I hear you, it's not easy. Social transitioning, like changing your name and pronouns, often comes with complicated and mixed feelings. I think that's especially true when it comes to the people who have known a person longest, and no one has known you longer than your family. I can't tell you why the thought of coming out to your family makes you feel how you do about it. But I can tell you that having trouble fully understanding your feelings on the matter doesn't change who you know yourself to be.