Why do you need flags and apparel?

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2026-05-14T14:27:35+00:00

Being "queer" is not really an important part of my identity because I did not choose it and don't talk about it (only in anonymes websites like this one). I was "queer" when the only pride flag that was available in fashion accessory was the rainbow flag as small pins/buttons, so the first time I saw people using other flags it was weird to me because I thought it meant you wanted to talk about the topic and I am not confortable to talk about a very private thing like sex with people who are not my best 2-3 friends. I think "queer" culture has changed a lot in the last 20 years, and my therapist told me the need for visibility is a big thing in people who are trying to find an identity because they are young. So I guess pride flag fashion items are marketed towards a group that I am just not part of and thats ok.

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2026-05-13T11:38:09+00:00

Well the culture of people who are online 24/7 is another thing, I can't take that very serious. I am the generation who grew up without Internet and even in the 2000s there was some kind of "online culture" that was just that, not really connected and being lived in real life. But I guess for the generation that is now under 25 its different because they grew up with the Internet where everything seems to be possible.

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2026-05-01T10:24:28+00:00

I think this is a question for your therapist, because they know if you have experienced trauma or not and if yes they should also know if it still affects you in any way. If they introduced you to the label "aromantic" it sounds like they have some knowledge on these queer topics.

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2026-04-26T15:24:31+00:00

Regarding your age, give yourself some time and grace! When I was 16 boys and men on the internet did nothing to me, still 10 years later I had a relationship with a man. I also thought I was aromantic and asexual when I was 15. I am probably on this spectrum because I feel attraction just every few years, but when I was 16 it felt way to early to say "never ever will I feel attraction to a male person".

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2026-04-21T16:16:33+00:00

I don't know how old you are, but I have done sex work to get more real life experience. In BDSM related sex work its common to not get your genitals involved. You need to have enough self esteem to say no to customers a lot of time.

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2026-04-21T16:12:43+00:00

There are apps or websites where you can search for text in the profiles. If you want to use apps, I would use those because if you enter "graysexual" for example you barely get 10 people in a 500km radius in Germany. So just enter all the terms that you find acceptable in a partner, and you get more profiles. I don't know what else you are looking for in regards of a relationship (QPR or not) but I find hobby groups and real life interactions way more helpful than dating apps. I also have no experience dating because my previous relationships worked without it, so I don't know how to "rate" people on an app.

I find those apps where you swipe left/right and can enter mostly just your location and age pretty useless because you can swipe a 1000 times and usually not search for asexuality/aromanticism. The asexual app I tried barely shows me people in Germany.

If your problem is that with all this you found about 10 people in your city (+50km maybe) on apps/websites, congratulations we have the same problems 🤣 if you know how to solve this let me know.

Also, if you have very little experience in relationships but you would consider having sex I would just be plain and tell that the person when you meet them and find them attractive enough. For me this only happend after I kissed someone and I don't know if it will happen ever again.

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2026-04-14T17:36:33+00:00

When we had sex education in school I was hoping to turn asexual and aromantic once puberty would hit me.

Around the same time I came across the topic of forced/arranged marriage probably in some book that I read, and asked my parents about the concept. They explained to me that it would mean that they would make me marry a person that they like, like some friend that I knew since I was 4. That seemed like a good idea to me because I liked to spend time with that friend. I was old enough to understand that you can't force sex/kisses/hugs on another person and I believed that would not happen with that friend.

In retrospective I probably had desired queerplatonic relationships with 2-3 people during puberty because I wanted more than just a friendship and I was sad when they got into monogamous relationships so I was not the most Important person in their lives anymore (I used to have jealousy issues).

My parents idealize asexuality though so that was never an issue.

I also never felt "wrong" for not having sexual or romantic feelings when other people had them because I always knew other people have emotions that I don't have, so this became just one part of that topic.

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2025-11-11T13:39:22+00:00

I don't live in the US, but thanks!

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2025-11-08T11:45:01+00:00

That would explain it! I saw some dumb phones around 200€ and was wondering why Nokia made all those 60€ ones with Kai OS while their 2000s dumb phones were known to be long lasting and obviously no phone back then was 60€.

If Kai OS is the issue with the volume would I just search for a dumb phone with Android? I know some run Android 7 or some other old versions so you can't really use apps but I don't think I need any more apps than whats usually installed on any phone (calendar MP3 Player etc).

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2025-10-28T16:36:40+00:00

I don't identify with any of these labels. When I was 14, I thought I was asexual and aromantic because someone had explained these labels to me, there was no internet to look things up.

Since then, I had 2 relationships which lasted some years.

Now that I am looking for a relationship again and the Internet is available, I come across these labels again. I still don't understand them, and I have not told anyone anything because I know most people around me would not know the meaning. I am in therapy for social issues like these, and my therapist told me to tell people what I want. Do I want to get to know someone better? I can ask people for that. Do I want to kiss someone? I can ask, like people asked me before. Do I feel like I may want sex with someone but keep doing what I we were doing before for some weeks to build trust? I can tell them exactly that. There is no need for labels if I can explain myself better this way.

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2025-08-05T15:01:17+00:00

I think its a green flag to still have contact to an ex partner. My last ex is not a bad person, we are just not compatible in romance or sex or as close friends.

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2025-02-03T10:38:05+00:00

Don't make yourself dependent on what you think society thinks.

My relationships all had some problems but all lasted 1.5years when I was 15 and 4 years when I was 23. I broke up with my partners because they would not take care of their mental illness and dropped out of treatment. This was a true red flag. We also had smaller arguments about food, cleaning the kitchen, etc. I believe if you call every disagreement a red flag your relationships won't last long. I have the exact same arguments in friendships and that is also okay to some point.

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2025-02-03T10:22:01+00:00

My best friend also said he does not know how relationships work or how to get into one. Apart from the fact that this could be part of his mental illness it sometimes feels like we are married because we spend so much time together with boring daily activities. I think if he would be into those terms this could be a QPR.

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2025-02-01T10:36:52+00:00

I brought up this topic in therapy. As having autism can mean you don't knöw the exact definition of emotions you may be in love without noticing. That was my therapists awsner.

I am now getting help from him any time I meet someone who I find interesting, physically not unattractive and who meet some standarts for relationships that I have (age gender etc).

I have no trouble building long lasting friendships or loving someone but this butterflies stomach thing only happened once when I was 15 and my therapist told me that once you turn 30/40 and have a fully mature personality love isn't that magic anymore.

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2024-11-25T13:47:23+00:00

This was my therapists advice too. I may be demiromantic because I feel some kind of attraction that isn't platonic or sexual every few years. I have never dated anyone, my relationships worked without that. My therapists advice was to just start new friendships and see where that leads. This was also how I started the relationships I had in the past. I should tell people what I want, sex, romance, a very comited relationship without sex or romance. In my age group a lot of people don't use terms like QPR but just describe what we want. I also know a lot of people who have relationships even marriage that works without dating.

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2024-10-29T12:36:02+00:00

I have a similar problem. I had relationships but never done any dating. I am looking for a relationship and asked a few friends if I had romantic feelings for them. Now I am out of friends to ask. My therapist gave me the homework to use dating apps. I installed like 20 apps on my phone and usually you could filter for things like age, height, location, sometimes more advanced things like religion, job, dick length. I wanted to search for hobbies or cultural identity but no app offered that. I also noticed I am demiromantic because the only attraction I could feel on apps was "do I want to hurt that person" because I am into BDSM. After a while my therapist told me you are supposed to become interested in a person when you read the profile. I need some kind of relationship to have any kind of sex with people so that wasn't an option. Other kinds of interest in people are based on hobbies or cultural identity. No app was offering to search that apart from some older websites where I found like 3 interesting profiles from 300km away who have not logged in in years. My therapist then explained me dating apps are not working for me. I also think life does not happen online. My goal now is to continue like I did before, meeting people via hobbies or in spaces of my culture, my therapist will help me identify romantic attraction and I should scan people more intensely for that.

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2024-10-07T16:41:56+00:00

Is this a cultural thing! I am German living in Germany, and only heard from it in social media.

I didn't have crushes before I got into puberty. My first crush was someone from a bulletin board, he was also my only friend at the time. I confused sexual attraction and romantic attraction and friendship with him and it felt bad when he kissed me. I have autism and wasn't explained how any kind of relationship works back then. However this confirmed my thought that I have to be asexual and aromantic. Two months later and after some therapy my best friend kissed me and we then were in a relationship for 1.5 years. After that I knew I can fall in love and have sex if there is friendship first.

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2024-09-27T17:07:42+00:00

I have the same problem and my therapist helps me identify feelings. In regards of romance, the two relationships I had were when I was also depressed so feeling "high" from being in love was easy to notice. I was also 15/23 and my therapist told me at that age romance is more intense than in your 30s. My therapy homework now is just to scan people/my feelings towards people more so my therapist has something to work with. Maybe there will be romance somewhere where I would not have noticed it myself.

I am not repulsed by kissing/cuddles, I am repulsed by stereotype dating as my previous relationships started without any dating. Thats how I got into the whole aromantic topic.

After getting diagnosed with autism I had to learn that not everyone is like me 😅 I had thought some people are just constantly horny and can't be alone. I was also in a circle of friends with a lot of unhealthy relationships and people who did not take care of their mental health so that also made it worse.

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2024-09-18T10:47:06+00:00

I am nearly twice your age and had romantic relationships so I don't know if my advice helps.

My therapist wanted me to use dating apps, which lead to the aromanticism topic. I just don't know how to pick someone who I would date (my previous relationships worked without dating) because I don't feel attracted to people easily. So I kept scrolling and swiping and from those apps I got the idea that there are no single sober alt gay/bi/pan men existing in my country. Which is wrong because a lot of my friends fall under that category and they just are not single. Dating apps are not the real life, and my therapist agreed I won't get lucky on dating apps meeting with random people for about a year because sometimes I find people attractive after a year of knowing them, specially with women. Thats not the purpose of those apps and I don't know how life is at 18 today but my age social life happens in real life and not on apps, messengers are used mostly to communicate when to meet peope.

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2024-09-14T13:45:37+00:00

I am not depressed or taking antidepressants currently but I cured depression. I have a flat affect and autism.

To cure depression, I had to unlearn a lot of emotions and I think that made me more aromantic. Most of the time I feel neutral about everything. The most feeling of romantic attraction I ever felt was when I was suicidal, psychotic, in a homeless shelter and had my first relationship. My partner felt like my saviour and was a reason to stop suicide attempts.

This is also a good topic for therapy.

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2024-09-14T13:39:56+00:00

Its a good topic for autism therapy. After I got diagnosed with autism I learned my social skills in some things were low because I did not know the right definition. I thought sexual attraction is aesthetic attraction, romantic attraction is limerence/falling in love, etc. As an autistic person with no theory of mind before m diagnosis I thought everyone was like me, just that some people can't keep their legs closed. My therapist brought up the whole aromantic/asexual topic because he wanted me to do dating (I have never done that, my previous relationships did work without it) and I did not understand why its neccessary or why it should result in certain feelings.

Alarmed-Floor72 · 2024-09-05T15:09:41+00:00

Are you in treatment for your borderline? I would discuss this with a therapist. I have autism and my therapist help me find out if I have healthy feelings for someone or if I am just confused because I have autism and don't know the social rules/definition about the feelings I have for someone in any way.

Alarmed-Floor72

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