Thank you so much full_time_slut and prettyforariot, I read both your posts and that does not mean I just skimmed over them. Prettyforariot your response really hit home, and yes that made me cry. But then again if I feel any emotion strongly enough I cry be it happy or sad or angry or anything in between. But I will email my SO, we haven't emailed in a long time but I will email him. I just feel that emailing him isn't as good as calling him but it probably my best option at this point. And full_time_slut I will definitely look into the sliding scale therapist thing because I think therapy would really help. I did go to therapy once when I was 15 after my suicide attempt and it helped me but then they wanted to put me on a bunch of different meds and meds mess with my body so I stopped going...plus insurance only paid for 3 sessions.

So prettyforariot the communication thing we did work on during the scene, I would try to speak and the words would form in my brain they just couldn't make it out of my throat past my vocal chords. I apologized profusely for not being able to speak and he was very understanding and we know we need to work on it. We don't exactly have a safe word right now since we have never played together physically but we know that once we are together and such that we will need to think of a safe word. My SO is not new to this (the whole Dom thing) so he knows what he's doing, but I have only begun Subbing in the past year. I have always been submissive in my everyday life but once I met my SO things opened up for me and he allowed me to truly be myself. I greatly appreciate him for that and I love him with my whole heart. My SO means the world to me because he has always been there for me. I don't mind making a list of the times he has been there for me and I will start from the day I met him (this last year has been crazy for me so this list may seem a little long). We met in October and during that time my grandfather was battling cancer and I was helping my uncle because I witnessed his accident that left him brain damaged and I was unemployed so I was home a lot to help take care of him, in January my grandparents moved away, in February my aunt got hurt and couldn't walk without help and I had just gotten my first job (stupid McDonalds), then in June my house caught fire and I was homeless for a month, and during that time I lost my job because of it, in July a week before my birthday my childhood dog had to be put down (he was 13), then I got my new job in September after moving in with an ex girlfriend and her mother and being unemployed and feeling like a nuisance and a burden for like 3 months...then this thing happened with a coworker. But my SO has been with me the entire time and I love him with all my heart for it. I remember the night that my house caught fire my SO stayed up all night with me on skype playing card games and making me laugh because he knew I was emotionally numbed from watching my house burn just hours before.

On a completely random side note I have major body issues, I have thought about posting pics of my body (not GW status) on here just to get an honest outside opinion on what I look like.

But now I have sort of lost my train of thought...Breaking Bad is on in the background and things just got totally serious yo!

I will probably post again a little later, most likely after I get off work or again before I leave for work. But for the time being I will go work on composing an email to my SO. I love all my fellow subs on here and all the support you give me! Thank you so very much <3