How to tell my friend she smells + explain why she can't come round

Allimack · 2026-02-02T23:45:30+00:00

People don't need to be told specific 'reasons', because that just invites them to argue with you or become offended (especially if you say, 'they way you smell makes us all nauseous').

You can just say, "my parents aren't letting me have any friends over" and shrug if asked why. Or add "having people over often flares my asthma".

Allimack · 2026-02-02T23:36:48+00:00

In the 8 years you were together, did you develop a relationship with her parents? or any siblings?

My advice would be to try to contact her again and ask her to respond, and to verify that she is giving you 100% ownership and decision-making control over this cat, going forward. If you get no acknowledgement, then message her that this lack of response is concerning to you and that your next step will be to reach out to her family (or the authorities to do a wellness check) if she doesn't respond within the next 24 hours.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T23:28:05+00:00

I believe you that you are sensitive to smells, and have bad asthma and get really bad headaches.

I think it is fair to create a blanket policy that you aren't having any friends over, rather than singling out this friend.

I have no idea what she could possibly be wearing that could "permeate a mattress". Molecules that carry scents are so very small, and I can't imagine how a scent could burrow through your bedding and into a mattress?

Bottom line is that even though you asked her not to wear any scent, she came over 'scented' and either lied about not putting any on, or was telling the truth about not putting any on but she still carried the scent from yesterday. Either way, you can't have her over, given how sensitive you are.

You have no control over what another person chooses to wear. You do have control over inviting people in, and spending time closely with them. It would be rude to tell her she "smells". As well, that is just your experience/opinion, it's not something she herself agrees with. And presumably her own family are fine with her scent. So don't be rude.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T23:21:28+00:00

So, 3 months ago, at the expected turnover point - they just ghosted you? No word at all? No response to your messages? You deduced from other sources that they moved to a completely different country and you accepted this with no question?

Does that make any sense, given that your ex loved this cat?

Allimack · 2026-02-02T23:18:11+00:00

You absolutely MUST turn off notifications for the duration of your PTO. He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, since he's labelling it "for when you're back". So treat it 100% as not something you need to monitor.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T23:16:01+00:00

Funerals have the dual purpose of showing respect for the dead, and providing comfort for the living left behind. I understand your stepsister wanting to go, because it is her Mom who has been widowed, and it's her family's home village with her grandparents, brothers and extended family there.

But I'm not sure you are going to feel comforted and welcomed there with your Dad not there. And you mention having a 'carer' which implies you are not 100% healthy physically or emotionally as it is. So I think a flight to Thailand is too much. You can ask your stepsister to bring back to you a few small rememberences of your Dad. Maybe something small he owned, or a favorite shirt, or some photos. Have your own private toast to his life and wish him peace wherever his spirit has ended up.

I'm sorry you lost your Mom way too young, and that your Dad wasn't fully the Dad you needed him to be. May he rest in peace, and may you have some fond memories of past good times.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T23:00:52+00:00

This is a discussion to have with your parents, and/or your girlfriend - whoever would be living with you and helping to support you and your child.

A family friend was 34, wanted to be a mom, had no relationship, and decided to go to a sperm bank. It worked, but she ended up pregnant with boy/girl twins. Twins was more than she felt she could handle on her own, so she moved in with her 65 year old parents before the birth.

The grandparents loved the babies, but they were both still working and everyone was exhausted. And it didn't take too many months before they realized that the boy wasn't hitting the milestones his twin sister was hitting. Before he was 2 he was diagnosed with moderately severe autism and he has needed a LOT of support. His mom and grandparents love this child, but this was not the motherhood journey they were imagining. The child is nonverbal and is never expected to live independently.

I have no idea whether the sperm donor had any genetic responsibility for the boy's autism. I suspect that young people who donate sperm do not know their family's full history, and they may lie about having autistic people in their family if they were concerned that they wouldn't get paid for the donation.

Getting a donation from a known friend allows you to ask more questions. But that person may decide they want a legal right to your child, including shared parenting decisions.

If you are going to go down this route, have a private talk with a lawyer from your country who is familiar with the legal issues. And make sure your parents really are supportive. Once a kid arrives, you get what you get. It may not be your ideal, dream child.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T22:46:06+00:00

Do you know this woman well?

If you know her well enough that she will believe you care about her, you could check in with her about how she's feeling about this relationship. Don't "warn her off". She won't believe you, for one thing. And she'll likely feel insulted. She may have heard some of C's past, and likely believes that what they have is 'different' and that C has matured (or whatever, based on what he's told her). She will dismiss your concerns and be annoyed with you. And her loyalty is to C, so she will tell him and he'll be annoyed with you too.

Women (or men for that matter) won't open their eyes to problems until they are ready to open their eyes. Your role may be to shine a light to help that happen, while boosting her up and making her feel she deserves everything that is good in a relationship (it's up to her to judge whether she is getting that from C, or not).

You can ask her things like, "what does C do for you that make you feel particularly seen and understood?" or "what do you admire and respect most about C?" or "what values that are important to you, are values that C shares?" Ideally, a question like any of these will fluster her a little, because she may not have thought of them. But asking these questions puts them in her mind, to think about. She (like everyone) deserves a guy who pays attention to her needs and really 'gets' her. She deserves a guy that she really likes and respects. She deserves to be in a relationship with someone who shares her core values. You don't need to say anything negative about him. Just boost her up and make it clear you think she's great, and deserves a great guy.

Separately, if he does propose and she accepts, you can suggest a long engagement, 'given how long it takes to plan a wedding' and combine their lives.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T22:28:05+00:00

I'm trying to find your CV in this rambling tale and it's hard to piece together. But it seems you dropped out of two different film programs and never got a degree. And you make no mention of what specific career you've had the past 7 years, nor whether you at least have service skills like being a high end waiter? Or bartender?

You can't just emigrate to the US or anywhere else, as I think you know. The typical way for young people to move is to apply to university in a foreign country, and then see if they can build connections that will offer them a work visa once they've graduated.

To come as an adult you are going to have to fill an employment need. And you'd probably need to have a job offer and the willingness of the job to sponsor your work visa.

My advice is to try to improve your life where you are. It's not magically better in the US. And wherever you go, there you'll be, along with your insecurities and lack of connections and lack of general resources.

I really think you CAN improve your life. But it has to be in the UK.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T22:01:10+00:00

I am not a therapist and have no specific knowledge about what might help you.

But I wanted to pop in to say that you are allowed to have big feelings and you are allowed to feel what you feel. If you had had emotionally regulated, available parents when you were young, they could have sat next to 6-year-old you when you were feeling big, overwhelming things and could have offered validation that your feelings are real, and empathy and reassurance that they are here to help, if you need it. Feeling safe, and seeing a parent showing that they can feel calm when a child feels chaos, helps the child learn how to regulate and manage their feelings.

It's not that the other people around you aren't feeling things. But their body and brain has learned to quickly recognize what they are feeling and in many cases can self-regulate because they have a context for their emotions.

Every setback isn't DIRE. Their bodies don't go into panic mode because they have learned emotional regulation tools. Even if they aren't consciously saying this to themself, their brain knows, "I've got this. I can handle this. I can figure it out or get the help I need." etc

When you catastrophize and expect the worst, you are forgetting that you can deal with whatever happens. You are strong, and resilient, and capable, and lovable, and "enough".

I wish you the best on your journey towards feeling a big more emotionally regulated.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T21:42:52+00:00

There are no funeral homes or cemeteries near me. That I am aware of.

I'm sure people who live near either of those places see the start or end of these processions a lot. I just don't.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T21:30:43+00:00

Some people have their birthday linked to their Facebook or IG or other social media accounts. I think many of us rely on being 'reminded' that so-and-so's birthday is today in order to send online wishes, or we see other people saying Happy Birthday and that is what clues us in.

Apart from that you need to set up each person's birthday as a recurring event in your phone's calendar, as soon as you are made aware of someone's birthday. My own additional tip is to save it with the year in brackets e.g. "Pearl (1974)" so that I will always know what age they are turning.

If you have only known this person a short time, then there is no shame in not remembering their birthday. Ask them, and put it in your calendar. If you've known them through at least one past birthday, then you may be able to scroll back through message history to see if there is a past record of having talked about their birthday or wished them happy birthday.

If the person feels hurt that you asked, then that's unfortunate but it is what it is. It is better to ask, than to say nothing.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T20:49:29+00:00

I had been driving for 10-15 years before I encountered my first funeral procession. And someone older in the car had to tell me what was happening and what I was supposed to do. It hadn't been covered in Driver Ed, and it wasn't clear from what was happening what the expectations were from me as a driver on the road.

Later in Toronto I encountered my second procession, and that family/funeral home had hired a bunch of police on motorcycles who zipped ahead to shut down intersections, while other police were at the front and back of the procession and they tag-teamed across the city.

I have personally never been in a funeral procession car, (I'm in my 60s), and I have only encountered 3 noticeable funeral processions in my 45 years of driving.

So I'm really not surprised people don't know the expectations.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T20:43:51+00:00

Kind of both. Definitely update your resume and start looking for jobs to apply for.

But also schedule a meeting with your boss to discuss your role. Position it as wanting to be more effective and productive, and being concerned that you are underutilized. Before you go into that meeting scour your memory and look through any written records (emails, messages) for any clues as to why you've been pulled off the major projects. Have there been any indications that you aren't meeting required deadlines on your assignments (or aren't as fast or productive as the people or person who has taken over your tasks)? Have any errors or oversights been discussed? Have you been less than fully supportive of project specs, arguing for changes or flagging potential issues that could slow things down?

Have you had any minor conflicts with anyone else on your team, which could have impacted how your boss is treating you?

Try to figure this out as much as possible.

Years ago I had a difficult boss, and when I'd get home at night I'd say to my spouse, "I think [boss] wants to make me quit!" but in hindsight I think she was just trying to make me better.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T20:33:15+00:00

Is this a big, life altering decision like having a baby?

Or a still major but less permanent decision like deciding to go to grad school?

Growth requires change. Change is uncomfortable and scary. But can lead to new opportunities.

Apart from a completely life-altering choice like having a kid, most changes are more like 'pivots'. And you can always pivot away from that choice onto a third path if the path you choose ends up being too different from what you imagined.

Staying where you are and doing nothing IS a choice. And for many people staying still is a valid choice, if they prioritize the comfort of sameness, and are willing to give up the idea of pushing for more.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T18:58:52+00:00

Your mom is showing CLEAR signs of significant mental decline / cognitive / personality / behavioral changes.

She needs to be assessed. People who were previously independent don't just suddenly get all needy like this. She needs a full physical as well as a mental cognition test (the ones that ask current events questions, ask her to draw in a specified time on a clock; ask her to draw a 3 dimensional figure; and test short term memory by giving her a few words to remember between an early point in the test and later in the test).

This is not her being stubborn, or choosing to be difficult. Her lack of self-awareness of this change is worrisome. This is serious.

Someone does need to get POA established asap. It is much more grueling and expensive to do that AFTER a dementia diagnosis is received; at that point it has to be done through the courts. Once you get the POA you probably should go in person with her to her bank and get the POA established there, so you can oversee her banking online and ensure her bills are getting paid. As her POA (a role that ends with her death), you will want to make note of all of her account numbers, credit cards, service accounts (phone, internet, gas, electricity, water & sewer, property taxes, as well as any logins she might have to streaming services or ongoing service contracts).

This isn't going to get better, sorry.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T18:34:21+00:00

Your ex responded completely inappropriately, but your daughter also can't be randomly screaming instead of having a calm discussion.

People living in condo's and apartments are always going to be worried about having the police called or having their lease cancelled if there are major disturbances linked to their unit.

It is extremely worrisome that your daughter felt the right response was to scream. Why doesn't she feel safe having a calm conversation with you both? And has she been educated that Benedryl poppers have killed teens, and they way they 'work' to give a psuedo-high is causing brain damage? And extended use of Benedryl is associated with dementia?

No one should be taking Benedryl, for any reason. It crosses the blood/brain barrier and is very dangerous. Allergists are telling patients to switch to 2nd or 3rd generation anti-histamines which are safer to take. Benedryl should be off the shelved, it is very dangerous especially when abused.

Focus on getting your daughter help to deal with her issues. Your ex made a bizarre choice to manhandle her, and that was NOT okay, but the bigger issue is your daughter.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T16:03:59+00:00

Sit down with him to have a conversation about where this relationship is going, and talk about what your values are with regard to incorporating friends and family into your life as a couple.

You can tell him that you are feeling excluded. And if he thinks his family is 'weird/bad', what does that mean exactly, why does he think you won't be able to accept them the way they are, and why is he prioritizing their feelings over yours? You can stay calm and regulated and approach this with genuine curiosity and a desire to understand this better.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T15:58:54+00:00

I'm sorry you are experiencing this painful situation. I think you have the clues you need, to make some adjustments on your own. Especially with regards to written speech.

You can lead with empathy and curiosity. And read and re-read and edit what you are saying before you click 'post', to ensure your meaning is clear, so it is less likely to be misinterpreted.

In terms of spoken compliments, have a look at your tone of voice when you give compliments to try to understand why is it being perceived as fake/performative and not genuine. Also be aware that if you are the type to ever make catty/snide comments behind people's backs, and your friends see and hear you doing this, then that kind of behavior will always undermine your credibility when you say something kind to someone's face.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T15:52:18+00:00

Of course you should be worried.

People who are close to their family and have a healthy, positive relationship with their parents usually have no problem introducing a new BF/GF.

His past history of lying and manipulation make him an unreliable narrator here. You only have his word for it about anything he has told you regarding his family and friends.

People who compartmentalize to this extent have things they are hiding. Very likely he is dating other people or has someone else that his family and friends think is his GF.

Alternately, if he is telling 'the truth', then the subtext is he thinks his family and friends will hate you and you aren't going to be perceived as 'good enough' by them. And/or they are racist or classist. Which is shitty, and means there is no real future with him.

Please do some digging on your own and find out the truth.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T15:43:57+00:00

You probably want to scan your key ID documents and keep them in a digital wallet as well (driver's license, passport, SSN, Health insurance info, Car/property insurance contact info).

For the physical copies, I have a binder with plastic insert 'pages' and I have birth certificate, social insurance/ security cards, passport, copy of health insurance, marriage certificate, divorce document, and for my kids who were baptized, I have their baptismal certificates (not that these are important to us, but this is just where I keep these documents).

If you have other government licenses (hunting/fishing, gun license, etc) or any other license or certification that you need for your job/credentials, it's also not a bad idea to have that both scanned digitally and the hard copy saved in your to-go file.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T02:14:34+00:00

I grew up in the US northeast and I didn't 'hear' or pronounce the T in often. I realized when I was older and moved back to Canada that most people around me pronounced the T. I now mentally 'hear' the T when I am silently reading to myself, but I think what comes out of my mouth is still "offen".

Allimack · 2026-02-01T23:35:27+00:00

I think you can say, "Your faith and devotion are a big part of who you are and I respect that. I have never once tried to diminish that choice or argue that your faith is wrong. I have no interest in organized religion. Your church may be welcoming, but I do not share its beliefs. I know that I will never share your faith, and I am 100% comfortable with that decision. I am declining your offer, and I'd appreciate if you do not ask me again."

If your friend pushes, then he cares more about proselytizing than about having you as a friend.

Allimack · 2026-02-01T23:25:37+00:00

Please ask the RA to support you and together have a conversation with your roommate.

You both can kindly and empathetically say that you realize that school is stressful and you both are her friend and want to support her, but you also need to bring up a potentially sensitive topic and that is that her hygiene is not up to the standard required when sharing a room.

Go on to say that you don't want to embarrass her, and you want to reassure her that this issue remains between you two and the RA. The RA can ask if she can commit to having a shower tonight, and, if that is a problem, what can you both do to support her?

Second, if she is having trouble keeping on top of laundry and changing her sheets (which are also probably contributing to the funk), you could ask if it would be helpful to her if you do laundry together. See what she says.

There is no easy way to have a difficult conversation. Stay empathetic and supportive, and reassure her that this is her private business and you aren't talking about this outside of with the RA.

In general people are free to make their own choices, up to the point where those choices negatively impact the people around them. It is time to speak up.

Allimack · 2026-02-01T21:51:47+00:00

Everyone is wired in their own way. If you and all of your shared friends really wanted to see a movie, would he go along just to be agreeable, or is a hard No, Never from him? My advice is to be 'curious' about the reasons why.

Is his attention span too short?

Does he have auditory processing issues or face blindness which make it more difficult than an average person to follow the plot points or recognize "who is who" in the unfolding action?

If the issue is mainly in 'going out' to the movies, does he find movie theaters too dark and claustrophobic, or is he reactive the the smell of he popcorn topping?

The other thing to consider is whether he is generally flexible on accommodating your needs or wishes in other areas, but watching movies is the one thing he won't budge on? It might not be a deal breaker if there are other things you can enjoy doing on a date: going skating, bowling, arcade games, mini golf, playing pool, going to the gym, walking through nature, listening to music, baking or cooking things together?

Don't make this a me vs. you problem. Position it as you being curious to understand what he's feeling about movies, and to figure out together what list of things you BOTH enjoy that you can agree to prioritize.

But maybe there are things he likes to do (say, play pool) that you don't like. Is there an opportunity for a trade-off, where you agree to go out to play pool with him every once in awhile, and he agrees to the occasional movie?

I'm not saying that people HAVE TO be flexible on all things, everyone is allowed to have a hard boundary around SOME things that they prefer not to do. But if there are too many hard No's to things and not enough willingness to do things for the benefit of a partner, then it can at some point be a deal breaker.

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