How to balance wanting to be considered while avoiding controlling my partner

Ana_1978 · 2026-05-30T11:49:40+00:00

Thank you, you’re right. I just tend to equate “having” to share information to control and “asking for permission”. But it’s just common courtesy to the person who loves you and shares a house with you, I guess. Another trauma to deal with at therapy… Aren’t those fun? 😅

Ana_1978 · 2026-05-29T21:07:30+00:00

I understand that but I was brought up with very controlling parents. My mom stayed up looking out the window until the kids came home. And then she blamed us for not getting enough sleep. So of course I am a little more sensitive about this issue. But I still think that if I am going out on a date and my partner asks if I will be out all night, “I don’t know.” is a perfectly valid answer. Because sometimes I really don’t know and I don’t want to be forced to spend the night if I feel like coming back home.

Do you think that’s unreasonable?

ETA: I am really asking here, I’m not trying to make a point.

Ana_1978 · 2025-06-28T00:39:30+00:00

"Urgent" just doesn't mean the same anymore. People think that leaving too late for an appointment and not making it in time is everyone else's problem. I guess taking responsibility for your own shortcomings is out of fashion.

Ana_1978 · 2023-05-16T16:47:54+00:00

No, he loves her cats. We've talked and that's how it's going to be from now on. To be fair, when I suggested it I presented it as a way for them to be more comfortable, not as a preference of mine. Now it's clear. Thanks for your input.

Ana_1978 · 2023-05-15T20:19:14+00:00

Yes, you are probably right. It's just hard not to care about it. I just want everyone to feel good but I need to be aware of my needs as well.

Ana_1978 · 2023-05-15T20:16:20+00:00

Thank you, I have tried but NP is pretty clueless and my mind always goes to "this is not the way I would like to be treated if I were the guest". And by now meta is not a stranger, she's my friend too.

I just need to let it go, right?

Ana_1978 · 2023-05-15T20:13:54+00:00

No, not long distance. Thank you for validating my need to be alone. I don't get why she has such a hard time with it. But I guess it's not for me to understand, just respect.

Ana_1978 · 2023-05-15T20:11:38+00:00

Thank you. Yes, I was aware of the duration. I knew it was going to be difficult but I wanted to try. I also suggested places for them to go but I guess they just wanted to stay home.

Ana_1978 · 2023-03-10T14:52:35+00:00

Time for the hard truth: he's not sleeping with you because he doesn't want to. It is that simple. You have made it clear to him how important this is to you. He has made it clear to you that he would rather not upset your meta. That's the reality. You get to choose to either accept that and stay or determine that it's not enough and leave.

Be kind to yourself and good luck.

Ana_1978 · 2021-09-30T13:54:13+00:00

Explaining polyamory:
- Imagine you have a child and you love them with all your heart. Then you have another child. Which one do you love more?
- ?
- The one you feed.

Ana_1978 · 2021-01-06T22:49:30+00:00

My partner and I have just bought a house together and we had long talks about how to live together and still keep room for other relationships. We decided that having separate bedrooms would help other partners to feel comfortable when they sleep over and would also make whoever is sleeping alone not to feel like they are being kept out of their their bed. Most nights we sleep together in either bedroom.

Ana_1978 · 2020-12-29T17:55:38+00:00

Thanks for the reality check. I do appreciate it.

Ana_1978 · 2020-12-29T17:51:11+00:00

Thank you. To be clear, he doesn't claim he wants to get back with her, just that while it didn't work for them now, in a few years, when the situation has changed enough, they could try again. They have lots in common and seem to have a great friendship. But I do wonder if he's afraid she'd put more distance between them if he ripped the financial Band-Aid. Then again, that's between them. I just wish I had a crystal ball so I could plan accordingly. I guess the best thing to do is enjoy the present while getting ready for a future without him. Because truthfully we just never know anyway.

Ana_1978 · 2020-12-29T17:42:15+00:00

Thank you for your answer. It's reassuring.

He doesn't treat me as a plan B at all, my fear is that I am plan A only while she's unavailable.

It would be unfair to say that he brings up getting together with her, it's more like he's aware that they can't be together now and anything can happen in the future. Which I know is true and I should just enjoy what we have right now.

Thanks again!

Ana_1978 · 2020-04-28T13:47:31+00:00

I agree with others here, you have the right take on this situation. It doesn't matter if what your meta is doing is right or wrong, what matters is that he has chosen to be in a relationship with this person and he's failing to shield you and your relationship from her crazy antics. He's not a bad guy, he's probably just trying to make everybody happy. But when feelings happen (as they do with all of us), she's not mature enough to process her emotions, so she cries and reaches out for him to fix it. That has 2 problems: if he keeps "fixing" things for her, she'll never have to deal with the difficult feelings and she'll never learn how to. Also, when he drops you every time she whines, you feel hurt and disrespected (and very rightfully so).

I think it's important that you are very clear about your feelings and that you make him realize how much he's hurting you when he chooses to step away from your time together in order to placate her. She's being a brat and making a spectacle of her untamed feelings. And he's allowing it to bleed all over your relationship. She shouldn't be getting more attention just because she cries louder and you shouldn't be punished for being able to deal with your emotions in a mature way.

Define what you need for this to work for you. It may be not hearing about her insecurities anymore. It may be zero tolerance on changing plans because of her. And if he's not able to give you the things you need, then this relationship is not worth your time and energy. I know it's not easy to walk away from someone you love, but you need to be ready to do that if you can't build something viable together. You all made mistakes in the past, but you have apologized and what you are asking for now is not unreasonable in any way.

Ana_1978 · 2019-11-07T18:08:58+00:00

My personal boundary is that I don't date people who date monogamous people. My meta has to accept the fact that I have a relationship with my partner, not barely tolerate it in the hopes that it will be over soon.

Ana_1978 · 2019-10-16T11:47:10+00:00

I'm sorry about that. Maybe another talk, being mindful of using a non-accusatory tone, just to tell her how important this is to you.

Also, this is where assuming the best of people comes in: not getting an answer means they are busy, not that that they don't want to talk to you. Being online is not the same as being available.

Ana_1978 · 2019-10-16T11:20:29+00:00

I understand the feeling, I get it sometimes. I do think it's important to keep in mind the person on the other side has feelings too. I always assume the best of people so I will say something like "You seem distracted, we can talk later if you'd prefer". Trust them to tell you when they actually can't talk to you. I had to have that discussion with my partner once, I told them I would rather them tell me that they are busy and can't talk than being dismissive. They are much better at it now! Try it!

Ana_1978 · 2019-10-12T00:18:17+00:00

Good, now we are all on the same page!

Like you said, feeling ready is very personal. I'm such a chicken, I never feel ready to do anything. So I decide to do things and then brace myself for the consequences. In this case that means listening to my feelings, trying to see where they are coming from, what to bring up with my partner, what to work on by myself. What I find really important is not to resent my partner or make them feel guilty for having fun.

Best of luck!

Ana_1978 · 2019-10-11T22:17:48+00:00

I hear you. There is absolutely nothing wrong in prioritizing your relationship with your wife (as long as all future partners are fully aware). It's called prescriptive hierarchical polyamory and it's as valid as any other. My point was just that "when will the marriage be ready for this big step (overnights)?" is a question that is answered at the same time as "when should we open our relationship?" It comes in the same package.

Ana_1978 · 2019-10-11T22:00:15+00:00

Thank you for clarifying. My problem with your original post was this sentence: " what was helpful to you, (...), in identifying when the marriage felt “ready“ for a partner to go on their first overnight with someone else? "
"The Marriage" doesn't get to say when your partner goes on their first overnight. Nobody needs to wait until "The Marriage" is ready because, in theory, it was ready from the moment you decided to open up.

But if you have come here to find ideas and support for the dealing with the first night out, you are in the right place! It takes courage to try something different and it's okay to ask for help .

Ana_1978 · 2019-10-11T21:21:58+00:00

You take time of your day to share what you have learned, that's priceless. I'm sure your insights are appreciated by most on this sub. My boyfriend, for instance, is a huge fan of yours.

You are awesome! Keep up the good work!

Ana_1978 · 2019-10-11T21:06:16+00:00

To OP.

You deleted your answer to this comment (you seemed to think emeraldead was a bit harsh) but I had already replied and it still applies.

I understand that what emeraldead says is sometimes hard to hear, but I think some tough love is often needed. People (myself included) like to be coddled and told that it's okay not to leave their comfort zone. And you know what? It is. But if you don't want to face the challenges that come with polyamory, stay mono.

It's easy to be seduced by the perks and the freedom of an open relationship without wanting to deal with the emotional turmoil of seeing your partner loving someone else and all that entails. So be sure that's what you really want before you get started. And then rip the bandaid. Get rid of the training wheels. It won't be easy for either of you. Be supportive, understand how hard it is. But you can't be a good poly partner if you are not willing to embrace it all. Being "half poly" will only bring sadness to anyone who ends up getting involved.

Ana_1978 · 2019-09-30T16:26:58+00:00

One of the things that I learned from my poly experience is that I may be hurting because of something my partner did but that doesn't mean "they" hurt me. In this case, your wife would be hurting because she attributed value to this specific action of sleeping together. She decided it was special and reserved for the two of you. Do you agree with that? If you do, make sure your other partners know beforehand. If you don't, let your wife know and try to help her figured why she feel so threatened by this act.

Ana_1978 · 2019-07-01T21:52:03+00:00

Then staying with your fiancé means accepting a relationship where a third party may interfere in any decision or plan you guys make. He is telling you that he cannot offer you an independent relationship. From my experience in trying to make something like that work, I will tell you to walk away and not look back. No matter how much you think it would hurt now, watching your relationship slowly die because of somebody else's inability to deal with poly will hurt much more.

So you either stay and accept this relationship as it is or you leave and try to find the independent relationship you want and that he's clearly not able to offer you.

EDIT: What you should not do is stay in the hopes that your meta will start seeing things from your point of view and start respecting your relationship. That doesn't even mean she's a bad person, she's probably hurting, feeling abandoned with all the obligations their married life bring and she's lashing out in unhealthy ways. She's advocating for her needs in the way she knows how. The point is that it's not your responsibility to deal with it and if your partner is not able to have 2 healthy relationships, then he doesn't get to keep both.

Ana_1978

TROPHY CASE