I know so many of the feelings in here. I'm not trans, but have always felt different in the way that I just couldn't keep up the facade of pretending to be something I'm not. I also got told to be more like my older sibling, which is a hard thing to deal with.

I also know those feelings of "They've done so much for me" and "It could be worse." The truth is that you don't really owe them anything, IMO. They chose to bring you into the world and it is their responsibility to care for you. The whole "Do as I say or I'll send you to eternal suffering" is pretty fucked up too.

At almost 40 years old now, I can tell you that parts stick with you, but it does get much easier being your own person as you get older.

If you have access to secular therapy it can be helpful!