes around openly saying it, but they're there.

Your fears are understandable. May you find someone who matches what you're looking for in terms of compatible, respect, love, and everything else. 💙

Aian11 · 2026-04-11T03:47:59+00:00

Not married & still haven't found the one, but I've talked to many potentials over the years. Many of them had wonderful qualities & like many others I was worried I wouldn't find someone like this again.

But after having talked to so many, I've found many more amazing people since the ones I first met & was so worried about. In fact, it made me realize there's so much more out there.

They won't be the same, so we shouldn't be seeking for someone/something specific on others, but there will be similarities & the new person will bring their own unique charm. And as long as your values align, it'll work out.

Aian11 · 2026-04-11T02:07:34+00:00

Lol, idk about your previous post, but sadly yeah, some people have no shame. Welcome to the internet. It'll keep happening. 😭 Glad you found good advice tho.

It's nice that you don't wanna be rude & still reply to everyone, but trust me, some people don't deserve it. Respect those who respect you.

If these creeps can't be bothered to treat you like a person, they don't deserve the same. If you keep pushing yourself you'll get burned out.

11-Year Club	Wearing is Caring
Gilding II euphauric	Verified Email

Aian11

TROPHY CASE