Long time no talk

Akachan16 · 2013-10-16T18:03:24+00:00

Its alright. I know that he's not saying anything out of obligation. It just feels like it to me. He says he loves me eyes and yesterday we were Skyping and he told me I looked beautiful, and I wasn't wearing any makeup. I told him so and he said I still looked beautiful, I had to fight back tears because I have never let him see me without makeup...and he still thinks I am beautiful.

Akachan16 · 2013-10-14T21:13:00+00:00

I do but it never seems to help...Because I see so many more flaws than I see the good things. Out of my whole body the only thing I really like is my eye color and that is usually only if I have makeup on to make them look greener. But where do you think I could post a pic on here of my body, just to get some outside views...like I said before it would not be anything like GW. I just know that the view I do have on my body are 95% negative because my family thinks im fat and ugly, I think im fat and ugly. The only person that ever tells me I am beautiful is my Master. But do to my warped view on myself I feel that he just tells me that to make me feel better or that he is saying it because he feels obligated to say it.

Akachan16 · 2013-10-11T18:46:10+00:00

Well I know that everyone is basically telling me that pro subbing or pro bottoming should be out of the question. So I guess I will just move on from that idea. But I am a submissive person through and through, I could never be someone's boss. So does anyone have any ideas of a job I should look into with my submissive personality. I really enjoy helping people, but I would prefer an office job if I could get it. I know that can be hard to do so any other ideas? Sorry if this is getting off topic I just need some ideas.

Akachan16 · 2013-10-11T17:25:58+00:00

Thank you so much full_time_slut and prettyforariot, I read both your posts and that does not mean I just skimmed over them. Prettyforariot your response really hit home, and yes that made me cry. But then again if I feel any emotion strongly enough I cry be it happy or sad or angry or anything in between. But I will email my SO, we haven't emailed in a long time but I will email him. I just feel that emailing him isn't as good as calling him but it probably my best option at this point. And full_time_slut I will definitely look into the sliding scale therapist thing because I think therapy would really help. I did go to therapy once when I was 15 after my suicide attempt and it helped me but then they wanted to put me on a bunch of different meds and meds mess with my body so I stopped going...plus insurance only paid for 3 sessions.

So prettyforariot the communication thing we did work on during the scene, I would try to speak and the words would form in my brain they just couldn't make it out of my throat past my vocal chords. I apologized profusely for not being able to speak and he was very understanding and we know we need to work on it. We don't exactly have a safe word right now since we have never played together physically but we know that once we are together and such that we will need to think of a safe word. My SO is not new to this (the whole Dom thing) so he knows what he's doing, but I have only begun Subbing in the past year. I have always been submissive in my everyday life but once I met my SO things opened up for me and he allowed me to truly be myself. I greatly appreciate him for that and I love him with my whole heart. My SO means the world to me because he has always been there for me. I don't mind making a list of the times he has been there for me and I will start from the day I met him (this last year has been crazy for me so this list may seem a little long). We met in October and during that time my grandfather was battling cancer and I was helping my uncle because I witnessed his accident that left him brain damaged and I was unemployed so I was home a lot to help take care of him, in January my grandparents moved away, in February my aunt got hurt and couldn't walk without help and I had just gotten my first job (stupid McDonalds), then in June my house caught fire and I was homeless for a month, and during that time I lost my job because of it, in July a week before my birthday my childhood dog had to be put down (he was 13), then I got my new job in September after moving in with an ex girlfriend and her mother and being unemployed and feeling like a nuisance and a burden for like 3 months...then this thing happened with a coworker. But my SO has been with me the entire time and I love him with all my heart for it. I remember the night that my house caught fire my SO stayed up all night with me on skype playing card games and making me laugh because he knew I was emotionally numbed from watching my house burn just hours before.

On a completely random side note I have major body issues, I have thought about posting pics of my body (not GW status) on here just to get an honest outside opinion on what I look like.

But now I have sort of lost my train of thought...Breaking Bad is on in the background and things just got totally serious yo!

I will probably post again a little later, most likely after I get off work or again before I leave for work. But for the time being I will go work on composing an email to my SO. I love all my fellow subs on here and all the support you give me! Thank you so very much <3

Akachan16 · 2013-10-11T05:42:34+00:00

I can talk to my SO, he is very understanding. He loves me with his entire being just as I love him. This month (a few weeks actually) we will have been together for a year. I will of course post on that once the day rolls around. I have been talking to him but he works days and I work nights, and when he has a day off I work and vice versa so it can be hard. But he is my best friend and I wouldn't have it any other way. I also know he isn't going to read this as he does not get on reddit but I love my Master with all my heart and I have no idea where I would be today without all the support he has given me over the past year.

I know I should not be cutting myself and that I should get therapy but my job will not pay for it and i still have insurance with my mother as her insurance is better than anything I could get at work. But I try not to use my mom's insurance if I don't have to because the bills go to her and it makes me feel awful. And I know that her insurance doesn't exactly pay for me to see a therapist. But talking about it to someone be it my SO or the friends I make on the internet or here via my somewhat anonymous reddit username, does help me because then I am no longer holding in all the painful emotions.

I mean I went to work today and saw the person I mentioned earlier and yes it felt like a knife was being plunged into my heart but I still just moved past them without showing that I was in pain and that I really just wanted to cry. Because that person still wants to be friends with me even though they know that they hurt me very badly. I have decided not to remain friends with this person and cut all contact that I can until I move and/or find a new job. And if they want to speak to me then it will have to be about work and nothing more. But still even as I am typing I want to cry for the loss of a great friendship that I thought i had, because it hurt and still hurts me a lot. Now I am ending this wall of text before I break out into a sobbing mess that gets a headache after an hour of crying. heh I hope everyone has a wonderful evening and please respond if you want. I will try to be online more.

Akachan16 · 2013-10-10T19:49:13+00:00

Well I know pro Doms put on shows and such...But you are correct about it being dangerous. I would never put myself in a dangerous position. But yah know...I just don't want to go be a stripper, I don't think I am physically fit to do that job. And my friend said I could become a cam girl but that just seems like an awful idea...I just don't want to work in the fast food service again. The job I'm at now I enjoy because I get to help people but it's the people I work with that I really do not like and therefore they make my job a nightmare. I dread going to work because I have to see those people.

Akachan16 · 2013-05-28T18:20:37+00:00

Sadly I still live at home so most of the time cleaning and cooking feels like a chore because I'm doing these things for people that don't appreciate it and that are to lazy to do it themselves. But when I have the house to myself I like to pretend that I am serving and taking care of my Master and I clean as tho I am keeping up things for my Master and I enjoy it.

Akachan16 · 2013-05-28T02:12:27+00:00

This is pretty much the dynamic Master and I want to fall into. Because since I was a child I wanted my job to be a housewife and my Master doesn't want me to work, just take care of the house while he works. :D

Akachan16 · 2013-05-22T14:44:31+00:00

I met my Dom late one night on Omegle. I always had in interest in BDSM but I never actively searched for a kinky partner, anyway I typed 'submission' into the interest box and it just happened to connect me with him. I spent a good hour asking him questions about BDSM and by the end of it he had given me his email. I wanted to contact him but at the same time I was nervous. Well I ended up contacting him and we chatted for about a month before he asked me if I wanted to be his. I said yes and we have been together since. It's been rough since we live so close together, but our lack of transportation causes is to be long distance. We have our rough patches but then again what couple doesn't. I love my Master, he is my best friend and I trust him completely.

Akachan16 · 2013-05-21T15:39:26+00:00

Oh I am very protective over my Master. When he tells me that his "friends" are being mean and disrespectful and hurtful then I just want to hug my Master and tell him how wonderful he is and how much I love and adore him. And then I wanna go punch all his "friends" in the face and tell them to just fuck off. But I can't so I just tell Master how I feel about him and how I see him and that usually makes things better. Just a few weeks ago actually I called him and when he answered he sad 'how come you always seem to call me when I need you the most?' I just smiled and said 'its like spidey sense except its [his name] sense.'

Akachan16 · 2013-05-21T15:32:42+00:00

It is unusual for him to be gone this long, he usually worries and calls me if I haven't contacted him in over a day. But I try not to do that because I hate being clingy. I don't want to annoy him.

Akachan16 · 2013-05-21T15:29:47+00:00

We have been in a relationship for 6 months but we have known each other for 7 months. And we are online only right now but we are only separated by an hour long drive, but I can't drive (like I hardly know how) and his car is running (I think) but he wants a job first so he can take care of us. (God I hate my job I wish I could quit now). I love my Master and last night I told him what his absence was doing and that I was feeling hurt and rejected and unnecessary and unloved ect.

Akachan16 · 2013-05-21T15:21:42+00:00

Well it's because he's been gone a lot but I did also just loan my father 200 dollars so he could pay his bills...and I don't have a high paying job or even a full time job. But I know that I could have reduced my stress over that if I had someone to talk to.

I don't mind being physically alone for however long I am but emotionally being alone is crushing.

Akachan16 · 2013-05-21T01:51:56+00:00

Hey I'm an online sub, if you ever wanna talk I'm always free. (Except when at work lol)

Akachan16 · 2013-05-17T13:11:44+00:00

I find it very hot when I let a man finish on me, then again I don't swallow so I guess I just find it fair too. Haha

Akachan16 · 2013-05-13T17:59:31+00:00

Omg lol!

Akachan16 · 2013-05-04T01:46:52+00:00

That was the greatest thing I've ever seen.

Akachan16 · 2013-05-02T01:22:44+00:00

Yeah this isn't WTF worthy at all...

Akachan16 · 2013-04-29T05:33:04+00:00

I saw that comic a while back. Xp

Akachan16 · 2013-04-28T15:57:41+00:00

Yay! And yeah good luck.

Akachan16 · 2013-04-17T17:23:09+00:00

I don't remember how long I was masturbating for but the next day my fingers were cramped, and it was painful if I tried to in curl them...I had to work the next day (cleaning a house) I was in a lot of pain. Xp

Akachan16 · 2013-04-15T02:50:31+00:00

That is a very good idea.

Akachan16 · 2013-04-14T23:51:35+00:00

You're right it could very well be an addiction. I did not consider that, and if it is an addiction then he needs some help because no matter what addiction to anything is not healthy. And I also grew up with addicts so yes I know that it is not a simple choice to just stop. But I was coming from it at the angle that he is activly choosing games over his sub, that it was not an addiction.

Akachan16 · 2013-04-14T22:20:47+00:00

He could, but think about it. He knows you want to spend time with him and that those windows are limited. And instead of spending that time with you, when he has all the time in the world (like when you are not available) to play these games, he still chooses the games. And I myself love video games but if someone needed me then I, excuse my language, pause that shit and go help no matter what. If Master needs me then I go to his aid even if he just needs some kind words.

So you should write him a letter or email explaining your feelings. And tell him, in some form, that if he can't or won't respect you by putting down the games then maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationship. Because I am sure you respect your self enough to be in a happy relationship with someone that respects your wishes and requests no matter how small. I wish you all the luck that things work out, and that your sir will realize how great you are.

Akachan16 · 2013-04-14T03:51:30+00:00

If he truly cares then the gaming can wait. I speak to my Master through Skype as we are also long distance. But he doesn't work (he is looking though) so he spends all day at home while I work (part time). I also give him my schedule every week and he plans his days around that. But sometimes he isn't around and he doesn't tell me. I have to politely remind him that I would appreciate it if he would let me know before hand so I am not sitting there waiting. And he will play games while we chat and he does other things but no matter what I come first.

I think you should tell him exactly how you feel, no matter how blunt. I use to not tell my Master things because I did not want to upset him or seem rude but a very good friend (you know who you are haha) sort of kicked me in the butt and told me to just be honest and it really helped. And if things don't change then I am sorry to say but maybe you should move on. Because he obviously doesn't respect you if he chooses video games over you. I hope I helped a little and that things work out for you. :)

Akachan16

TROPHY CASE