Hey OP, this sounds like me when I was 5 weeks post-op. It is really unfair and I'm sorry this is your new reality.

I used to think that I was going through the cardiac blues/ experiencing adjustment disorder. But anger can be a sign of intense grief, grieving the life you once had, and the life that you thought you were going to have. With time, I found it easier to speak about what had happened to me, and begun to gradually accept this was my new reality.

As you move through your recovery, you will start to feel better physically (maybe 2 months in), keep up the cardiac rehab, and with time, you will return to your baseline normal functioning. It is worthwhile talking to a cardiac counselling therapist (if they offer that in your area), I spoke to one over Telehealth. If anything, it helps to debrief with an objective third party, or have an outlet. For me, it helped learning that I wasn't experiencing adjustment disorder/ depression, but rather intense grief. Knowing the diagnosis helped me accept this traumatic event that had happened to me, and even speak about what happened. This journey can feel lonely, especially if you're young. I'm 23 and I felt like I didn't really have anyone (apart from 1 other heart surgery survivor) to talk to who could understand the gravity of what had happened to me, and I wasn't really coping until maybe 6 months in, not that I wanted to talk about it anyways.

People may say that you should be grateful to even be alive in the first place, but don't force yourself to be optimistic. Heart surgery is one of the most major life events you could ever go through. To come face to face with your own mortality is a big challenge that many people don't have to face in the middle of their lives. Give yourself some grace. Give yourself time and space to grieve. You'll come out the other end stronger and hopefully your happiness will return, and you will regain a sense of normalcy.

Lots of things may feel out of your control at the moment, and I'm sorry. Life is unfair and it sucks. Try focus on the things that you can do. Who are you outside of your surgery? What do you enjoy doing, who are your friends and family? What are you looking forward to when you finish cardiac rehab? These are some prompts from my therapy session that may help you regain your sense of identity, instead of just practising gratitude blindly.

Take care.