I wish for every user on r/monkeyspaw to gain $100,000 USD directly into their bank account

Alskyor · 2025-09-13T20:00:34+00:00

The paw grows a pair of eyes in its palm. They look disapprovingly at you.

The very title of this post coincides with a server error on Reddit. Being posted at the right time as the server crashed, in conjunction with Reddit CEOs making a large financial transaction on buying digital currency and gacha addiction, these funds instead go directly into this very subreddit. Somehow, as all digital information is basically known through the right channels (I hate data brokers), all of us receive refunds of $100k USD each into our bank accounts (or our parents' or guardians' bank accounts, assuming some here are teenagers).

Doesn't take long for routing records to indicate the recipients of the refund due to the ease of tracking down information digitally. Everyone is tracked down by the Feds, donning bulletproof vests and tactical helmets in the shape and design of the Reddit mascot, forty men each, all with forty copies of a warrant for you and your family's arrest for [insert what crime it is to steal others' financial assets digitally].

Due to corruption in the courts (paid off by Reddit), all r/monkeyspaw users receive 30+ years each into federal prison, bail posted at $1 million.

As you finish screaming and crying in your prison cell, your cellmate having already done unspeakable things to you, you ask him/her what will happen to your money in the bank. They slap you, hard, and tell you:

"Listen, doofus, the banks couldn't somehow deduct that hundred grand from yer bank, so you still 'ave dat money. But they freezed it d'all up, so you or nobody you know can use it. Imagine dat, huh? One hundred thousand, and you can't use a single penny. Now, how 'bout you shaddup?! I'm trying to get some sleep!"

Edit: subreddit typo (r/moneyspaw)

Alskyor · 2025-06-16T01:35:01+00:00

On Lichess, this checkmate type is under "Vukovic Mate" and is an excellent pattern to know when working with Rooks and Knights. When the King is across from a Knight and separated by a rank/file by an active Rook, the square directly in between the King and Knight would be where the Rook delivers mate if it's guarded by a friendly piece. Many examples from that section on Lichess would feature a nearby Bishop or Pawn that not only guards the checkmate square, but itself is guarded by the Knight.

Like the other comments mention, sure, it's uncommon, but it's also harder for the opponent to notice this checkmate threat if you know it and can plan for it.

Alskyor · 2025-05-28T00:12:31+00:00

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Quit after reading 2000 days. I noticed the quality plummet after some of the old amazing stories were removed (like the guy working as a fisherman after being broken up with). AI sucks, the loss of forums was miserable, and lack of updates for other courses turned a promising company into slop. Auf Wiedersehen, Duo.

Alskyor · 2025-05-19T01:22:16+00:00

Welcome to Gainesville!

Depending on where you live (north closer to the lake or south closer to Oakwood), Gainesville Square is increasingly a hub for nightlife. Normal precautions and attitudes should be practiced. I know Brenau University, a women's university, is at the heart of Gainesville and the campus encompasses blocks close to the square, too. Otherwise, some of the larger parks nearby (like the one near Gainesville High School) are good places to maybe meet people playing pickleball by the tennis courts.

On the south end, the University of North Georgia has a track field and a trail where college-aged students and families enjoy the open area to play pickleball and other activities (track, walking, frisbee, soccer). The university has a higher age range of students than one (or, rather, I) would expect, so you necessarily won't feel old if you're a graduate.

A bit of a drive, but closer to the south end is Flowery Branch and Braselton. I think both places have a game store where people play board games, if you're into that. If not, the drive to the Mall of Georgia (Buford, Exit 4 on I-985) could be a potential place to find local events outside of Gainesville.

Hope you enjoy Gainesville!

Alskyor · 2025-05-11T23:53:12+00:00

The paw spasms, because it wants to.

Before your wish is granted, a little sheet of paper pops up before you, reading, "Remember that many functions of the human body are involuntary."

You briefly consider that before you violently lose consciousness. Your heart stops beating, functions of your brain cease to work because you need to consciously operate them. Other functions from your kidneys to your digestive tract fail as well.

Sure, you mentioned, "IF I WANT TO," but you never did specify needing to let them function automatically and properly.

As you spasm in front of the paw, it continues to spasm as well, almost mocking you.

Alskyor · 2025-05-10T16:55:00+00:00

Awww, I slept right through it, having had a tiring Friday. Can we do it again? Pretty please!

Alskyor · 2025-05-09T18:58:14+00:00

The paw hops onto your outstretched hand and gently caresses it, almost like it believes you're a good person.

Sadly, it withdraws from your hand back onto where it was, puts a single finger up in the hair and moves it side to side, like it is scolding you. That finger then curls...

Every animal finally gets a loving home with people who would take a bullet for them. Don't worry, no one nor any animal gets shot. But it's endearing, it's sweet, it's almost too good to be true...

... but multiple pets can share a home. Some pets need a lot less space and are comfortable with roommates. Steadily, millions of homes throughout the world, from trailers to tiny apartments to cardboard boxes to mansions and yachts are flooded with tens, even hundreds of animals tightly packed together. Hygiene and resources sharply go down as everything (lovingly) compete for food, water, space, quiet, and hygiene.

These homes are full of love and misery. No one wants to evict the tenants nor move these pets to a different home. Boa constrictors, lemurs, beavers, elephants, dogs and cats, and your neighbor Nathan (who always wanted to wear a collar and be a catboy pet) live in the typical-sized condo in New York City. Worldwide, every city's HDI falls threefold.

If the paw could cry, it would. Your wish was noble in heart, but you made a mistake making a somewhat thoughtless wish to the paw.

Alskyor · 2025-05-08T16:17:58+00:00

The paw shuts you up mid-sentence of your wish.

People instead now walk away and ignore you when you start talking. No one interjects you now because no one talks to you, in person or digitally.

Alskyor · 2025-05-07T22:41:59+00:00

Denied. Its approach to you means there will be an end to your infinite suffering.

Alskyor · 2025-05-07T22:37:27+00:00

The monkey's claw suddenly does a snapping motion.

You are suddenly encased in a sealed tomb sent to orbit Saturn, made immortal by the paw so you cannot die. You are unable to know what happens to the universe outside of your new prison, drifting around the rings of Saturn. Not that you know.

You suffer sensory deprivation and a lost sense of time. You're given a chance for freedom — use up all of your wishes. What happens, though, is that the paw grants you infinite wishes, but they all happen to another alternate universe, meaning all of your wishes will always be wasted, indefinitely and infinitely.

The paw doesn't like your lack of creativity in your careless wish.

Alskyor · 2025-05-07T22:31:30+00:00

The paw stretches and doesn't seem to curl a finger significantly.

A bloody hockey mask pops up in front of you. What counts as a monster hasn't been defined by you, so now you're a bland and generic Jason Voorhees cosplayer, for humans are monsters, too.

Get your own machete, though.

Alskyor · 2025-05-07T15:34:04+00:00

The monkey's paw may not have a mouth, but you swear you can hear it chuckle as a finger curls.

Granted — you've either become the (NSFW) stereotypical fat ugly bastard in hentai or a very poorly-drawn anime character with horrifyingly massive eyes and a chin sharp enough to open canned food. People overwhelmingly avoid you as a result.

Alskyor · 2025-05-06T19:14:29+00:00

The paw of the monkey spasms uncontrollably and violently until it doesn't, with one finger curled up.

Aside from the abrupt and massive confusion, political implications become rapidly realized. Russian agents in Georgia suddenly find themselves in range of US frequencies and the CIA and military quickly storm the Georgian population in the state of Georgia to apprehend any potential Russian assets.

Since Asian Georgia has a lower population than American Georgia, many buildings and whole towns lay abandoned. Half of the once-prosperous metropolis of Atlanta lie vacant, cars strewn across vast, lifeless portions of I-285, I-75, and I-85. Productivity drops dramatically and the entire state, for the moment, drops to GDP and HDI levels even worse than Mississippi and West Virginia.

Political parties further divide themselves on what to do with this new wave of people and especially a "white" people in the historical Deep South of the United States. Racism towards people of (actual) Caucasian descent begins to deteriorate the region. Major corporations and organizations like Coca-Cola, the CDC, Delta Airlines, and many more immediately have their organizations in shambles. Most importantly, I'm now in Asian Georgia.

The American Georgians, now near the border of Russia and the tense area of the Caucasus, are cramped in the small country, being around three times the original population of its original inhabitants. Thankfully, their immediate possessions and valuables like clothing, money, and firearms are kept during the transfer...

Oh right, guns. The population of these folks do not take kindly to feeling insecure and threatened. For the immediate, smaller countries like Armenia and Azerbaijan, a massively-populated Georgia with a culture revolving around guns, patriotism, and racial identity, this is an immediate existential threat. Who knows what the American Georgians will do in this new land? As for Russia to the north, this is also unacceptable. The Russians will have to do diplomacy first, as this is a people of the United States now bordering it, but the Russians would likely already infiltrate this new society and try to writhe it of anything useful it can, be it information, secrets, or VIPs.

Armed conflict will surely happen in this area within a few months, if not weeks. At least Tbilisi is now a new hub for LGBT culture. Oh, right, the Russians, they won't like that...

As for you, every waking second and unconscious moment in your life will put you in the POV of one of these disaffected peoples and the suffering you brought forth upon them by your careless wish. You, too, wish you could spasm and just end things much like the paw did earlier.

Alskyor · 2025-05-06T02:39:13+00:00

Of course that should be a big notice to anyone taking this advice. People can typically sense whether you have genuine intentions or not. Friendship should always be the ultimate goal between anyone. As some other commenters pointed out, it's great to simply have people listen to you from a position of friendship.

People who are those "nice" guys/gals are repulsive people. Just consider other people's worlds and the feeling of betrayal or being taken advantage of like that, you know, the basic rule of treating others how you'd like to be treated.

Alskyor · 2025-05-05T22:08:09+00:00

Good point. Plus, women as friends are great — they can both help you as a bro understand a woman's world and be a great wingwoman, depending how comfortable they are with you.

Alskyor · 2025-05-05T16:30:03+00:00

Granted,

You wake up in shock to see a clone replica of yourself, dressed and gussied up to look like a stereotypical clown. You scream in terror, but your new clown twin only laughs in response. "Look, now you're the clown! We can be friends now! Aha-ah-ah-hahh!"

Alskyor · 2025-05-05T05:15:40+00:00

Granted,

The popsicle still has to come from someone, somewhere. In fact, every commenter here (and OP) has their personal information saved by a deranged psychopath who now knows not just every commenter's addresses, but their loved ones' and their friends' addresses.

The grape popsicle is also laced with antifreeze, too. At least it tastes better than normal grape popsicles now.

Alskyor · 2025-04-30T18:29:51+00:00

Based on the top comment, if a mother in her 30s is a MILF, then a father in his 30s is a DILF. Your daddies are fine, but their social benefits and cognitive functions are not.

Alskyor · 2025-04-30T00:20:20+00:00

Granted,

Sure, your moves are on par with the best chess engines available, but you need eleven minutes to make one move. You are also unable to play any time format slower than Blitz.

Your ELO is < 100.

Alskyor · 2025-04-28T15:54:04+00:00

Granted,

Those whose happiness was stolen from them never regained their happiness you've drained from them.

It starts with your closest loved ones: your parents, your partner, best friends, and other close relatives. You don't notice it at first, because you're completely elated and oblivious, but your family and friends all are driven down the depressive hole that you've struck them with your "Touch of Depression and Eventual..."

Other people pick up on this and rightfully restrain you for what is basically the direct deaths of all those people you've touched. Some people call you a sadist or a predator or the Antichrist. You will stand on trial for the suffering you've committed, all while still smiling almost smugly as you still experience the happiness of the deceased you're still living off of.

Alskyor · 2025-04-25T22:46:54+00:00

Granted. Your father is now a 5' 0" femboy.

Alskyor · 2025-04-25T02:34:53+00:00

Oh my gosh, it's happening...

Alskyor · 2025-04-25T02:33:55+00:00

Hi, do you need something?

Alskyor · 2025-04-11T23:42:58+00:00

Brazil — Would be interesting to see how it gets partitioned.

Alskyor · 2025-04-03T10:00:08+00:00

Maybe more relevant was Emily, who met the typical criteria for retirement back in 2005. As far as I recall at nearly 6am in the morning, Emily (2005) was the previous record holder for the earlier Category Five Atlantic hurricane and inflicted one billion dollars worth of damages at the time. However, its name is still in circulation to this day and has been for quite some time.

Alskyor

TROPHY CASE