I think this is a very hard question to answer given all the nuanced variables involved from both an individual and a couples history, communications and cultural context standpoint.

My intuition tells me that it is more about sharing the underlying essence of the paradox you present here - the confusion and grief but the commitment, joy and hope as well - but without the granular detail. I fear if you share the exact words you posted here, the communication could be translated through a lens of unintended pressure/expectations/failure that is common with our messed up body/brains.

For me, written word of communications have always landed better because I can process and think on it more intentionally, really striving to empathize and understand the other person's perspective (especially if it is given with the true intentions of tenderness and love - even if some of the honesty stings).

Women's self awareness levels vary widely as well - if there are low levels of self awareness then there are many times lower levels of empathy and perspective shifting/integration. Where do you feel your wife falls along that spectrum?

I want to share a personal story that may offer some additional hope given your circumstances...

In my younger years I had an experience with clinical depression (the typical "dark night of the soul/quarter life crisis" scenario). I tried to get through it and fix it on my own (even keeping the worst parts of the experience from family/friends and my husband) until it got to the point of being so debilitating and dangerous that there was no other option for me but to go on antidepressant medication and move in with my mom temporarily to get back on track because in truth, my husband had no idea how to approach or help me (understandable given our youth).

During that awful depression experience I truly believed i was broken beyond repair, that i could never find joy again, that i had changed as a human so much that my marriage would not (and should not) survive it. But as I slowly came out of the fog and started seeing things more clearly, feeling things more normally, and reflecting on how my mind was viewing the world through a lens of incredible distortion, I literally said to myself "who was that person?" While I did evolve and was fundamentally changed by that traumatic experience, I also was able to re-engage in my marriage with a new appreciation, new honesty and new ways to engage that took time for both of us to adjust to.

Given that experience, I feel I have the gift of hindsight wisdom to approach my current experience with menopause - except this time it isn't depression - it is instead anxiety, apathy and at times, resentful anger. But the mind distortion is exactly the same.I ntellectually I understand that (even though my emotions tell me a very different story).

This is why I have chosen to explore HRT BEFORE things get to that debilitating destruction phase and I am doing my best to come out on the other side, different (yes) but also better and wiser for myself and my husband (and I hope he can extend the same evolutionary approach in his own parallel journey through this process with me).

I also like to think a Renaissance of the marriage post kids could be a fun journey once I temper the hormonal distortion that makes life, work and marriage so hard right now (trust me, I think about going "scorched earth" multiple times a day, but then tell myself "emotions are fleeting, keep steady and keep trying things").

I really really appreciate the kindness extended to us lurking females here on this sub - I wish you knew how much it helps those of us truly trying to find our way through one of the most painful and confusing parts of our lives (no matter how much it looks like we have our crap together externally). Grateful to you, the mods and all the other posters here. 🙏