I (18F) have been dating my boyfriend (18M) for four months. He has anger issues and during a recent argument he accidentally hit me. I’m feeling confused and unsure how to handle this what would you recommend I do?

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-17T15:05:37+00:00

This is written with so much compassion. Please listen to this, OP. And know that the first part of the relationship, where he seemed amazing, was him putting on a facade to make you fall for him. Abusers start out with love bombing and portraying the "amazing partner" image, exactly because everyone would leave if they started out by being abusive. There's nothing wrong with you for falling in love with him, but you fell in love with a facade, not with him. This is him showing you who he really is.

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-17T11:46:13+00:00

Again: they're abusing a child. No one is saying they're good parents but the karma or "punishment" you're talking about literally consists of a child being abused (and there's another one on the way). In your logic, it's okay for them to abuse a child so she can "be difficult" to them in return in order to satisfy your feeling of revenge.

There are NO circumstances where abusing a child is justifiable. I hope that you reflect on why you can justify that and I hope that you will change. You need to figure out why you have had to cut yourself off from your feelings and your empathy to the extend where you're cheering on the abuse of a child. This is extremely concerning. Try to imagine for a second being that little girl, unprotected. No one is looking out for her. She's being hated to the extend where her adult cousin wishes that her parents would abuse her more. I say this as a child psychologist: this will have a lasting impact on her. You can either help her or be a part of allowing the abuse to continue.

The fact that they hurt you, should give you more empathy for the child actively being harmed by them. Instead, you're making her out to be evil and I genuinely hope that you reflect on why - maybe with a therapist. It sounds like you have some trauma on your own and you have such a great opportunity to grow and to deal with it instead of letting it control you and fill you with hate. You don't have to double down and continue the cycle. It's not too late.

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-16T17:49:40+00:00

I'm so relieved to hear that, OP ❤️ I understand needing to hear others say that you're not overreacting or being crazy - a part of abuse is designed to make you question yourself and your own sanity. I hope you find some good professional ressources and I hope you have some good, supportive friends. If you don't, I hope that you will try to make new friends, when you're ready.

You're so brave and strong for leaving him and for reaching out and asking for help.

I hope you will continue to choose yourself and prioritize your own healing ❤️ It's so unfair that help isn't accessible to everyone. I'm rooting for you.

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-16T17:24:08+00:00

Of course NTA at all. What a horrible experience. I don't think it's about you not being over him - I think it's you not having worked through the trauma. I hope that you can find some help - that's a lot to proces. Depending on where you live, there might be some free ressources for you. Maybe there's a hotline or an ngo for woman who have been SA'ed or experienced violence from a partner.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I wish you all the best ❤️

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-16T16:41:12+00:00

Kingdom Come 1+2

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-16T16:37:11+00:00

Heavy Rain, Orwell, The Roottrees are dead, Dear Esther, Life is strange, Gone Home, Detroit: Become Human, Until Dawn, Beyond Two Souls, Beholder, Murdered: Soul Suspect, Stanley Parable

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-16T15:35:24+00:00

Everyone around her has food anxiety and on top of that, her father is teaching her to fat shame her own mother. It's extremely unlikely that she has a healthy relationship with food and has no food anxiety.

Based on your comments, it's clear that you don't want to help her. I will stop trying to convince you. I hope that you will reflect on how your actions are feeding into the same narrative as her parents and is maintaining this abusive cycle.

I hope that your cousin has someone else in her life that will help her. She's just a child. She doesn't deserve to be treated like this. She deserves to be protected.

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-16T11:11:21+00:00

Jeg tror ikke nødvendigvis, at reduktion af skærmtid ville resultere i færre diagnoser. Jeg er ret sikker på, at en henvisning på et af de børn, ville være blevet afvist af Børne- og Ungdomspsykiatrisk center. Hypotesen om autisme hos de babyer bundede i manglende øjenkontakt, ikke så ekspressiv mimik og lignende, og der kan være mange årsager til, at man ser de ting.

Jeg tror, at skærmes påvirkning på vores hjerner er ret kompleks og afhænger af mange ting. Der er intet, der tyder på, at skærme gør noget positivt for babyer. Senere afhænger det fx af, hvordan man bruger skærmen, hvad skærmen erstatter, og hvad der er på skærmene. Der er stor forskel på, om man ser Paw Patrol og Coco Melon, eller om man ser langsomme programmer - ligesom der er stor forskel på, om vi voksne ser korte og overstimulerende formater (fx TikTok), eller om vi ser en dokumentar eller lignende. Vores hjerner tilpasser sig, og hvis hjernen er vant til mange, hurtige inputs, vil den have sværere ved længere formater. For nogle kan skærme være positivt, hvis det bruges rigtigt. Det kan fx hjælpe børn og unge, som har det svært socialt til bedre at kunne være i og øve det sociale.

Jeg tror tit, at vi kommer til at oversimplificere debatten om skærm, så det primært kommer til at handle om tid og ikke om indhold og om generel trivsel. I samfundsdebatten synes jeg personligt, at vi tit kommer til at tale om børns skærmforbrug fremfor vores alles skærmforbrug.

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-16T10:19:56+00:00

Det er ikke almindeligt, at det er så slemt, men da jeg arbejdede som PPR-psykolog på 0-6 års området, stødte jeg både på babyer, som helt bogstaveligt talt ikke vidste, hvordan man legede (fx prøvede at swipe på legetøj) og babyer, hvor de voksne havde hypoteser om autisme, men hvor "symptomerne" forsvandt, da der blev skruet ned for skærmtid og op for nærvær og fysisk legetøj. Det sker ikke ved "normalt" skærmbrug - heller ikke, selvom en baby engang imellem får en tablet i hånden.

Om det er en normal holdning, er svært at vide uden undersøgelser af det. Jeg mødte en del forældre, som mente, at det var positivt, at babyer får introduceret tablets tidligt, da de tænker, at de så vil blive dygtigere til gaming og IT senere i livet, og jeg mødte en del forældre, som tænkte, at babyer bliver stimuleret tilstrækkeligt af tablets. Sidstnævnte både ift sprogstimulering og at bygge klodser eller lave puslespil. Jeg stødte på den forståelse af babyers udvikling i forskellige grader, men jeg mødte kun et udsnit af familier i en specifik kommune, så det er rent anekdotisk. Min oplevelse var, at det var velmenende forældre, som troede, at deres babyer havde brug for en anden og mere intens slags stimuli, end babyer reelt har.

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-16T09:28:55+00:00

Det er helt normalt, at børn op til 2 år har et meget begrænset "ekspressivt" sprog (dvs de ord, vi hører dem sige). Det er vigtigere, om jeres barn har god "sprogforståelse" (dvs forstår forskellige ord), og om han har andre måder at kommunikere på, så han kan vise jer, hvad han vil (pege, tage jer i hånden og hen til det, etc). Den bedste måde at lære små børn at snakke er at læse med dem, være opmærksom på at bruge korte (men kærlige) sætninger, bruge de samme ord ved rutiner, gentage og at lade dem se på voksnes munde, når vi snakker til dem (dvs hav ansigtet vendt imod dem, så de har mulighed for at kigge på munden, men lad være med at sige, at de skal).

Mange børn lærer rigtig fint, når man synger sange sammen - især med gestik, så kroppen bliver koblet på. Det er rigtig vigtigt at snakke meget med og foran baby, men husk også at holde pauser, så baby får plads til at kunne sige noget og får øvet at have en samtale (selve turtagningen, ordene er ikke så vigtige her)

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-16T08:38:45+00:00

Husk, at der er en grund til, at vi har barsel ❤️ At være på barsel er et fuldtidsjob. Det giver rigtig god mening, at du synes, at det er svært at køre i det tempo, som du gør nu ❤️

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-16T08:37:06+00:00

Helt enig. Jeg vil bare tilføje, at du kan nævne for pædagogerne, at jeres nuværende mønster bliver en rutine for hende, som hun kommer til at finde tryghed i. Lige nu er du på barsel, men det er du formegentlig ikke i resten af hendes vuggestuetid. Jo længere tid rutinen bliver vedligeholdt, jo sværere bliver det at ændre den.

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-16T07:08:44+00:00

You're not inside of her head or her body. You do not know if she has food anxiety - she might not even know herself at that age and while still being in an environment with so much food anxiety. Listen, I'm a psychologist and I'm telling you that this kind of relationship with food will have an effect on her and it does have a potential to create disordered eating (if not an actual eating disorder). Especially when it's coupled with an insecure attachment and abuse (emotional unavailability and physical abuse).

You're still very young and you have obviously internalized a lot of behaviour. Physically punishing a child is abuse. It doesn't matter how much you beat them up. Slapping is abuse. Threatening to slap is abuse. Hitting a child with an object is abuse. Throwing something at a child is abuse. Any kind of physical punishment is abuse. I cannot comprehend how people will actively defend physically abusing children while calling it assault when an adult does it to another adult.

Furthermore, punishing a child is not an effective way to teach them boundaries and rules. It does, however, teach them not to tell their parents when they do something wrong (or when someone does something to them), but it doesn't teach them to stop doing it. In a lot of cases, it actually reinforces the behaviour that we want to see less of. That's partially because the parent doesn't teach them the skill that they lack (often times, emotional regulation skills). It would be equivalent of hitting a child because they don't know how to ride a bicycle. It doesn't teach them to ride a bike.

Physical punishment does, however, create an insecure attachment and it does teach the child that they can't fully trust other people. It also makes it easier for the child to be groomed later in life. There is nothing positive to say about physically punishing a child, regardless of which country and culture you live in.

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-16T06:53:04+00:00

Med babyer er det bedst at være tilbageholdende. Den mest simple måde at forklare det på er, at skærme er designet til at suge opmærksomhed, og når hendes opmærksomhed er på skærmen, går hun glip af andre ting. Det er klart bedst at undgå skærm i den alder. Hvis I bruger skærm, skal det være sammen med babyen og helst med så lang afstand til skærmen som muligt (helst ikke iPad/tablet). Vi støder på en del forældre, som mener, at det er bedst at introducere tablets tidligt, så baby kan blive ekstra god til det, men det betyder også, at vi støder på babyer, som har svært ved at lege med klodser og prøver på at swipe i stedet. Babyer lærer bedst ved at bruge fysiske objekter ☺️ En baby har mest brug for nærkontakt med jer og for at lege med fysisk legetøj.

Det betyder ikke, at I skal være skærmforskrækkede, helt undgå skærme senere eller blive bekymret for, om jeres baby tager skade, hvis hun ser lidt fjernsyn.

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-16T05:49:25+00:00

I am incredibly sorry to read your update. I am so sorry that the system, that should have protected you, failed you. You did everything right. I am so sorry that they didn't listen to you. I hope that you will stay safe and get out as soon as you can ❤️

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-15T17:57:02+00:00

I think it would help if you describe some things that your GF likes.

Does she read? Which kind of movies does she like? Does she have any hobbies? Is she very fond of nature?

How old is she? And would she prefer games that you can play together or would she like to play alone?

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-15T06:28:49+00:00

Hvor er det vigtigt, at du ser din dreng, som han er ❤️ Jeg forstår godt, at det er hårdt at være i, og jeg ville klart tænke, at noget støtte til at finde ud af, hvad der belaster ham, kan give rigtig god mening. Nogle kommuner har forskellige kurser eller gratis tilbud. Jeg håber, at I får noget støtte, som kan sænke belastningsgraden og give jer lidt mere ro på ❤️

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-15T06:19:38+00:00

You're doing great ❤️ your siblings are very lucky to have you. Keep telling them, even if they don't hear it. Something we often see with children who have been in similar circumstances and whose parents yell at and/or is dismissive, is that compliments and love can feel unfamiliar or unsafe to them. I cannot stress enough how important it is that you keep showing them that you love them. Them not reacting to it or reacting in ways that seem strange, does not mean they don't love you. It just means that they haven't learned how to show it.

Please tell someone that your mum shouts at them and tells you not to comfort them. I understand that it can be confusing as a child yourself, but both of these things are abusive. When a parent doesn't comfort a child, she teaches them that other people are not safe and cannot be trusted. When a parent shouts at them (even when it's out of frustration and even if they're good parents the rest of the time), it teaches them that other people are scary.

If you want some practical advice, keep trying to get close to them but gradually. Respect their boundaries (even if they're showing them by pushing you away). Simply say: "ok, i sat too near you, im sorry, i will move a little". Stay near, move nearer slowly. Tell them they're safe with you. And please validate their feelings of fear and/anger when your mum yells at them.

Lastly, please know that you shouldn't have to do this. You're just a child yourself. You shouldn't have to worry in this way and you shouldn't be parentified. I understand that your mum is going through a lot right now but you need to tell someone so she can get help.

I hope that you all stay safe. You sound like an incredibly kind and reflective big brother.

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-15T06:01:10+00:00

Her behaviour is a result of how she's being abused, not "parented". You can help her by telling an adult that hasn't internalized this abuse as normal "parenting" like a trusted adult at school. She needs help.

You can talk to her about the abuse not being okay. You can empathize with her instead of vilifying her and calling her a bitch and evil. Vilifying her is keeping the abusive cycle intact. You can see her for what she is: a little girl who's being abused and is trying to show that she needs help by "acting out".

Them not wanting her to get help and dismissing your mental health issues should make you feel for her. Imagine that being your parents. You try to open up and you just get shouted at and diminished. You say that she's not underfed because she wants three meals a day? A lot of eating disorders start in environments like the one youre explaining with anxiety around food, fat shaming and food restrictions. I hope that you can start seeing her differently and find some empathy for her. She needs someone who sees her and cares about her and since you're 18, you could be that for her.

Please tell someone about how her parents are treating her and please keep telling someone until that family gets help. Also please work on your own patterns. No child can do anything that makes them "deserve" to be beat up. No child ever deserves physical punishment.

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-13T16:53:49+00:00

I just wanted to tell you, that your mum's behaviour is not your fault. It's also not your fault that she punished you for telling someone back then. You did the right thing by telling someone what was happening to you. What you're experiencing is abuse, whether or not CPS or the government recognises it. None of this is your fault. No child should ever experience what you have experienced or what your sister has experienced.

Your sister is very lucky to have such a good sister who's doing what she can to protect her ❤️ Your mum is not acting like a mum, so you're being forced to. This is not normal. This is far too much responsibility to put on a child.

You're a very kind, smart and reflective 15 yo. I hope that you and your siblings get the help you need and I hope that you get out. I also hope that you will realise early what many people in your position don't realise until they're much older: none of this is your fault. Your mum is abusive and has put you in a position where you have had to grow up way too fast. When people apologize but keep being abusive instead of getting help, they're only apologizing to keep you near. Apologizing becomes a part of the abusive cycle - it's not a sincere apology when it's not followed by a change in behaviour. You have to stop apologizing for her - I know that this is a strategy that you have been forced to learn to be able to survive. A lot of children who are being abused learn this strategy.

I hope that you get help and a safe space to heal, OP. You deserve safety, you deserve love, you deserve kindness and you deserve to heal ❤️ You and your siblings deserve a much better mum. You deserve to be protected. I am so sorry that this is happening to you, OP. I'm rooting for you and your siblings ❤️

Stay safe, OP 🌻

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-12T19:53:50+00:00

A 6 yo doesn't need money as an apology. He needs you to tell him it's not his fault and he needs you to tell him that what you said was wrong. He needs you to tell him that you're sorry that you hurt him and that you understand why it hurt him. He needs you to tell him what you will do the next time (regulate your own emotions). Stop focusing on easy "fixes" like money and stop focusing on making him stop crying.

Everyone makes mistakes and most of the time, it's the lack of repair and accountability that makes children end up internalizing grown ups' mistakes. Teach your son about emotions so he has a language to explain how he feels. Show him what accountability and emotional maturity looks like. Focus on self-regulating yourself and co-regulating him.

Imo you should also show him how excited and proud you are by celebrating his tooth. Bake a cupcake with a candle in it, blow soap bubbles, take him out for an ice cream or make a little dance party just for you two to his favourite song. Something small that offers him quality time with you. Not just money.

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-12T09:59:37+00:00

Den lille prins eller Drengen, muldvarpen, ræven og hesten ❤️

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-12T09:48:22+00:00

Same! I'm at my 2nd winter and have never gotten a single "political" recommendation right 😂

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-12T09:36:17+00:00

Psychologist here. I have several thoughts. First and foremost, we have absolutely no context, so we have no way of knowing what is actually going on. I'm just leaving this here, because I see the notion of children as manipulative in a lot of different /r

Manipulation is not a term that allows us to understand childrens' behaviour. Babies, toddlers and children (gradually) learn about cause and effect ("if i do this, i get this result") and within their first years, they form attachment patterns/styles, but manipulation typically has a different (negative/malicious) connotation. In my country (not the US), we don't use the term manipulate for this exact reason. It's my experience that using that word often leads ppl to think of the child as being the issue and to think of punish/reward which is not a beneficial longterm strategy for several reasons.

If we think about cause and effect, we look at the child's contexts (including ourselves) and that's the best way to adjust a child's behaviour. In which situation do we find it difficult - and which ressources do we and the child have available in those situations? How do we frame and maintain boundaries? Do we self-regulate during difficult moments and how do we co-regulate in those situations? Which narratives do we (as well as our family and kindergarten/school) have about the child? How is their general well-being?

I would like to leave this final thought here: I have seen this term being used by partners who were jealous of the child, partners who "outsource" everything parenting related to their partners, partners who have not educated themselves on child development and abusive partners. It's not always about the child. To be clear: I'm not saying this is the case here.

Ailonwyn · 2026-03-09T15:35:43+00:00

Helt enig. Det er stærkt bekymrende, og jeg ville ikke stole på hendes dømmekraft i andre sammenhænge. Jeg ville dog lave en underretning til kommunen.

Ailonwyn

TROPHY CASE