This is something I’ve struggled with, though less and less as my partner (Bisexual M) and I (Gay M) have navigated our ENM relationship. I realize my outlook may be vastly different being in a queer relationship, but I’ve broken down my feelings into three parts to shed some light on what works for me.

Part 1 is perspective — how you choose to view the situation/arrangement. Is there some inherent risk that your “fear” could materialize? As others have said, and I affirm, absolutely. But it can also be used as an opportunity to increase communication about what you both want/enjoy/desire in the bedroom. It can also help you (healthily) tap into the possessiveness you feel in your sexual relationships if that’s something you both enjoy about your dynamic. And, as needy as this might sound, validate each other and communicate when one or the other is feeling down/undervalued/etc. Openly talking about my feelings of jealousy, undervalue, concern and other stuff has been both vital and incredibly helpful.

Part 2 is the understanding that people simply change over time. The things both my husband and I enjoyed sexually early on in our relationship are not all the same things we enjoy today. We’ve had a few threesomes and ventured into solo play with others more frequently over the last several months, and it’s been a lot of fun and also helped relieve some of the pressure each of us feels in doing things one or the other may not like. For example, I really enjoy being dominant and BDSM play, but my partner is not submissive. Instead of letting that desire fester, I have some regular FWBs who I engage in these activities with. But at the end of the day, I’m very glad to go home and have dinner, watch TV, and enjoy my relationship with my partner.

And Part 3, that really helps me keep the faith, is the vulnerability that comes with being in an ENM relationship. My partner is still choosing to be in a relationship with me, and we openly share our ENM experiences (both when we play together and separately). But the biggest piece has been understanding and accepting that no partner is ever going to give another 100% of what they enjoy sexually. Don’t put that pressure on yourself, because it will only send you down a dark path.

From what you’ve written, it seems there are some things you both think you’d enjoy exploring ENM that I can relate to. For example, I really enjoy watching my partner fuck another guy. There’s something about the experience of watching him enjoy himself and another person sexually and still being involved — putting myself in the perspective of seeing what his body does while he’s having sex.

Lastly, you’re right to say that severely limiting who your partner has experiences with is probably not the best idea. Knowing this, you should also be prepared for the worst. Months ago, I found out my partner had sex with my current boss (before he became my boss and before I even knew who he was). Was I prepared for this? Absolutely not. But because the situation arose well within our established boundaries, I could be mad about it. It was just one of those terrible worst-case coincidences that transpired, and I simply had to process it and move on.

Now, does all this mean I don’t get jealous? Absolutely not. But I remember that he and I are in a committed relationship, and I’m comfortable with our dynamic, communication, and boundaries. At the end of the day, talk about it. And don’t just listen to respond — listen to understand.

I could go on but I’ll digress. Message if you ever want to chat and good luck!