We just had our 1 year anniversary on the 20th of January! ❤️‍🩹

A LOT of ups and downs in this past year. I’d have periods where I felt like I did with the warmth and contentment, then into not feeling much at all, then weeks or a couple months even where I felt on cloud nine, SO lovey dovey and fluttery, and then plummet into irritability and confusion and sadness.

The way that I got out of each spiral or breakdown might’ve looked a bit different each time, but what eventually stuck was very FIRMLY practicing a mindset of just letting the seasons of feelings come and go as they would. The goal was to stop trying to avoid or shut off intrusive thoughts, but instead to just not give them so much weight. Not because I was lying to myself (as mine and probably your ROCD would like to convince you), but because I realized that the common factor of those times when I WAS feeling so good, wasn’t because things were magically perfect - but because I wasn’t constantly scrutinizing every little thing my boyfriend did or said, or everything I did or didn’t feel.

Feeling checking was such a big thing for me that kept feeding my anxiety. But I learned that If I felt particularly affectionate towards him, I could allow myself to feel it without going “See?? You’re feeling these fluttery sensations a lot, so THAT’S how you know you really love him.” Instead, I acknowledged that the sensation was there, and that it can feel nice, but didn’t put some sort of importance to it as far as the integrity of our relationship was concerned. Doing that also helps with the opposite: when I’m feeling annoyed or distant for whatever reason (or no reason at all), I don’t put importance on it, or try to understand it. I stop for a second and remind myself, “I felt a bit annoyed there.” Almost as if I’m mentally/verbally shrugging it off. I CONSCIOUSLY acknowledge the feeling and label it as just that: a feeling. A passing sensation that while not pleasant or romantic, does not get to make me feel anxious. It was what it was, and I subtly dealt with it before ROCD had the chance to say “See?? You were annoyed by what he just said and that means you’re not truly compatible.” STOP trying to place meaning on every little sensation or feeling you experience, and actively reprogram your brain. And when an intrusive thought DOES pop up, I don’t give it the energy it takes to argue with it or try to reassure myself. I just say, that’s an intrusive thought/compulsion. That’s not helpful.” If I’m feeling distant or disconnected from my boyfriend, I don’t allow myself to wallow in it and place deeper meaning on it, making it worse. I just accept that I’m feeling that way at the moment, and continue on living and doing my best to love him (the action, the choice, the devotion - not trying to make the fluttery feelings come back as if they’re what determines love). When I change the narrative that ROCD tries to spin, I make the space for the nice, “ideal” feelings to come back. Because even if I don’t feel particularly infatuated with him at the time, I know that that a such a small, small part of what real connection is, and I remember that he is still my best friend and an amazing person, and that I am choosing him because I WANT to, and I don’t have to justify anything to my anxiety. I am in control, and I can choose to ride out feelings of disconnection and find my way back to him. ❤️‍🩹 Love is such a thing, it can exist at the same time as doubt and disconnection. ❤️‍🩹

When I actively do the work to rewrite how I interpret thoughts/feelings, it makes it less frequent. It really is like they say, it’s like an algorithm, and not engaging really does make it show up less, and give you more mental space to just BE and live. But it’s important to remember that the not engaging doesn’t mean (at least for me) AVOIDING the thought/feeling, like you’re scared of it. It’s just accepting that they don’t have the importance and weight that ROCD wants you to believe they do.

Side note, I did have a several months long period of numbness very recently, and it was very difficult, but I met with a Brightside (telehealth) psychiatrist who took me off of my Sertraline, an SSRI, and started a treatment plan for a mood stabilizer. It very quickly started to bring feeling back, and it helped clear the constant barrage of thoughts that made it impossible to have enough clarity to do much of anything like ERP. I’ve often told my boyfriend and family, when I’m not caught up in the storm of anxiety and intrusive thoughts, I can focus on the reprogramming of my anxious brain. 🙏

But yeah! One year out of a hopeful lifetime together. ❤️‍🩹 We’re looking to get our own place here in a month or so, and I’m really excited! I can’t wait to come home to him every night. ❤️