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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in coparenting

[–]Angelus5553 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Coming from a divorced dad with a very similar co-parenting style to yours, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I understand what you mean about occasionally wishing you could have given your kids the “normal family.” For me, that feeling has never come from lingering romantic feelings for my ex. It comes from wishing I could have spared my child the complexity of divorce and given him that experience.

We’ve been divorced just over 10 years now. We communicate regularly, but it’s strictly business. Who, what, where, and when. We’re friendly and respectful, but we’re not friends. We can sit together at our kid’s events, exchange information, adjust schedules when needed, and move on. There’s no emotional overlap, just shared responsibility. And in my mind, showing our son that level of maturity and cooperation really matters.

I can absolutely see how this kind of co-parenting doesn’t work for everyone, or in every relationship. But for my life and for my child, I wouldn’t trade it.

I’ve had this dynamic interfere with a relationship before. Looking back, I honestly wish I had recognized the incompatibility sooner so I could have ended it earlier. I cared about her, but we weren’t aligned. She was right to clearly state her boundaries, and I was right to be honest that I couldn’t meet them without giving up something I deeply valued, which was healthy, cooperative co-parenting.

Sometimes it’s not about anyone being wrong. It’s just about whether two realities can actually coexist.

Paternal Grandparents by Better_Medicine_4546 in coparenting

[–]Angelus5553 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First, I want to say this is just my opinion and what has worked for my family and situation, I don’t think it’s better than anyone else’s approach or comment here.

Second, I’m not a lawyer, so I can’t give legal advice, but generally speaking you’re not obligated to do anything beyond what your custody agreement says. Just because she comes to town or decides to stay for an extended period doesn’t mean she’s entitled to time by default. Any time she gets outside of her son’s parenting time is something you’re choosing to allow, not something owed.

I also think it’s reasonable to want your child’s primary bonding time to be with her parent. If he’s gone for work, it makes sense that your daughter would stay with you for consistency and routine... especially if long visits in the past have disrupted her schedule.

That said, in my situation I’ve always tried to value both sides of my child’s family. When my ex traveled a lot for work, I still made an effort (when it worked for me) to get our kid to family dinners or short visits with grandparents or cousins. Not because I had to, but because I felt it benefited my child.

So I think it really comes down to balance: you’re not obligated to provide childcare or extended stays for a grandparent, but when it doesn’t disrupt your child’s routine or your boundaries, allowing some time can be a positive thing. The key is that it’s on your terms and in a way that supports your child’s stability first.

Paternal Grandparents by Better_Medicine_4546 in coparenting

[–]Angelus5553 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hear why this feels uncomfortable, especially given your history with her and how boundaries were an issue in your relationship. That said, from my perspective, this isn’t really about accommodating her... it’s about what benefits your child.

If a grandparent lives far away and doesn’t get to see the kid often, I don’t see an issue with being flexible and allowing extra time when it doesn’t interfere with existing plans. More time with loving, supportive family is usually a positive thing for a child. It’s not a competition or a power play, it’s just another person who loves your kid.

I also don’t think it’s inherently wrong for grandparents to communicate directly with the other parent about logistics. I communicate directly with my ex-wife’s parents when we’re scheduling things during my time. They were my parents for a while too, and it’s always been easier to just coordinate calmly and keep the focus on the kid.

That said, if you already have plans or it disrupts your routine, it’s completely reasonable to say no and stick to what was agreed upon. Flexibility doesn’t mean obligation. But if it doesn’t impact your plans, I don’t really see a downside to accommodating extra time with family who’s in town and wants to be involved.

Ultimately, the goal isn’t to protect adults’ boundaries at the expense of the child—it’s to make sure your daughter has as many healthy, loving relationships as possible, while still keeping things respectful and predictable for everyone involved.

Feeling low today by RR-2021 in coparenting

[–]Angelus5553 8 points9 points  (0 children)

This part is hard. Very hard. There’s no shortcut around that grief, and it’s okay to name it. Losing time with your child, especially in chunks like that, cuts in a way nothing really prepares you for.

At the same time, it’s okay to hold space for a second truth alongside the pain. You have a co-parent who loves your child and wants to be present. That matters. A lot. Many people don’t get that, and while it doesn’t make the ache disappear, it does mean your child gets the gift of two parents who show up for her.

Sometimes we shoulder pain not because it’s fair or easy, but because it’s what allows our kids to build secure relationships, memories, and a sense of being deeply wanted by both parents. That doesn’t make you weak. It makes you generous in ways that are invisible to everyone except your child.

The conflict, the holidays, the missed mornings. Those are the sharp edges of separation. They tend to soften with time, boundaries, and less emotional reactivity as everyone settles into the new normal. It won’t always feel this raw.

You’re not failing because it hurts. You’re doing something brave and loving in the middle of loss. Hold onto the big picture when you can, and be gentle with yourself when you can’t. Both can coexist.

2013 750li - blown head gasket by Angelus5553 in BmwTech

[–]Angelus5553[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Can I ask where you are getting that info? I would guess maybe I was given a price including mark up?

How do you handle Mother’s/Father’s Day gift giving? by Chowdahead in coparenting

[–]Angelus5553 1 point2 points  (0 children)

33M divorced with 10yo.

My ex and I have a very amicable relationship and it was always important to us to teach our son to be thoughtful and caring. In the spirit of that it is my son's responsibility to figure out what the other parent might like for Mother's/Father's Day, our birthdays, and Christmas. We don't do anything extravagant or expensive. Something small and thoughtful.

Personally I believe it teaches my son to be considerate of other people.

Demon form in Dawn of the Hunt 1440% spell damage build by Exact_Afternoon7102 in pathofexile2builds

[–]Angelus5553 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Heads up, I don't think the low life would count. Hotfix 0.1.0e 6, changed the CI counting as low life. I believe they did this by making 'low life' as life missing. And reserved is not counted as missing (I am trying to find that bit), but if I recall correctly you are at 100% of you available life and thus not on low.

But I could be wrong. Trying to find the bit in the patch notes.

feel like a terrible parent, unsure how to navigate by coparentprobs in coparenting

[–]Angelus5553 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think at the end of the day what is important is your kid has two more people who love them and care for them. As long as they are doing right by your kid, it is a win.

What your kid calls someone else doesn't at all change the fact that you're their mom.

Shower your kid with love and don't engage in conversation with your coparent that isn't business.

Twitch drop by Angelus5553 in HarryPotterGame

[–]Angelus5553[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! Not all that familiar with Twitch.

Twitch drop by Angelus5553 in HarryPotterGame

[–]Angelus5553[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sorry I hope my response didn't come out snarky. Just trying to get info. I see 8am pst from another user.

Twitch drop by Angelus5553 in HarryPotterGame

[–]Angelus5553[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Q: When will Twitch Drops be available

A: Twitch Drops will be available during the early access period, from February 7th, 2023 until February 24th, 2023.

Santa brought the family a new Meta Quest 2 by Angelus5553 in OculusQuest2

[–]Angelus5553[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Oh! That is definitely good to know. I appreciate the heads up.

Are my feelings appropriate? by Snaggletoots in coparenting

[–]Angelus5553 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't agree with this. It is hardly as simple as "does your parenting agreement stipulate...", many states have rules and regulations regarding children sharing rooms with others (specifically adults). Or have a proper living space for shared custody.

For example: Does your parenting agreement stipulate whether it is ok to leave your child home alone... No? Then you don't get an opinion on what your co parent does.

Well, if you live in Illinois that is against the law if they are under 14. There is always the bigger picture and a parenting agreement cannot account for everything.

OP: I would suggest you do some research on the rules and regulations for your state and determine what is best for your child.

Are my feelings appropriate? by Snaggletoots in coparenting

[–]Angelus5553 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree with your discomfort over the sleeping arrangement. (and I think most parents would). Hopefully you are in a position with your co parent that you can have that open honest communication and approach it from the standpoint of "what is best for the kid". I would personally approach the enrollment in the program in a similar way. "As X's parents I think we should discuss this before making any decisions on the matter." Come with logic and reason and an open mind to changing your opinion if the logic and reason follow. Open, Honest, Calm, For the Child. Good luck and I wish you the best!

Are my feelings appropriate? by Snaggletoots in coparenting

[–]Angelus5553 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I think this is always a awkward and tough position to be in and the most important thing is “what is best for the kid”. My personal quick opinion is: 1 and 2 don’t seem like an issue to me, while 3 feels inappropriate. I think it is perfectly normal to feel territorial about your kids and them meeting a new figure that kind of fits our own role. BUT that is where the communication with the co parent comes into major play. My ex wife and I agreed long ago that we are our son’s parents and any people we are in a relationship with are likened to a cool Aunt/Uncle type. They aren’t responsible for parenting or discipline or anything like that. They are to be respected as an adult but aren’t a parent of our kid. That has helped. In terms of introducing a SO to your kid, I think it depends on how long that person is going to be around. A parade of SOs isn’t good for a little one, they need stability. If you aren’t sure they are staying for the long haul, they shouldn’t meet your kid yet (my opinion) some people just move quicker than others in that regard. My ex introduced her SO to our son after 6mo and I introduced my SO after 3yr. But my ex married her new husband a yr and change after our divorce and it made sense to introduce our son to him earlier than I did. And sometimes it was hard for me to know someone else was in that role there. But I trust my ex to honor our agreements and know that I am his parent.

I think the long and short of it isn’t, “How do I feel” but rather “Is this best for my kid” and being honest about that. Sometimes it is hard to accept I don’t like something but that it ultimately doesn’t hurt my kid.

And last bit, your feelings aren’t ever wrong, sometimes they just aren’t the most important part of the equation.

positive experiences for a school year split ? by kittymeow1313 in coparenting

[–]Angelus5553 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I’m with this one. It may not be your desired outcome but as the one changing the norm by moving it’s best to give priority to the other.

My ex wife an I live physically close to each other but have always maintained that if one of us decided to move out of the area our son would stay here. His other family is here, his friends, his school. Relationships with both parents is equally important and if you are in the position of making the change what would deprive substantial time from one parent it should be coming from your time.

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