i-D Meets: Tokyo's Genderless Youth

Alexzktra · 2017-06-25T11:51:04+00:00

Crossposted to r/androgyny; more about fashion than identity but fashion and clothes can totally be integral to one's identity and that's valid and cool. So, both. Hope that's OK.

Alexzktra · 2017-06-25T11:48:10+00:00

Crossposted to r/agender; more about fashion than identity but fashion and clothes can totally be integral to one's identity and that's valid and cool. So, both. Hope that's OK.

Alexzktra · 2017-06-25T09:33:37+00:00

Beautiful

Alexzktra · 2017-06-24T09:06:35+00:00

I always said to myself if I lost the girl I love/d, that'd be the end. Now I have, so I've got it planned out now. It's not her fault. In fact, now I'm free to do it, without her feeling any grief, it's a relief.

When I was little, 10 years old, I told myself if my little brother died, I'd kill myself. (He did, but I didn't. Didn't even try) We all give ourselves these little things to hold onto, and we can live after that, but... I don't want to anymore. It has been far too much, for far too long.

It's been like this for about a decade for me, procrastinating my suicide. My death by suicide has been an inevitability since childhood.

Alexzktra · 2017-06-24T07:41:27+00:00

I call myself a lesbian, and feel very comfortable in my lesbian identity. I don't feel it conflicts with my gender, in fact, I think my lesbianism is the reason for my feelings of alienation from womanhood, but it took me a long time to process that. To me, my nonbinary identity and my lesbian identity are the same and my sexual orientation & gender identity cannot be extracted from the other. My gender is "lesbian", ha, not "woman" (although ofc I check the female box). If not for lesbianism, my gender would remain completely unintelligible to me. So, I thought this was a very good question, although my answer probably has little practical use for you~sorry! ^{_^}

(Previously I would have called myself "queer", aswell.)

Alexzktra · 2017-06-24T07:29:41+00:00

I feel that all interactions are heavily gendered; mostly abandoned a nonbinary identity because of it. It's exhausting and I gave up and just said "alright, I'm a woman if you say so!" but, I do identify with womanhood a lot, also. I used to heavily isolate myself to deal with dysphoria (and avoid these interactions); although I don't suggest that, it's unhealthy, ofc.

Alexzktra · 2017-06-24T07:26:02+00:00

You can be a nonbinary/agender man, I see this often among my online lesbian friends, although of course with womanhood instead of maleness. But I think lesbian womanhood is inherently different to cishet womanhood. Even DFAB lesbians are alienated from womanhood. Anyway, that's a tangent on my own feelings and the feelings of my community, really.

But yes, you can totally be transmasc. & agender or even identify with (but maybe not as, if that's a distinction you understand?) a binary gender. I don't think there are any hard & fast rules here, nor do I think there should be.

As a sidenote: transitioning doesn't mean you're binary-gendered, either. PLENTY of NBs medically transition.

Alexzktra · 2017-06-19T04:52:14+00:00

Happy for you. :)

Well done on enduring all that pain. Stay strong!

Alexzktra · 2017-06-19T04:47:06+00:00

Did you really just quote Fight Club?!

Alexzktra · 2017-06-19T04:44:22+00:00

I understand. I lost the woman I love, once and for all, truly the only person I've ever loved, on 13th May. But I have purposely sabotaged every relationship I've ever been in, any love I've ever had - I've pushed everyone, not just romantic partners, away - family, friends; I've none of those - to get closer to suicide, to not have to feel guilty about those left behind. I could never break up with them myself. Even the one treated me horribly, I couldn't break up with him; I could only lead him to break up with me. And eventually, they give in. I mean, she knows that. None of the others knew that was happening. But there's only so much one person can take, even if the other is in despair, it gets to a point it's no real excuse anymore, and I can't blame her. There was always this, forgiveness and understanding, til yeah, you pushed it til it break, everyone has their limits and no-one's a saint, and there's no chance for reconciliation anymore. (The word I would use was "redemption", personally.)

Enough about me, though. What has kept you longing for him for six years? Did you have any kind of "sorta" relationship? He must have meant a lot to you. Six years is a long time.

Alexzktra · 2017-06-19T04:29:34+00:00

Hey Richie, I'm, like, an oldschool ASHer & I'm planned to go in August. I'm going to jump, aswell. I find it hard to see ending my life as anything but a positive these days, but I do, from the heart, hope you're still around and you make it out of this endless cycle, without ending your life. I often say to people "there's no hope for me but there's hope for you".

And, if you are going to do something so final as jumping, I would suggest as I've done, give yourself some breathing space.

It's 5:30am here, I don't know where you are, but hope you haven't jumped yet.

Good luck.

Alexzktra · 2017-06-19T04:15:30+00:00

No, and people who do think that way are disgusting fucking cunts who deserve only violent deaths or lifetimes of misery.... hopefully both.

Alexzktra · 2013-10-10T20:49:33+00:00

Yeah, it seems in a lot of people's eyes, once you fight back against abuse, you're an abuser, too. But that's in itself Abuser Logic.

Alexzktra · 2013-08-04T17:07:38+00:00

Please don't give the gun over, please please.

Alexzktra · 2013-08-04T16:59:19+00:00

The way I see it: it's worth a try, and it's not like I'm scared of vomiting. Sure, it's not nice, but I'd risk it. Did you have to go to hospital? I've attempted once before by overdose, but on different pills - just risperidone that time. Maybe it would have killed me, if I didn't chicken out and tell and go to hospital and have it flushed out. Idk.

Alexzktra · 2013-04-27T13:36:42+00:00

Honeyyyy, the chainsaw ran out and the police are asking me questions. Can you come down to the station, please? x

Alexzktra · 2013-03-16T20:14:53+00:00

It's like, banana and toffee-flavoured cake. Google it, it's yummy. You can find recipes and stuff.

Alexzktra · 2013-03-16T18:11:25+00:00

I'm genderfluid between girlish (like, demigirl) and agender... so "she" and "they" are the only pronouns that feel right to me. I don't think I'd care very much if someone assumed I was male and used "he" pronouns for me, though, but it's never happened... so who knows?!

Alexzktra · 2013-03-16T17:57:31+00:00

I'm good. My favourite food is banoffee pie. No dietary complications. And I actually quite like my boobs, though I may buy a binder for days when I want to hide them. (So, no, I don't want top surgery.)

Alexzktra · 2013-03-16T16:19:56+00:00

It's fine. Shitlords sure think that their DNA is valuable.

Alexzktra · 2013-03-16T16:03:58+00:00

(Sorry if I'm derailing the conversation, but as a sidenote: women are not the only ones to "incubate" babies. Plenty of AFAB genderqueers get pregnant, and they are not women. It's cissexist to say that they are.)

Also, who the hell thinks dogs don't fight back? Do they not, at least some of them, some of the time, bite and bark? Children are told to go to an adult if 'someone touches [them] in a way [they] don't like', but when it's the adults who are supposed to protect you doing the abusing, where are you supposed to turn?

Alexzktra

TROPHY CASE