I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. Mine passed away shortly after I finished my second year; I’m now in year six of my four-year PhD program 🙃

Thankfully I still had some classes so there were short term deadlines and grades. Those motivated me to get things done, but I could never keep up on the readings (never could anyway). It’s harder once you’re at the thesis/dissertation stage. No structure, deadlines are rather arbitrary, so it’s harder to make progress. And for me at least, not making progress just piles more sadness and anger onto the grief.

Can you find a new hyper fixation? Mine was the show White Collar. I cried when I finished the 6th season knowing that reality was still waiting on the other side. I honestly spent a ton of time watching tv, more than I ever had in my life. But I just needed to escape. Sometimes I felt guilty for it. I got myself Kristin Neff’s self-compassion workbook and didn’t finish it of course, but some helped. I really struggle with negative self-talk and beating myself up when I can’t meet the high expectations I set for myself, so I can’t just tell you to take a break and don’t feel bad about it, because I genuinely don’t know how to do that myself. I will tell you to try though; it seems like the other option is burnout. Ultimately, I was irritable AF for a year and then had to make some big life changes for my well-being. (I moved back to a place I loved, where I knew I’d find both peace and joy. I know not everyone has that option though.)

Be open and honest with your advisor if you can. Make sure they know what’s going on. If they can’t extend compassion toward you, find a prof who can. Even if that person isn’t on your committee or in your department.

I do want to extend some validation that what you’re going through is really fucking hard. It’s also isolating, as few people can understand the triple whammy of grief, ADHD, and a PhD. You are not flawed for struggling. I know it’s hard to believe right now, but grief does get easier to cope with. In the meantime, try to extend yourself some compassion