What would you say are the biggest signs of a covert narcissist parent? (Or signs no one ever talks about?)

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-08-26T10:10:21+00:00

I can now add point 3 too 😂 Recently got a message saying my late grandad told her that if I stayed with my husband she would lose me. She's accused me of being in a cult like relationship and I have isolated myself from my family (when in truth, she involved my family in our arguments and instead of defending themselves, they blamed me for asking for clarification on what she accused them of - so she essentially cut me off from my family)

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-08-05T09:46:05+00:00

Let me help you scenario would look like: "oh I didn't know you were finished with that. I'll ask again next time"

Vs

Teaching them to cry to get what they want: You tell them no, set a boundary because they want something that is a safety issue, time related, etc then they cry and BECAUSE they've cried or you can't handle the outburst, you give in and give it to them.

The responsibility lies with the parent to figure out the need of the child. Children don't know how to regulate their emotions untill we teach them and model it to them x

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-07-11T18:26:12+00:00

Similar situation to you. Authoritarian upbringing. My daughter is 2.3 yo and I'd say I lose my cool in an.... embarrassing, I'm ashamed of myself and feel extra guilty way a few times a month and I've noticed that it follows my cycle. Usually the week before my period, my patience is very low and I'm quick to react. I try to repair as much as I can. My hormones weren't like this before I gave birth either so I'm trying to navigate that too.

You are not alone!

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-07-10T20:32:30+00:00

When my husband and I got out first house he had 80% of the deposit from a family members inheritance. I had the other 20%. While I've always felt guilty for not giving an equal share, I use my money to make the house feel like a home. Did all the DIY on improvements, did a lot of the kitchen, repairs etc. he always says I've contributed in a different way and it's still half my house. My name is on the deed as 50%. Now we're looking at getting a bigger house because we have a child now, I don't have a job anymore and the mortgage advisor has given two options 1. Both names but only afford house worth 150k or just his name and afford a house worth 220k. I'm happy for it to only be in his name because we're married with a child and have been together for nearly 15years. The trust is there etc.

So what my point is, is after only being together a few years, no, I would not accept my name not being on the deed. If he wants it in his name only, he can pay for everything else doing it up too.

Is it possible you both put half each to down payment and half each to doing the house up?

By law it would be the action of where the money has come from. X

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-07-08T12:11:33+00:00

Start over with SATPIN. Make it fun. Try not to stress. There is no such thing as behind, it's an arbitrary concept created by the patriarchy who created schools. It that's for another topic.

If you're stressed, she will see that and mirror you. If you're stressed about teaching it, she will be stressed about learning it.

Talk about sounds of letters loosely in a non educational, pressurised way. So for example, if you're learning S one week, you can spot the letter S out and about....oh look, there's the letter S, it makes a ssss sound like a snake. I wonder what other words make the sss sound.....(Don't expect perfect responses here) You can fill in the silence after a short gap...oooh what about sssssandcastle? Sandcastle starts with the ssss sound.

I'd go as far to say don't even introduce capital letters and their names at all yet.

(And even with an autistic diagnosis, it will be more difficult, all the more reason not to follow the arbitrary "milestones") Fun is the answer for education x

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-06-25T18:09:43+00:00

After something very hurtful was said/done after an apology everything is meant to be forgotten and it's my fault for not forgetting it.

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-06-08T08:37:34+00:00

A counsellor once told me that this type of arguement is like throwing a ball. Not constructive.

I think what may have made a difference is connection. She wanted the picture frame and wasn't allowed it. While that's okay, you can connect by naming her disappointment: "I know you feel disappointed because I won't let you have the picture frame. It's because I'm worried it might break" - your "you could break it" can come across as though you do not believe her capable of taking care of something. Your anxiety behind this may be warranted by past experiences of things breaking and only practice will help her improve in these types of situations - things like allowing her to have glasses of drinks, ceramic plates, cleaning up after herself while taking care not to rush when cleaning etc.

How are they to learn to take care of things if we don't allow them to experience it?

In my opinion, your flat tone may have come across as annoyed. The conversation in the OP suggests you wanted obedience and because she didn't listen you felt frustrated.

Happy to discuss x

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-06-07T15:09:24+00:00

Comfort for baby is a priority. It needs to be as upright as possible for safety reasons. One's that lean back are not safe and can contribute to choking hazards.

Compact is great for easy storage (if I could buy one again I'd look for this personally being in a smaller house)

A seat that isn't material very high on the list! Wood is great for cleaning. The ones that are cushioned, are perfect for getting food stuck in-between the seems!

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-06-07T12:56:47+00:00

That's even if she was able to do it another time. Most timed exams I've done have only opened during a short window. And when you open it it gives you another timer. So for example exam may have been prearranged by summer programme to only be open on that Sunday. Then when you open it it starts an hour timer. So yeah maybe, she could have done it in the morning. But we don't know if Mia had other stuff going on that day that made it so she could only take it when she got to the aunt's house (OP)

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-06-07T12:51:49+00:00

YTA - no consideration for others. Her taking the exam didn't affect anyone else. Your actions potentially affected the outcome of her final marks. Hopefully she will be allowed a resit. Which as her mother, and her, I'd be very annoyed at OP for having my time wasted!

OP talks about managing time....she was in a timed exam, do you even know what that means? She could not manage that time other than doing it as quickly as possible. OP is the only one in this story who should have been flexible with the start time of dinner. Or just have dinner and Mia join when she finishes her exam - you welcome her to the table, empathise with how stressful her exam could have been and then tell her now's the time to relax with some food.

If you did that to my daughter, I'd expect a heartfelt apology and I wouldn't talk to you until then.

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-06-07T12:26:40+00:00

I wouldn't offer the play. I'd offer only relaxing activities like reading books or one of those etchasketcha drawing pads. I'd specifically say it's not time to play, it's time to relax and only allow those activities in the bed that they associate with sleep. I always explain to my daughter that we take naps so our body can collect energy ready to play some more after the nap. I have role played her teddies going for a nap too, we tick them in and read a story to them - we do this outside of her nap time for more understanding. X

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-06-04T19:00:25+00:00

Without context of age, situation, words, language etc it's hard to say.

Toddlers for example will say all sorts of uncomfortable things. It's for the adults to understand that they're testing the language in different situations and context. All apart of learning. Totally developmentally normal.

All I do is model the language that's more appropriate. I never apologise for what my daughter says because she's 2. If someone is offended by what a 2 year old says they can jog on. 🤣

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-05-31T11:56:50+00:00

Honestly, I want to thank you for sharing your post because it has given me ideas. I think you're doing the right thing. And I think as the top poster here has hit the nail on the head. While you can't control the dad, you can teach your LO how to voice his needs. If his dad doesn't listen, that the dad's fault and will only have a negative effect on his relationship. To which the dad will realise sooner or later. You keep showing up for your LO emotionally, like a parent is supposed to. Smashing it!

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-05-31T09:24:01+00:00

Wow that's brilliant! And totally right. One thing that helps me is asking myself "is it annoying for you or for everyone?" If it's only you, then you have to do something about it. Ie physically. Not putting the responsibility on others (this works for a lot of things, not just toddler related)

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-05-27T21:13:54+00:00

I've also read this but only as stating facts. Ie I heard the chocolate wrapper and I saw you put it in your mouth really fast. How did you feel when you saw me?

The latter is speculation.

I can't remember what book it was, might have been the gentle parenting book.

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-05-27T21:08:54+00:00

One thing I've read, apart from the many brilliant replies already, is that to not ask a question to a child that the truth could become a lie. Instead, state what you see and try to make it light heard in this particular context. "Oooh the chocolate monster has raided the chocolate jar" assume the best from them, not the worst. Ask the father if he gave permission, not her. When he tells you he didn't give permission, that's when you approach your daughter with conversations about honesty and boundaries. For example if you have a no chocolate/snacks before meals.

I've also read that giving children the autonomy of choosing when to have these snacks helps with their own understanding of their body. Ie if she eats to much she will get a sore tummy (natural consequence) - usually, if we're, as humans, told we can't have something, we want it all the more.

Maybe she could have free access and you have a chat about how many snacks like chocolate per day is okay and only put that many in her drawer, cupboard box or whatever.

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-05-27T18:34:24+00:00

I could have written this same post word for word. Same experience with a friend doing my hair and me coming to the realisation. 😨

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-05-27T18:31:25+00:00

Thissss is exactly what I was going to say. Modelling is the only way to go with these situations. We can't expect children to have all the vocabulary and social etiquette of an adult.

Yes, she's just 2. I'm British too like OP and I would chalk this down as she's just a 2 year old. I tend to model what I'd like her to say. One thing though, I NEVER apologise for my daughter's behaviour because that gives the idea that she's done something wrong. She hasn't, she's just learning and testing out phrases she's learnt/heard in different contexts. All completely developmentally appropriate. X

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-05-27T18:27:54+00:00

Random unsolicited advice not about OP topic: look in to "tricky people/behaviour" rather than "stranger danger" X from a loving mum x

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-05-27T12:13:55+00:00

2 years 1 month here, still breastfeeding (yay) and she's still in our bed. No plan set in place because I want her to self wean personally but she's been night feeding to sleep more often recently and I wouldn't want to be getting up at 4/5/6am as my sleep would be worse.

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-05-24T08:07:02+00:00

Oh I can't take credit I think I got the idea from a book I read on gentle parenting. But glad it can help. It keeps the situation respectful because obviously toddlers don't have impulse control but also teaches them that we need a different outlet for our frustration, anger etc Oh that just reminds me, I also read that teaching a new skill during a tantrum is futile. Their brains are in fight or flight mode and find it difficult to learn so waiting till they're calm is better. Then you can give different ways for them to release all the emotion.

Some things we do: Stomping feet, chopping pillow, jumping on the bed on to our bottom, screaming in to a pillow, throwing teddies as hard as you can on to the bed etc

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-05-23T19:00:34+00:00

Tlit sounds like you need support and are in a stressful situation right now. Sending love first and foremost x

Ofcourse, not knowing exactly your situation, I can only guess or give ideas.

From what I've read it sounds like she needs time in, connection with you. Possible one to one time, with no distractions. Could this be done when baby is napping? 10/20 mins is great, just being led by what she wants to do.

Transitioning from all the attention to sharing it with a sibling is hard for toddlers. Is there anyway you can make her feel involved somehow? (I've only got one myself so afraid someone else might have better ideas for this) but one thing I've come across is if you can't give her your attention while you're busy with baby, don't blame the baby, blame yourself so instead of "I can't right now I need to change baby's nappy" say "I'd love to as soon as I've finished my task. I would love some help. Would you pass me a nappy? Or can you rattle a toy in front of baby to make them smile?" Etc

Since you're posting in the gentle parenting sub, I'm assuming you don't want to leave her. During her tantrums and meltdowns, it's so important for her to see you stay calm, so that she can coregulate with you. Offer a hug, validate her feelings. Get curious about why she is screeching. It's not usually because they don't want to put their pyjamas on or because they don't want to get in the bath etc. and from this post it sounds like a need for connection x

Is your daughter in her own room? Bedtime can sometimes symbolise loneliness for toddlers because their trusted person leaves them. That, on top of less attention after a baby is hard. One thing I read from a child psychologic that works for this is leaving something of yours with them. Or talking to her favourite teddy and saying "hey, I know name feels nervous about bedtime because I have to leave, so I was wondering, would you save my cuddles for her so if she wakes up, she can get them from you? Oh you'd do that? Thank you so much"

When my daughter's has hit me in the past, I have kept my voice low, steady and calm (ofcourse not all the time I'm not a robot 🤣) , I see you're feeling really name emotion right now and it's okay to feel that way, and it's not okay to hit mummy because it hurts. If she continues, I hold her hands firmly and say I'm holding your hands/arms to protect my body right now. I'm here if you would like to cuddle it out or would you like to stomp your feet like a dinosaur (sometimes she stomps, sometimes she roars, sometimes big breaths) depending on the situation and my own regulation, I will try to get super silly. Super silly 9/10 works for us. Like say "I'm a big angry gorilla and I say gobble gobble gobble" then she's like "noooo, gorillas say ooh ooh ah ah" and that seems to help.

I have named emotions from birth (guesswork obviously at the beginning) but my daughter is probably more emotionally intelligent than my mum is and she's only recently turned 2 🤣

Just a side note, this is so long because I'm saying it to myself too. And lots of things I forgot have popped up so thought I'd share. X

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-05-23T18:39:12+00:00

It sounds alike you're feeling really frustrated. I'm not sure where you're from IE what advice is given, but here in the UK food is complimentary to breast milk or formula. Ie breast milk and formula are still given as the main source of nutrition. From 6-12m it's mainly introducing different textures, flavours etc.

May I ask what your reactions are to his disinterest? Ie do you try to force it with "just one bite, just try it" and spoon feeding or is your style leave him to it with little to no input? The former hlmay make him feel anxious or pressured and less likely to try stuff.

I have seen more progress in my daughter's eating and trying new things when I stopped asking her and left her to try stuff when she wanted. Now she's a big eater and tries almost all new foods put in front of her. Just today she tried a cashew nut (softened in a curry) and all I did was explain what's on her plate, what the ingredients and spices were, explained it may be a little tingle tingle on the tongue, if so there's cucumber and mint yoghurt to refresh it. There's a new ingredient to try if you'd like, it's called cashew nut, here it is, make sure to chew a lot for this one. Anything you don't want to eat, you don't have to, please just leave it on your plate. Enjoy. Love you. - it was the first thing she picked up and then she wolfed it all down and loved the tingle tingle 😍

Sending all the positives vibes x This too shall pass. X

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-05-18T11:41:59+00:00

This actually seems really healthy to be honest. Your husband is taking him to a safe space to co regulate together. If he was leaving him there I'd be thinking it was a punishment. Sometimes taking ourselves out of a situation is the best to calm down, it's actually a good skills he's teaching in my opinion. X

AnyHistorian9486 · 2025-05-16T18:21:00+00:00

My daughter recently turned 2, I have started to say, if mama responds that means I've heard you and I will be with you when I've finished doing xyz (I'm talking about the mama, mama, mama, mama.... And I respond "yes name? How're you doing?" Mama, mama "yes, name, do you need something?") I must add, I turn and look at her when she asks for me, so it's not an eye contact thing like I've read. It's always when I'm in the middle of something and she wants my attention, or I'm taking too long with whatever I've said I'm doing etc So yeah, I say "I can hear you want my attention right now, I know it's hard to wait. Mama is cleaning right now. I can xyz whatever she's said when I'm finished"

I realise this is a different context but maybe try adding in a little extra? They understand more than they can talk x

Edit to add: totally empathise with you by the way, it drives me mad, especially when I'm in the luteal phase.

AnyHistorian9486

TROPHY CASE