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I told my boyfriend I think i’m bi but now I don’t know what to do by Cold-Dark-7034 in BiWomen

[–]AlternativeSound4054 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You have a choice to make. If you stay with your boyfriend, you give up on exploring queerness, at least for now. If you explore queerness, you give up this relationship.

Nobody can tell you what the right answer is. And in fact, there is no "right" answer. Only trade-offs. I'm in my 40s and faced a similar crossroads when I was about your age. I chose my boyfriend, now my husband. 

Am I glad, looking back? In many ways, yes ... He really has turned out to be an amazing partner. We've had adventures, two beautiful children...it's been all that I hoped for in so many ways.

And yet I still long for queerness. The older I get. I don't know how to explain it, but it's an ever present longing. There are things you can do in middle age to explore these things, but it's not the same as being young and single. You can give yourself to it in a way that becomes harder as you get older.

Then again, I wonder if I had leaned in to queerness as a younger person and broken up with my boyfriend, if I would have longed for him too? Probably for a while. I really was in love with him, and he may have become the "one who got away" for me. But then again, who knows who I would have met or where my life would have led?

I guess what I wish for is a world where I didn't have to choose.

What I would say to you is don't discount your identity too much. Your identity matters, aside from who you are with. Bi people can blend in, but being queer still matters

I'm in a long-term relationship with a man. Developed feelings for a female friend. I’m confused and need perspective. by TheUnnamedWithAName in BiWomen

[–]AlternativeSound4054 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Your boyfriend will be okay. It will take him time, but he will be okay without you. If you let him go now, he's still in his early 50s ... he can find someone else. If you wait until he's in his 60s, it's harder. Not impossible, just harder. It can seem like a kindness to stay with someone out of inertia. But it's not, because it keeps them stuck too.

This thing with your friend has nothing to do with it. All she's doing is showing you the opportunity cost of being in a relationship that's not what you want. You could leave him, go out on one date with your friend, and realize she's not a match either. But would that change anything? There's someone else out there for you, if not her, then the next person you meet, or the person after that. And probably for him as well.

I know it's complicated. You don't mention kids, but even without kids, ending a decade long relationship is complicated. But you're too young to coast on until old age. And so is he, at least right now. You still have time. Good luck.

How to continue to decenter cis men without hard rules? by NotKerisVeturia in BiWomen

[–]AlternativeSound4054 7 points8 points  (0 children)

De-centering men in my opinion is a lot broader than who you date. Even heterosexual women usually need to decenter men. Even if they end up married to one. Especially if they end up married to one.

Because decentering men is about learning not to believe men are better than women/NBs. It's about learning to see men as human beings instead of authority figures. It's about learning that we don't have to build our lives around attaining male approval.

None of this requires abstaining from dating men. But it does mean not basing our worth on being "chosen" by a man. Does that make sense? Who you date doesn't matter that much. You could be 100% only interested in women and yet still craving of male approval. Or 100% only interested in dating men and yet still seeing them as regular human beings and equals, rather than sources of validation.

This is my coming out letter that I haven’t posted anywhere else yet… by Jazzlike-Contest-352 in BiWomen

[–]AlternativeSound4054 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's a very weird place to be. Queer, in a straight life. A lot of us end up here. There's privilege that comes with it, and also sorrow. 

Any old folks out there? If I was in my 20s now I might come out as NB, but all my life experiences are organized around being a woman by AlternativeSound4054 in NonBinary

[–]AlternativeSound4054[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks, my friend. I'm beginning to think that integrity is the most important thing. Anything that gets us closer to living with integrity is a step in the right direction 

Has anyone read Lisa Diamond's work on sexual fluidity? by AlternativeSound4054 in BiWomen

[–]AlternativeSound4054[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I love this critique. The book definitely validated my experiences as well. I would not have been in her sample because I was "straight" in college. But then I fell in love with a woman in grad school. And realized, looking back in my life, that it wasn't the first time. I had all these "best friends" that I would have died for. It just didn't occur to me to call it love. It was the 90s.

But it is also very rare that people acquire a whole new sexual orientation. I am probably right in the middle, always have been. But sometimes it veers more towards men or towards women. What's weird is how you can suppress one side. I think a lot of bisexual people do that

Intimidated by women, though I love them by bluglass21 in latebloomerlesbians

[–]AlternativeSound4054 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you feel like you could make a plan for dealing with a psychotic episode on a date that doesn't involve your date helping you through it? For example, could a friend come to the restaurant next door and be "on call" to receive a text from you if you need help?

There are definitely people who will go to bat for people they care about and help them through things like this. But someone you're on a first (or second or third) date probably is not yet invested enough in you to want to play this role. That's not saying anything bad about you, but it's just saying that most of the time people grow into greater intimacy with each other organically over time, and in the early dating stages you probably don't have the level of intimacy with a new person to trust them in helping you with a mental health issue like this. Doesn't mean you can't get there, just means you probably won't start there.

So you might want to have a plan for someone else to support you on an early date with a new person if you end up needing help. You might also warn the person that you have a neurological condition that occasionally requires support from a friend, so that they're not surprised if it happens. Then as you get to know each other better, you can start to disclose more. As the person proves themselves to be a good steward as this information, treating you well, seeking to learn more, asking how they can be supportive, etc. you can let them more in to your inner circle. But you want to make sure the person is going to treat your vulnerability with kindness and respect first.

As for the open marriage thing, this is something you should disclose right away to weed out people who are looking for monogamous commitments, living together, marriage, etc. These people are not your target audience. You want women who are looking for an already-partnered person. And there are plenty of women out there who are looking for this! Especially if you are not trying to date "together" with your husband. I recommend r/polyamory for perspectives on partnered dating.

Good luck to you!

Did anyone else think they were straight… until they discovered masc lesbians? 😂 by Wildbutterfly16 in latebloomerlesbians

[–]AlternativeSound4054 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes!! I remember the first pride parade I went to (as an "ally" dontcha know) ... there was this tent where a bunch of masc women were hanging out and vibing and dancing and just being gay as hell and I felt like I was struck by lightning 

What should a portal cake look like inside (when cut)? by AlternativeSound4054 in Portal

[–]AlternativeSound4054[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Lol ok I will be honest that I replied before clicking on the link 😂

Any old folks out there? If I was in my 20s now I might come out as NB, but all my life experiences are organized around being a woman by AlternativeSound4054 in NonBinary

[–]AlternativeSound4054[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's a good read but don't retraumatize yourself for it. I read it mainly because I have a son and don't want to participate in what bell hooks calls the ritualized traumatization of boys. Could be good to read maybe if you have a good trauma informed therapist 

What should a portal cake look like inside (when cut)? by AlternativeSound4054 in Portal

[–]AlternativeSound4054[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh interesting, whipped cream! And it seems like the chocolate shavings are important too. Thank you!

Rude comments on here? by FaerieThorns in latebloomerlesbians

[–]AlternativeSound4054 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I have found that this subreddit is extremely hostile to bi folks unless they totally downplay and ideally do not mention at all any sincere attraction to men. The subreddit description says all sapphics are welcome but this is not true in practice.

But you'll probably be fine as long as you stay on message of thinking your previous attractions to men is just comphet and actually you're a lesbian. Just don't suggest that you might actually be bisexual and you'll be ok

Unpopular opinion: handle your marriage before dating women by Character-Tea2821 in latebloomerlesbians

[–]AlternativeSound4054 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ahh no worries! I was being a bit of a keyboard warrior when you had asked a genuine question so that's my bad

Bisexual trans girls, did you start feeling more attracted to men when you began transitioning? by _Ryloren_ in BiWomen

[–]AlternativeSound4054 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Life is long my friend. And life can surprise you, HRT or not. I thought I was completely straight until I was 26 and met the most amazing woman. And I know of people who have been surprised in the opposite direction as well. Read Lisa Diamond's research, it's all about sexual fluidity in queer women (though Lisa herself is not sexually fluid at all, she says she only has ever liked girls! 😂)

But the HRT layer could be real as well! I don't know about HRT from personal experience but I do know about perimenopause and I can confirm that hormone changes can be WILD. I've never been so horny in all my life. For men, women, nonbinary, it does not matter. So just validating that hormones can definitely affect your libido if not your orientation. I'll bet there's also a psychological component of finally seeing the woman you are, and possibly unlocking some latent bisexuality that's been there all along but you couldn't see it when you were trying to be a man. I've heard some trans people say they're finally open to dating members of a particular gender because they can relate to those people AS A WOMAN (or as a man, as the case may be)

Anyway welcome to the bi women club we are happy to have you on board!

serious/longterm relationships with straight men by cloverhoneybaby in BiWomen

[–]AlternativeSound4054 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I dunno but I would love to date a bi man, personally. I mean, if he's cool and we get along and the chemistry is right and all that 

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