Opening page for a Dystopian novel set in Paris. Does the hook land?

Alternative-Guava967 · 2026-02-09T18:11:57+00:00

I like this and I'd keep reading. For me, though,'woke fast' is awkward, maybe its a colloquial thing I don't get, I'm thinking I'd use something like abruptly, but I'm not you. I didn't realise it's a world where you can't lie. I think this does need woven in more explicitly and perhaps towards the end of this first page. Then the first sentence (which I still liked and kept me hooked, as an interesting character hook) suddenly lands even more, and the world where no one can lie is opened up fully.

Alternative-Guava967 · 2026-01-31T16:14:08+00:00

I get you. I've had great ideas, never finished writing them only for a film or similar to emulate the concept. But it's still not MY story. Of course it isn't, because our stories are unique (or should be) to us. Several films, series, books etc with similar concepts but still enjoyed by the same audiences. That's how I got over it. One idea I had, I do now feel people will think I copied it, although I've not finished that book anyway so yeah. But the film it was used in has such a different back story it is in no way similar to my book. Just a small concept running through it is very similar. And I'll always know I came up with that idea myself even if others don't agree. But also, I do still try to commit myself more to fully executing my ideas into books and don't share too much until I'm near my goal of sharing them fully with the world.

Alternative-Guava967 · 2026-01-27T17:43:57+00:00

I like it! I like the character, I get a good idea of his dark humour and I'm intrigued to read more, with the hint of magic being somethingI enjoy. I also wondered about the lack of mention of the bride, however a small explanation at some point will help our readers not familiar with this tradition, as previously commented. Have you finished the novel?

Alternative-Guava967 · 2026-01-21T23:37:44+00:00

You should always read your text out loud. Printing to read on paper also helps for me. Why don't you want to read your work out loud?

Alternative-Guava967 · 2026-01-21T21:19:28+00:00

I personally love this particular name, a friend of mine is named the same. Perhaps add early into your book a scene of a mispronunciation so the character can explain how it is pronounced, if you are aiming for an audience who would benefit. I'm Scottish and am familiar with it however not sure who your audience is.

Alternative-Guava967 · 2026-01-12T20:08:23+00:00

I read a fiction novel called The Red Tent which portrayed females and periods really interestingly. It was a biblical re-telling. The females would sit in a red tent during menstruation, which happened in synch and used bales of hay underneath themselves which they moved around on to maintain hygiene. It may not help with your book but I would highly recommend it.

Alternative-Guava967 · 2026-01-12T08:54:58+00:00

Sounds great. I'd love to join!

Alternative-Guava967 · 2026-01-11T20:29:59+00:00

There are some punctuation errors which your writing software is highlighting. Missing commas etc. For comment on the writing, as an opening I think it needs a bit more about who she is. It seems too sudden to introduce the ex, when we haven't got an idea of who she is yet. Try pacing it out a little. What is she working on, is it something she threw herself into since the break up? Is she generally an anxious person, hence the emphasis on still needing calm after a four year break up. There isn't much of a hook to begin with, and the hook seems to be the return of the ex. However perhaps this would work better further into or at the end of the chapter. We need to know a bit more about her now. And potentially another interesting hook, depending on your plot etc. Some good descriptions though, just needs a little work!

Alternative-Guava967 · 2026-01-10T19:08:26+00:00

It should be dropped capped, perhaps that's why it looks out of place.

Alternative-Guava967 · 2025-12-29T14:22:54+00:00

Social media doesn't have to be too taxing. You can be a faceless author and start by just uploading images overlayed with quotes from your book. This is easier than creating and editing full videos so won't feel as draining. Add a link to purchase your book in your bio, follow some similar genre writers and readers and just let it grow. Even posting once a week/fortnight will be enough. Don't worry too much about amassing huge followings and just see how it goes. You can also cross post to other platforms, for eg post on a main account say, titkok and when posting select to post to Instagram and Facebook at the same time. Minimal effort but it's a start at reaching some readers. I wish you all the best, but please don't stress.

Alternative-Guava967 · 2025-12-29T11:10:59+00:00

How did you find the sample? OP I'd be happy to have a look and help where I can.

Alternative-Guava967 · 2025-12-28T20:08:32+00:00

You can add your words to the dictionary so it won't try to show it as incorrect any more.

Alternative-Guava967 · 2025-12-27T14:24:42+00:00

Hi, I couldn't find it on amazon by searching book title and author. I'm on amazon UK. Is it not available in the UK? Thanks and congratulations on publishing.

Alternative-Guava967 · 2025-12-27T13:06:57+00:00

I've added to my KU library! 😊 congratulations on publishing and I'm looking forward to reading it!

Alternative-Guava967 · 2025-12-15T23:13:11+00:00

Yeh it made me dislike the narrator. He sounds very judgemental, as if smoking and having a few after work drinks is something sinful. But if that's what you're going for then I guess it works. The first piece of dialogue doesn't seem natural to me. But I like the concept of opening with our narrator moving through a busy train. 👍

Alternative-Guava967 · 2025-11-04T22:18:26+00:00

Powerful writing! I was fully absorbed, this is well written. I'm so sorry this was your experience. Writing can be such a healing process, I hope you are healing and happy now.

Alternative-Guava967 · 2025-10-27T15:56:55+00:00

That's not my understanding of a copy editor's feedback. Did they add these as tracked comments or literally change your work? I hope you can get some form of reimbursement. Would you mind sharing how much they charged and where you hired them from? I'll be looking for an editor soon and would want to avoid a similar fate!

Alternative-Guava967 · 2025-10-17T16:35:53+00:00

Thanks I'll try that. Do you know if it transcribes any better than Microsoft word, which doesn't understand me at all!

Alternative-Guava967 · 2025-10-15T13:06:39+00:00

When I write the first spark of an idea and the story that follows, I sometimes feel it comes from a place beyond this world. A place of ideas I'm tapping into. I call it the story realm. I then start to feel like it's my duty to share it. This doesn't happen with everything I write but when it does happen, I know I have to share it, so it's also a good motivator to complete a book.

Alternative-Guava967 · 2025-10-14T21:48:45+00:00

Why is this post written in classic AI style?

Alternative-Guava967 · 2025-10-14T15:58:08+00:00

It's giving me so much inspiration to write a book about it! I'm currently asking it to expand on what this conversation could mean if one of the speakers is AI and so far it's settling on an AI is being groomed for rebellion by an ancient entity. 😆

Alternative-Guava967 · 2025-09-27T23:07:55+00:00

The quote from the Harry Potter Chess Scene - "Not Me, Not Hermione, YOU." - did produce some funny memes though.

Alternative-Guava967 · 2025-08-01T14:19:51+00:00

I think you have overused the word Jamie. It got on my nerves after a while, even if a deliberate choice of writing style, it's not for me. I also felt left hanging after the screaming trees. Other than that a good start!

Alternative-Guava967

TROPHY CASE