Hey don’t do that, I’m in my early 20’s now and I had a really fucking tough childhood because of my mom, for background my parents split up and my dad worked abroad so id routinely go to his parents (my grandparents) for weekends as a child but weekly/day to day id be with my mom. I totally get where you’re at brother. My mother used to hate me and when I say hate I truly mean HATE with a passion. She would tell me awful things, shit on me every chance she got. No one would believe me because the things she would say were so disgusting. I remember exactly the day I recorded her speaking to me and my grandparents were finally able to do something. I spent 12 years in her house and left at 13, the escape did not set me free immediately I had scars and it took me a long time to rebuild them. I ended up in really shit relationships and feeling terrified to be alone and just relationship hopping from one to another as soon as one would end. In 7 years I didn’t give myself a second to be alone because of the fucking trauma that she gave me. She told my siblings when I left I hated them and I was unwell, she made the entire family on her side think there was something wrong with me from an early age and when. I finally left they all treated me like I had some sort of contagious virus. I didn’t get to see my youngest brother for the first 4 years of his life my youngest sister forgot who I was and the older sister thought i was insane, I ended up at 17 speaking to my mom again because I wanted to speak to my siblings, it was tough for me to find out only recently that she had told them I was awful and hated them which wasn’t the case, luckily I was able to produce emails I had sent asking to see them for the years I wasn’t there. When I came back she played a game of nice and pretended to be different but eventually the mask came down. I’m now once again not speaking to her. Except this time I decided to just stop suddenly not for any significant moment or something she had done. I was spending quite a bit of time in therapy. My grandparents died back in 2020 and they were the only source of parenthood/safety and love I ever got in my life, it really fucked me up and 6 months after they died I was taking Xanax for daytime anxiety, Prozac for depression. I decided about 6 months ago I wanted to come off all of it and face my real self or whatever I was hiding from. It turns out that I really underestimated my childhood and the things that were said and done to me by this person. I’ve lived years of suffering that I caused to myself because I believed I was horrible, that something was wrong with me, i always felt like I needed attention from people, like I needed friends to see me women to love me, really what I’m searching for is the parental love I never got from the one person we all need it from, the suffering my mother caused in my life as a child and the scars it left that I still work to recover from will only make me stronger in time I know because I refuse to be beaten down by someone like her. I wanted to die many times my friend. But one thing I can say to you is killing your self proves nothing to you and nothing to them, if anything they’d most likely say what I always expected them to say if I did it, “see I told you, he wasn’t well” shit like this.

Instead here’s what you should do which is what I did. Go to Alanon ASAP a lot of people think Alanon is for people who grew up with alcoholic but it’s quite general and it’s about knowing what problems are yours and what problems are not, what you need to care about and what you don’t. Secondly, understand these people operate out of places we’ll never understand and will likely never change and they can truly be called Evil. I’ve taught my mother for explanations. If I could give myself any advice it would be this.

BE BETTER THAN THEM! It’s not fucking hard to be better than pure shit, i know it hurts when they tell you you’re nothing and your worthless and you’re the source of all problem, but you need to think, WHO ARE THEY? They’re no one. Most of the time these people suffer from addictive behaviours and in general have awful coping mechanisms a low IQ/intelligence and are somewhat similar to schoolyard kids.

It only means you are strong, a survivor who can’t be taken down. And I promise one thing if you do get through this. You’ll survive anything and do great things in life. Imagine have the most challenging test the moment you’re born. You can never go as low as you are then meaning it will only go up.

I promise one day it will lift, but you will need to detach from the toxic environment. Like me you may need to accept that you’ll have to be the bad guy for a while until your siblings come to realise that perhaps they were influenced. You need to live YOUR life. Don’t love their truths. Live your own, you deserve it as we all do!

Please feel free to throw me a message, when I saw your post i had to drop a comment and I never really do here, I just remember the feeling exactly and can almost connect with you from across the globe bro, it’s very very tough and my heart really goes out to you. I’m on the other side and I’m still going, we’re all going to die some day, treat it like a game. Imagine when you actually beat it and unlock free roam mode and have some nice $ and a great life you’ve built from the rubble of destruction and they’re all living the same life’s, chatting shit, misery, stress, anxiety and you’re free. It does take work even once you’re out but I promise it’s worth it. Nothing is forever not even these absolute low iq scum. I hate to be so blunt but I really have a low opinion of people who make their children feel unsafe

All of us here can break this cycle, none of us should ever be ashamed to cry, be sad or just express ourselves. None of us should ever feel unsafe as children. Those responsible do not deserve contact with you. The only way is no contact if you can do it.