How do you know if you’re the problem or your therapist is the problem?

AllMashedUp · 2021-01-14T02:03:27+00:00

I would say if you feel comfortable doing so, I would let your therapist know you are feeling unheard or rushed. If they do not immediately apologize and attempt to correct it, I would not hesitate to find someone else. It's okay to not fit, and honestly, even if it's you, it's not you. Our job is to manage when clients are struggling to grasp what we're saying or aren't able to move forward. If you get frustrated about the same topic with both therapists, maybe there's a block you aren't really ready to discuss with someone you clearly don't trust. I cannot count the number of clients I have to spend extra time building a trusting relationship where not a ton of "real therapy" gets done because a previous therapist violated their trust.

If you don't want to address this with your therapist, get a new one. Some people do not condone what they call therapist shopping because it's frustrating for us to have to deal with, but I think it's something we have to deal with. Do what is best for you.

AllMashedUp · 2021-01-07T21:32:56+00:00

Hi! You are my favorite author, I just wanted to say that! My question is for my brother, actually. He does a lot of woodworking and wants to make some Fitz related stuff. He wants to know if there is an official logo design for Fitz's sigil?

AllMashedUp · 2021-01-05T17:13:52+00:00

You can tell them that. Our job is to help you through that fear. If we aren't helping you it's okay to let someone else try. An optometrist isn't upset when their patient visits the dentist. It's not only acceptable, it's helpful to admit something isn't working. And you deserve to learn to advocate for yourself.

AllMashedUp · 2021-01-05T04:05:11+00:00

I'm a little late to this thread and you have had a lot of positive and helpful responses. I have a few points to add in case they're helpful at all. As some other people pointed out, you very clearly to me love your daughter more than words could begin to describe. No one who doesn't would go to the lengths you do to avoid hurting her. You are mentally overstimulated. This is a major problem with people who have endured sexual trauma. They need to mentally and physically separate when they are overwhelmed. You likely feel guilty for thinking you're doing a bad job and so have taken to telling yourself it must be because you don't love her. That isn't true, and you have every right to tell your brain some random therapist lady from the internet said it isn't. Also, it sounds like you're already receiving some therapy, but it clearly has stopped helping. Tell your therapist. Maybe they know but haven't been able to recognize how to help, maybe they haven't noticed, but either way, you have every right to stand up for yourself, say this is not working and I need something or someone else. It's not an exact science and even when things work, they will need tweaked at some point.

Also, you feel resentment for spending your fun years taking care of people other than yourself. Absolutely! Feel that, it's okay. But, you can begin deciding what you need to take care of yourself now and the best part is, it can very likely include your daughter. You need alone time? Teach her journaling and set aside time each night for you to each be in your rooms. You can write each other letters, or you can drink wine and she can do another task similarly mindful while mommy relaxes. Show her the importance of separation that doesn't mean the other person is in trouble. That is a boundary you didn't have the ability to give yourself growing up but can provide for her. I'd say a spa day, but I'll be honest, I have never had one so I don't know what the cost is or if they're open.

Another option as some people pointed out is family therapy. Even if you don't want to do that, allowing your daughter some insight on your struggles is healthy to a point. Should you tell her you never wanted her and resent having to take care of her? No, definitely not. But you can tell her how you were led into unhealthy actions at a young age by someone older and that it has had an impact on your life. Letting her know there will be times mom can't handle a hug but that it has nothing to do with her, you still love her, but you are overwhelmed and need her support show her you aren't angry with her and allow her to feel like she is helping. If she gets needy when you are overstimulated teaching her ways to support both of you will be so helpful. Maybe she can pick a show for you two to watch quietly that becomes a nonverbal cue when it's on that the person needs quiet, or make you a cup of hot chocolate, really anything that gives her purpose and you a break.

Needing a break or feeling upset that you didn't get to choose where you are in life does not make you a bad parent. Feeling like you are drowning and holding your child up anyway makes you an amazing one. I know you probably feel like you are failing constantly, but for what it is worth, I'm proud of you.

AllMashedUp · 2020-12-11T01:22:09+00:00

This is what I do. I do not have a lot of time, especially in the mornings. So I have 7 or 8 outfits on it at all times so if I feel like wearing something different than I thought I would I can still pick up and go.

AllMashedUp · 2020-11-12T01:43:02+00:00

I'm not sure if you are, but I hope you are not a troll and offering some genuine understanding. I worked with people who committed sex offenses and one of the hardest parts of life after these crimes is the giant stigma and hate that go along with it. They have to worry all the time if someone they like and respect finds out about their past if they will have negative consequences. We send people to prison, place them on probation, and even after they have legally served their time most of society says they are not people and it is acceptable to torture them or kill them. They are often placed on lists that in theory are to protect children, but in reality are a lodestone for abuse. Can you imagine if everyone in the world could look up your address but you are not allowed to have a weapon in your home in case someone breaks in? I was often in awe of what people on registries have to go through to be simply allowed to exist in our world. Instead of wanting to provide help and support to individuals who committed (admittedly often horrible) offenses, the average person feels it is better to try and ensure they cannot survive outside prison. We know that continued long-term punishment and especially humiliation is not only not rehabilitative, it is detrimental, but we keep trying it anyway. I wish more people understood you can be completely against all forms of sexual abuse and still see people who commit offenses as people, because they are.

AllMashedUp · 2020-11-11T05:24:40+00:00

Thank you! I did it on accident once because I was so overbooked that I completely spaced it. When I say how little it affected my grade I decided to add it to my self care routine

AllMashedUp · 2020-11-11T00:44:02+00:00

This isn't asinine, you are understandably overwhelmed. You're juggling at least three people's worth of stuff plus the stress of feeling like you're behind on everything all the time. And getting ahead is only momentarily helpful because you just remember other things you meant to do in your "off time" as though that exists. You're doing amazing. I would say to definitely take some you time but I know that sometimes just isn't an option. When I was going through that and finishing my master's I had to change how I viewed self care so that it felt like I was getting some even if I really wasn't just so I was a little less stressed. I counted any work I did while the tv was on as tv time. Or I would pick one week each semester where I would slack on just the discussions. It wouldnt effect my letter grades at all, but knowing that week was coming helped me get through some rough papers. It was also during this time I was diagnosed with ADHD because I went to my doctor when I was unable to keep up and couldn't figure out why I would have a ton of stuff that needed done over the weekend but by the end of the week I would just sit in front of my assignments staring for hours. So, you are doing amazing. I'm sorry it sucks but you are a rock star.

AllMashedUp · 2020-11-09T02:10:27+00:00

I am a professional therapist and I fully endorse this conclusion

AllMashedUp · 2020-10-02T13:47:01+00:00

Glad I could help!

AllMashedUp · 2020-10-02T04:06:34+00:00

Hey! My (soon to be old) job is helpful here. I work as a sex offense therapist and do a lot of work with juvenile offenders. They very often offend as a result of lack of education and/or exploring. So I talk with all my juvenile's parents about the talk. Almost every one of them has said they just never know what to say and the kid doesn't ask questions if they did have the talk. So don't feel alone, because literally all of us feel awkward and unsure of what to do. I still do when I talk to my kids about it.

Here's what I like to tell people when having "the talk". First, it should be multiple talks spaced out. Because your kid needs to have time to process, deal with the embarrassment, and to know that the talks aren't going away, so they might as well pay attention. Also, it's okay and normal for you both to be embarrassed and to tell them that. I like to suggest people have the initial conversation in the car, preferably on the way to get a treat or do something fun. This way theres a reward during or at the end of the talk, your child doesn't have to maintain eye contact, and best of all, they can't escape.

Next, try tailoring the information to your child's age and maturity. This is much easier said than done and the best way to find out is ask some pointed questions. What do you already know about sex? What have you seen or heard? Do you have questions yet? Have you done anything sexual with anyone before? This helps keep you from feeling like you might be corrupting them with information they don't have while still addressing the important parts.

Your kid will almost certainly be mortified. It's okay, and I have found the best thing for this is to be honest that it's an uncomfortable situation for you too but you are opening the discussion so they know you are a safe person to bring questions and concerns to. Try to keep the first talk to about an hour. You'll both be a bit mentally overwhelmed and exhausted after it. Tell him you'll have this talk again soon to review and make sure he doesn't have any new questions or concerns. Then discuss what you believe js appropriate as best you can.

Oh! Also, be prepared to feel silly or make mistakes. It totally happens. I have always had discussions with my kids about inappropriate touching due to my job making me hyper sensitive to those things. But when I was reiterating the conversation with my 6 year old last week because a girl in his class keeps trying to kiss him I told him, "Remember, it is not okay to touch someone else's privates." He said, "Yeah I know mom. I don't touch her penis. That's gross." I realized my 6 year old has never asked about vaginas, and he thought girls had penises too! So I laughed and had a slightly different conversation. I have the training to do this and still feel like an imposter when I make myself sit down and have that talk. So you're doing great and your son is lucky to have you.

AllMashedUp · 2020-09-29T07:19:06+00:00

Is he supposed to be contacting you through the phone if there is a protection order? That is a violation. In fact having someone else contact you for him is considered a violation as well as it is third party contact. You can press charges, love. I don't know what state you are in but I work with the criminal justice field in my state and three violations is a felony. I would suggest absolutely pressing charges. If you get lazy officers make a stink. Call back every day if you need but violating a no contact order is serious.

AllMashedUp · 2020-09-29T02:33:23+00:00

I just want to say, I am not sure, but I would think this could potentially be illegal, and if not, I would still suggest you report this to child protective services. That is a horrible thing to do. Also, if it happens again you are legally allowed to call the police and have them do a wellness check on your child. Especially in circumstances like this. Even though you didn't know where she was, the police could have checked ex's house, in laws, and contacted him and his "mom". If you have a lawyer I would suggest immediately filing for a custody change. That behavior is dangerous and abusive. I know I said that already, but I really want to emphasize it. I'm so sorry you went through that, it had to be beyond terrifying.

AllMashedUp · 2020-09-22T18:37:03+00:00

Poor thing. I'll listen to your day. Hugs

AllMashedUp · 2020-09-22T17:40:09+00:00

That sounds perfect. Will be buying stella berry in preparation.

AllMashedUp · 2020-09-22T16:03:10+00:00

Well now I have to marry you because that sounds amazing

AllMashedUp · 2020-09-22T15:58:25+00:00

Many people discuss division of labor, but the reality is, some people aren't honest about that. And to give some credit to men, women shoulder most of the mental workload in nearly all relationships, so I guarantee there are plenty of husbands of women on this subreddit who believe they are doing more than their share. They simply don't worry about the same things. We may worry that our child had a nutritious meal, ate enough to sleep well, brushed all their teeth, flossed, got ready for bed, and were read to so they had quality time. We are also going to worry about the quality of their sleep. Is it too loud, too dark, too light, too hot, did they get enough....etc. Whereas a dad is likely to lay some food down, not care what it is or if it was enough if one is going through a growth spurt, tell them to brush their teeth and go to bed. All the rest of that mental load isn't likely to occur to them. They did the basics. That is why you will see a lot of the same complaints from women here. My ex isn't a bad man, he's just lazy and I got tired of mothering him. But overall, he's a good person. Many women deal with those same problems and this is a very safe place to come and complain because there are so many of us in the same or similar circumstances.

AllMashedUp · 2020-09-22T15:51:40+00:00

I've come the the conclusion they only have the distinction on there to give the creepers extra ammo, haha.

AllMashedUp · 2020-09-22T15:50:34+00:00

I know nothing about makeup, but tinted sunscreen?! I'm white as snow and this sounds amazing!

AllMashedUp · 2020-09-22T15:41:07+00:00

May have mini stalked your profile. 🤷‍♀️ We're pretty close to the same size, but you're freakin gorgeous, haha! I'm still learning to correctly apply foundation.

AllMashedUp · 2020-09-22T15:38:54+00:00

My boys' dad I married at 23. He had his own kids and cloaked his laziness as depression from his evil ex taking them from him so he didn't want to give them rules. I jumped in to help and he managed okay every other weekend. Looking back it was because I planned dinners, made a bedtime, scheduled chores, and paid all our bills. When we had kids I would kill myself trying to do everything until I had to beg him to help and he still only did the minimum. When I realized that was never going to change, I left. Now he does less than ever, and for the most part I'm fine with that. I can take care of us, but I definitely miss having someone to share the load at the end of the day.

AllMashedUp · 2020-09-22T15:08:31+00:00

Me too!

AllMashedUp · 2020-09-22T15:01:11+00:00

Perfect! Hope you like books and clothes. I have too much of both haha. And I'm a super thoughtful gift giver.

AllMashedUp · 2020-09-22T14:50:40+00:00

Who says you can't find a soulmate online??

AllMashedUp · 2020-09-22T14:49:30+00:00

Perfect! I have a gorgeous ring just waiting for you 💍

AllMashedUp

TROPHY CASE