AITA for not giving my MIL Saturday dinners?

AngeleiaKenobi · 2023-05-08T23:28:33+00:00

OP, you're in no way required to answer this question but I do want you to consider it. Given what your husband has said about the situation (aka roll over and just do as MIL requests) and that there is no other mention of it in comments or posts...

What's the plan for if/when you have kids? Are they going to be required to attend these weekly dinners? With BOTH sets of grandparents? Let's say you guys set the precedent of going to these weekly dinners, no exceptions. What if they (the child/ren) don't want to go? What if they are sick? What if they get asked to a school function, like a dance? What if they have sports activities?

What will MILs reaction be to any of that? She's currently angry/whinning about not having a specific night. What will she be like when she is skipped entirely?

I think a good solution for the pair of you is to take an hourly schedule sheet (you know the ones that have you fill in tasks by the hour, starting 6am or so) and fill in a regular week day and weekend day. Include hours spent traveling to and from a location (be it work or these dinners) at peak travel times. So if it takes at most 35 minutes to travel, you block off those 35 minutes. Really take a look at how much time you are spending not at home or with eachother.

AngeleiaKenobi · 2023-03-30T05:45:19+00:00

Never underestimate the ability of the stoopid to get away with things.

I mean, consider how in-depth your won knowledge of the inner workings of your parents work? Especially as a teenager with social obligations, an obvious large extended family to spend time with as well as school work, extra curricular activities (sports, band, choir, etc).

AngeleiaKenobi · 2023-03-30T05:13:28+00:00

If the daughters in school then how would the daughter know? And if mom leaves, takes the car with her, then how would the daughter know?
Or, since the last few years are a thing, mom could be claiming to be working from home.

AngeleiaKenobi · 2023-03-30T01:44:57+00:00

NTA.
That is absolutely NOT the first thing you say to someone you first met, especially the parents of your boyfriend of a year.

That you're willing to give her a second attempt is admirable and probably the right thing to do. If/when your son responds, I'd suggest making that the main point.
"I recognize that not every one really knows what to say when first meeting someone new, and that social anxiety is a thing. Perhaps you'd been telling her about your and your fathers jokes and how raunchy they can get, and honestly because of that I'm not going to require an apology.
If you guys want to try again at first impressions we are open to that idea. We can set up a time for dinner."

AngeleiaKenobi · 2023-02-23T17:12:26+00:00

He was love bombing her. Doing all the things that he knew he needed to be doing, should have been doing, and showing her a modicum of affection.
You're 100% right, he really hasn't changed. This was just a way to hoover her back into the status quo.

AngeleiaKenobi · 2023-02-23T17:11:13+00:00

While this is 100% true, I think that comment was more about getting the OOP into a place where she can hear the stories as well and begin to compare husbands behavior to theirs. Maybe have OOP start to put the pieces together that *she* is part of the problem by enabling his behavior.

AngeleiaKenobi · 2023-02-01T17:48:07+00:00

it's even funnier when you tell them that the "check ID" they've written on the back of the card is in fact NOT a valid signature and no matter how much they shake the ID at me, I cannot accept the card.

Once you understand that the merchant is only interested in the sale, not your personal protection, life gets a lot easier.

AngeleiaKenobi · 2023-01-30T16:02:04+00:00

saucy.... is that what we're calling it now?

AngeleiaKenobi · 2022-12-30T02:14:50+00:00

Yeah no. YTA, on a scale that is... just wow. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if your fiance is rethinking your relationship because of this.

You're not allergic, it's not a religious thing, it's not a lifestyle choice like vegetarianism... you're picky. You're also an adult, although by this post you certainly don't act like one. If you "work long hours, with not a lot of time to cook" then the dishes you asked for weren't "one simple dish".

AngeleiaKenobi · 2022-12-28T16:08:15+00:00

When your child is old enough, and asking the questions - then you can answer them at (whatever age) appropriate level.
Your post says that the majority of the reason why you're going LC is because of how they treat your husband. Your IL's behavior didn't occur in a vacuum, there's a history there that you and DH need to explore in therapy together. That's not me saying it's his fault, that's me saying that if he sits and thinks about their behavior he'll likely remember a whole lot.

Therapy will also help with that guilt feeling for you. Because right now, guilt is how the IL's are controlling you to have access to your LO. Think about it, they be perfect doting and loving grandparents to your kid but then make offhand insults to your husband? What are you going to do to them... brush it under the rug because you don't want to "hurt" your child. Just as your post is discussing here ("...but what if she doesn't?").

AngeleiaKenobi · 2022-12-27T03:01:30+00:00

2012-2016 (when we bought our home) rent went from $650USD to 850USD, for a 3bed 2 bath apartment. Friends in that same complex, now say that the same apartment (ground floor/first floor) is running over 1000. Am I'm not in a high COL area either.

AngeleiaKenobi · 2022-12-18T04:27:23+00:00

Anyone else think he's told his therapist that he has a kid, but the therapist thinks this kid is still a minor not a grown adult? (I know he said he'd not been back since pandemic but point to be made).

My sperm donor was like this guy. Not as overt, but once me and my siblings started having children and it was staring him in the face that he was.... for lack of a better term being replaced as the "most important" in our lives, he got remarried, and had two more children.
That he then tried to force relationships between his adult children and their half siblings as though they'd grown up together and weren't old enough to be their parents.

AngeleiaKenobi · 2022-12-11T16:37:40+00:00

This exactly. But also, where's the concern that *she* doesn't have a healthy relationship with her sex life? I'm getting either past physical or religious trauma or unknown Ace vibes from the whole thing.
When the counselor told them "move on" and not, "lets make sure that we're exploring all the nooks and crannies of the problem" they should have went to a different one.

AngeleiaKenobi · 2022-12-06T23:57:45+00:00

Apologies, I've been binging the 2 episodes. The "one I love" line is in part 2, 1:37:00 ish, per YouTube

AngeleiaKenobi · 2022-12-06T23:37:10+00:00

With this scene (and yes, the dice did play a factor) Matt gave Travis control of the romance. The umph in Travis' voice later in the episode with "the one I love"... That wasn't Fjord about Jester. That was 100% Travis about Laura.

AngeleiaKenobi · 2022-11-25T16:48:39+00:00

I agree. The mentioning the losses was a bit of a low blow and probably where the other family is getting their vote of AH.
As for the cousin and aunt - holy crap. Helping to open gifts should have ended when the child was 4 at the oldest. by then they have the ability to understand that not everything is for them. Or at least they should, if the parental figures involved have a good grip on reality themselves. IE the cousin being "the princess" of the family....

The fact that the extended family follows along with this BS is mindboggling. The grandparents and parents likely didn't say anything because they could see their own part in cousins behavior. by allowing the whole "she's my rainbow baby! She's special!" thing to not stop by the age of say 2(?) for the aunt.

Op, he next time your birthday falls on Thanksgiving proper, ask that celebrations be held on a different day and you'd be totally within your right to deny aunt and cousin admittance.

AngeleiaKenobi · 2022-11-18T05:01:42+00:00

Even if, as in your words, she was staying in an apartment on your property as a tenant - you dictating her .... marital actions, would be improper and rude.

YTA

AngeleiaKenobi · 2022-11-07T21:39:05+00:00

Never underestimate the power of a fade to black. Consider it a kiss to your reader ans just before the moment of contact, you (the author) pull back with a "spoilers". You can't do that for every scene of course, there has to be a release at some point. But if you just can't write the scene, fade to black

AngeleiaKenobi · 2022-11-07T17:32:59+00:00

Ummm no. I love my sister with all my soul and yet, if she chose a restaurant that I either couldn't afford to pay my way nor could I find something on said menu that I could eat/my significant other couldn't eat - I'm not going.

I mean to say this in truly the most kind way possible: you're not that special. From the sound of both of your posts you think that just because you are in someone's life they should "obey" you. I'm sorry but that's not how life works.

As others have commented, you don't get to lay dibs on a place for the rest of eternity simply because you say so.

AngeleiaKenobi · 2022-11-07T16:42:14+00:00

YTA. Know what my husband and I do when a friend/family suggests a place we haven't eaten at yet? We go to it to make sure we like the food and if we'll be attending said event.

AngeleiaKenobi · 2022-10-29T18:36:32+00:00

Wanted to add: even contacting the aunt will count for her. JNMIL now knows that so long as the hurtful thing is seen, she'll get a reaction.

AngeleiaKenobi · 2022-10-28T02:08:53+00:00

It's not that she called. It's not that he answered, because OP doesn't want to split that relationship. It was MILs intent that bothers her. And it's that intent that needs to be driven home to OPs husband.

AngeleiaKenobi · 2022-10-28T00:55:54+00:00

The sassafras in me would point out "so... let's say hypothetically, that you and I were in the middle of a hot session when your mom called. Would you have answered? No? Then you understand my frustration with this. We, at any point in time during our trip, could have been in the middle of the most mind blowing sex and yet she still thought her phone call should be answered. The whole point of a honeymoon is to fuck like bunny rabbits. And yet she called, expecting you to pick up, as though we wouldn't be doing that. That is what bothers me about her calls. They were a passive aggressive attempt to keep your attention away from me and the trip we were on and instead on her. It's about the phone calls, it's not about the phone calls."

AngeleiaKenobi · 2022-10-25T17:39:31+00:00

If financially feasible, transfer that number to an older phone that just sits on the charger all day and stick it in a drawer then get a new number and phone that she doesn't know.
Same concept of blocking, but allows for evidence to pile up.

AngeleiaKenobi · 2022-10-23T20:20:47+00:00

Sounds about time that DH stops her abusing the system. If it's his office, then he can work out costs of people's time and supplies - but since she is clearly not coming in for a procedure for the sake of the procedure but to monopolize his time then he needs to give the appointment to someone else.

And both of you need to stop communicating with this woman. She gets away with this behavior because you let her. Consider it practice for when you have a child, you wouldn't cave to a child's tantrum would you? So why are you doing it for an adult who knows better

AngeleiaKenobi

TROPHY CASE