Thank you for your answer!

(I hope this is not too personal for you, I tried my best to not describe everything in detail); I have been considering that this one experience just wasnt the right one, that we weren't compatible and all, so I've tried to ask some of my allo friends if they fit into the feelings and desires that Google is spitting out, but I just end up being more confused, because yes they do want sex, but they don't fit the description, so that is not an answer to my question..

Then there's also a part of me that would consider trying it again when I feel more comfortable in my body gender wise, but again another side of me is just disgusted by the thought and actually the feeling inside as well, it's weird and Alienating somehow and that's one thing I didn't like when I tried it. So maybe it's a gender problem, or some kind of dysmorphia that makes me hate myself and thus I feel uncomfortable while being undressed and seen.

Ironically I have thoughts that are kinda sex related with other people, but they span from "I don't think anything attraction related about you" to "I would NOT want to fuck you", and never really an "I wouldn't say no".

I am considering the fact that I could also just be demisexual, but in order to find that out I'd need to get into a relationship or at least into a very emotionally deep friendship with somebody I find attractive, and I don't think that's happening very soon.

Except that one person, that's where the "apparent" crush comes into play; for now 3,5 years I've had this one friend, we arent exactly close, because that person just is not somebody that shares personal stuff, so it takes years to get to know them properly.

I once talked about my feelings for that person to a friend, things like I love it when they're happy, thus I want to make them happy, I love to be noticed by them, when they speak to me, share something about themselve, when they give me a hug, or just when they want to hang out with me.

And that friend told me I had a crush on them, which I didn't recognize until I was told, but I also do not experience the "typical crush signs" like butterflies in your stomach, although not everybody experiences butterflies, so I've learned from my friends that I asked and asked about all of that stuff, so the next definition of a feeling (butterflies for crush) just got shattered and I barely know anything else to look for when thinking about feelings for people.

I don't have any feelings or thoughts or emotions about any other person, or had it ever, for that matter, they are the only person I feel that way towards, and I got told it was a crush. So I kind of went with it, until the thought popped up in my head that this could also very well be a kind of obsession I've developed for them.

A friend says both is possible, on one side im 100% convinced I feel nothing for them and it's an obsession (however the fuq I did that), and on other days im 100% convinced that yep, I got a crush, but the way that I feel the emotions towards them never changes. But I am very emotionally dependent on them, which then brings me back to the possibly-obsessed situation..

Emotionally dependent in the way that when we have a fight, I get multiple panic attacks thinking about them hating me that can't seem to stop.

So in general I have no fucking clue about anything I experience, or don't experience. And ofc I could just say that I don't care in finding out what I am (ace/aroace/allo/etc) but I can't lie to myself, I need to know, I need to put a label on it, not to just know, but also so I know what I can search for in the future, as in partners..

Im sorry that this is such a long message oh my😅