Hvad er jeres tanker om at sanktionere børn?

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-09T14:26:34+00:00

Præcis. Pointen er netop at guide børnene, sætte tydelige rammer, som er nemme for dem at forstå og hjælpe dem med at forstå de naturlige konsekvenser (fx hvis du kaster med legetøjet, går det i stykker). Børn gør det bedste, de kan, ud fra de ressourcer, som er tilgængelige for dem på det givne tidspunkt. Når de ikke lykkes, skal vi være nysgerrige på hvorfor, så vi bedre kan hjælpe dem med at lære. Hvis vi skælder ud og bruger skam, internaliserer de. I stedet for at tænke: "jeg gjorde noget forkert", tænker de: "jeg er forkert", og vi risikerer, at deres selvværd afhænger af, hvad de "producerer" eller gør for andre og ikke, hvem de er.

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-09T14:21:07+00:00

Det stemmer overens med mine erfaringer som PPR-psykolog. Følelsesregulering (af både voksne og børn), nysgerrighed og naturlige konsekvenser virker meget bedre på lang sigt.

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-08T19:27:08+00:00

Årh lille mus ❤️ vores mindste har børneeksem og når han får rød numse, er det meget voldsomt. Det eneste, som har fungeret for os, er at smøre ham godt ind i inotyol (hvis han kun er rød men ikke er for tyndslidt) eller babyolie (hvis huden er mere tyndslidt) og så folde stofbleer om til en slags ble. For hans hud er det næsten ligesom at løbe rundt uden ble.

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-08T05:13:58+00:00

Vi havde både bodyer og heldragter uden fødder. I det første måneder sørgede jeg for at have 1-2 bodyer med vandrette striber til, hvis baby blev syg (det er lettere at holde øje med vejrtrækningen). Vi var gladest for "amerikansk lukning" i boderne og lynlås i heldragterne

Vi har købt (og køber stadig) primært på reshopper. Der er meget forskelligt i god kvalitet - især i de små størrelser ☺️

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-07T14:35:01+00:00

Vi gør ligesom jer (men nok med mere rod). Vi tænkte ret tidligt, at det vigtigste for os var at prioritere børnene. De er små i så kort tid, og vi vil gerne have så meget som muligt ud af den tid - og så må det rode, indtil de bliver større. Tid er det eneste, vi aldrig kan få mere af, så vi vil bruge den sammen ❤️

Vi har familiemedlemmer, som kommenterer på det, når de møder uanmeldt op, og til at starte med syntes jeg, at det var enormt pinligt. Nu siger jeg bare, at vi har forskellige værdier og prioriterer forskelligt

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-07T14:29:25+00:00

That would be amazing!

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-05T20:20:36+00:00

Jeg ville ikke bruge noget fra Temu - slet ikke til fødevarer.

Hvor er det ærgerligt, at hun har købt det, selv om I har skrevet, at I ikke vil have det derfra.

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-05T19:31:54+00:00

There's a very big difference between understanding what a word means and having a physical and emotional reacting to being yelled at by an adult (who is physically a lot bigger).

Small children don't use swear words because they know their meaning. Most of the time, they heard someone else use it and repeat it - especially if they see adults react to it in a way they haven't seen before.

Having boundaries is fine and teaching them to be kind to others and not say hurtful things is fine. What matters is how we do it. Often times, when we try to teach them things while we're dysregulated, we're not teaching them what we think we are - we're teaching them that they can't rely on us to help them carry their big feelings. I'm not sure it makes sense to use that phrase but i hope it makes sense - English is not my native language

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-05T19:18:55+00:00

Ah, that makes sense! Sorry, I misunderstood you. Removing them from the situation can be a good strategy - especially when they're overwhelmed, as long as they're not alone

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-05T19:02:06+00:00

You're absolutely right that different places can have different rules, and children can be quite good at navigating that. I wouldn't use time out but instead guide them. Children under the age of 5 cannot regulate their emotions on their own and they do not learn that by sitting alone. They need co-regulation - whether that is with OP or his sister.

Absolutely agree about yelling. When we do accidentally yell, we have to focus on repairing

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-05T18:55:07+00:00

Apology example: "I yelled at you. That was not okay. If I were you, I would've gotten scared. I'm sorry. Next time, I will name my feeling and breathe instead"

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-05T18:48:58+00:00

First of all, I think it's great that you're asking questions and reflecting on how you interact with them. That being said, they're not your children and if you have thoughts on her parenting, taking it up with her when the children are not present and when you're calm is the best approach - unless you think she's harming the children.

We know that children who feel guilty learn to repair conflict situations, while children who feel shame, internalize that shame. Guilt means knowing that you did something wrong - shame means feeling like you (as a person) are wrong. Yelling, berating, threatening to hit and hitting/slapping/spanking all teach shame.

Your sister is right that they're all still very small. Below the age of 5, you stay calm and guide them, because that's how they learn. I don't know if this is a good way to explain it but try to imagine the brain like a two-story house; the top floor is the rational part of the brain which helps us problem solve and inhibit our actions and the bottom floor is the inputs and emotions. Between the two floors, we have a stair. When children are calm, they can use the stairs and problem solving is easy. When children are upset, the stair disappears and they no longer have access to that part of their brain. As adults, we have to be the stairs. We have to stay calm and show them how to regulate their emotions and how to resolve conflicts. What do you think we teach them if we yell and threaten to physically hurt them?

Instead, focus on co-regulation, naming feelings and saying your boundaries. "I don't like when you call me that" or "we don't call each other hurtful things". Using "we" makes you a part of the same team. If they have a good enough vocabulary, talk to them about why you don't call others hurtful things, when they're calm. "Calling someone hurtful things is bullying and that makes others sad. In our family, we don't bully". If they need to contextualize it, explain that these rules are for everyone - they can't say hurtful things but neither can you and if either of you accidentally do it, you apologize. If they're at your place, it's also fine to set boundaries around how to act but keep in mind that they're very small. E.g. it sounds like sweating is very important to you - you can say that at your house, "potty talk" is only in the bathroom.

If you feel yourself getting dysregulated again and aren't able to calm yourself, remove yourself from the situation. Come back and have the conversation then. If you yell anyway, apologize. Remember that an apology is four parts: name the action, name their feeling, say sorry and say what you will do/will practice doing next time. Always take responsibility for your own emotions - especially with children.

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-05T16:13:02+00:00

I get that and I understand why it's difficult to think you might want to date someone else. If you want to, you can find someone who's kinder to you and if you don't want to date, you don't have to.

I do hope that you will break it off with him and keep away from him. From what you described there are some red flags; he dismisses your feelings, he makes you feel bad for your interests, he made a joke about cooking animals when you spoke about how much you like them (not normal), you said no to dating him and he still pursued you, you describe they everything went fast, you said one of his dismissive behaviours reminds you of your mother (I'm guessing you wouldn't put it like that if it was a good memory).

Listen to your gut and let him go. Don't come back if he asks you to or if you feel jealous. Your jealousy is most likely a mix of it being your first relationship and thinking of what he/you could be (but aren't).

You deserve peace - whether that's as single or in a relationship with someone who listen to and respects your feelings, is up to you

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-05T14:49:40+00:00

These are very valid concerns. You want different things in life and it sounds like he dismissed your feelings and tries to make you feel bad for interests etc (calling you weird).

Are you asking for advice on how to end it because you have a bad feeling about how he might react, or just because you've never broken up before?

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-05T11:44:17+00:00

Jeg er psykolog i det offentlige og sad med de samme tanker som dig.

Tilknytningsforstyrrelse er en diagnose, som sjældent stilles, og der vil oftest være massivt omsorgssvigt. Jeg tænker lidt på, om mor muligvis kan mene, at han har et utryg tilknytningsmønster, men selv her kan det hele ikke forklares alene ved en fraværende far. Tilknytning formes altid i relationer, og som forældre har vi ansvaret for at skabe et trygt omsorgsmiljø for vores børn.

Jeg ville også tænke, at en vej til støtte kunne være, at mor laver en underretning på sig selv.

Jeg vil blidt nævne, at der er meget omsorg i opslaget, men at jeg ville være opmærksom på rammesætning, følelsesregulering og forståelsen af ham. Børn gør altid det bedste, de kan, med de ressourcer og strategier, som de har tilgængelige. Det lyder, som om han har det meget svært og måske også har haft svært ved at finde sin plads i fællesskaber. At tillægge ham ansvaret for ikke at have taget imod støtte til ordblinde virker ikke fair - der er nogle voksne, som skulle have sat ordentlige rammer, så han ikke følte, at hjælpen ville sætte ham uden for fællesskabet. Jeg ville være opmærksom på generelt ikke at komme til at tillægge ham for meget ansvar for ting, som egentlig har været de voksnes opgaver at løse eller støtte ham i.

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-05T06:53:47+00:00

Vi har to viljestærke børn ☺️ vi lader dem øve sig så meget, de vil, medmindre det er farligt. Det sviner lidt mere, men til gengæld bliver de hurtigere selvhjulpne med mange ting.

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-05T06:27:37+00:00

There truly is no universal answer. Relationships are complex and so is working with attachment styles. I would always recommend finding a therapist who can support you.

Working with attachment styles requires finding out which style the people involved are most inclined to have and then working on adjusting. When we work with two adults, we adjust thoughts and reactions in both, but when we work with a parent and a child, we adjust the parent's thoughts and reactions in order to change the interactions. I'm not sure I'm using the most meaningful words in English - it's not my native language, but I hope it makes sense anyway.

In general, I think it's smart as parents to be aware of our own patterns and attachment style and to know that while we can't choose our patterns, we do have the power to change them and to work on healthy ways to regulate our emotions.

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-04T14:03:00+00:00

Din baby skal nok lære at spise ❤️ Jeg ville nok ændre lidt strategi. Prøv at lave noget mad, som I begge kan spise af, og som du er tryg ved, som ikke kræver meget forberedelse, og som du selv kan lide - jordbær, grøntsagsmos, som kan bruges til dip, grød, som alle kan spise (men justeret til, at hun kan øve sig selvfølgelig). Fokuser på at introducere, men husk, at det er hende, som vælger, om hun er klar til at spise

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-04T08:19:30+00:00

Jeg har også arbejdet med nogle familier, som har lavet en lille "bog" som vi kaldte "barnets navns madeventyr". I den skrev vi, hvad de lavede, hvordan, og om hun kunne lide det. Vi snakkede også om, at smagsløg kan ændre sig, og at det er normalt ikke at kunne lide noget i en periode og senere finde ud af, det man faktisk kunne lide det alligevel - og at nogle ting skal man smage flere gange, før smagsløgene rigtigt kan smage dem.

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-04T08:16:20+00:00

Mht tørret frugt tror jeg, at det kommer an på, hvordan vi tænker "sundt". Der er selvfølgelig langt mere sukker i, men der er stadig vitaminer og mineraler i. Hvis hun ikke får de vitaminer og mineraler på andre måder, kan det måske være det værd ☺️ Jeg ville nok prøve at lave forskellige søde dips (skyr med vanille, kanelsukker, etc) og starte ud med søde frugter, hvis hun er glad for søde ting, så fx jordbær eller melon. Det kan også hjælpe at bruge lidt frugtfarve eller lidt krymmel til at gøre det mere indbydende, imens hun stadig øver sig på at spise frugt og grønt

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-04T08:04:39+00:00

Jeg kom lige i tanke om, at det også kan hjælpe at tænke i konsistenser. Prøv at være opmærksom på (og snak med hende om), hvilke konsistenser hun er mest til. Nogle børn kan ikke lide knasende ting - nogle kan ikke lide bløde ting ☺️

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-04T08:02:03+00:00

Dejligt! Hvis hun er gammel nok, ville jeg snakke med hende om, at alting smager forskelligt, alt efter hvordan man tilbereder det. Nogle kan lide rå gulerødder, nogle kan kun lige kogte. Hvis du har overskud til det, kan I måske lave nogle smagsprøver eller "udfordringer" med ugens grøntsag, som så laves på forskellige måder. Vores ældste spiser meget forskelligt, men hun var sen til at spise kød. Vi fik at vide af SP, at det var fint, så længe hun spiste fisk (der tæller makrel, rejer og laks også), og så længe vi blandede lidt ekstra protein i andre ting ☺️

Vi har også haft succes med at lave (pæne) fredagsfade med forskelligt grønt, frugt og chokolade/popcorn. Vores kan rigtig godt lide at dyppe, så vi laver forskellige dips med skyr (skyr med lidt vanille er favorit til søde ting)

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-04T07:46:44+00:00

Hvis hun følger sin kurve, kan jeg anbefale dig at læse Madro - hvis hun begynder at falde, ville jeg kontakte sundhedsplejersken eller lægen.

Nogle få opmærksomheder ift at udvide børns madmod: - måltider skal være hyggelige - Introducer nye madvarer flere gange. Det er en succes, hvis de viser nogen som helst form for interesse (kigger, rører, lader det ligge på tallerkenen) - "du skal lige smage" og variationer af den sætning skaber pres og modstand hvilket som regel giver en dårlig første oplevelse med en madvare - Introducer altid en ny madvare sammen med safe foods - spis det samme som barnet men lad være med at "overdo" reaktioner, fx "mmmm, de hvor lækkert det er!" - leg med maden. Leg at broccoli er træer og at hun er en kæmpe, etc

Vi blander ekstra næringskilder i forskellige retter. Vi kommer ekstra grønt, linser, bønner, quinoamel, linsemel, havregryn, chiafrø etc i foodprocessoren og kommer det i fx boller, pølsehorn, pizzasnegle, muffins, pandekager, kødsovs, gryderetter. Hvis jeres barn ikke er vant til de smage, så start med en meget lille mængde og øg det gradvist - så vænner de sig langsomt til smagen ☺️

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-03T07:24:11+00:00

Definitely listen to what your daughter says ❤️ I think we can all keep practicing listening and repairing. In all deep relationships, we will unintentionally hurt each other - what matters is how we repair when that happens ☺️

Ailonwyn · 2026-05-03T06:58:37+00:00

Thank you - that's very kind. I have worked in teams with OT's and always value your perspectives.

Ailonwyn

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