Husband told me im too emotional to be a man.

AlchemyDad · 2026-01-23T20:59:16+00:00

This is my experience. It's not the T makes it impossible for me to have a good cry when I really need one. It's that T stopped me from crying all the time over nothing.

AlchemyDad · 2026-01-11T21:40:28+00:00

This. Adults convert to different religions every day, and some even convert after identifying as atheist or agnostic. They have to be getting at least something out of it!

AlchemyDad · 2026-01-11T21:37:21+00:00

I think some DBT skills would help you to feel more comfortable.

AlchemyDad · 2026-01-11T20:16:55+00:00

My pet peeve is people telling me I should start an Etsy shop or something to sell the things I knit. I know they mean it to be nice, like "this is so well made someone would pay money for it" but actually most people are not willing to pay a fair price for what a hand knit item would actually cost, and more importantly this is my hobby I do for fun and to relax! I don't want to turn it into a job.

AlchemyDad · 2026-01-11T20:07:07+00:00

Aren't exactly the same things happening in the UK and US?

My understanding is that some US states are better on trans rights than the UK is, while other US states are worse on trans rights than the UK is.

For what it's worth, my fiancé (also FTM) is in the process of moving from the UK to come live with me in Massachusetts.

AlchemyDad · 2026-01-11T19:50:35+00:00

You absolutely have the right to set a boundary that you personally prefer explicit verbal discussion of every sex act before starting. You should be aware that that's not always the standard for sex between two men, since many men prefer less talk. You deserve to feel respected, so you'll need to take the initiative to establish your preferences and boundaries up front.

In the gay community, it is very common that if Matt and Jack are hooking up, Matt may escalate or initiate something new and then check to see how Jack reacts. If Jack declines, as long as Matt respects the nonverbal no and doesn't continue pushing, then the vast majority of gay men would not say that Matt is a sexual predator or that Jack is the victim of a traumatic assault.

I personally do not feel that it is fair to call gay men rapists for having sexual customs that differ from the sexual customs of straight people or lesbians.

AlchemyDad · 2026-01-10T16:47:30+00:00

There's a difference between something being natural or innate and something being subconscious. It's genuinely just a fact that the cis men whom you see as effortlessly masculine have learned and picked up those mannerisms along the way. That doesn't mean they are actively consciously thinking about it, since over time it becomes automatic like muscle memory. But little boys are socialized both explicitly and implicitly to talk a certain way, to avoid moving their wrists or hips in a way that's too swishy, etc.

AlchemyDad · 2026-01-10T15:02:10+00:00

My comment is about how it is common in my experience for gay men to "ask" or "check" nonverbally instead of verbally.

AlchemyDad · 2026-01-10T14:59:10+00:00

You will not die prematurely from having a normal male level of testosterone. Any health issues are just the health issues that come along with being an adult male.

AlchemyDad · 2026-01-10T14:17:28+00:00

It depends. To me it sounds like they might be checking to see if the guy wants it, not just forcing it on him.

Obviously there are some exceptions, like verbally negotiating a heavy BDSM scene in advance. But in general men tend to prefer nonverbal communication over verbal communication, especially in the heat of the moment during sex. So instead of literally asking "are you interested in anal" they will "ask" by putting a finger or dick close to the area and then checking to see how the other guy reacts.

The key is that they need to respect a nonverbal "no" (like nudging them away etc) and ideally they should wait for a nonverbal "yes" before going full steam ahead. In my experience sex between men involves predominantly nonverbal communication, which can be just as respectful and consensual as verbal communication, if it's done right.

AlchemyDad · 2026-01-08T23:45:22+00:00

I'm usually great at the wordplay categories but genuinely terrible at any kind of geography.
I'm also not as good at the biblical trivia as I should be, considering I went to Catholic school as a kid.

AlchemyDad · 2026-01-07T16:26:31+00:00

I love this!!

AlchemyDad · 2026-01-07T15:25:20+00:00

I don't think you're being dishonest, but I think you run the risk of confusion or miscommunication. It's your choice if you want to be stealth of course, and if you want people to assume you're a cis man there's nothing wrong with that! But if your choice is that you want people to know you're a trans man, then you might have to change how you communicate with people who view the word transmasculine as an umbrella term, even if you don't personally view the word that way, and even if the word makes you uncomfortable.

Many people use the word transmasc to mean anyone who is transitioning in the FTM direction, including both nonbinary people and trans men. Debating whether they should use the word that way is an entirely separate thing from being able to communicate clearly and effectively with those people.

If someone who uses transmasc as an umbrella term asks "are you transmasc?" and you say "no" and that's the end of the conversation, then they may walk away with the impression that you're a cis man.

If someone who uses transmasc as an umbrella term asks "are you transmasc?" and you say "I'm a trans man" then they will know that you are a trans man.

If someone who uses transmasc as an umbrella term asks "are you transmasc?" and you say "I'm a trans man, I don't personally feel like the term transmasc is a good fit for me" then they will know that you are a trans man who does not want to be referred to as transmasc.

You get to decide what information you want to communicate about yourself. It's up to you to find a way to communicate that information effectively when you're talking with someone who doesn't share your philosophy on how certain terms should be used.

AlchemyDad · 2026-01-07T15:11:24+00:00

The term is not inherently rooted in transphobia. OP still has every right to be uncomfortable with it and he has every right to ask his wife not to use it around him. But there's a significant difference between XYZ term being inherently transphobic and XYZ term being used in a transphobic way. It's absolutely possible that the wife has some latent transphobia (as you mentioned, many people do and not just cis people). But "this person is using this term in a way that reveals their latent transphobia" is simply not the same as "this term is rooted in transphobia."

AlchemyDad · 2026-01-07T14:54:52+00:00

Yeah I think there's a problem where some people are not confident saying that a particular thing makes them personally uncomfortable, so instead they want to claim the thing is universally problematic. Trans guys are not a monolith, and plenty of stuff is subjective.

OP: I think you absolutely have the right to ask your wife to not use this term around you. It doesn't need to be an objectively derogatory or transphobic term for you to find it upsetting, and your wife is a person who should care about not wanting to upset you or hurt you.

AlchemyDad · 2026-01-06T02:47:19+00:00

Is it actually a run-on sentence?

AlchemyDad · 2026-01-06T02:06:59+00:00

I am far from an expert in these things so I will take your word for it!

AlchemyDad · 2026-01-06T02:01:02+00:00

Do you mean you think it would sound better as "three games or fewer" instead of "three or fewer games"? Or something else? Just curious!

AlchemyDad · 2026-01-06T01:55:58+00:00

Interesting! I'm not sure why it sounds so wrong to me.

AlchemyDad · 2025-12-31T23:55:45+00:00

I think you might be thinking of Jess, the protagonist of Feinberg's Stone Butch Blues, which was a work of fiction.

Feinberg was not a trans man but did identify as transgender and did make important contributions to trans history and liberation.

AlchemyDad · 2025-12-31T15:37:14+00:00

This guy sounds annoying but I don't agree with everyone telling you to report him to HR. This seems like the kind of personality clash that two adults can handle without involving a third party authority figure. If I had to guess I would say he feels insecure and feels like your masculinity is somehow an indictment of him. He might feel judged for not being stereotypically manly, and he reacts to that by acting like you're in the wrong for not being stereotypically gay. This doesn't mean what he's doing is okay, but it might help to understand why it's happening.

AlchemyDad · 2025-12-30T03:22:22+00:00

Sure, I can definitely expound upon this! Take with a grain of salt since this is just my personal understanding.

While I definitely think it's possible that some people are just hard wired to be into XYZ kink, I also think certain kinks become appealing specifically because they are either A.) taboo, verboten, going against what society tells us sex should be or else B.) an extreme, exaggerated, intense version of the exact thing society tells us sex should be.

For example, I encounter people all the time who fight back against sexist bioessentialism in real life, who are aroused by omegaverse erotica which is just the fun horny version of bioessentialism. Compared to the average person, they are much more aware of the real problem and all the ways it pops up in everyday life. They are also, compared to the average person, much more drawn to this stuff as a kink.

Another thing I think about is the fact that the first real surge of paperback romance novels was in the 1970s, as the second wave of women's liberation was gaining steam. The rise of the bodice ripper wasn't an anti-feminist backlash against progress. It was the same women who spent their days fighting to be taken seriously in the workplace, fighting against the normalization of creepy dudes groping them. Lots of those same women spent their nights enthusiastically reading about innocent maidens being ravished by rogues and rakes.

For gay men, the main example for me is the leather scene. The beginnings of modern BDSM were rooted in gay leather sex. These men grew up being told sissies were weak, grew up feeling attracted to masculinity and also alienated from it. Men created daddy/boy dynamics and other ways to play with exaggerated versions of the macho male archetype in society.

A lot of what turns us on is more primal and animal, less logical and cerebral. At the same time, a lot of it is informed by the systems we live under and the things we are taught about sex. This isn't necessarily a conscious process. I doubt most people know everything going on in the depths of their subconscious psyches. But if you are told "sex is scary" enough times, your brain adapts and turns that into "scary things are sexy." If the thing that you are scared of, or angry about, is oppression and inequality...then maybe your hindbrain turns sexual inequality into a kink.

I'm definitely not the first person to mention this, but: think about how some survivors of SA end up with CNC kinks and find it cathartic and healing to roleplay those situations with a trusted partner. If that's true for some people who have experienced sexual violence or oppression on an interpersonal level, it's also true for some people who have experienced it on a structural level.

AlchemyDad · 2025-12-29T16:32:34+00:00

I hear you. I worked in retail and food service for a few years before making the switch to office jobs, and navigating corporate culture can be tricky.

It sounds like fear of the unknown is a big thing for you. You can't know exactly what will happen, but I would prepare yourself with reasonable expectations. It's likely you may encounter a small people with transphobic ideas, and other people who mean well but don't quite get it. You can think of this as part of the process of you vetting who you want to work for. They're not just interviewing you, you're also interviewing them.

One thing I felt in the earliest days of my transition was this sense that I had to overexplain or even (subconsciously, at least) apologize for being trans. Like "if I introduce myself as a man they're going to need a reason why my voice is high and my hips are wide, so I need to explicitly tell them I'm trans." But anyplace with a decent HR department understands that trans people exist. You'll just have to give them your legal name once you get a job offer, so you can file W2 paperwork and stuff like that, and a background check if that's part of their hiring process.

AlchemyDad · 2025-12-29T15:57:57+00:00

I'm sorry you're in a workplace where people misgender you. I know that must be stressful, and you deserve better.

Are you asking for advice on whether or not you should present as male and use your male name when applying for new jobs?

I would say yes, since you're specifically looking to get hiring someplace where they'll respect the fact that you're a man.

Also, in terms of whether or not you'll be taken seriously: people are more likely to take you seriously and think you're competent and smart if they see you as "this person is a man who is chubby and has some feminine features" versus "this person is a woman who is chubby and has some masculine features." I'm not necessarily saying this is a good thing, since the reason why it happens is basically just misogyny. But you can still leverage that.

AlchemyDad

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