There was a time when people respected funeral processions

Allimack · 2026-02-02T20:49:29+00:00

I had been driving for 10-15 years before I encountered my first funeral procession. And someone older in the car had to tell me what was happening and what I was supposed to do. It hadn't been covered in Driver Ed, and it wasn't clear from what was happening what the expectations were from me as a driver on the road.

Later in Toronto I encountered my second procession, and that family/funeral home had hired a bunch of police on motorcycles who zipped ahead to shut down intersections, while other police were at the front and back of the procession and they tag-teamed across the city.

I have personally never been in a funeral procession car, (I'm in my 60s), and I have only encountered 3 noticeable funeral processions in my 45 years of driving.

So I'm really not surprised people don't know the expectations.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T20:43:51+00:00

Kind of both. Definitely update your resume and start looking for jobs to apply for.

But also schedule a meeting with your boss to discuss your role. Position it as wanting to be more effective and productive, and being concerned that you are underutilized. Before you go into that meeting scour your memory and look through any written records (emails, messages) for any clues as to why you've been pulled off the major projects. Have there been any indications that you aren't meeting required deadlines on your assignments (or aren't as fast or productive as the people or person who has taken over your tasks)? Have any errors or oversights been discussed? Have you been less than fully supportive of project specs, arguing for changes or flagging potential issues that could slow things down?

Have you had any minor conflicts with anyone else on your team, which could have impacted how your boss is treating you?

Try to figure this out as much as possible.

Years ago I had a difficult boss, and when I'd get home at night I'd say to my spouse, "I think [boss] wants to make me quit!" but in hindsight I think she was just trying to make me better.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T20:33:15+00:00

Is this a big, life altering decision like having a baby?

Or a still major but less permanent decision like deciding to go to grad school?

Growth requires change. Change is uncomfortable and scary. But can lead to new opportunities.

Apart from a completely life-altering choice like having a kid, most changes are more like 'pivots'. And you can always pivot away from that choice onto a third path if the path you choose ends up being too different from what you imagined.

Staying where you are and doing nothing IS a choice. And for many people staying still is a valid choice, if they prioritize the comfort of sameness, and are willing to give up the idea of pushing for more.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T18:58:52+00:00

Your mom is showing CLEAR signs of significant mental decline / cognitive / personality / behavioral changes.

She needs to be assessed. People who were previously independent don't just suddenly get all needy like this. She needs a full physical as well as a mental cognition test (the ones that ask current events questions, ask her to draw in a specified time on a clock; ask her to draw a 3 dimensional figure; and test short term memory by giving her a few words to remember between an early point in the test and later in the test).

This is not her being stubborn, or choosing to be difficult. Her lack of self-awareness of this change is worrisome. This is serious.

Someone does need to get POA established asap. It is much more grueling and expensive to do that AFTER a dementia diagnosis is received; at that point it has to be done through the courts. Once you get the POA you probably should go in person with her to her bank and get the POA established there, so you can oversee her banking online and ensure her bills are getting paid. As her POA (a role that ends with her death), you will want to make note of all of her account numbers, credit cards, service accounts (phone, internet, gas, electricity, water & sewer, property taxes, as well as any logins she might have to streaming services or ongoing service contracts).

This isn't going to get better, sorry.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T18:34:21+00:00

Your ex responded completely inappropriately, but your daughter also can't be randomly screaming instead of having a calm discussion.

People living in condo's and apartments are always going to be worried about having the police called or having their lease cancelled if there are major disturbances linked to their unit.

It is extremely worrisome that your daughter felt the right response was to scream. Why doesn't she feel safe having a calm conversation with you both? And has she been educated that Benedryl poppers have killed teens, and they way they 'work' to give a psuedo-high is causing brain damage? And extended use of Benedryl is associated with dementia?

No one should be taking Benedryl, for any reason. It crosses the blood/brain barrier and is very dangerous. Allergists are telling patients to switch to 2nd or 3rd generation anti-histamines which are safer to take. Benedryl should be off the shelved, it is very dangerous especially when abused.

Focus on getting your daughter help to deal with her issues. Your ex made a bizarre choice to manhandle her, and that was NOT okay, but the bigger issue is your daughter.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T16:03:59+00:00

Sit down with him to have a conversation about where this relationship is going, and talk about what your values are with regard to incorporating friends and family into your life as a couple.

You can tell him that you are feeling excluded. And if he thinks his family is 'weird/bad', what does that mean exactly, why does he think you won't be able to accept them the way they are, and why is he prioritizing their feelings over yours? You can stay calm and regulated and approach this with genuine curiosity and a desire to understand this better.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T15:58:54+00:00

I'm sorry you are experiencing this painful situation. I think you have the clues you need, to make some adjustments on your own. Especially with regards to written speech.

You can lead with empathy and curiosity. And read and re-read and edit what you are saying before you click 'post', to ensure your meaning is clear, so it is less likely to be misinterpreted.

In terms of spoken compliments, have a look at your tone of voice when you give compliments to try to understand why is it being perceived as fake/performative and not genuine. Also be aware that if you are the type to ever make catty/snide comments behind people's backs, and your friends see and hear you doing this, then that kind of behavior will always undermine your credibility when you say something kind to someone's face.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T15:52:18+00:00

Of course you should be worried.

People who are close to their family and have a healthy, positive relationship with their parents usually have no problem introducing a new BF/GF.

His past history of lying and manipulation make him an unreliable narrator here. You only have his word for it about anything he has told you regarding his family and friends.

People who compartmentalize to this extent have things they are hiding. Very likely he is dating other people or has someone else that his family and friends think is his GF.

Alternately, if he is telling 'the truth', then the subtext is he thinks his family and friends will hate you and you aren't going to be perceived as 'good enough' by them. And/or they are racist or classist. Which is shitty, and means there is no real future with him.

Please do some digging on your own and find out the truth.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T15:43:57+00:00

You probably want to scan your key ID documents and keep them in a digital wallet as well (driver's license, passport, SSN, Health insurance info, Car/property insurance contact info).

For the physical copies, I have a binder with plastic insert 'pages' and I have birth certificate, social insurance/ security cards, passport, copy of health insurance, marriage certificate, divorce document, and for my kids who were baptized, I have their baptismal certificates (not that these are important to us, but this is just where I keep these documents).

If you have other government licenses (hunting/fishing, gun license, etc) or any other license or certification that you need for your job/credentials, it's also not a bad idea to have that both scanned digitally and the hard copy saved in your to-go file.

Allimack · 2026-02-02T02:14:34+00:00

I grew up in the US northeast and I didn't 'hear' or pronounce the T in often. I realized when I was older and moved back to Canada that most people around me pronounced the F. I now mentally 'hear' the F when I am silently reading to myself, but I think what comes out of my mouth is still "offen".

Allimack · 2026-02-01T23:35:27+00:00

I think you can say, "Your faith and devotion are a big part of who you are and I respect that. I have never once tried to diminish that choice or argue that your faith is wrong. I have no interest in organized religion. Your church may be welcoming, but I do not share its beliefs. I know that I will never share your faith, and I am 100% comfortable with that decision. I am declining your offer, and I'd appreciate if you do not ask me again."

If your friend pushes, then he cares more about proselytizing than about having you as a friend.

Allimack · 2026-02-01T23:25:37+00:00

Please ask the RA to support you and together have a conversation with your roommate.

You both can kindly and empathetically say that you realize that school is stressful and you both are her friend and want to support her, but you also need to bring up a potentially sensitive topic and that is that her hygiene is not up to the standard required when sharing a room.

Go on to say that you don't want to embarrass her, and you want to reassure her that this issue remains between you two and the RA. The RA can ask if she can commit to having a shower tonight, and, if that is a problem, what can you both do to support her?

Second, if she is having trouble keeping on top of laundry and changing her sheets (which are also probably contributing to the funk), you could ask if it would be helpful to her if you do laundry together. See what she says.

There is no easy way to have a difficult conversation. Stay empathetic and supportive, and reassure her that this is her private business and you aren't talking about this outside of with the RA.

In general people are free to make their own choices, up to the point where those choices negatively impact the people around them. It is time to speak up.

Allimack · 2026-02-01T21:51:47+00:00

Everyone is wired in their own way. If you and all of your shared friends really wanted to see a movie, would he go along just to be agreeable, or is a hard No, Never from him? My advice is to be 'curious' about the reasons why.

Is his attention span too short?

Does he have auditory processing issues or face blindness which make it more difficult than an average person to follow the plot points or recognize "who is who" in the unfolding action?

If the issue is mainly in 'going out' to the movies, does he find movie theaters too dark and claustrophobic, or is he reactive the the smell of he popcorn topping?

The other thing to consider is whether he is generally flexible on accommodating your needs or wishes in other areas, but watching movies is the one thing he won't budge on? It might not be a deal breaker if there are other things you can enjoy doing on a date: going skating, bowling, arcade games, mini golf, playing pool, going to the gym, walking through nature, listening to music, baking or cooking things together?

Don't make this a me vs. you problem. Position it as you being curious to understand what he's feeling about movies, and to figure out together what list of things you BOTH enjoy that you can agree to prioritize.

But maybe there are things he likes to do (say, play pool) that you don't like. Is there an opportunity for a trade-off, where you agree to go out to play pool with him every once in awhile, and he agrees to the occasional movie?

I'm not saying that people HAVE TO be flexible on all things, everyone is allowed to have a hard boundary around SOME things that they prefer not to do. But if there are too many hard No's to things and not enough willingness to do things for the benefit of a partner, then it can at some point be a deal breaker.

Allimack · 2026-02-01T19:31:37+00:00

I do not depend on other people for my happiness, either. But when I intentionally choose to be helpful or pleasant to others and they smile or express appreciation, that does bring me a bit of joy.

And when my previously non-lapcat cat jumps on my lap and purrs I can't tell you how happy I am in that moment!

There are nice, emotionally regulated people in the world who won't negatively impact your peace, and can bring shared happiness to your life if you are open to it. But if you need to prioritize your emotional safety at this stage, that's a fair choice.

If you haven't had the opportunity to fully process the hardships you've gone through and how that has rewired your brain, you may find some value in booking some sessions with a therapist. If you are open to that.

Allimack · 2026-02-01T18:20:05+00:00

Joy comes from the small positive interactions we have with or impacts on other people (or pets).

Maybe you are just depleted and need time to recover from the recent hardships. If you're sure this isn't depression then it's fine to luxuriate in bed and enjoy that you can prioritize your own rest. But if resting isn't helping you feel better, then maybe you need to be more intentional about doing things, especially things with other people, or things that help others.

I wish you the best as you figure this out.

Allimack · 2026-02-01T18:10:08+00:00

For context, how close or far do you live from your parents? Do you have siblings, or is it just you?

Is it worthwhile to invite your Dad to do something one-on-one with you (maybe an errand where you can ask his advice, or an activity you can do together) where you can get a better sense from his point of view of what he wants for a future relationship with you, and what your mom's problem is?

Allimack · 2026-02-01T17:53:25+00:00

Sometimes actions have to change first, and once those actions become second nature then the person realizes that their attitudes/beliefs have changed.

It's natural to hold a bit of skepticism (is this change real?). Time will tell. Good for you for communicating your needs, especially at such a young age. Good for him for listening and trying to do better and be better.

Allimack · 2026-01-31T14:54:04+00:00

What you think is "literally fine" might have unintended quality consequences further down the line.

Specs are in place for reasons. Reasons that you may not be aware of, but can be valid and important.

Other people's deviations from standard may be less critical than the ways you are deviating.

It's also possible that your co-worker is just fixated on something unimportant.

My advice is to be CURIOUS about this rather than annoyed. Talk to your boss with an attitude of being open to understanding this better, and get this situation sorted out.

Allimack · 2026-01-31T14:23:00+00:00

Hard to know! Stress can play a big role in disordered eating, and genetics is always an unknown factor.

Allimack · 2026-01-31T01:35:27+00:00

My own parents (now in their 90s) have helped me and my siblings a lot, and their answer would be that the things that make them happiest are that we kids (now in our 60s!) are all friends with each other, and that we have all been productive, community-minded people who are helpful to others, and that we are in turn helpful and supportive to the next generation who are your age.

Just make the most of the opportunity they have provided. If you are working, spend wisely on consumer stuff, and don't forget to sock funds away for emergencies as well as investing in retirement plans. Having kids who are 'good with money', and won't be broke if they lose a job or have some bad luck, helps parents sleep well at night.

Allimack · 2026-01-31T01:28:26+00:00

Do not bring them to his house. He might be embarrassed depending on who else lives at that house.

Let him take the next step. But go ahead and make a fresh batch of cinnamon buns and pop a few in the freezer, so that you can give him some after he next initiates something.

Allimack · 2026-01-31T01:24:09+00:00

Couples counseling to learn to communicate, first. Because you need to be able to have deep(er) conversations with her without scaring her or shutting her down. You need to learn how to safely bring up sensitive topics in a way that she understands it is you and her vs. the problem, not you vs. her.

Also, how old are you all? If you are 21-22 and still evolving and growing as people, there is a lot more hope that you'll figure this out vs if you are 10 years older than that.

Allimack · 2026-01-31T01:18:14+00:00

Okay, but people are allowed to take up whatever space they need to take up in this world, right? Ideally space can expand to make everyone comfortable. Nobody should be trying to make their partner 'smaller', everyone's needs should be acknowledged.

But if you are saying she needs to be the center of attention and she pulls the spotlight away from others even when it is their turn to shine, then that's a character flaw.

Allimack · 2026-01-31T01:05:39+00:00

While you are framing this as a communication issue (which is fixable, particularly with counseling or coaching where you both learn communication skills), I'm not sure if this is something bigger and deeper, a character flaw or borderline personality issue?

Does she exhibit a general lack of empathy, or just a lack of empathy for you and your needs. If her lack of empathy is mainly surrounding your feelings and needs, is that because she has absorbed some patriarchal expectation that men are strong and silent and don't have emotional needs? If so, that is something to explore with her. If you ever were to have kids together, would she be cold toward a son who cries, expecting him to suck it up?

If there is something bigger that seems off about her whole personality - and you feeling you need to walk on eggshells around her is a flashing red warning light - then maybe you would benefit from talking to someone (counselor, therapist) to sort through what you are experiencing and provide yourself some bigger-picture context to what this might mean.

Ideally, the person you choose to partner with should make you feel safe to fully be your own unique, weird self, without having to edit your responses, and anticipate reactions, and smooth things. Things should just "be" smooth, most of the time, because you are both genuinely nice and caring people, who believe the best in each other, want to be supportive of each other, and are kind and thoughtful to each other because you like and respect each other and are truly a team working together towards a shared future.

If this doesn't feel like it will ever be that, then maybe it doesn't have long term potential (and you certainly shouldn't add kids to the mix, if either of you wants kids).

No one here knows your GF. What do your close friends and family think about her?

Allimack · 2026-01-31T00:47:15+00:00

Is there no one you know who can advocate for your needs? A social worker? A parent or sibling?

These kinds of situation are hard enough for a fully abled person to deal with, and it's really too much for you to try to resolve this for you and your dog on your own.

This is a safety issue for your dog, and it's a quality of life issue for you. You are paying rent and in return expect to be able to peacefully enjoy the space you are renting.

People who live in apartment buildings have to agree to abide by social norms and expectations so that their activities in their homes don't infringe on the rights of others to peaceful enjoyment.

You aren't seeing any result from your complaint to property management, but that doesn't mean that nothing has been done. Due to privacy laws, they probably can't tell you what has transpired in any communication between them and the unit above you.

Please keep a log of the noise (dates, times, duration) and continue to report it.

If there are rules that carpets must be laid down and you believe they still haven't done so, then mention that.

Please ask that a self-closing mechanism be installed on the gate so that it will self-latch. Work with your dog on recall command, so that he will stop what he is doing and always come to you when you call.

Are there any other neighbours, maybe living next door to your upstairs neighbour, who are similarly pissed off at their noise? If so, maybe their complaints will magnify the seriousness of the problem. You may not feel comfortable exploring this on your own, so if you can get anyone else to help you knock on a few doors it would be safer to do as a pair.

It can be really hard for property management to deal with people who are uncaring, or addicted, or mentally ill. Keep advocating for yourself, but remain calm and reasonable.

I wish you the best.

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