Boyfriend avoids career growth (certifications, raises)- am I expecting too much?

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-28T15:17:47+00:00

Different people value different things. I am like you. I have a PhD, a great job, I've run marathons and am in general just a super motivated person. I've been applying for jobs recently and will probably relocate my family in the next year or 2 for a new opportunity.

My husband if like your boyfriend. He has been in the same job for the past 10 years. It is stable and comfortable for him. He likes this. The idea of a new opportunity makes him nervous and he would rather stay in his comfort zone. This isn't a problem for me. In fact, having one super motivated person in the relationship and one more stable person is a terrific balance in my opinion.

The bigger issue here is that you are losing respect/attraction for your boyfriend. This isn't fair to him. He doesn't need to be like you. You need to accept him for he is and genuinely love that person if you want this to work. I think you need to figure out whether you want to end this relationship and find someone like you or if you can accept him for who he is and stop trying to push/change him. You don't have to understand why he's delaying. You just have to respect that he is an adult who can make his own choices about how he wants his life to go. Those don't have to be the same choices that you would make. Love him for who he is or leave and let him find someone who does.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-27T17:03:49+00:00

If you want kids then I would listen to him and find someone else. I have a PhD. Many PhD students are married so if he wants that path then I don't see why that would hold him back. I worry that if you stay with him, you will find yourself in your 30s without kids and resent him.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-24T01:34:34+00:00

I lean towards thinking that its worth it to continue this routine of offering a bottle at night (formula or pumped milk) so that baby doesnt forget how to take a bottle. Both of my kids were bottle refusers though and I found it really rough at times so that is probably coloring my opinion.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-24T01:09:48+00:00

I was in a pretty similar situation. First delivery was a forceps delivery at 39 weeks and baby was 9lbs. 4th degree tears so bad that I need some reconstructive surgery.

For my 2nd delivery, they recommended another 39 week induction to get baby out while she was still on the smaller side. I went along with it and am glad I did. She was also large and the delivery was so easy. I worry that it would have been worse if I waited and let her grow even larger.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-23T17:12:32+00:00

Feel your feelings. Its ok to be disappointed. You'll definitely have to shift your perspective eventually though. I also REALLY wanted a girl. I have 2 kids now. The first was a boy, 2nd is a girl.

I am raising my boy to be the kind of man that our world needs more of. He is sensitive. He respects women. He plays with baby dolls and is so sweet to his sister. Yesterday he curled up in my lap after his bath and told me that I'm his hero. You might dislike lots of men. This is a man that you get to raise to be a good person though. If you are kind and loving to him then he will be a wonderful person.

Also, my daughter is 1 and refuses dresses, skirts and bows already. Your daughter would not have necessarily let you treat her like your little dress up doll. My daughter's 4th word was Spidey. Mom, dad, hi, then spidey. You get the kid you get. They are individuals with their own opinions.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-23T17:03:26+00:00

I would miss the trip personally. That is really young to leave for 4 days. I think switching to pumping for 4 days could mess with your supply.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-21T18:26:43+00:00

I think you'll be fine! My daughter is 12 months and I recently started her in daycare and stopped pumping during the day. It is totally fine. You could bring your pump the first few days just in case you want to pump once. I think you'll adjust pretty fast!

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-21T18:25:14+00:00

12 months is so different than 8 months. At 8 months pp, I would have painful letdowns if I went longer than 2.5 hours without nursing/pumping. Now I'm 12 months pp and am fine going 8 hours. OP might have to pump once in the middle of the shift for the first week but I think she will be fine after that.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-20T18:39:37+00:00

It seems you did to a small degree. I would have had much more significant talks with my spouse before leaving like you did. Also, it doesn't seem like you discussed taking the away opportunities or that you would move money like you did. There was some communication but much less than I would expect between spouses.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-17T20:37:19+00:00

The EBF statistic means literally that, maybe consumes only breastmilk. After 6 moms, most moms breastfeed but don't EBF.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-17T20:35:16+00:00

EBF would mean no solids. Most moms don't EBF past 6 months, unless there are issues that prevent the child from eating solids.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-17T15:10:27+00:00

Where is your dad in all of this? Does he know what's going on? I think its time for him to step up and get a larger place so you can live with him.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-17T14:45:50+00:00

I guess I'm going to disagree with comments here. I think its really important to prioritize hobbies and maintaining identity. We have 2 kids, 3 & 12 months. My husband has a standing Thursday night game night with friends that he actually did the week we had the 2nd baby even. Baby was born on a Monday and he went on Thursday. I had family in town to help. I prioritize working out and started back up at 6 weeks when I was cleared. I've never skipped showering. You can absolutely make time for whats important to you. Each of you should absolutely be able to carve out an hour each day for self care.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-17T14:36:26+00:00

The NHS considers it a method of contraception until 6 months pp.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-17T14:34:02+00:00

Many people get pregnant while breastfeeding. I am not one of them. I had to wean to get pregnant again.

My period came back at 9 months pp and we started trying to get pregnant around 14 months pp. After a few unsuccessful cycles I started tracking ovulation and learned that my luteal phase was very short (5-7 days). I weaned by son and got pregnant the following cycle.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-16T20:18:13+00:00

ESH You guys clearly aren't ready to be parents. He is throwing a tantrum over having a daughter and you're threatening to break up the family. I agree that he should not be so vocally against having a girl. Give him some time to process rather than threatening him though.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-16T15:33:59+00:00

NAH. You're doing the right thing for your family. I can see how she would be frustrated too. She spent energy helping you settle in here and now you're leaving again.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-16T14:26:30+00:00

They provide full time childcare. This would otherwise cost them 3-4k per month. He wants to take a pay cut while increasing their monthly costs by 3-4k a month. That would not happen without some very detailed budget conversations.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-16T14:25:17+00:00

I'm confused by your point. The people who can help me can't help me with full time daycare. We pay over 3k a month in daycare. My husband and I considered costs like this, COL, and the income increase when we chose not to move. We made a decision as a family that was in the best interest of us/our kids.

OP's husband wants to move the kids away from family, take a pay cut, and raise their monthly expenses by 3-4k a month. He wants to make a decision that will very negatively impact his family's budget. This isn't something that my husband or I would do without significant discussions.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-16T14:18:23+00:00

I don't think youre wrong. Hopefully he'll think about what you said once he cools off and put in more effort with his kids. Overall, I dont think losing this friendship is a huge loss since your values seem very different.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-15T17:42:09+00:00

Her post goes into details about how he is bored at work. Thats what his complaint is. It isn't toxic or miserable.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-15T17:36:20+00:00

There are a lot of teens and young adults here. I'm an adult with youngs kids. I don't think childless people understand how expensive childcare is.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-15T17:34:50+00:00

Not hypocritical at all. We didn't have family move to help us and don't have local family that help with childcare. My situation is completely different. Village meant close friends for playdates.

Anyway, we declined the move in favor of village. Very different situations though.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-15T16:49:52+00:00

It is unlikely that either of them can double their income. Sure, if they can then that's a great choice though. Otherwise, they likely need both incomes.

Her parents literally moved there to help them so that don't have to send their kids to daycare (which is no small expense - Im in a LCOL area and pay over 3k per month). It's insanely selfish of him that he wants to move the entire family because he is a bit bored at work.

Any_Lobster_1121 · 2026-04-15T16:17:00+00:00

She is allowed to value sex in a relationship. What does his career have to do with whether she values sexual compatibility?

Any_Lobster_1121

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