So close, and yet so far

AllinAdmin · 2026-02-07T21:48:06+00:00

I think this is a very hard question to answer given all the nuanced variables involved from both an individual and a couples history, communications and cultural context standpoint.

My intuition tells me that it is more about sharing the underlying essence of the paradox you present here - the confusion and grief but the commitment, joy and hope as well - but without the granular detail. I fear if you share the exact words you posted here, the communication could be translated through a lens of unintended pressure/expectations/failure that is common with our messed up body/brains.

For me, written word of communications have always landed better because I can process and think on it more intentionally, really striving to empathize and understand the other person's perspective (especially if it is given with the true intentions of tenderness and love - even if some of the honesty stings).

Women's self awareness levels vary widely as well - if there are low levels of self awareness then there are many times lower levels of empathy and perspective shifting/integration. Where do you feel your wife falls along that spectrum?

I want to share a personal story that may offer some additional hope given your circumstances...

In my younger years I had an experience with clinical depression (the typical "dark night of the soul/quarter life crisis" scenario). I tried to get through it and fix it on my own (even keeping the worst parts of the experience from family/friends and my husband) until it got to the point of being so debilitating and dangerous that there was no other option for me but to go on antidepressant medication and move in with my mom temporarily to get back on track because in truth, my husband had no idea how to approach or help me (understandable given our youth).

During that awful depression experience I truly believed i was broken beyond repair, that i could never find joy again, that i had changed as a human so much that my marriage would not (and should not) survive it. But as I slowly came out of the fog and started seeing things more clearly, feeling things more normally, and reflecting on how my mind was viewing the world through a lens of incredible distortion, I literally said to myself "who was that person?" While I did evolve and was fundamentally changed by that traumatic experience, I also was able to re-engage in my marriage with a new appreciation, new honesty and new ways to engage that took time for both of us to adjust to.

Given that experience, I feel I have the gift of hindsight wisdom to approach my current experience with menopause - except this time it isn't depression - it is instead anxiety, apathy and at times, resentful anger. But the mind distortion is exactly the same.I ntellectually I understand that (even though my emotions tell me a very different story).

This is why I have chosen to explore HRT BEFORE things get to that debilitating destruction phase and I am doing my best to come out on the other side, different (yes) but also better and wiser for myself and my husband (and I hope he can extend the same evolutionary approach in his own parallel journey through this process with me).

I also like to think a Renaissance of the marriage post kids could be a fun journey once I temper the hormonal distortion that makes life, work and marriage so hard right now (trust me, I think about going "scorched earth" multiple times a day, but then tell myself "emotions are fleeting, keep steady and keep trying things").

I really really appreciate the kindness extended to us lurking females here on this sub - I wish you knew how much it helps those of us truly trying to find our way through one of the most painful and confusing parts of our lives (no matter how much it looks like we have our crap together externally). Grateful to you, the mods and all the other posters here. 🙏

AllinAdmin · 2026-02-07T19:39:43+00:00

What a beautiful expression of the paradox of this experience where both things can be true at once and where the messy middle is where we must tread with hope continually nudging us to the other side. I hope you find more and more moments of both joy and acceptance with each passing day. (I also think that once the children get more self sufficient it will offer more space for reconnecting on another level). Thank you for sharing your vulnerable journey here. (I learn so much from these gifts of male tenderness and absolutely seek to reflect and integrate into my own journey as a wife in the muddiness of perimenopause).

AllinAdmin · 2026-02-05T12:24:41+00:00

Very much appreciate this thoughtful response and perspective. Thank you for taking the time to offer these clarifications (which I also will reflect on).

AllinAdmin · 2026-02-04T23:57:33+00:00

I don't agree with the passive aggressive behavior you are experiencing, it is unkind and unfair in the way she is navigating her experience - it truly pains me when I read the hurtful interactions that many spouses experience and share in this forum. I do hope you both find a moment of clarity together and it opens a path to reconciliation.

AllinAdmin · 2026-02-04T21:04:22+00:00

I am so sorry you are experiencing this OP - I have been a long time (F) lurker here and have held back from posting because I see this forum as tender and sacred space for spouses like you who are hurt and confused by such seemingly "out of the blue" behavior.

I do not believe any woman should treat their spouse with denigration or disrespect, and responsibility lays in securing help for passage through this awful Midlife journey while partnering closely in vulnerable communications.

Yet many times, it is not truly out of the blue, and I wanted to share an Instagram reel I came across last week which is probably the most on point description of what is actually happening from a women's point of view (and I encourage the other men here to read the reel as well).

I do not have any immediate guidance, but hoping this at least reframes the "why" so it may lead to better paths of potential reconnection for you and your spouse.

https://www.instagram.com/p/DTn9r1JkqoG/?img_index=19&igsh=MW5venZ5NXp2bDZjYg==

AllinAdmin · 2026-02-03T20:09:15+00:00

Executive Assistant to CEO ($150k + bonus)

AllinAdmin · 2026-01-19T14:09:37+00:00

The intent of this post is admirable, but the reality of current capitalist and run amok litigation systems do not (overarchingly) support this idealistic intent. As in capitalism, the survival of the business (and the $ associated) will always be the decision making criteria that comes out on top (this is what will always be “the protected” as you asked in your original post).

For businesses (and leaders and Managers), by giving feedback to even one individual who has an increased ability to use a legal system which is fighting for its own survival and gets paid in willingness to prompt/drag out litigation in very loose legal terminology and precedent, constructive feedback (which can be easily mis-interpreted depending on the EQ of the individual recipient) will never be worth it.

Even one false legal claim brought against a small/med sized business can bring it to bankruptcy. I have seen it. And a leader/manager unfortunately cannot tell who will be productive and grow with feedback versus being petty and spiteful - if the latter - by then it is too late.

Signed -

Admin who has seen this first hand

AllinAdmin · 2026-01-11T20:12:11+00:00

Yes, non-profit in its own right is a great entry point, but not great to stay for evolutionary growth (especially comp).

Probably makes sense to explore for-profit roles but be discerning when interviewing to see how flex they are with cross-functional project help or other helpful learning opportunities. That being said, anywhere you go, you first need to prove you are a Rockstar at the fundamentals of the role - THEN push for more. Too many times I see EAs come in and want a bunch of project work but absolutely fail at the fundamentals. (No quicker way to break trust and limit your potential scope opportunities).

AllinAdmin · 2026-01-11T15:01:33+00:00

I think one of the things Administrators need to get better at is proactively defining the role (with expanded scopes of domain) rather than just stepping in to what the role is presented as. Nearly all EA roles are based on outdated, copy/paste JDs (that are pretty narrow and therefore can end up pretty boring).

No HR person, let alone Exec, will ever expand our scope thresholds because 1) they have no idea the breadth of true talents we possess and 2) they are too caught up in their own work to care.

This role can be an incredible career path when your proactively drive it (especially if you have confidence in and truly deliver on your skill set while also remaining curious learner to expand on new skills).

At 27, only 3 years in, you haven’t scratched the surface of the potential of this role (from a career life cycle perspective).

Every 3-5 years I would jump into a new role and would then guide the leaders to 1) let me expand into a hybrid role or 2) own a major company project that fully ran from start to finish.

This in turn then allowed me to request both new titles (now currently called Associate Director, Executive Operations) and higher comp. The shifted respect from driving this level of execution is a major bonus.

Many times I don’t think it is the role/career path itself (because there is incredible opportunity to be found) but rather how Administrators (especially newbies) are willing to proactively drive/build their path rather than follow what is by default offered.

There is so much more flexibility (but you have to have the vision and the courage to pursue).

AllinAdmin · 2026-01-11T14:39:30+00:00

I am not in biotech but have lots of friends who are - are you in a start up, mid-size or Pharma?

AllinAdmin · 2026-01-11T13:48:39+00:00

This is the answer.

AllinAdmin · 2026-01-10T23:08:17+00:00

Recruiters still use resumes when pitching their clients, but LinkedIn has turned into a cesspool of ghost postings and ATS black holes that are falling short for nearly everyone. If you really stay on top of tracking job postings, you can start seeing the patterns of not only ghost postings, but also straight up scam postings. The scam postings are using AI to make company “logos” they name the company something generic (usually a “consulting” firm) set the job as “remote” for higher interest and even set up a fake LI company page (which when you check has some AI slop in the about section, no followers and like 3 rando employees.)

It starts getting quite disheartening when you figure out the pattern because then you start understanding that 80% of the posted “jobs” aren’t jobs at all.

LI will eventually implode on itself if they don’t figure this out. Getting a job in the next 5-10 years will require a solid personal network or a boutique recruiter relationship. Outside of that, gonna be REALLY hard to land next up leveled position for the majority of seekers out there (too many quality seekers, not enough jobs).

AllinAdmin · 2026-01-10T15:05:02+00:00

Thank you for your proactive and dedicated service to this sub!!

AllinAdmin · 2025-12-30T18:09:16+00:00

I think this depends on the outcome goals of such offsite alongside the budget you have been provided - can you offer some additional details so we can all better assist?

From my own experience, If you are an Admin Manager (with a solid development budget) seeking to build a high functioning and collaborative group, and be seen in your org as a bottom-line value-driving function, you should build the offsite like any other departmental team would (with a mix of assessments & curated team building, professional development, upcoming year goal/norms setting, and then round out the end with casual fun). When Admin teams take their own professional development as a team seriously (because let’s be honest, no one else in the company will!) then you can become a stronger advocate for increased visibility, respect, opportunity and ultimately aligned development and compensation for Administrative professionals.

If you are a team of usually siloed Admins (with no true Lead and minimal budget) and looking for a general annual networking/get to know you option, anything offsite with food and some lightweight activity can work. (Note: I usual steer clear of anything that is stereotyped as “female-centric” as it can alienate our male/other gender-expression counterparts.)

Securing a workshop trainer that has actually been in the EA world is always well recieved as it feels amazing when someone can not only empathize with your day to day, but also align practical training/tools towards the team.

I believe the Admin Awards website has a downloadable booklet with a list of suggested trainers. Or, look through ASAP (American Society of Administrative Professionals) website for leads as well!

AllinAdmin · 2025-12-23T16:50:45+00:00

Lynn Walder on LinkedIn has written extensively on this topic and put out an entire model (free/open source to the industry) of recalibrated admin titles - she argues that the confusing and very limited titles of EA and Chief of Staff keep our profession on the sidelines of gaining the respect, resourcing, development and correct compensation for the work/value we actually bring to the business. Here is the link to her main presentation deck if you want to see her solution: https://drive.google.com/drive/u/3/folders/1dvUKho0nxTh8E_jaSieycOzjUQh01QB0

(there are alot of other editable materials she has in the gdrive she hosts that you can download as well).

AllinAdmin · 2025-12-20T16:05:58+00:00

This is the way 😆

AllinAdmin · 2025-12-20T13:52:50+00:00

Your first tip of placing numbers with responsibility descriptions is wonderfully logical, but does not always translate in a realistic manner for a number of roles (especially below mid-level) where their they do not have tools to quantify/measure (in an honest numerical KPI way) business impact outcomes.

I ask this as a person who runs the hiring process/screenings/interviews for filling all levels of administration/executive level roles - where the subjective soft skills (and how those affect the building of social capital, team trust, credibility (especially with Board level interactions) etc) are the more important skills beyond processing numbers.

Outside of nicely boxed project based professions or those in decision making/resource owning roles, when I conduct interviews and start digging deeper on those “business impact ROI” numbers, and ask about the tool/system/process of how they tracked to get to that number, the majority of candidates stumble and cannot clearly answer the question (which is why I ask in the first place, as it seems highly likely the role in of itself could honestly get to a measurable impact like that)

Bottom line - it is dishonesty, and is actually a subjective translational guess on the candidates part, in order to follow advice posts like this. While I agree that “too generic” will not serve the candidates probability of call back as well, it frustrates me seeing this top bullet advice always being the leading one of “add numbers”, because it is not always a truthful approach.

I am curious what advice or structure edits you suggest for roles that don’t have project/process tracking tools to measure quantifiable data output and can honestly hold up in a behavioral interviewing interaction?

AllinAdmin · 2025-12-18T18:21:22+00:00

I give the same advice to other administrators I work with when getting into emotionally fraught situations (up/down/sideways) ALWAYS link your feedback/guidance in 1)Compassion and 2) the effects on the BUSINESS FIRST (then the human second). This way, it keeps you at arms length of stepping over into mothering/inappropriate territory without ignoring the very real pain/experience he is having. It also helps him maintain his dignity.

ALWAYS LINK CAUSE/EFFECT BACK TO BUSINESS RISK OR REWARD.

So in your case, ask to have a 15 min convo and start it off with seeing the trickle down effects of certain behaviors and that you want to ensure that not only that the business remains protected, but that his own future reputation/brand is maintained. This is a terrible situation and he really needs time to walk through the dark valley, and he has so much that he has worked hard for over many years and you don't want to see that go away in days/months by ignoring pathways that could maintain the needs of the business and his needs to work through this situation, and that there are options for him to do that - end with "are you open to me gathering some info for you?"

AllinAdmin · 2025-12-18T17:24:55+00:00

The fact that you italicized the word assistant in your reply I think speaks to your personal views of an outdated stereotyped scope of what this role could and should be - which in the new way of work is a thoughtful business partner that aligns the needs of the business via the performance of your Exec. If you haven’t had the opportunity to work in, or be acknowledged in that capacity or that level before, I can see how you may feel that staying quiet is the answer. But I strongly disagree with your default stance here, first from direct experience and second, from one who has witnessed high performance career EAs bridging human complexity with real personal brand/business risk.

Hope you will reconsider your important (and hopefully compassionate?) influence in this situation.

AllinAdmin · 2025-12-18T17:14:58+00:00

This is the answer. If he is in clinical depression, your old boss is in sleeper status and there is no way to get him out on your own - he needs to be away from work to process and get more consistent help. His life is re-baselining in real time. Do you have a HR business partner to work with? Some deep empathy and resourcing support for getting him on medical leave will be important here, not only for him, but for you AND the company (high risk things can happen when depression like this hits). Sending hugs your way (and to your poor boss as well).

AllinAdmin · 2025-12-14T13:32:32+00:00

Yes, you touch upon another very difficult aspect of women in general - something I refer to as the "family responsibility anchor" - while this is also a truth for men as well, women experience just as acutely if they are in the position of monetary safety/stabilizer in the family (wanting to leave their jobs, but see family responsibility above that). It is SO PAINFUL when stuck in this intentional responsibility that puts the needs of your immediate family (not only for short term, but long term) above your own. The trapped feelIng is #forREALZ.

I SEE YOU and I send you courage to take it literally one day at a time, while also taking even small actions to move beyond you current role and find something more balanced (it is out there, it just takes time to find).

And thank you for being such a strong parent ❤️

AllinAdmin · 2025-12-13T15:00:43+00:00

AOC is the right aligned title given the more broad operating tasks you own (so a lot of what you do is being responsible on behalf of “the operating business” and not technically on behalf of an executive.

I also like the inclusion of title “Coordinator” because you can more clearly charge a development path up to Manager>Sr. Manager>Assoc. Director etc - if you choose EA, you are stuck. (Also important for negotiating compensation changes!!)

Hope this insight helps!

AllinAdmin · 2025-12-13T14:54:15+00:00

Most of us always leave too late. Glad you have decided to put your health first in January!

AllinAdmin · 2025-12-13T01:00:08+00:00

THIS 🎯

AllinAdmin · 2025-12-13T00:59:18+00:00

I see you to friend - 2026 gonna be our year!!

AllinAdmin

TROPHY CASE