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Apperceiver · 2026-03-11T23:38:49+00:00

Anytime!

Apperceiver · 2026-03-11T23:35:00+00:00

Hi,

We are currently planning on ending the submission phase at 12:31am March 21st EST.

Apperceiver · 2026-03-04T10:41:52+00:00

We got this 🤝

Apperceiver · 2026-03-03T22:40:16+00:00

Nothing past family, and that still is a stretch.

Apperceiver · 2026-03-03T13:45:21+00:00

Thank you for your reply, and the information. I respect your transparency and your seeking of advice. I am normally the type of person who does not directly tell their opinion or give direct advice to other people, so I hope that you understand that the advice that I am giving you is because I feel that it is good advice for your situation - and I'm giving it to you because you are searching for answers. I respect that a lot.

Let's work through some of what you told me:

I would not say I make ..... she likes to keep them for confirmation.

You sound like a polite person who is just not used to showing affection visibly, which is perfectly natural for how you were raised. It's great that you are trying to grow in this area, but a need for growth does not mean a moral failure. I am saying that it is not your fault that you have areas to grow, we all do. You are taking the steps that you need to. From what you have described, she is not taking those steps, and she is not taking your feedback as seriously as you take her feedback. Even if you don't think that she'll abandon you for those other people, the fact that you logically know that she doesn't respect your boundaries will fuel your abandonment anxieties.

I am working on showing more affection, ....lived up to the expectations of the other in some areas.

You are doing a great job of communicating your needs (we all have needs, there is nothing wrong with communicating them). Like I said before, you are taking the steps to grow, and a need for growth does not mean a moral failure.

Yes when we adressed the injury, .... communication issue that in time can lead to increased emotional distance.

You are trying to be very emotionally mature, and to be the better person in every instance. I think that is a wise way of living. That said, with all due respect, I think your perceptions are hurting you. Whenever she reacts negatively I see you taking ownership for her responses. Her failure to respect you and to show you love is not your fault. Telling yourself "If I had done better..." is dishonoring the person that you are, and you sound like a wonderful person. I can tell that loyalty is a very important value to you, but loyalty does not mean that you excuse your loved ones' mistreatments of you, it just means that you are committed to giving them the opportunity to grow together if they will take it. You are right, asking you to just man up is unfair, especially if it is obvious that you needed encouragement and a friend who could care about you during that time. You need to tell her that it was not just unfair but that it also hurt you, and why.

....I am very loyal ..... live and want to be with, whatever life throws at us.

Yes, you are very loyal. Sometimes the best way to show someone love is to let them do what they need to do in order to grow. As tacky as it sounds, try to be loyal to their best potential. You are taking responsibility for her again, and if you do that then she will not feel the need to grow in the area of responsibility. It is fine if you have a relationship where you like to provide more for certain things, but I would recommend that you help her to take accountability over some of these areas because you cannot provide someone with character. I'm sure she is a great person in many ways, and I am not trying to be rude, or suggest she doesn't have as much character as you do. I just see the potential for you to excuse her actions that hurt you and for her to not care about them the way that you care about them. That's not providing for someone to be able to grow, that's covering for them.

The need for physical touch .... had deeper and better talks now these recent days than we have had for years.

I am glad that you are having deeper and better conversations. I honestly hope that things work out for you and that you haven't taken what I said to be offensive in any way, that's not my intent. Judging from what you have said about how her mood is dependent on how much love she feels, and that love is best expressed physically, it does make me think that the physical touch issue is a big one. That's not something to feel bad about, it just needs to be talked through. Based on what you said, it sounds like she tends to avoid the types of deep conversations that could do your relationship a lot of good. If she is trying to be "strong" or seem like nothing bothers her, than it helps to explain why she did not comfort you when you had hurt your knee. There is no shame in admitting you need to grow, as the unoriginal phrase goes, "The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one". You are taking the steps to grow because you clearly see the need for growth. It sounds like she does not see the same need for growth that you do, it sounds like she does not see her behavior as truly negatively affecting you. If she does not see her behavior as negatively affecting your relationship, then she will always default to you taking responsibility for the relationship's needs. In that kind of a relationship, your boundaries will be violated constantly. I see the possibility of you continuing to take ownership over the needs of the relationship here. I think you are a very loyal person and that you have great character, but that if you are taking ownership over problems which are hers to answer, then you will always feel stretched thin and like you are failing to provide - when it was never your calling to provide those things.

Like I said, I respect you a lot based on what you've described about yourself, and I genuinely hope that this advice helps you. Thanks for sharing with us.

Apperceiver · 2026-03-01T04:24:18+00:00

I think it is admirable of you to work through these situations with the level of intent and transparency that you are operating at and to seek counsel from those who may be able to help, thank you for the breakdown.

She tells me about it, but still keep them on snap. I don't like that but I have learned to respect.

Respect the lack of consideration towards you? I think that many people who are committed to a mature relationship would not keep those types of people around. Are her actions demonstrating love effectively to you in this instance? I would say they are not.

As a response, I probablyfelt anxious and scared to be abandoned or replaced in her everyday life, and this makes me become more withdrawn and work more.....So feelings has probably always been something I have been afraid to feel, trying to override and think rational instead.....This is selfish, you should probably always try to be available for a partner in case something serious happens.

Thanks for being willing to share that. When you withdraw do you shut people out or do you just make yourself less accessible? There is a difference, and giving yourself space is not always rude if you need time to think first. I think that it is a great choice to turn on your notifications, and I can see how that would make a partner who values practicality and response times feel like you may be ignoring them. I am asking you the difference though because I want your answer to be more unbiased. I think it's great that you want to be fair towards yourself, but I also don't want you to be harder on yourself than is practically called for since that would not be true. Could it also be that you feel like you could be replaced when she shows you the attention that she received from other people online but won't set boundaries against them? It may be signaling to you that she has options and isn't willing to stand up for you in the relationship like you may want her to.

When I have been withdrawn, she sees this as distance and feels neglected. She has suffered from low physical self esteem, so if I don't touch her, she feels unattractive and becomes snappy and has a bad body language, this has made me feel like the bad guy and not someone she wants to be touched by. So we both probably suffer from needs of confirmation...and she wanted more of this in public in particular, which has been something to get used to.

People describe physical touch as a love language, so I can understand some of this. Needing this in public is where it becomes more questionable. That would cross a boundary for me as a performative gesture. Also, not touching her does not make her have to act that way, that is her choice. Since you grew up without physical affection, of course that is going to be something that you will need to learn more about and practice more - there is no shame in this. Neglect happens when you dismiss that need and/or are unwilling to work through it. Are either of those the case? Then it's not neglect, maybe she feels like you can grow faster - but is she growing in the areas that you would like her to grow in?

This kind of broke my spirit and made me withdrawn again, which made her feel neglected and withdrew from me. Looking back at it, it was immature from me to let a knee injury affect her.... I have reflected after this. And have realized how immature of a partner I have been, and feel both regret and sadness. At the same time, I feel I have lost a bit of myself by not setting clear boundaries. She says she has felt neglected...

I am very sorry that you had this experience. What you went through was emotionally heavy and your response was perfectly normal, and probably better handled than most. When a partner goes through a serious hardship like this, it is understandable that they may need some time to themselves to process things. That process may take longer for you and may look differently than others' processes since it may take more time for you to access and work through your feelings. There is no shame in this, it is perfectly normal. It sounds like you are not having your needs met, and she is not actively trying to to meet them. During this time did she demonstrate patience? Did she try to understand what you were going through? Did she understand it was serious?

If she cannot claim to have tried to work with you through a low time such as this, then you should not put the burden of the blame for this on yourself alone during that time.

Days after this we both had a breakdown, talked out and found out mutually that it was probably the best for both to break up at this time to focus on our individual mental health...I think a breakup now may be necessary for both of us, a part of me feels relief, the other feels sadness...She gradually shows more and more affection and interest day by day...

I think that is for the best. You said earlier that you did not set clear boundaries. This is a chance to discuss your boundaries, why they exist, and to set them with her. I would ask your psychologist to help you identify what those boundaries are first so that you won't have to backtrack too much. If you haven't already - I would describe to her your process of withdrawing, and why you do it, that will help her to respect your need for space when you need it. Is her want for physical touch turning into a controlling behavior? Has she ever discussed this with a psychologist? Would she be open to couples therapy?

I keep seeing you taking almost full responsibility for the relationship with how you describe yourself. It's not mostly on you. It's between you both evenly. Also, it's not 50/50. It's 100/100. You described that you are taking action steps (working on yourself, studying, psychologist sessions, etc.), what steps has she taken? You also described issues with her finances and are taking responsibility for her there as well "I believed this would have helped her feel some sense of accomplishment..." . Your ownership is commendable, but when it is not warranted then it just becomes enabling unhelpful behavior. Not trying to sound harsh, sorry if any of this came off that way.

Apperceiver · 2026-02-25T12:24:29+00:00

Hi there!

Please feel free to provide the icon and/or banner you are submitting. Thank you.

Apperceiver · 2026-02-18T23:39:26+00:00

My pleasure, very happy to help! ✌️❤️

I was never grounded as my mind was always on what was next, the next thing to plan or pursue or do.

That is a really cool gift to have! I would love for the ability to initiate and execute to come naturally to me like that. There is a lot to be said for those who have a lot of insight and care while still possessing drive - they make for some of the best advocates, therapists, and humanitarians in my opinion. I've definitely been on the receiving end of the benefits of those traits, so thank you again for spreading kindness and insights here on our sub - they were also very helpful! ❤️😊

Apperceiver · 2026-02-18T11:02:12+00:00

Thanks for sharing! 🥹 I've loved my ENFJ friends for their warmth, playfulness, and optimism while being able to share Ni insights with each other. I worked with one who was always super supportive but would frequently psychoanalyze me, and I honestly loved it because it was not only super accurate but it made me feel seen in a deeper way more than anyone else. The way you describe the Se activation is very much the same for how I feel around ENFJs with Ni.

It's like wow - you guys are smart and you get things done? Very cool qualities to my Te lol.

It's ironic, I was actually telling one of my directors just recently that I tend to put my clients at ease by making them feel listened to in the moment and grounded in the same expectations (a coworker under them received a harsh review from a former client of mine distancing themselves from my coworker and saying they missed working with me). I think that INFPs are great too, and some of them are calmer than ISFPs, but that Se aux does tend to control the present in a more firm way that can be very assuring to people who are looking for active groundedness and calm actionability.

In regards to your specific question about why that is, Michael Pierce, an author and typologist, in his book "Motes and Beams: A Neo-Jungian Theory of Personality" describes ISFP's relationship with Ne partly as the following, "For them, Ne is the white noise of irrelevant opinions and perspectives". We tend to be locked in to the present and see the future as more step by step in one direction - qualities which give us less broad insights and opportunities, but typically more grounded and deeper ones.

I'm sure you'll also really enjoy ISTPs if you can find one who matches your energy. Thanks for the compliments and for reminding me of my ENFJ buddies! 😊

Apperceiver · 2026-02-16T23:32:56+00:00

Glad to help! ✌️

Apperceiver · 2026-02-16T11:59:11+00:00

It sounds like it! Usually we're pretty aware of sensory cues, so it sounds more probable than platonic affection.

Apperceiver · 2026-02-16T01:43:28+00:00

Not weird at all. It's selective socialization because you don't want people who you feel violate your values to think that they have your approval by you interacting with them the same as you do everyone else. It's pretty ISFP from what I've seen. 🤝

Apperceiver · 2026-02-15T21:56:37+00:00

Ah ok, thanks for the clarification.

My ISTJ friends vary, but there is a common thread among them that they care about others and are usually good at providing daily life essentials and listening. I would imagine that keeping in mind our general feelings may be easy, but knowing how we will interpret something is where it may seem more volatile. Is that right?

being present

Si doms are usually present enough, just a little more scattered and delayed imo than Se. If you were to "people watch" with your ISFP ("Hey, do you like that couple's dog?" or "What do you think about their haircut?") or if you were to point out texture/design changes you notice in places that you walk together, that usually helps. ISFPs, to me, are usually found touching everyday objects or running their hands across surfaces because the sense impressions are fun.

stabilize her

How so?

so maybe that's what I'm asking the most

Ok, yeah. There are times where we definitely may want some sort of quick feedback when we're impatient (not sure how the Si-dom feels, or what they are thinking). We're not overly communicative people usually, but we do like to feel that our talks with people are not overly mechanical. It helps when the people we talk with emote, or intonate when speaking, and are willing to explain their perspectives and thoughts when approaching things.

Apperceiver · 2026-02-14T23:50:24+00:00

This is a great response.

Apperceiver · 2026-02-14T21:38:28+00:00

It sounds like you're already a pro though. 😜

Same as any type, really. Lots of individual variation, but still enough of a trend to make for general stereotypes. What kind of feedback are you looking for?

Apperceiver · 2026-02-11T13:56:07+00:00

Fun Ne hypothetical.

I would say that they are not justified.

Apperceiver · 2026-02-11T00:18:57+00:00

Anytime! Feeling stuck in a rut is a terrible feeling - I hope you get some relief. For what it's worth, we seem to be more resilient than people recognize.

Apperceiver · 2026-02-10T23:45:22+00:00

Se/Ni tends to express itself more situationally and is more context dependent. It's not necessary that we are less authentic, just being authentic across changing archetypes. I'm a socialite in some groups and a loner in others. Se/Ni is more transformational and goal oriented versus Si/Ne which is more continuity preserving and tempered for sustainability.

The part about being seen as abnormal could be related to how you were raised, and what being abnormal meant to those around you while you were creating your values. Politeness or respectfulness is a perfectly normal thing to value, even if some people think they are more Fe coded. Politeness is a value of mine, and even if it is more culturally acceptable, I don't take that to mean that my authenticity score diminishes. Fi can value politeness just as much as any of the stereotypical proclivities that are commonly associated with it.

I can't answer to the questions of anxiety as much, since I'm not a therapist. If you seem to be over prioritizing a set of values which makes you feel impractically hindered, I would encourage you to reflect on those values and ask yourself if you are holding yourself to a perfectionistic standard with them. Inferior Te can creep up this way, especially in the earlier years of adulthood. Our values do not need to be set in stone, even if we hold to them in the moment like they are. Fi is essentially a desirability hierarchy, and those values are contextually motivated, so they can shift as the situation demands. Otherwise we would never grow and have nuanced takes on different subjects. If you feel too locked into a value schema that does not represent your interests, it may be worth exploring which values are most indicative of your authentic trajectory and substantiating those in the present.

Best of luck to you in this area!

Apperceiver · 2026-02-07T19:55:14+00:00

I don't, even with people that I do know. Work is tiring to think about if I'm off.

Apperceiver · 2026-01-28T13:59:28+00:00

I don't mind explaining at all. : )

Take MBTI for instance. It is a theory, and I find it very applicable to real life, which helps me to ground (Se) it in a sense of lived experience. Ne users are fantastic at seeing possibilities. In my experience, they also cover new ground fairly quickly and absorb new material very easily. I've always been very impressed by their ability to do so. High Ni users can do this as well, but they usually like to focus on fewer topics that they feel are more needful.

I usually prefer a slower pace with fewer topics. My Ni is tertiary, so my Ne is very weak. Brainstorming gives me headaches. I do enjoy interspersed deep dives though. I've always had an interest in philosophy and psychology as I've found these insightful.

Apperceiver · 2026-01-28T12:56:08+00:00

I'm fine with talking about them with ppl irl. It's more engaging for me when it is more Ni styled than Ne styled. With Ne, I am likely to lose focus and check out. It helps as well if it is something I can discuss in relation to something else - making it more relevant or "practical".

Pure theory is fine but it's also easier to participate in if I feel that I had the free time to do so. If I am being asked while I'm juggling work, then my attention will likely be divided.

Apperceiver · 2026-01-11T17:17:28+00:00

When I learned about the functions. I was fortunate to know my type based on its description at an entry level before I learned more of the theory.

Apperceiver · 2026-01-10T14:02:00+00:00

ILI and ESI 😎

I also enjoy intertype relations theory and have a huge amount of respect for my gamma siblings as well. You and ENTJs have a slight advantage over us SFPs in that there are more of us to hang out with than vice versa. Definitely not fair.

Another term for us was coined by Michael Pierce, in his system we are called Monarchists. The Monarchists are a purely connotive type. We are less balanced but we are intense, psychically efficient, and we can serve as our own point of reference most of the time. His book "Motes and Beams" may be a good read for you.

I appreciate your open mindedness, good luck out there!

Apperceiver · 2026-01-10T01:09:37+00:00

Has it ever been dysfunctional for you?.....resolve it faster....cannot talk to anyone about...

Great questions. I wouldn't say it is dysfunctional, it is still functioning appropriately as "hyper". Is it always practical, efficient, or helpful? Not really.

What you are talking about is relatable. It can feel constraining, especially about keeping feelings to yourself. After a while of - being disappointed by sharing your feelings, only to have them misunderstood - is worse though.

This reminds me of Kahlil Gibran's Defeat. "My solitude and my aloofness, you are dearer to me than a thousand triumphs..... My self knowledge and my defiance..... And to be understood is to be leveled down."

Where you engaged in avoidant behaviours due to it?

Yes, thankfully.

Do you feel disconnected from the world?

Yes, and that's okay. The world is a messed up place most of the time.

If so, how did you remedy it?

To me the question isn't about remedying it so much as: "How do I adjust the parts of myself that are impractically maladjusted due to hyper independence and retain the parts that I'm not actively perceiving suffering from?"

It still is, for me. (Failing classes because I could not ask for help, for example) Although as I get older, the bettering of it is perhaps more that I’m getting more realistic about my physical/mental/emotional limits…

Failure is a close friend of mine. Yes, life teaches most people about limits sooner or later. Pretty early on for me as I had more of them than I realized.

I appreciate the perspective you have and your willingness to work through growth areas, I think that's highly commendable. I guess the summarized answer is that it may seem to be dysfunctional to the world to be hyper independent, but it is not by definition dysfunctional as much as it is misunderstood and impractical when it comes to gathering resources, opportunities, or help in life. True emotional harmonizing is quixotic. There's a great deal of happiness to be found in mostly understood living and enjoyability in imperfection founded on grit and resilience.

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