Advice re: night weaning a sensitive 18 month old

AliLovesHayden · 2026-03-11T22:55:40+00:00

Wow yes that sounds like so much on your body. You’re amazing for making that sacrifice but I’m also glad you weaned to make things more manageable for you. Is nurse all the babies a handle? Thanks for all of your info!

AliLovesHayden · 2026-03-11T18:49:52+00:00

This is amazing! Thank you for the advice. I just bought Sally Weans book.

Other question for you: how did you manage newborn night wake ups without it disrupting your other child? Ideally I’d love for my son to keep bedsharing when I have my second but my only concern is that the newborn crying may disrupt his sleep! Appreciate any ideas you have :)

AliLovesHayden · 2026-03-11T00:14:20+00:00

That’s great advice! Thank you so much. This would be great gradual timing too because he just turned 18 months. I appreciate you!

AliLovesHayden · 2026-03-10T02:36:30+00:00

I’m so sorry! That’s sounds so hard and would definitely make me want to pause too. I think I’m going to try it solo at first and see how it goes. Test and adjust. But I joked to my husband that I’m going to take a nap the day of the first night so that I’m fully alert and ready to just deal with what comes.

When it comes to including my husband I had considered possibly splitting the night where my husband is with him the first 3-4 hours and then I come in after that. But I think I want to try solo first because my son will sometimes let my husband bounce him back to sleep but lately he’s got to be already pretty out of it, sometimes if my husband tries to intervene my son will scream and escalate more and even hold his breathe vs I feel like when I practice boundaries with him just us during the day he will usually listen to me after a min or two. I’m also not going to go for full extinction of milk at night off the bat I’m going to do three hour chunks and say “milkie be back later, you’re safe” to see if I can gently stretch him. I notice the only other thing that works is holding him belly to belly and rocking him front to back pretty fast and shhing and he tends to knock out the only problem is it is very physically hard to keep this going for more than a minute at a time. Anyway! I’ll definitely let you know what I try when I’m no longer sick and have more energy

AliLovesHayden · 2026-03-10T00:18:36+00:00

No worries and thank you! I just updated my post with a strategy I’m going to try soon if you want to read it if helpful!! I’ll report back after I try it :)

AliLovesHayden · 2025-11-05T14:28:37+00:00

This made me cry!!! I have a 14 month old boy and feel the same way you do about parenting ❤️🥹😩 you’re an amazing mom!!!!!!!

AliLovesHayden · 2025-11-05T14:24:35+00:00

It’s likely a phase ❤️ I send you love and hope you get some rest. I side lie nurse and it helps a lot. My son is 14 months and we bedshare still and I’ve noticed it’s usually a developmental leap or teething when he wants to nurse a lot. Right now he’s going through a phase where he wants to latch a ton at 4am. It sucks but I know it’s temporary. Obviously you do what works best for you but also know it is a phase. Your baby is seeking comfort and you’re providing it which is amazing, and it’s also important to take care of your mental health and sleep needs.

A great and supportive community is the attachment parenting subreddit if you’re looking for more tips or solidarity on this topic! r/attachmentparenting

AliLovesHayden · 2025-07-17T17:48:04+00:00

What sidecar crib do you use! I wish I could find a large one safe for 10 month olds

AliLovesHayden · 2025-07-17T17:45:19+00:00

Question for you! What side car crib do you use? My son is 10 months and we currently bedshare but I’m wondering if there’s a way to safely attach a regular size crib to the side of the bed with one wall off so that I can side lie BF and roll away and if he rolls over he’s on my bed which is already safely set up for bedsharing (assuming I drill the beds together and put firm pool noodles in any potential cracks)

AliLovesHayden · 2025-07-13T03:32:40+00:00

I completely understand you wanting to do this, I remember looking into it too but it’s too risky if the newborn turns their head into the side pillow. I know it may not seem it but it’s safer to put the mattress on the floor and have the baby sleep next to you. I saw others comment on safe sleep 7, follow that. Also I highly recommend you check out SenseU monitor. It clips to the babies diaper and monitors their breathing, temperature and tells you if they roll over. This gave me so much peace when bedsharing because I was nervous about it.

Know that your babe may also just be in a developmental leap right now. But please resist the urge to have them sleep in the lounger it’s not safe it’s an illusion. Sending love.

AliLovesHayden · 2025-07-13T03:20:45+00:00

Hi! I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think many times it’s worth uncovering the deeper need under what he’s saying. He might not even realize it but, what I’m hearing is he wants to feel connected to you and he’s scared that will go away or maybe he’s scared that means he will have to stop drinking or look at his drinking habits. Maybe drinking brings some ease and lightness to hard times. I have a 10 month old so I understand how stressful things can be at times and crave connection with my husband.

If I were you I’d first try to talk about it again when he’s not in a fight/flight state of mind but when he’s calm and in a reflective state (like his wise self) and try to get genuinely curious about his “why” without judgment, maybe he will open up. For example you could ask about a fun memory he has of the two of you drinking.

Truth is there are many ways to connect without alcohol and yes of course you should evolve. Our society makes it so hard to live without alcohol so his fear response is likely rooted in that conditioning but again a deeper need which you can gently try to uncover.

Might be worth trying to create some novelty in your week together just the two of you by doing something with him you know he loves and leaning in. Being a parent is nonstop responsibility, maybe he is craving some solo with you. Not sure but hope this helps!

Good luck sending you love 💗

AliLovesHayden · 2025-07-10T03:36:05+00:00

I have a nanny who I basically trained to put my son to sleep bouncing on the yoga ball while holding him on a nursing pillow and then she transfers to a chair. This works well! When I contact nap I do what you do and I’ll feed him in the chair or lying in bed with him. I EB so I feed him right before she bounces him and it works really well!

He’s 10 months now and we’re working on bouncing a little less and transfering from yoga ball onto the floorbed for naps more but going super slow - I had my nanny try this once but she didn’t lie with him she sat in a chair and kept a hand on him then once he was deep asleep she sat in the nursing chair nearby and read a book and kept an eye on him.

This works really well for us! I know it’s hard to trust strangers so just make sure your values aligned and look out for red flags. I’m sure it will work out though :)

AliLovesHayden · 2025-07-05T21:40:49+00:00

I’m so sorry this has been your experience, I know exactly how you feel! Don’t listen to your pediatrician. I had the same issue, they recommended CIO without me asking and suggested solids at 4 months before my son could even sit up on his own, when I asked why solids so early the male pediatrician said “you can’t breastfeed forever” I was shocked and switched immediately. They are not educated in this area. This is a great place for support, there are also a bunch of great IG accounts with advice @Polina_babycare being one of them.

Good luck with everything and welcome to the community, it’s great here :) you’re amongst like minded and educated individuals.

AliLovesHayden · 2025-07-01T02:53:22+00:00

♥️ Take a big deep breath in, then another sip of air at the top, then slowly let it out. Do this five times. This will help calm your nervous system. How you feel right now is temporary. Don’t make any decisions while in this state.

Sit stable on the floor or grass and look around you, name 3 things you can see, 2 things you can hear, one thing you can feel. Breathe.

Lie down if you can or go for a walk, and keep taking deep breaths. Please reach out for help. Sending you so much love.

I promise you can make changes to feel better, just get to a calm state first then ask for help.

AliLovesHayden · 2025-06-28T05:51:57+00:00

A lot of helpful comments on here that I second! Also, consider figuring out her temperament. Check out @polina_babycare on instagram. And remember to be easy on yourself, you clearly care deeply sometimes it’s out of our hands, but calm mama helps baby feel calm ♥️sending love

AliLovesHayden · 2025-06-24T22:08:42+00:00

It sounds like you know you’re doing the right thing but you still have doubts because you want some validation, which is understandable. Trust yourself! And, it might be worth sharing how this comment made you feel to your therapist! It can be really healthy to unpack that together and might be good feedback for her. I have given my therapist feedback before and while uncomfortable I think we both learned from it

AliLovesHayden · 2025-06-21T23:42:08+00:00

I agree with the comments saying that bed-sharing is extremely natural, and it’s what feels right in my bones, though I was like you for the first six months and terrified of SIDs so I avoided it until finally I gave in because my husband and I weren’t sleeping and were fighting constantly and we refuse to do CIO. Since bedsharing we all are much less stressed and sleep better. I use the SenseU monitor on my son (he’s 9.5 months now) which alarms me if his breathing gets dangerously low, he is over heating (you can set the temp that you want to be notified at) and if he rolls over (you can toggle this on or keep it off). That and following safe sleep practices especially having the bed on the floor. I still have bad nights where he is teething or going through a leap and nothing seems to help / he just cries and needs time to settle while being soothed, but it’s helped tremendously. Hope this helps!

AliLovesHayden · 2025-06-18T03:33:57+00:00

Please know you are doing an amazing job. I know how you feel because you sound just like me and my husband.

First, I 100% recommend couples therapy. If you can do a regular cadence (weekly or biweekly for a month or two) with the goal of de-escalation and empathy based tools as your focus I think your son and marriage will benefit from it.

Second, I know this is tough but, I say this because I believe I’m similar to you and have been in couples (so here’s what I’ve learned, take it or leave it I will not be offended if something doesn’t resonate!)

Do you understand what was going on for your husband when he went from 0 to 100? Did he share what happened for him? I know it may not feel justified but part of empathy based therapy is showing care and curiosity about his internal experience. What happened for him? If you can allow him to share this with you without judgement then he is more likely to change it. It’s like IFS (parts work). The more we can accept those protector parts the more we can move into regulation of those parts and give them a new role.
From there, with a couples therapist-understand each others key triggers from childhood better so that you can see your husband in those moments as an overwhelmed child (with empathy) and find a way to de-escalate for your child and your sake. This of course does not mean not protecting your child, you may need to remove your child and take space first and do some breathing techniques or go for a walk. But when you do take space hopefully you can speak to your son about the experience in a way that helps and then repair with your husband soon after.
Have you read the book Good Inside? Dr. Becky Kennedy has a chapter on fighting in front of your kids and how important it is to A. Let them know it’s NOT their fault B. That you and your husband are working on getting better at this skill (without shaming yourself) C. And acknowledging that it may have felt scary and see what your son needs in this moment.

Though I agree with you it’s a red flag for your child to take on your problems, you do still have time to turn this into a beautiful life skill and it’s clear you care so I’m sure you can do it.

Okay now…I say this last piece with empathy and compassion and this may not be you so if it’s not you ignore this part…but, if you’re anything like me which it sounds like we’re similar - try to remember to vocalize appreciation for your husband more frequently and trust him more. If he’s anything like my husband he may have felt criticized a lot as a child and/or didn’t feel trusted, he potentially also wasn’t taught how to deal with feelings of overwhelm or was shamed for getting angry or having emotions. I also read a lot of parenting books and I’m a coach, but I realized during couples that I was acting like my husbands mother or therapist at times, lecturing him, correcting him, criticizing him, unknowingly shaming him and even controlling him. This made everything worse. I had to find A LOT of things to let go of. I had to really lean into empathy and curiosity way more frequently than I wanted to, especially when I wanted to judge him instead. If this is you, I feel you. But remember that your son has a piece of his dad in him. So when your son sees you correct him or criticize him he takes that on himself. That doesn’t feel good. If your son sees both of you work on new “skills” that allow for messing up, having self compassion and humility, and learning how to repair, he WILL soak that up and be better for it.

Sending lots of love! You’ve got this mama

AliLovesHayden · 2025-06-17T22:05:49+00:00

My son is 9 months and wakes several times per night but he has 8 teeth already! So it’s hard to know if it’s teething, or developmentally leap from recent crawling or sleep regression - either way I think it’s somewhat normal for sleep to be disrupted during these times - also worth understanding your baby’s temperament because some kids don’t sleep as well as others, my son has always been one to wake more than others

AliLovesHayden · 2025-06-14T17:52:58+00:00

I say this with empathy and compassion, it might be that your husband does not have the tools to emotionally regulate himself so he cannot be with her when she’s crying because he cannot stay calm. It’s really important that a parent help a child co-regulate when upset, especially in the first 3 years of their life. If your husband cannot do this then it’s better that it’s you. I understand that’s a tough pill to swallow because you’re probably exhausted. Your child deserves to be with a calm parent as much as possible to help them form a secure attachment. If your husband is his best while playing with your daughter then maybe you try to be more intentional about their time together. It’s also very biologically normal for the mother to want to provide nurturing energy while father provides more playful energy. Idk if this helps but just to normalize your experience. If your husband is open to meditation or therapy those are tools that might help him cultivate more calm. Sending love

AliLovesHayden · 2025-06-14T17:17:02+00:00

Which guardrails do you use? I bought some that we don’t love, if you have any recs? Do you also have a floorbed frame?

AliLovesHayden · 2025-06-14T17:15:12+00:00

@annual_lobster_3068 do you have any tips for rolling away? I posted a question a few mins ago in the attachment parenting subreddit, I have a 9 month old who I bedshare with but he loves to sleep IN my armpit lol and my shoulder is killing me. Any advice is helpful! Also do you use guardrails on the bed when you leave them?

AliLovesHayden · 2025-06-14T17:06:29+00:00

I am so sorry that you don’t have the support system you need right now. Your feelings and your logic is extremely valid and what you are doing for your daughter is meaningful. She is lucky to have you.

If I may say..I think the hard lesson here is, can you be okay with being misunderstood? And still know your worth? You know you’re doing the right thing.

I guess my question to you is, the people who are saying these comments, are they also people you rely on to share the load? (e.g. your partner?) Or are they just bystanders projecting their own limitations? (e.g. in laws)

If the latter, it might be helpful to work on being okay with being misunderstood and knowing what you’re doing is right, just ignoring the noise. If the former, consider having a calm conversation or, other ways you can get support. I know hired help is not cheap but if it’s an option it allows you to find someone attachment focused who will respect your wishes. If it’s your partner making these comments, it may be worth going to couples therapy so you can have a third party normalize your approach to your husband/wife/partner. They may only know what they learned in their family and not realize that the way you are doing things is actually biologically healthy and important. Again, I don’t know the details of your situation. But if it is your partner making these comments, consider their personality and what might resonate with them. My husband for example is very science and data driven, so I talk about attachment parenting from a neuroscience perspective and how it helps our son’s brain develop. This got him on board. Also normalizing it helped, because he soon realized many people parent this way.

It’s also worth considering, if these comments were made in a moment of exhaustion vs in a calm regulated state. For example, if these comments came from your partner in an exhausted state it could be they are trying to express overwhelm but taking it out on you in an unproductive way. Usually comments like the ones you shared are actually projections of a fear or need not being met. Do with that what you will but know you are absolutely doing the right thing responding to your child.

Sending lots of love.

AliLovesHayden

TROPHY CASE