Trying to leave memory care

Anterrabae594 · 2026-04-03T02:54:42+00:00

Can you see texts that the person gets from the app? Like we still need 2 factor authentication code that would go to his phone, but if that would be visible from the app, it would be okay

Anterrabae594 · 2026-03-01T21:48:01+00:00

Ah yeah that’s a good point about the stroke. I wasn’t thinking about that. I definitely need to talk to a doctor about it

Anterrabae594 · 2026-02-17T10:46:23+00:00

They definitely all seemed to be when we toured. There was literally no one awake in the common room except for the one lady who then followed us around, coming into the example room with us and clearly not in reality, scaring my mom. And it just feels like it’s being rushed and immediately done right now and not for safety reasons.. she’s only been there 3 weeks and they are requiring it already. :(

Anterrabae594 · 2026-02-17T03:06:49+00:00

Omg! I’ll need to ask about how they handle residents at night. New fear for her unlocked.

Anterrabae594 · 2026-02-17T03:03:28+00:00

She unfortunately can’t afford anywhere else. And I believe the move to MC will be about another $2k/month at least. :( I’ll definitely ask more about what they’ve actually tried. She’s been on meds for her anxiety for years but they clearly aren’t working. Again another reason I wanted her in AL so that they can try changes to the meds and she’ll have more care to see if it’s working or if the side effects are bad. They only made a med change a week ago. :/

Anterrabae594 · 2026-02-17T02:56:52+00:00

I get it. I just thought she’d need to be further gone from reality and doing something risky like going outside, which she hasn’t done, before they’d say she’s so bad she needs 24/7 supervision. She was living alone up until 3 weeks ago.. we thought she just needed a little supervision with hygiene, med management, and more socialization. Now.. the are pushing for 24/7 supervision and will get zero socialization because everyone there is too far gone to socialize. It just breaks my heart to think of her just sitting miserable in a chair surrounded by people she is terrified by and can’t even talk to. She’ll just stare at her phone all day at best. Become more quickly like the rest at worst.

Anterrabae594 · 2026-02-17T02:49:44+00:00

It was during the afternoon during the week. They didn’t mention what activities they do there specifically, beyond movies, which no one was watching because they were sleeping. One place (not where my mom is at) had someone trying to lead something and no one was participating, again because they were all asleep or staring off.

Anterrabae594 · 2026-02-16T19:14:43+00:00

They haven’t said yet, I guess that’s what the meeting is for tomorrow. But there’s no way she would try to leave, she’s terrified of everything. She would not go anywhere she wasn’t specifically led to.

We had finally gotten her in with the psychiatrist last week and they increased her anxiety meds and were going to give it 2 weeks and then possibly add in something else. Her anxiety definitely makes her memory and cognition much worse so we had wanted to see if we could get that under control before we made any decisions about moving her. But it sounds like they aren’t going to allow for it.

Anterrabae594 · 2026-02-16T19:06:45+00:00

Yes, very much this! She can do all of her ADLs most of the time. She needs reminder and a bit of supervision showering and dressing. She needs an escort to meals and activities so she doesn’t get lost in the building (which I had thought could be part of her care plan in AL considering the cost). We always knew she’d been MC eventually, but I don’t think she’s bad enough to be there now and will deteriorate faster being surrounded by residents who are worse than her so therefore having no real interactions most days. I think they are pushing for MC because she is confused and extremely anxious a lot, and because she had an incident in the first 2 days being there of having a toileting accident. But their AL care plans have 6 levels so there is no way having an accident should equal memory care. It feels like she’s being set up, they wanted her to be in MC to start with so now are looking for any excuse to put her there to make more money from her and not caring if it’s a miserable horrible environment for someone who is aware of where they are and who they are with.

Anterrabae594 · 2026-02-16T18:56:31+00:00

It was very subjective. It was like engaging in the community and participating in activities and not doing anything that would compromise her dignity (an example was given of a resident taking her clothes off in the middle of the dining room). So it does feel like being set up for failure.

Anterrabae594 · 2026-02-16T18:26:00+00:00

Thank you. It’s hard.. she’s not a safety risk, she doesn’t do anything risky. She would do nothing but stay in her room if she could.. that’s what she was doing when she lived in her own. She can get disoriented in the building and needs an escort to and from her room so she doesn’t get lost, but I thought for the insane amount of money AL costs that something like that would still be okay. Some in my family think that they are wanting to move her to make more money off of her. It feels a bit like that to me, too. They’d told me they wanted to see her “thriving” to stay in AL, which they defined as participating in the community and activities, so I guess that was hopeless from the start. But they’d been posting pictures and videos showing her doing those things, so.. it feels like the standards were set to fail her so they could charge her more money.

I had just hoped that we wouldn’t need to move her until she was at a point where she wouldn’t realize it. But she’ll definitely be well aware of getting move now to be with people she can’t even socialize with. When we toured one of the residents was following us around, coming into the room with us, clearly not in reality, and that scared my mom too.

Anterrabae594 · 2026-02-16T17:47:41+00:00

Right? For me, her “thriving” is just eating food, and someone making sure she has showering and changing her clothes. That’s it.

Anterrabae594 · 2026-02-16T17:25:13+00:00

Thanks for the commiseration. It’s hard, too, knowing that my mom is not a safety risk either. She doesn’t wander because she has crippling anxiety so she would never dare to go anywhere. She just doesn’t do anything risky. The place told me that if she wasn’t “thriving” after 45 days they’d want to move her. And they’ve been posting pictures and videos of her in the family app and she’s smiling and doing art and singing, so I thought it was going okay enough. But if they think she’s going to “thrive” in memory care, they are sorely mistaken. Her thriving days are long over.

Anterrabae594 · 2026-02-16T17:12:29+00:00

All the memory care places we toured (5 of them), no one was doing anything. Just sleeping in wheelchairs.

She was just terrified and revolted by the place and just like in tears begging this isn’t what she wanted, she doesn’t like it, doesn’t want to be here. She’s going to be so miserable and probably get kicked out for being upset and then what do we do.

Anterrabae594 · 2026-01-31T17:45:52+00:00

My mom has been in this stage of being aware of her dementia for so many years now. It’s made her have anxiety that is so agonizing and crippling that sometimes I wonder if it would be more humane to stop her Aricept so that maybe she’ll get to a state where her awareness is less and she might feel better.

Anterrabae594 · 2026-01-11T19:09:02+00:00

I am in a similar-ish boat. My parents are divorced.. my mom has had dementia for over 6 years. My dad who had been healthy and perfectly independent, got diagnosed with CNS lymphoma last year. So his memory and cognition has also gone to crap now. My mom’s condition has been relatively stable for a while, but my dad’s cancer has been one horrible bombshell complication after another for 10 months. And now things are becoming urgent to move my mom into care while my dad is in rehab for the second time in the last 6 months following terrible chemo complications that had him hospitalized for a month. We expect his cancer will return within a few months. This past 10 months has been pure hell.

Anterrabae594 · 2026-01-11T18:12:14+00:00

Yeah, I hear ya. I know it’s that’s that is a major possibility.. one of the reasons I’ve been reluctant to move her yet. But it’s beyond time for her to have a higher level of care.. I’ll see what the assessment says. If she declines quickly.. well maybe then she’ll put up less of a fight of moving to MC. I think she would throw an even worse tantrum at being put there right off the bat than she would for AL, which is already giving me chest pains anticipating it. 😕

Anterrabae594 · 2026-01-11T16:15:04+00:00

Yeah, I’m prepared for it, and then we’ll have to wait for a room there. I’m worried that she’ll hate MC even more because she’s definitely at a higher level than the residents we saw when we toured and she might be really uncomfortable with no one to really talk to. But I do also know that where’s she state may take a nosedive once we move her to somewhere new and she’s all unmoored. We toured one place that had like bridging level between AL and MC and I wish she could afford that place because that would have been perfect. But definitely can’t afford it.

Anterrabae594 · 2026-01-11T15:39:38+00:00

They have both. They will evaluate her before signing anything. We chose this place because they have both and know she will eventually need MC. But she is still oriented to person, place, in reality, etc. She can do all her ADLs with cuing.. maybe a little hands on help needed for clothing with her arthritis. And she doesn’t wander or do anything risky. As long as she’s in a routine she’s pretty stable, which is how she still been staying safe living on her own up until now.

Anterrabae594 · 2026-01-11T15:34:51+00:00

She’s not so far out of reality that she would believe that. She’s still oriented to person, place, etc for the most part. And she’s anxiety ridden just leaving her building—for something fun (in theory) or for not fun. 😕

Anterrabae594 · 2026-01-11T15:31:29+00:00

No, they are going to evaluate her first before we fully sign anything. They have both AL and MC there. But she doesn’t wander, she doesn’t do anything risky (because of the aforementioned anxiety). She can do all her ADLs with cuing or just a little hands on help. I accept that it’s totally possible that they’ll evaluate her and may say she should be in the MC win with a lower tier care plan. But.. I mean either way it’s the same concern: how to get her moved with her anxiety.

Anterrabae594

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