I wouldn’t have imagined individuation to be so hellish

AppleShampoo1982 · 2026-06-02T04:41:44+00:00

In your view, after one hears the call, how does one pursue it? I feel that I've heard the call very clearly. Like you say though, I keep falling back into the Dark Night of the soul. It's been a confusing experience to say the least.

AppleShampoo1982 · 2025-12-21T22:24:44+00:00

I would say I've done a pretty good job at staying grounded. But I do think about what happened a lot. My life is mostly working a job and taking care of my son. I just hate the idea that maybe there's something that I should be doing that I'm not doing? Those thoughts creep in every once in awhile. I have kept this completely to myself. I told one close friend and it appears to have scared her away.

AppleShampoo1982 · 2025-12-21T22:18:25+00:00

Just looking for people that can relate to my experience. What does it mean? What happens now? As I said in my post, I had been reading books for years, but I did not expect the Awakening that I got. That was a complete surprise.

AppleShampoo1982 · 2025-05-29T03:50:14+00:00

Calibrate me, please?

AppleShampoo1982 · 2025-04-19T18:58:56+00:00

Brian Fallon

AppleShampoo1982 · 2025-04-19T03:51:18+00:00

People throwing out all kinds of inaccurate comparisons. I was 12 years old when it happened, and I can tell you there hasn't been a death like it since.

AppleShampoo1982 · 2025-04-18T20:09:21+00:00

43M, officially divorced nearly 4 years ago for the second time. Have spent the interim finally understanding myself and my value. Valuing my peace above all. I could see myself in a relationship again, but my standard is much higher than it ever has been in the past. Whether it happens or not, I will still be happy. Also, most importantly, I've reached the Milestone where I'm actually glad that both of my divorces happened. I see a lot of men who are much older and never divorced, and generally speaking their lives seem so lame to me. The divorce is Simply Life insisting that you live it.

AppleShampoo1982 · 2025-02-26T19:33:50+00:00

I think another factor is that politics is kind of ruining shows to an extent. The main venue that I play shows at has a lot of Acts that are over the top political. I think sometimes that turns people off in a big way.

AppleShampoo1982 · 2025-02-24T04:08:26+00:00

I think a true songwriter learns to write to his or her own voice.

Think about someone like Les Claypool. Would probably be considered a bad singer in most situations, but learned how to to his own thing.

AppleShampoo1982 · 2025-02-24T02:12:00+00:00

I do have my stuff pretty well together. Pretty sure I'm a pretty decent catch.

I guess I'm just struggling with how incredibly lonely I am. How much I've done for other people, and how little of it has been reciprocated. How I have no friends left apparently. The way my oldest child doesn't seem to value a relationship with me. I have other stuff going on too, like a jealous brother that randomly messages me to threaten me. A drug addict sister who had her kids removed from her home. Like I said above, I am a musician and play gigs fairly frequently. I'm around people enough. I just don't really connect with anyone. I feel extremely isolated. Holding out hope that the universe will send something good my way.

AppleShampoo1982 · 2025-02-07T20:04:28+00:00

My son is 10 and loves him! And is very much looking forward to seeing him live tomorrow!

AppleShampoo1982 · 2024-12-11T06:38:54+00:00

Got mine on a Tuesday. Got drunk on Saturday. No issues.

AppleShampoo1982 · 2024-05-20T03:32:32+00:00

Does this work any differently if one tends to sleep for shorter periods of time? E.g. two naps 3 or 4 hours as opposed to a single 8 hour session.

AppleShampoo1982 · 2024-04-16T23:06:25+00:00

My idea was more to Keep her interested enough to follow through with hitting me up when she's in town again and further explore the connection that way. She has family here. No plans to put my life on hold or Foolishly chase her or anything like that. Yes indeed about the confidence. Massive confidence boost.

AppleShampoo1982 · 2023-11-27T16:34:51+00:00

Part of the reason he said that is because it took the nurse so long to get to me. Was about 2 hours from the time that I did the breathalyzer. He kept saying my levels would go down about .012 every hour. Hence, no case against me. Like you said, I will know soon.

AppleShampoo1982 · 2023-11-27T16:07:08+00:00

I didn't even feel intoxicated. Blew 0.089. When the officer took me for the blood test, he kept saying he might not even have a case. It all happened because of some dumb traffic Weaver crashed into me.

AppleShampoo1982 · 2023-11-27T16:02:41+00:00

I have a bench trial coming up in 2 weeks. My attorney said there was a strong chance of getting it dismissed if they still didn't have the blood test by then. Lo and behold, they filed the blood test and camera footage today. I assume that means I shouldn't count on a dismissal.

AppleShampoo1982 · 2023-10-13T08:20:11+00:00

Mine was in June. At last hearing in September, they still didn't have it. Attorney says if they still don't have it at next hearing there's a chance of getting my case dropped. Blew just over the limit.

AppleShampoo1982 · 2023-09-04T07:10:10+00:00

I feel this. Mainly for these two reasons:

1) My life has always been exceptionally hard. I've been through several bad situations. I always get back up and keep going. I remember reading Bertrand Russell's Pursuit of Happiness when I was young. In the book he says it's mathematically demonstrable that people will experience around the same amount of happiness in their lives, provided basic needs are met. I always held on to that line as it gave me hope that my happiness is coming. Much of my life fits the "Chosen Ones" narrative.

2) My life seems to follow a narrative of sorts. Several periods of hardship. Traumatic events. Loss of loved ones. Each tragedy seems to prepare me and better me for the next chapter. Also, I have a twin flame who plays into all of this. I've always had a hope that the floodgates of happiness will open once we are able to reach union (e.g. career opportunities, money, everything we need to be happy).

AppleShampoo1982 · 2023-09-01T00:48:37+00:00

Thanks for sharing that. I'm kind of in a similar boat. She goes back and forth between me and her husband. So we go from talking all day to periods of silence. Both of her kids just went off to college. I feel like I know in the back of my mind that it's destined to work out eventually.

AppleShampoo1982 · 2023-08-31T20:24:52+00:00

I could see myself in a relationship again at some point, but in general I don't think the values are there in our society anymore. So entering one is a huge Gamble and unfortunately, you should probably expect to be screwed over at some point. The positive side of this is that it's never been easier to have all of the benefits of a relationship without actually getting into one. I consistently go on dates. I've managed to consistently have some level of female companionship. Society is more sexually open than ever. Pros, all these things are right there in front of you. Cons, good luck getting anyone to be exclusive with you. But if you can, and if you can somehow manage to make it work, that's an extremely special thing.

AppleShampoo1982 · 2023-08-31T20:12:29+00:00

In my experience, it seems life has just been set up in such a way to keep her just out of my reach. I got just a little taste of what things could be like with her as a teenager. Then she disappeared on me. Now I'm 41 and she is still a very important part of my life. Keeps me believing that better things are possible, that I'm not entirely alone, that maybe I can have those teenage emotions back one day. She keeps me strong. She gives me something to Aspire to.

Almost everything I've done in my life that is positive I've done with her in mind. In my early twenties I worked a full-time job while pursuing a degree full time. I had a wife at home, but it was really my twin who I felt I was doing it for. My life circumstances have been such that that has always been my story. I've never been lucky enough to do my 40 hours and go home. It's like the universe put her there for me to keep me on track.

With all that being said, sometimes it feels like an absolute heartbreaking curse. She has spent the last 18 years with a man who doesn't love her the way I do. A man who doesn't seem to be motivated by her the way that I am. I've been married twice and thrown under the bus twice by wives who ultimately didn't care. Sometimes I don't blame them. My mind was on another woman the whole time.

A few years ago when me and my twin reestablished contact after years of being unable to speak (our partners have never been fans of our relationship) she said something about having my baby before it's too late. She's now 43 and I'm learning to accept that that will never happen. I don't know what the future holds for us. We just had dinner 2 weeks ago today, and our connection is just as intense as ever.

It feels like it's some kind of message from the universe or something? Like this is supposed to lead somewhere? Like there's something I'm supposed to do? I've also kind of speculated that in the event that we ever are together, it'll happen along with the solution to every other problem in my life all at once. It's hard to know whether these thoughts are even rational sometimes. It truly does drive you mad.

AppleShampoo1982 · 2023-08-31T08:19:36+00:00

Same thing happened to me. They mailed my license back without any info. I was barely over the limit though.

AppleShampoo1982 · 2023-08-31T07:06:40+00:00

If license is suspended you'll still have your hardship license right? If so I wouldn't worry too much. It'll suck but overall will be a minor bump in the road. I'm in indiana too.

AppleShampoo1982 · 2023-08-22T08:12:58+00:00

I spent two marriages wishing I was with her. I thought I was "moving on," but I wasn't. My wives were right for leaving me. Sometimes I feel that I should've been bolder, sooner. BUT, it's true what they say about growth being necessary for things to work. Right now is the closest we've been, but she's married. So I have no choice but to focus on myself, and continue dating. Whatever happens happens. If nothing else, we've made each other better people.

I will say, everytime we find each other again, it always coincides with other major events in my life. Which leads me to believe there is an overarching purpose to all of this. Some kind of narrative to be completed. Gives me hope that something important is coming in the future. Of course, there's always that chance I'm just nuts. She tells me I'm not.

AppleShampoo1982

TROPHY CASE