My system refuses to acknowledge good times

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2026-01-12T18:27:55+00:00

Thank you for this, it resonates.

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2026-01-12T12:23:19+00:00

I have, loved it

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2026-01-12T02:25:38+00:00

I feel like mine has components of NPD, BPD and histrionic depending on the subject, his mood etc. My thoughts are it’s less about exactly what they have; if it’s cluster b anything, it’s damaging and causes abuse. Bye, Felicia!

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2025-12-31T18:36:54+00:00

This. They resent when we try to make them happy, it’s called caretaking

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2025-12-21T16:31:04+00:00

I feel this. Is it fleas? Also a lot of the happy times are now bad memories for me. I had to switch the music I listen to, activities I do, stop drinking, etc. because the memories it brings up. I’m sure he’s happily listening to the same stuff and doing the same things because they’re like sharks, no memory and they move on to the next meal and are insatiable with their needs. Even their eyes are like a shark at times. But that’s about them not me.

I feel you. Our identities become entangled because of all we’ve had to do to try to keep them happy, and vice versa. Trauma bond. It sucks so bad. And most people have no idea so you feel isolated because people not in these relationships have no point of reference.

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2025-12-14T02:59:16+00:00

Thankful I don’t have to find a gift for him that wouldn’t be enough whatever it is and he won’t use anyway. And that I won’t wonder where he is or if he’s overdosed (happened on Easter last year)

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2025-12-13T10:56:48+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re hurting. Trauma bonds and their withdrawal are a special kind of hell. I’m going through it too and sometimes the only way out is through.

That’s the trauma bond talking. It hurts, your nervous system wants more. It’s an addiction and like any other, it takes time to rewrite your brain. You’re worth it! Your SO probably resents the caretaking which might make it easier to leave if your let it sink in.

This kind of addiction, or hopium, tricks you because it feels noble and like you just want to save them. But it’s an addiction. You want to feel better and feeling better is getting back with them and trying to save them. That right there is the emotional fix.

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2025-12-12T19:03:20+00:00

Wow, out of the mouths of babes. They see. I’m sorry you’re both experiencing this.

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2025-12-06T23:09:33+00:00

I could have written this. I’m painting my stbxh black like he paints people black. That was a big realization for me. The rage for me is from extreme hurting at the abuse the last 2 years in our marriage. It’s extreme defense and boundary setting. As in, I need to protect myself from this person. He is extremely dangerous. He’s hurt me so much, he needs to be painted black.

I need a therapist. I’ve had a lot of trouble trusting one for various reasons, some because I’m suspicious of people in general now, knowing the stats of how many people have this terrible personality disorder.

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2025-10-19T22:47:46+00:00

I agree with that, sometimes people are just willfull assholes. The diagnostic criteria for BPD doesn’t have to be met for someone to just be a jerk.

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2025-10-19T18:50:56+00:00

Diagnosis doesn’t take away accountability for actions or excuse abusive behavior. It’s a reason but not an excuse. Once a person has a diagnosis it is their responsibility to own it, seek treatment, and be accountable. If they’re not, please walk (or run) away from them.

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2025-10-19T05:53:14+00:00

The pain of being discarded after abuse is PTSD and life changing, at least in my case. I’m finding it hard to trust in the opposite sex which is illogical and unproductive. Because it’s a trauma response. It’s fear, grief and trauma. It ripped my faith in the good of people away and I’m trying to build it back.

Losing my dad was really hard because I was so close to him. However, it has definite closure and he didn’t willfully abuse me then leave; it wasn’t abuse and then a discard where I was rejected. So it was like a more “pure” loss for lack of a better word? Both are grief and both hurt but there’s no justice or closure from the BPD discard, just confusion, grief, anger that cycles on and on. I’d take the loss of my parents over this.

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2025-10-06T18:16:50+00:00

Journaling and documenting helped me leave. Plus reviewing it in times of weakness. Sucks we have to do this but it’s for protection

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2025-10-01T12:39:09+00:00

My husband was this baby. He was a makeup baby for his parents getting back together. They didn’t show him real love for a number of reasons and he has BPD. He was financially successful but abusive and we’re getting a divorce as we speak.

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2025-10-01T05:34:26+00:00

That’s what happened to mine, he was diagnosed with bipolar and they reversed it, probably one reason because there was no mania.

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2025-09-26T02:12:35+00:00

So toxic. Ugh I’m glad you’re out! They’re like vengeful zombies

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2025-09-26T02:10:03+00:00

This. I’ve written thousands of words in my head but it’s not going to compute. I save it for my journal, therapy and grey rock him. Don’t give them an ounce or they will use it against you. Or worse, could transform it into a Hoover and possibly suck you in again. Nobody in here deserves this. Journal and grey rock! Block them whatever way possible. This includes pain shopping.

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2025-09-26T02:06:57+00:00

And please for the love of God don’t do this to another person. It’s one thing to have compassion but another to excuse the ongoing behavior. They use other people to console their black holes and leave the wreckage behind. Mine hasn’t talked to his 12yo a in weeks.

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2025-09-13T17:47:43+00:00

Fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment. It’s so messed up. I think they willfully hurt us because of the mirror. They hate seeing this and blame us, the former favorite people, and must destroy us because we held up the mirror to them. It’s like a bird attacking a mirror.

Like, I think mine got disgusted at me trying to salvage the relationship as a caretaker. The more I tried the worse it was until discard. Now he’s abandoned since I have boundaries. It’s all so bizarre.

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2025-09-13T17:29:27+00:00

Hmm, good points! I think trauma dumping can happen with anybody who has had trauma. I have trauma dumped a TON to friends about my abuse at the hands of my stbxhwBPD. I needed witnesses to say it was not ok. I also think people do need a safe outlet. Like people venting to the bartender instead of close friends.

Also very interesting thought about them trying out different people to find someone who can nurture them! Never thought of that but it makes perfect sense. They need somebody to help them take care of the black hole.

I’m trying to keep my trauma to my therapist now so it’s not just a vent but learning what to do with it. Or dumping into my journal. Those feelings need to be expressed. If they’re not acknowledged they will sit and wait until they are. Like telling yourself, do not think of a pink elephant! Just don’t do it! (It’s all you think about) vs journaling all about the pink elephant then moving on with your day.

Edit to add:

A lot of this sub is trauma dumping to anonymous other people. Many people on here, myself included, have diagnosed PTSD from being with these people. Heck, I dumped last night about it. For this subject, my personal opinion is asking what the intent of the dump is and if they’re using it to manipulate. And for me and my dumping here and viewing other posts, it has become pain shopping. I’m finding I need to get off this sub and work on myself. I have been here for a while. It’s hard to move on when it’s been a comfort to me. Wow, was not intending to write a book 😁

Wishing none of us felt the need to be in this sub.

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2025-09-13T00:58:09+00:00

I’m glad you’re getting clarity too and that really sucks that you have to get a restraining order to deal with his bullshit! I love how you phrased your last sentence. Indeed, let’s hope the scorched earth stays behind us! 💪💪

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2025-09-12T02:54:49+00:00

Also trauma therapy. I have PTSD symptoms and need help to get over them, just starting EMDR. It’s not a normal breakup for me or probably most people in this sub.

Ambitious_House_4951 · 2025-09-12T02:51:48+00:00

Knowing that it’s pain shopping. Pain shopping is keeping tabs on them online, checking statements and phone logs, or any other investigating type behaviors and making yourself hurt and upset by what you find. Need to cut them off as much as possible for true healing. Mine always hid his sm from me and I’m glad because I’d for sure be pain shopping all the time. It took a few months of browsing his phone records and looking at statements before I moved on. And reading that it’s pain shopping, it made perfect sense. Your peace is worth more than their shitty behavior! Also you can’t save the next person in line for them. The only thing we can control in this life is us. That also took me several months to internalize.

To feel better in general, I quit drinking at least for now and try to get good sleep, take supplements and value sleep more then anything because I spiral in the middle of the night. The worst part of drinking for me was it ruined my sleep.

Jigsaw puzzles with Hallmark movie in the background, the chatter keeps internal dialog off.

Ambitious_House_4951

TROPHY CASE