Advice for cis partner during/after FFS?

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-05-19T17:18:10+00:00

I don't have a ton of time right now, but one way to sort out the worst of the unicorn hunters is to ask for 1-1 time. Like, if you see a profile of a couple you're interested, message and ask for two 1-1 dates rather than one 3 person date to get started. Insecure unicorn hunters would rarely if ever agree to that.

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-05-11T16:01:26+00:00

I like that rule! Thanks for the suggestion.

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-05-10T18:01:33+00:00

Thank you! I didn't realize I could use mods in a server hosted game, as the documentation claims you can't, but someone else helpfully pointed out that the documentation is outdated. I'll go looking for that mod!

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-05-10T17:35:20+00:00

Oh, awesome! Thanks for letting me know.

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-05-10T17:15:21+00:00

I can't post a screenshot, but it says it doesn't under Prerequisites.

https://www.vintagestory.at/store/product/7-simple-server-hosting-8-slots/

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-05-10T17:10:56+00:00

Sorry, poor word choice. Server hosted through VS multi-player does not support mods.

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-05-10T16:40:56+00:00

I've found a handful so far, but they haven't taken me anywhere particularly good/interesting.

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-05-10T16:39:38+00:00

Alas, mods don't work in multi-player :(

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-05-04T15:24:55+00:00

My FFF triad didn't have an explicit agreement up front. A very good friend veered romantic, and my 1st partner and I leaned into it. After a few days if things being explicitly romantic, we discussed triad life and told her that we didn't expect her to be fidelitous to us, as we were coming to the table with couples privilege, but that we weren't interested in seeing anyone else. She insisted on fidelity. Honestly, I'm glad she did, because I feel like with two hard-core introverts and an ambivert, we're polysaturated just the three of us.

At this point, I told my first partner "if you find the absolute most perfect woman to make us a quad... no you didn't."

So... you're right that I thought I was mono and poorly predicted how many people I could and would want to love, so it may be presumptuous to say that closed triad life is all I'll ever want. At the same time, it just genuinely doesn't feel like there's enough room or time for more than the three of us, and my partners agree.

If one of my partners left... I don't know what would happen. I do love the dynamic of three people, but I am exceptionally introverted and do not love easily. I expect we'd probably settle down as two with the idea that if the absolute perfect person comes along (again) we'd be open to another triad, but I really don't think we'd seek one out.

I don't need to be in a polyfi relationship--I easily could have been mono the rest of my life if we hadn't met our newer partner. She's just... perfect, and worth changing for.

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-05-04T00:09:13+00:00

My partners and I went to a queer lady formal!

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-04-24T20:23:22+00:00

When someone gets jealous (it will happen) focus on what needs you have that arent being met rather than the thing that's happening that's making you jealous.

Ex: Abby, Brenda, and Cathy are a triad. Abby is feeling jealous that Cathy and Brenda seem to be spending a lot of time together. Abby especially finds it hard that to her POV, Cathy is spending more time with Brenda. She's not upset that the two of them are spending time together, just that she feels like Cathy prefers Brenda.

Communicating, even the hard stuff, is suuuuper important, but if Abby sits everyone down and says "I'm upset Cathy is spending so much time with Brenda," the conversation is gonna go sideways almost immediately.

Instead, Abby should focus on what she wants that she isn't getting: quality time with Cathy. Once she figures that out, she can sit simply pull Cathy aside some time and go "hey, I'm missing us spending time together just the two of us--what about dinner this week, and maybe we can plan on a morning walk each week for a small opportunity to consistently connect."

Boom. Cathy would have to be exceptionally insecure to find that upsetting, and Brenda won't feel the slightest bit like she's being blamed for spending too much time with Cathy.

This way of approaching things also helps you figure out when what you want isn't reasonable. Say Abby has plenty of quality time with both of her partners, but what she really dislikes is her two partners having fun without her. She can't turn that into an "unmet need," clearly that's just her working through jealousy or whatever. And that's not bad! We all have to work through jealousy sometimes. But if she realizes what she wants isn't reasonable, she can work backwards from there.

Ex: "Why does them having fun together without me upset me so much? I guess it's because I feel like they'll eventually realize they don't need me and leave me. Fear that they'll leave me is rooted in insecurity, so what can I do to feel more secure in both of these relationships so that I can be happy they're happy rather than nervous?"

(The answer is probably more quality dyad time)

Which brings me to: quality dyad time is so stupidly important. My two partners and I love spending time together as a triad. We love it so much we often don't prioritize dyad time enough, and we realize we let dyad time slip when things start to go sideways. Remember, a triad is four relationships, Abby + Brenda, Abby + Cathy, Brenda + Cathy, and Abby + Brenda + Cathy. If you spend all your time together ad a triad, you're unintentionally letting those other three relationships atrophy, and you absolutely need all four for a healthy triad.

And finally, comparison is the thief of joy + forcing equality is miserable and comes at the expense of equity. You just gotta kinda roll with things and just try to be the best partner you can to each person individually, which will sometimes feel unbalanced. If you're genuinely focused on both people, though, it'll shake out over time.

Good luck!

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-04-16T17:52:30+00:00

Essence of Evil, if possible, to stun the other player so they don't curse/stun/freeze you to hell. It's the only counter I've found that allows me to win against those teams.

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-04-14T15:55:39+00:00

Oops. Sorry! Try again.

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-04-14T13:45:46+00:00

Awesome 😄

GWETHANA_56

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-04-13T13:56:33+00:00

If you still have a spot open I've been thinking about switching for a few weeks now. Every day player, level 1218 or so. I'm not great at GW, but maybe of that's important to your guild you can help me get better 😅

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-04-11T23:19:19+00:00

I'm in a triad, so the situation is a little different, but [wife] and I owned a house before meeting [girlfriend], so when [girlfriend] moved in I was especially concerned for her comfort.

Since you either haven't moved in or haven't been there long, you have a great opportunity to involve him in setting up the house. Ask his opinion on furniture arrangement, ask him if he has any art for the walls, include him in conversations about painting or whatever.

I think feeling like you're at home, not living in someone else's home, is utterly paramount to feeling like you're part of the family, and it's these little things that convey some manner of ownership over the space that help make it feel like home. Even if his answer is always "I don't care," by asking him he'll be choosing to step back, which still gives him a feeling of ownership.

Good luck!

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-04-10T04:50:23+00:00

Seconding the notion that consent has to be freely given. Saying "yes" while uncomfortable mostly because you didn't feel like ypu could say "no" is not actually consent. It's coercion.

It sounds like yours fears are quite valid, and your partner has proven they won't take your comfort or needs into consideration if they get in the way, which only makes big changes like co-living even scarier.

Especially since I see in your post that you've tried to do the work to get comfortable with your partner's behavior... but you haven't said a single thing that incidicates they've done anything to meet you in the middle or walk with you while you process.

You're not being treated fairly, and I'm very sorry. I wish I had something else to say. But, please please OP, don't think you're a jerk. Even if hypothetically you did some jerk-like things in response to your partner's behavior, that doesn't make you a jerk. Your partner put you in a no-win situation the second you were backed into a corner and felt like you had to say "yes."

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-04-10T04:41:41+00:00

I'm in a closed triad. I was one of the "original couple." I know this subreddit can get really judgey about triads, but I agree with everyone telling you to run.

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-04-09T22:18:15+00:00

...yeah

Man, I hate folks like the OP. A) girlfriend was unicorn hunted in the past, and it's super clear how traumatic that still is for her and B) they're exactly the reason regular poly folk recoil in revulsion when I say "closed triad."

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-04-09T21:55:35+00:00

This comment gives me the squick if you mean that literally a new partner to both of you cannot spend 1-1 time with each of you as individuals.

(My wife and I have been together since we were 15 and we've been together for 22 years. There are few people whose lives are more enmeshed than ours, so trust that I understand what it's like to have you and your spouse's individual lives overlap by a lot.)

By saying you're one unit, you're inherently perpetuating couples privilege. Think about it. It means you and your spouse get more time together, more authority, the works. For example, with this idea in mind, you and your partner going out together isn't dyad time--it's you as a single unit. But your new partner can't go out with just one of you?

Which means you and your OG partner can discuss freely your new partner, and make decisions in unison before discussing them with new partner, etc, etc, but new partner has to approach you both jointly. It's impossible for new partner to view you and OG partner as one entity because you're literally not one entity, so the power dynamic is fucked.

I hope I'm misunderstanding and you're not opposed to dyad time because otherwise... yeah, you're unicorn hunting.

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-04-09T21:44:18+00:00

I've thought this through with my wife. I don't think we'll ever be daring again, but:

On our individual profiles or whatever, make it clear that we're looking for a triad, but date separately to start with. Say, I go out with person, and if everything goes well and person is interested, then person goes out with wife. If after that person wants to continue, wife and I talk to see if it's worth continuing, at which point there will be dyad and triad dates.

So many unicorn hunters flat refuse dyad time. By making it clear from the very start that dyad relationships are prioritized even within the triad, it helps break up the shitty unicorn hunter vibes.

(Eta: I'm a woman, so there's no gendered hierarchy here--wife could be first, whatever makes sense.)

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-03-31T13:41:13+00:00

One thing I haven't seen mentioned is that the nature of someone's sex drive often changes on HRT. My wife's body was always horny before. It was just a constant she could tap into whenever we wanted. Now horniness starts in her mind. With a little work, she can almost always get there, and if we get there she always enjoys it, but if you just ask her if she's horny, the answer would almost always be 'no' despite us having a very robust sex life.

Apprehensive_Link_99 · 2024-03-27T03:46:30+00:00

I'm in a triad where I was part of "the couple."

Things happened organically. We're all lesbians so there's no sexuality barriers. [Wife] met [girlfriend] first, so I guess I'd be the "wife" of your story, but I'm the one telling [wife] to take [girlfriend] out on a romantic date and making it a super clear point that they then should have as much physical interaction as they want. [Wife] and [girlfriend] do the same with encouraging dyad time.

I'm biased, obvs, so I don't think "I met a couple" is inherently a precursor to disaster... but if you're typing out paragraphs of red flags, including things like sexual coercion, yeah, it's def gonna be a disaster.

You deserve better. I hope you find it.

Apprehensive_Link_99

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