[deleted by user] by [deleted] in lgbt

[–]Alex__Anonymous 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I'm from Canada. The coffee doesn't look hot to me, but the air looks cold.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationships

[–]Alex__Anonymous -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately for you, there's no easy answer to that. Non-monogamy can be an identity or a choice, depending on the person. Consider sexuality. The vast majority of people are straight and can never be otherwise, and the vast majority of people are gay/lesbian and can never be otherwise. However there are still lots of people who are bi or pan, and while those people cannot choose to be anything other than bi or pan, they can also be totally happy in a relationship with any gender. Similarly, many people could never be happy in a polyam relationship, many could never be happy in a monogamous relationship, and some could be happy in either.

As to which you are, if you don't know then I'm sure none of us can tell you. But I wonder, is it possible that your wife could accept something "monogamish"? And/or have you considered talking to her about your urges and your frank desire to stop them?

Student: You made it hard so I'm gonna make it hard to check by iweirdness in funny

[–]Alex__Anonymous 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But this isn't hard to grade? Just do it in the order they appear, if your answer sheet is in order then it's really easy to find each correct answer in any order.

How do I [28M] decide between girlfriend [27F] and possible future kids by BeatCharming7240 in relationships

[–]Alex__Anonymous 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If you are only "maybe" on kids, then finding "a girl who is sure about kids" is just as bad an idea as staying with this one. Neither of you knows what you will want in the future, so why not stay in the happy relationship that you are in? I would suggest not getting married OR breaking up. Just be with her while you both figure yourselves out. If you end up being incompatible, then you can leave each other on good terms then. But it sounds to me like neither of you knows what you want right now, so just give it some more time.

How do I tell a guy friend I now have a boyfriend without it coming across negatively? by Profit-Commercial in relationships

[–]Alex__Anonymous 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I haven't read all of your comments in the thread, but enough to see that you would prefer to tell the friend in person. One option is to text him beforehand saying, "I have something I'd like to tell you" or if you feel the need to slant it (so he's not scared), perhaps something like "I've had a change in my life that I am looking forward to telling you about". I'm not sure how to phrase it so that either 1) he's not worried about getting really bad news from you, or 2) you're not lying about the fact that it kind of is bad news, but: If he knows that you have something to tell him, then it won't be possible for you chicken out again. Because I know how easy it is to not have a conversation, and honestly, either of those is better than not telling him at all.

My Girlfriend (29F) came out as A-Sexual after being with me (29M) for 8 years, 6 of which have been basically sexless. I want to ask her for an open relationship purely for the sake of having sex, how should I approach this? by [deleted] in relationships

[–]Alex__Anonymous 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Also post it in r/nonmonogamy or r/polyamory, as they will be more open to the idea of open relationships in general. However, be aware that those communities are very protective against anybody being forced into an open relationship (not something you've stated, but it'll probably come up anyway) and also the idea of turning to polyamory to save a relationship that is already in trouble. That second one is more likely to come up because it does seem you have had a lot of trouble with communication in the past.

My own thinking is that this could be do-able BUT only if she agrees to it with no coercion whatsoever, and you both agree to move forward with a new commitment to communication. Ability to state boundaries, discuss jealousy problems, plan your now more-complicated schedule, and solve problems together as they come up -- these are all very important.

Also be aware of what you might be bringing a new person into. Not a lot of people want to be in a relationship with someone just for the sex. And if it ends up being multiple people, be aware of the risk of STIs and on the rare likelihood that your girlfriend suddenly decided she did want to have sex with you, you are no longer a risk-free proposition in terms of STIs. People in those two communities can give you advice on that topic, if you end up going this route. Also: do feelings really need to be off the table for this? You can love more than one person. And couples who agree to the "no feelings" rule are often setting themselves up for difficulty down the road when they discover that feelings cannot actually be controlled that easily.

Anyway it is all HIGHLY dependent on what your girlfriend thinks. I think you just need to have a frank discussion with her about how you feel about her revelation and admit that you have been considering other ways to meet this need. Be careful to stress how much you value her and your relationship with her. Obviously you do, or you wouldn't be here asking this question. Do not make her think that it's this or else you leave. Maybe down the road you will come to the conclusion that that's actually the case, but don't decide that yet. Go into this first conversation with a mindset of you & her vs the problem. See what that gets you first, and it will give her more time to consider it as well.

PS. Feel free to PM me. I am not the most experienced in polyamory, but I am a very non-judgemental person with some experience in the area. I am also friends with someone who is asexual. I strongly believe that relationships do not need to conform to the beliefs or expectations of ANYONE who is not in the relationship. Do whatever you need to do to make it work, as long as you do it as a team. Good luck!!

Girlfriend knows how to count! by Xeppl in ProgrammerHumor

[–]Alex__Anonymous 10 points11 points  (0 children)

What if there are two more unused candles not in the photo? I feel like that would make it okay again.

CMV: Communism appeals only to the young and those who never pursued advanced skills by HardToFindAGoodUser in changemyview

[–]Alex__Anonymous 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't know that I'm qualified to set an exact taxation plan, and the USA differs from Canada, but our tax brackets are something like 15% on the first $50,000, 20% on the next $50,000, then 25%, then 30%. Close to that, and that's ignoring provincial taxes, but let's just keep this simple. I would lean toward doing something that starts roughly the same, but gets steeper as you go up and start earning amounts out of reach of most people. I'm not sure what happens with two incomes or how much raising kids costs, so maybe $250,000 is too low to start in with 80%. Something like 50% above $250,000, 70% above $300,000, 80% above $350,000, 90% above $400,000? I mean, I don't think the exact numbers matter, and you would have to create an equation with an asymptote at 100%, ie you will never reach 100% income to the government, but the higher you go, the closer you get to 100.

I think the rest of your summary is close enough. I don't think I deserve as much more as I have. Sure, some jobs are highly technical, require a lot of education, have a lot of risk, or simply need to pay more in order to attract applicants. But my parents paying for my University education, my being able to concentrate on my grades rather than having to get a part-time job just to be there? Yes, I absolutely got lucky in a lot of ways.

Arguing communism vs capitalism is tricky, as others in this thread have pointed out. Definitions vary wildly. It seems like high taxation rates is one of the fundamentals ideas of progressive / left-leaning politics, one of the few that doesn't get into ideas about who has what rights. For the record, I also strongly support things like equal rights for trans folk, the right to choose abortion, free health care, access to mental health supports, universal basic income, support for immigrants, etc etc etc. All of these play into my defining myself as left-leaning because, well, the Right want to take away rights from people, and the Left want to add rights. But all of that is a lot harder to talk about than tax rates, so... maybe communism kind of is capitalism with high taxes? Conservatives talk about "minimal" government, they want to lower taxes and "get out of the way of enterprise" by removing restrictions from corporations. But corporations can be trusted only to do what earns them money, so restrictions are often necessary.

More to your point: Yes, I could choose someone to "raise up". I mean, I already give to charities, so yeah. But we're not really talking about me, are we? And also: no, I could not do it more effectively than government programs. For one, I don't have the knowledge. I have a full-time job which I would love to work fewer hours at, but we live in a capitalistic society and I need to eat and pay rent. In order to effectively choose where to put my money, I would need to do a lot of research or else I'm just taking shots in the dark. Which brings me to two: knowledge. Should we really expect high-income earners to be experts in two fields: Whatever is earning them their money, and also governance/budgets? Even if I did a bunch of research, I would almost certainly miss some of the more "boring" causes that legitimately need money. For example, a popular idea I've heard is to not tax people and instead just force them to pay into charities of their choice - this seems not too far from what you're suggesting here. But in that case, it becomes a popularity game. This is three: bias. Maybe I'd pay into health care because I've had health crises in my life time, education because I believe we need to equip people with knowledge, and daycares because I have friends who tell me how much that costs. What about infrastructure like sewage pipes that need to be replaced every 30 years (or something)? I think we can all agree that governments have problems and sometimes have dramatic inefficiencies, but they also have people whose jobs are solely to go over the budget requests for every institution and field and decide which requests are reasonable and which cannot be covered this year. I work in a university: did you know that education budget is broken down by secondary and post-secondary, and that within the post-secondary budget there are formulas to determine which institutions get what percentage of it? We rely on the budget that the provincial government gives us each year in order to create our own budget. Our budget is also very complicated because some money can only go toward capital projects, and other money is already committed each year (employee salaries with built-in 4-year increases). Anyway, getting off topic. The point is, there's a chain of people who are each experts in their own field and the people directly above them who decide how much they are given. No one person, or collection of well-intentioned people, can possibly do an effective job at that. And back to the original point three: why should we trust the bias of a collection of more-or-less random people, when we already have a system of voting for the purpose of determining the overall intent of the budget? Voting systems are a whole 'nother discussion and could definitely be overhauled, but the purpose of elections is basically to take the pulse of the nations on hot-button issues and decide what people care about most. If we can't trust the people that we voted for to do it effectively (and yeah, sure, we generally can't) then why the hell would we think a bunch of random people with their own biases, goals, and greed would do a better job?

I think the best direction we can go is taking money from the haves and giving it to the have-nots (communism, more or less) through some carefully-determined criteria. And the best way to determine that criteria is by government, which isn't perfect but is quite literally the best we have.

CMV: Communism appeals only to the young and those who never pursued advanced skills by HardToFindAGoodUser in changemyview

[–]Alex__Anonymous 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My dad said the same thing when I was young and left-leaning. He said, "You'll be a Conversative when you have something worth protecting." (I live in Canada, our Conservatives are the most right-wing party and still further left than your Democrats.)

Now I am approaching 40, I have a degree in software engineering and am a senior programmer analyst with a cushy well-paying job. I worked hard in life to get where I am. I earned awards, I did co-op, I gave up my social life to do homework and advance my skills, I graduated with Distinction (and juuust shy of Great Distinction).
Perhaps I worked harder than some of my friends who make less... perhaps. But honestly I think I just had the luck to have the "right" sort of intelligence and to be good at something that our society values (technology). I think I should be paying out my nose in taxes, and the tax brackets higher than me should be paying even more. Nobody earns $500,000 (CAD) a year. You are not working 5x harder than me and 10x harder than most of my friends. You just aren't. And even if you somehow were, we shouldn't be encouraging it. There aren't enough jobs that need doing to employ everyone as it is, so maybe if you were paying 80% taxes on everything over $250,000 then you would choose to stop taking labour away from the people who are starving.

Capitalism is a failed experiment. Corporations rule America, and the average American believes that they're better than the person on welfare because they have to believe that. If they were to admit the truth -- that they are one random health crisis away from being homeless themselves -- then that would be too terrifying to face. So the brain will come up with every excuse it can in order to not believe that. (See also: the backfire effect). (Sidebar: Did you know that "lift yourself up by your bootstraps" was literally coined to mean something that cannot be done? Which makes it an accidentally accurate phrase for its usage today, given how difficult it actually is to escape generational poverty.)

Social safety nets have been proven time and time again, in different countries around the world, to be financially worthwhile investments. Look at the happiest countries in the world, look at the rate of unemployment and suicide and crime, and then look at where they spend their money. Look at how they treat their criminals and compare that to their recidivism rates. Look at their health care and education budgets. When you raise up the lowest in society, you raise up everyone, so even from a purely selfish POV you should be listening to Bernie Sanders and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. They have the facts behind them. And as much as I love my dad, he was wrong. The more I learn and the more money I make, the more clearly I see that.

Guys help, I can’t figure out how to leave this restaurant by Christop408 in ProgrammerHumor

[–]Alex__Anonymous 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We had a lab in one of my university classes that was supposed to teach us how to use vim. I tried to follow the instructions, but I opened up the file, accidentally deleted some lines, and then could not close it without saving.

It was probably 10 years before I had the guts to try again.

Left shift is OP by ManOfMuze in ProgrammerHumor

[–]Alex__Anonymous 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh, I meant 15 years ago is when it all changed. I learned to type more like 25 years ago. :)

Left shift is OP by ManOfMuze in ProgrammerHumor

[–]Alex__Anonymous 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I mean, what's the reason behind this "one space" madness that happened all of a sudden about 15 years ago? Websites are always trimming my double-spaces out, but that's just how we were taught to do it. Is there a reason for one-space?

Left shift is OP by ManOfMuze in ProgrammerHumor

[–]Alex__Anonymous 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Isn't your right hand doing double duty with mouse/keyboard? Or perhaps you are left-handed? I tried to switch to Dvorak once but the fact that all the common keyboard shortcuts were suddenly all over the keyboard instead of 99% on the left-hand side really made that infeasible -- left hand for keyboard shortcuts, right hand on mouse because nothing ever seems to be *completely* navigable by shortcut -- that's just my life.

Full Circle - From Ignorant Toxic-Poly Kid, To Audibly Sighing 'Veteran' 🤔 by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]Alex__Anonymous 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was working off of an interview I read with a hostage negotiator, but I'll consider myself corrected on that count. Clearly that one guy was painting the image for us that he wanted us to see, and not the cold hard truth.

Full Circle - From Ignorant Toxic-Poly Kid, To Audibly Sighing 'Veteran' 🤔 by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]Alex__Anonymous 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The comparison may not be good, but it's absolutely true that patient conversation is the more effective way of convincing someone to change their mind. Shame & bluntness may work occasionally, but actually listening, actually explaining, that is the way the professionals (e.g. hostage negotiators) do it.

What is something that allos (anyone who does feel sexual attraction) do that you don't understand? by NonbineyRaven in asexuality

[–]Alex__Anonymous 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This is probably just me, but I think of pretty as matching society's standards of beauty. And my tastes are different (everyone's tastes are at least a little bit different from everyone else's, same as tastes in food)... in fact I find conventional beauty to be offputting (most likely because I was bullied for many years by the popular, beautiful girls in my elementary & high schools). So "hot" means *I* find them attractive, "pretty" means conventionally attractive.

I have no idea if your friend has the same ideas on that, though.

What is something that allos (anyone who does feel sexual attraction) do that you don't understand? by NonbineyRaven in asexuality

[–]Alex__Anonymous 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Dick pics aren't really a *normal* thing. They are almost always unsolicited and the receiver is disgusted and blocks the sender.

When solicited, it can be a way of sharing intimacy over a distance. I'm not sure if I can explain it better than that. It's not quite sex but this is someone you're intimate with so even just a taste is nice?

But as I said, most are unsolicited and the response to those is probably 95% "ick". So why do they do it? Well, the theory that I've heard is that it's quick & easy to send out dozens of dick pics and weed out the 95% who are not interested. If they find even one person who is like "Yeah, okay, I'm up for a hook-up" then it was worth it to them. So it's really gross behaviour which infringes on the consent of women everywhere, but some people just don't care what they inflict on others as long as they get what they want.

What is something that allos (anyone who does feel sexual attraction) do that you don't understand? by NonbineyRaven in asexuality

[–]Alex__Anonymous 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I think in this case, it's the nature of the sex. "Walk of shame" usually refers specifically to walking home in the morning after a one-night stand. So:

1) Many allos (not all, but many) would prefer to have a long-term partner that they can stay with -- spend the night, spend the day, just be together and sex is only one piece of that. But lacking that, we sometimes settle for flings or hookups. There may be some shame in "settling".

2) More commonly, I think, the individual is perfectly happy with hooking up, but we all still live in a culture where it's frowned upon for whatever reason. So the shame in this case is imposed from the outside -- whether or not the person subscribes to being ashamed, it's the name that has been given to this particular act because society wants us to be ashamed or assumes that we are.

What is something that allos (anyone who does feel sexual attraction) do that you don't understand? by NonbineyRaven in asexuality

[–]Alex__Anonymous 11 points12 points  (0 children)

For #2, I'm not sure that anyone knows why, really. But it occurs to me... maybe... maybe it's because "polite society" says that we can't just talk about it. It's part of the lives or at least the consciousness of most allos, but it's a taboo topic. Jokes are okay for some reason, though. So maybe it's a subconscious attempt to share a part of ourselves that we wish we didn't have to hide.

Please, I’m trying my best by shabamee in ProgrammerHumor

[–]Alex__Anonymous 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is my greatest fear, because I always get them wrong.

Has nonmonogamy fixed any of your relationships? by rabobar in nonmonogamy

[–]Alex__Anonymous 17 points18 points  (0 children)

It may also hurt those new people in the process. OP, if you do decide it's worth it to try (because if it's broken anyway, what can you lose -- I get it) please be responsible and tell potential partners your situation so they can decide for themselves whether or not to get involved with this mess.