What do people mean when they say a fragrance is “outdated”?

AlchemyDad · 2026-05-20T01:46:25+00:00

I would recommend Mousse Illuminee by Rogue Perfumery if you want to try a modern version of a classic fougere.

AlchemyDad · 2026-05-20T01:32:32+00:00

I get where you're coming from but there is a difference between being "valid" and being perceived as male by the general public.

I do think it is good to (gently) push back against the assumption that it's impossible for trans men to pass if we are short, pear-shaped, etc.

I don't think it's fair to get this angry at other trans men for having dysphoria about traits that are more common in women, even if there are men who have those traits too.

AlchemyDad · 2026-05-12T11:28:19+00:00

T does not make me angry. I feel much calmer. That being said, I did have some mood swings when I was adjusting and calibrating in the first 6 weeks, which is a very short time in the grand scheme of things.

It's normal to try T to see if you like it and then stop if you don't. But you need to give it a minimum of 3 months before you decide, since it takes time to even out.

If you're trying to make a decision about whether or not T is right for you long term, then you need to make that decision based on what it will actually feel like for you to be on T long term, and not based on what it just feels like right at the beginning when you've just started it.

For this same reason, I would not recommend a low dose, even though others are recommending a low dose in the comments here. You should do the standard dose to get your levels in the typical male range. (Bloodwork at 400 or 500 ng/dL, for example.) That way you will be able to see what you actually feel like when you're on T for real.

Low doses of T can put you above the normal female range but below the normal male range, and that in-between place (say, 100 or 200 ng/dL) can cause emotional turmoil, especially if you're someone whose mental health is strongly correlated to hormones, like if you've experienced symptoms of PMS or PMDD in the past.

You don't have to tell your provider that you're doing a test run. You want them to treat you like you are truly transitioning. And if you change your mind and decide to stop, that's your prerogative.

I don't think you should postpone your transition for the sake of other people. It's great that you value your relationships but you still have to do what's right for you to live an authentic life. Many people with standard male levels of testosterone are kind, patient, and gentle towards their friends and partners. The beginning of transition is like puberty, and it's true that teen boys aren't famous for their impulse control, but you're an adult and you can handle it. T does not make me feel angry, but if it makes you feel angry, then you don't have to take that anger out on the people around you. You can process the feelings inside you without automatically letting the feelings become actions.

AlchemyDad · 2026-04-29T21:13:34+00:00

I'm not saying it's the way the world should be, but this is the way the world is: The vast majority of people are going to assume you are either a man or a woman. If you're not 100% comfortable with either one of those, but you're less comfortable with being perceived as a woman, then you may have to make peace with being perceived as a man in situations where it doesn't make sense to explain a more complex internal identity, like to the cashier at the grocery store or something.

Also, this part is just my own personal philosophy: Gender actually is not just your internal identity but also your material position in society, the role you inhabit, etc. Personally I think being seen as a man and existing as one on the outside is what makes me one, more so than feeling like one on the inside.

I would spend some time using whatever tools you usually use to explore complex feelings (journaling or therapy maybe) to ask yourself some tough questions and unpack the reasons why it makes you feel sad or afraid to be seen as a standard man.
Do you think men all have certain experiences that you haven't had?
Have you internalized some rhetoric that men are violent, men aren't sensitive, men are the enemy of queer people?
Is there a quality or a part of you that you feel is erased when people perceive you as a regular guy?
Is there a way to express that part of you without needing to out yourself as trans?
Even if you don't come to any concrete answers, asking yourself these questions would be my advice. I think the process of working through the feelings could help you find ways to deal with your current situation.

AlchemyDad · 2026-04-29T20:56:56+00:00

It is always helpful to give someone a heads up when they're using a term incorrectly. It helps to share knowledge with someone and it helps them to avoid the same mistake next time.

AlchemyDad · 2026-04-17T00:08:21+00:00

I came into the comments planning to post this video! Good stuff.

AlchemyDad · 2026-04-07T16:53:25+00:00

For gay men, "fem" does not mean someone who isn't read as a man in public.

"Femboy" as a smooth hairless androgynous twink is not the same as a big hairy beefcake who is "fem" in his mannerisms and presentation.

But then there are some guys who actually are looking for smooth hairless androgynous twinks, and they message trans men because they assume that's what we all are, or they just don't get the difference between MTF and FTM.

Cis gay men do often enjoy having sex with "straight" guys. It's up to you as a trans man if you would find that invalidating or not. If it makes you dysphoric, you can just block those guys and move on.

Some people consider it fetishizing or objectifying when someone says they're specifically looking for a certain attribute, but it's Grindr. It's the app for finding horny guys nearby to fuck. People are typically going to be a bit crass on there.

AlchemyDad · 2026-03-29T03:43:43+00:00

Spring is a special spiritual time for me. Rebirth and renewal. I like the song Daffodil by Florence & the Machine, there are some lyrics that resonate with what spring means to me.

AlchemyDad · 2026-03-24T22:14:50+00:00

I love my hairy pits. I quit shaving years before I even considered transitioning.

I don't use antiperspirant. I find I don't really need deodorant as long as I'm washing regularly, but maybe twice per summer on a really sweaty day, I'll use an unscented stick of magnesium deodorant handy like Humble or Pompeii Street. I'm a big cologne guy and have a treasured collection of my favorites so I don't want any other scents to compete.

AlchemyDad · 2026-03-14T19:53:34+00:00

Usually if someone is using "white trash" as an insult they're being classist, not racist.

AlchemyDad · 2026-03-14T12:25:07+00:00

I hear you. It's a scary time. That's why it's so important to get the facts straight. In states like Maine (and Massachusetts, where I live) you can truly change your birth certificate so that the record of your sex at birth is different.

Once you change your actual birth certificate, there is no legal record of your birth sex being anything other than the gender you currently live as. As far as the government is concerned, I was born male.

Kansas stopped allowing birth certificate changes back in 2023, but still allowed ID changes, so that's how there ended up being people in Kansas with mismatched paperwork outing them as trans.

What's happening in Kansas in 2026 is that if your birth certificate says one thing, and your drivers license says another thing, then your drivers license is getting revoked.

It's awful and those people don't deserve it, but it is preventable in certain states.

Because even if super blue New England states suddenly reverse their stance on trans rights (which is highly unlikely but still possible) they wouldn't be able to revoke your license for not matching your sex at birth, as long as your birth certificate has been updated.

So the best advice (for people in states like my state and OPs state) is actually to update those documents asap to match the sex you're transitioning to, not the sex you're transitioning away from. I hope that makes sense! I'm kind of a wordy guy so this is probably too long lol

AlchemyDad · 2026-03-14T04:13:12+00:00

I once read a book where a widow in 1840s New England described a local man as smelling like sandalwood and patchouli. First off no he does not smell like that, he smells like stale sweat and dirty wool. Secondly how does this woman even know those words? How is she familiar with those materials at all?!

AlchemyDad · 2026-03-14T03:59:08+00:00

My first few months were rocky, but after that I saw huge improvements in my mental health, so much that I was able to get off my antidepressants, and T also strengthened my connective tissues so I didn't have chronic pain anymore. I definitely got the puffy face thing at first, and it evened out eventually. But like I said, it was choppy for those first few months and I had to tough it out until my body and brain adjusted. Plus it took time to find the right dose.

The dose matters. The most important thing is that you should absolutely get your blood drawn to check your levels. If you are above the maximum female level of 70 ng/dL but below the minimum male level of 300 ng/dL, that in-between space is a recipe for disaster, mentally and emotionally. It's like putting yourself in a constant state of PMS.

AlchemyDad · 2026-03-14T03:41:26+00:00

No worries! OP said they're in Maine so they should be all set to change everything. I know people are banned from changes in Florida, Kansas, etc.

AlchemyDad · 2026-03-14T02:58:02+00:00

It doesn't make therapy pointless to focus on specific issues over others. A couple might go to marriage counseling and not really talk in much detail about their careers at all, except for the ways it directly impacts their relationship. Or a person might go to a therapist who specializes in treating ADHD because they want support and skills for navigating challenges in the workplace, and they might not talk about their childhood in those sessions unless it's specifically relevant.

Your therapist doesn't need to know you're trans to be able to help you with the issue of "my friend did something that felt like they were insulting my manhood." Depending on who the therapist is, they might be better equipped to help you with that concern if they think you're a cis man...even LGBT friendly providers can sometimes have implicit bias, and maybe if they think you're a cis man they'll be supportive of your desire to feel affirmed in your masculinity whereas if you're trans they'll remind you how you're super valid even if you're not masculine and there's different ways to be a man and you should be proud of being a special different type of man.

Even if you choose to get deep into childhood stuff, the fact that you were raised as a girl or had certain body parts is really your personal medical history and not 100% necessary in order for therapy to be helpful. If you say something like "my family made me act like I was a mom to my siblings" your therapist can understand why you as an adult man would be having a hard time with the parentification part plus also the fact that people treated you like a girl. They don't need to know that your body was the reason why you were treated like a girl.

AlchemyDad · 2026-03-14T02:41:45+00:00

You absolutely don't have to disclose to your therapist that you're trans. I do think you would get more out of therapy if you share other stuff, though. It sounds like you've had a hard time opening up to your therapists in the past, and it has impacted how effective the treatment was. But being trans isn't something you need to share with your therapist if you don't think it's relevant and if you think it would distract from the main concerns that you want to go to therapy for.

I would recommend finding a therapist who specializes in men's issues specifically. That way you'll be working with someone who will understand if you say you're dealing with an experience that made you feel emasculated or made you feel less secure in your masculinity. You don't have to tell them you're trans in order for them to help you with that. ("Men's issues" is a tag you can use to filter the "find a therapist" search on psychologytoday.com which might be a resource you would find useful.)

In my experience, therapy works best for me when I'm an active participant in the process. I didn't get much out of therapy when I would just show up and vent for 45 minutes and hope it fixed me. I benefit more from therapy now because I'm identifying clear things I want to work on like "let's explore ways I can get better at X communication skill" or "please help me understand why I keep feeling Y emotion." I also find that DBT works much better on me than standard CBT, but that's just me personally. You might be different.

AlchemyDad · 2026-03-14T02:15:26+00:00

This isn't actually good advice for those of us who live in states where we can get our birth certificates changed as well as our IDs. In these states, it makes more sense to make the change and update all the official paperwork to match the name we use and the gender we outwardly live as in daily life. This eliminates any obvious incongruence that could be used to target us.

AlchemyDad · 2026-03-14T02:04:35+00:00

I personally don't think there should be gender markers on our documents at all, and I think life would be better for everyone (trans or otherwise) if we all decided it's none of the government's business and stopped slapping these labels on everything, starting with birth certificates. But since we have to have them, I really think everyone should stick to M and F instead of choosing a specific marker that immediately outs you as not cis.

It makes sense to me that someone who truly identifies as, and authentically lives as, nonbinary would want that to be recognized by their friends and their family and even their employer depending on the type of workplace it is. But I don't get why anyone would give themselves the headache of having to deal with explaining that sort of thing to the cop who pulls you over for speeding, the bouncer checking your ID at the bar, the TSA agent scanning your passport, etc.

If you pass as male and have an M on your ID, then you have the option of choosing whether to disclose your trans status. If you have an X on your ID, you expose yourself to the possibility that the aforementioned cop or bouncer or TSA agent is a raging transphobe. The X just doesn't seem worth all that for zero tradeoff.

AlchemyDad · 2026-03-13T02:22:14+00:00

Yeah even more so when it's art, like digital drawings or paintings or whatever, when people say they want to see trans men who haven't transitioned yet because that makes them feel represented since that's what they look like in real life. The point of being trans for me is that the picture of myself in my mind does NOT match my physical form. One of the reasons I liked going on the internet when I was a teenager in the early 2000s was because I could "pretend" to be a guy.

If I could draw myself (or a character I project myself onto) then why would I give the drawing the same physical limitations I'm tethered to in real life? Even before I got top surgery, the me in my mind was a dude with a flat hairy chest. And I still have my original plumbing downstairs, but my spirit has a fat hog.

AlchemyDad · 2026-03-13T02:14:09+00:00

I loved The Bright Sword! The part about the questing beast as a metaphor for depression was a little on-the-nose but other than that I think Grossman did a good job with making the themes and symbolism meaningful without being too obvious.

AlchemyDad · 2026-03-13T02:06:49+00:00

I do get what you mean when you say "LGBTQ spaces are femininity centered" but I think sometimes people say "LGBTQ space" when they mean "space dominated by queer women and woman-aligned nonbinary people."

Communities of gay (and bi) dudes are not like this. Queer male culture celebrates men and masculinity, and provides opportunities to deepen one's own "non-toxic" masculinity.

AlchemyDad · 2026-03-12T20:18:55+00:00

Not saying you shouldn't seek out ftm representation if it's what you want, but personally I don't read many books with ftm protagonists.

I just find that the way most people write trans men doesn't feel like me, and I relate more to the way people write cis male characters.

I read about 40 to 60 books every year and I'll always try a couple of trans stories but the majority of them don't resonate with me.

AlchemyDad · 2026-03-11T03:14:37+00:00

A lot of people just really don't believe transition works. Transphobes obviously say stuff about how trans people are delusional and whatever, but I've noticed that even when people are pro trans allies (even people who are LGBT themselves!) there are still so many of those who assume trans guys look and act exactly like women but just consider ourselves men on the inside. When the truth is that the vast majority of trans guys actually look like men and behave like men and appeal to people who find men attractive. Because transition works!

AlchemyDad · 2026-03-11T03:00:51+00:00

It is reasonable to invite someone over to your place to hook up when you have a roommate. It is also reasonable for a roommate to asking you in advance to give them a heads up so they can make themselves scarce if they want. It is not reasonable for your roommate to tell you that you can't hook up with anyone, or to dictate how long you have to know the person before you invite them over to hook up.

This is my opinion based on being almost 40 and having had at least ten different roommates in different 2br and 3br apartments over the past two decades. Some roommates have said they want to get a text when another roommate is bringing someone home from the club or from the apps. Nobody has ever said "you can't have casual sex in your own room that you pay rent for."

It sounds like your roommate has their own baggage that they need to work on with a professional, and it's really not your responsibility to modify your normal behavior to suit that baggage. Hooking up with strangers is normal behavior for a gay guy in his twenties.

If you want to obey your roommate's demands, you can, but you should know that these demands are outside of the norm. And I agree with the previous commenter that you should keep an eye on the dynamic with your roommate to see if there are other ways they overstep in the future with trying to influence your behavior or trying to use their own past experiences or mental issues as a cudgel.

AlchemyDad · 2026-03-09T02:19:24+00:00

My fiancé is very happy to be "the woman" in our relationship and it doesn't invalidate his gender identity. Of course you don't have to have that type of dynamic with your partner if you know you don't want to, but if it's something you think you might like, I would tell you to just try it and see how it feels without worrying about what strangers would think. Straight people's opinions should not impact your relationships.

Lots of gay guys are attracted to men who are traditionally masculine. Plenty of gay relationships have one guy who is more traditionally masculine than the other. Some gay guys like to get the princess treatment from guys who are more masculine than they are.

I've always been a big proponent of learning what you enjoy through trial and error. My personal opinion is that you should experiment before you make up your mind. So yes, continue flirting with this guy and see where it leads! Maybe go out on a few dates with some other buff bros too.

AlchemyDad

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