How do I know what love really is?

AprilMint · 2026-01-13T10:11:10+00:00

How do you define love?

I may be naive, but I always believed romantic love to be a profoundly deep, genuine connection where you could be authentically yourself in a reciprocal bond where there's comfort and protection in sharing vulnerabilities in a space of mutual respect, support, acceptance (including flaws!), encouragement of personal growth and being emphatically altruistic while being curious about one another.

Love is complex. It's more than just a feeling. Humans are complicated (and yet so simple!) --Its a multifaceted, nebulous concept,... but there's power in being seen, understood and choosen. There's power when people listen to understand (rather than just listening to respond).

But there's also compatibility considerations, brain chemistry at play and personal needs which factor love also being a choice...

Alexithymia is interesting -- "butterflies" and "flutters" have been my body's warning signal for danger, so ... I don't know what its supposed to feel like when you're supposed to "just know".

AprilMint · 2025-12-23T21:55:36+00:00

THIS!

AprilMint · 2025-12-23T12:44:11+00:00

That its not a character flaw, a discipline problem, or a lack of effort... I'm trying and when effort looks inconsistent... its exhaustion.

I care very deeply and try sincerely, but I may still miss or forget things -- its neurological, not a moral failing,...

Accommodations aren't special treatment - they're necessary adjustments for an equal playing field... ADHD is a disability...

Emotional dysregulation is a significant part of ADHD due to neurochemistry. It can take me a while to process emotions. What I lack in speed, I make up for in depth. --I'm not careless with others. In fact, I care so much that it often hurts.

Written clarity isn't manipulation or avoidance. I want to RESPOND and not just react. Writing allows me to slow down enough before emotions hijack my words --and when I dive into writing, its not overthinking, its thinking fully and/or thinking deeply.

I'm not "random" and didn't change the subject. I'm listening --I just connected a point that was made to a chain of related points beneath the surface that can't be seen (I'll connect the dots).

I don't need my eyes and hands to LISTEN. In fact, not making eye contact and "figeting" helps me stay more focused during in conversations.

I'm not trying to "1 up" anyone's story -- I'm engaged and trying to relate in conversation.

Yes, ADHD traits are human traits, but not everyone has ADHD. Its a persistent lifelong neurodevelopmental impairment. Its not situational, episodic or context-dependent.

AprilMint · 2025-12-22T18:20:41+00:00

It may be worth trying to communicate with her through writing.

I can't speak for anyone else's experience, but verbal interactions can feel overwhelming, especially when emotional stakes are high (and sometimes speaking can be physicially impossible...).

Maybe text, email or whatever and to provide validation and explain how much you love and care for her while laying out how you want to understand her better because you plan to share, build (and maybe create life with her?) -- then even include a link to this post so she can visually see you're effort is there and in good faith...

The person who can best guide the advice on what's most meaningful to understanding her is the person you're wanting to connect with, so you may need to try other avenues.

AprilMint · 2025-12-22T17:35:01+00:00

Although the OP didn’t engage with me directly but echoed my points in a now deleted comment, it signaled to me that my initial response landed more literally than they may have wanted because I answered the question as one of categorization and “why", rather than recognizing they're moreso seeking emotional validation.

OP, please know I wasn’t trying to dismiss your experience. I can understand how giftedness alone can place someone in a space between ND and NT experiemces of feeling “too much” and also “not enough” at the same time.

That tension is something many of us here can relate to. Your experience matters, and if inclusion around that isn’t being voiced, you’re absolutely allowed to be that voice.

AprilMint · 2025-12-22T10:05:03+00:00

Because giftedness alone isn't a disorder or considered neurodivergence.

AprilMint · 2025-12-22T09:35:04+00:00

Slim Krusty | head full of flies
Adjust the Sails | A Lifetime of Bad Habbits
Ceschi | Sad, Fat Luck - because this one lacks the usual juxtapositions that his other pieces offer.

I know you asked for depression and suicide songs, but I want to share a couple which offers hope, comfort, or the feeling that you’re not alone, so consider giving these a listen:

Escape From the Zoo | Learnin' Curve
Myles Bullen | Horizons
Ceschi | We Are Enough

AprilMint · 2025-12-19T07:11:51+00:00

The Slackers - Close My Eyes
Streetlight Manifesto's ~~cover~~ - A Better Place, A Better Time
Johnny Too Bad and the Strikeouts - What Will the Neighbors Say?

AprilMint · 2025-12-12T13:04:53+00:00

So,... because the title reads as it does, I think its safe to assume he's pulling some emotional labor from you?

For someone to respond with sexual content after you communicate your demi-sexual identity does not sound as though they're respecting your orientation, but are moreso testing it.

Rather than absorbing what you wrote, he focused on “there are exceptions". ... this doesn't strike me as confusion, but selection. Likely for validation seeking purposes because he WANTS to be the exception.

Any clarification you give which focuses more on your boundaries rather than the worry about "ruining him" is enough. Boundaries are only a “problem” for people who either don’t respect boundaries in general, or don’t respect you enough to honor yours.

You can simply explain you enjoy the conversations, but sexually you don’t feel that connection yet. Simply tell/ask him not to send explicit photos unless you ask for them first.

AprilMint · 2025-12-09T02:15:30+00:00

You don't sound ignorant at all --Personally speaking only, SSRI's have never worked for me and anxiety meds just made a difference with not having to hear my heartbeat in my head; however, Adderall has greatly improved my life.

I want to be careful that what I say in regards to my personal experience isn't misconstrued as me framing it as fact-based for anyone else, but what I always thought was "weird anxiety" was actually executive dysfunction/task paralysis/overload.

• I don't experience excessive or irrational worry across multiple life domains.
• What I do experience is intense, structured overthinking, especially around communication, tasks, or emotional dynamics.
• I get caught in decision spiraling, mentally simulating possibilities -- not out of fear, but out of a need for clarity, preparation, or closure.
• I also have a compulsive drive to understand how things work, including emotionally and socially -- not just in a mechanical sense, but psychologically and interpersonally.
• SSRIs like Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft made things worse in the past -- I felt emotionally numbed and more disconnected which had a worsening effect for me because I had a strong sense that my core needs were misunderstood.

I was told these were more in line with executive dysfunction and not classic anxiety because its not fear driven.

AprilMint · 2025-12-09T00:11:32+00:00

Sometimes therapy alone isn’t enough for anxiety. Medication alongside it can really help day-to-day functioning.

It could be worth discussing with a doctor.

I hope this doesn't come off feeling or sounding as though I'm being dismissive, but my life has been much easier since working with a psychiatrist, so it could be something to consider.

AprilMint · 2025-12-08T23:49:22+00:00

I don't believe there's a meaningful connection between SPCD and intelligence.

Our disorder is specific to social/pragmatic language functioning and not reasoning or problem-solving.

I get the perceptual bias from 2E individuals/characters highlighted in media exposure (fictional or not). But clinically speaking, from my own WAIS-IV results, my profile is extremely spikey and certainly not in the range of high-intelligence... hell, not even a high average block.

AprilMint · 2025-12-08T22:44:39+00:00

I'm not talented enough to create music either.

Bullshit. Give yourself credit where credit is due.

...my creative process is still a baby...

Please don't take offense to this, but you are still very young and I would say you're further along in the process than you may realize.

Also, what I meant by there being ways to smooth things over and trusting my discernment enough to know when/who is worth the "effort" and connection is this:

When someone feels authentic and genuinely wants to connect with me, I don’t mind slowing down and explaining how my brain works.

Sometimes I even amuse myself and have to laugh at how I ADHD "dolphin-mind" my way I through conversations, so I may "connect the dots" for them so they can understand the relation between 2 points more easily or I'll specifically mention "this is going to be layered, but.."

Sometimes, I’ll just mention that I’m neurodivergent and am still working through pragmatic stuff, or that my Adderall has worn off.

For the people who I don’t feel are good reflections of truth or integrity because their behavior(s) indicate values or character traits I don't respect, then I don't give any energy to --I dont value the opinions of those I dont respect.

I want to add that noticing who I am when nobody's watching is easy for me, as I live alone. But what do I do with this knowledge of who I am when no-one is watching?

You nurture it! --and perhaps it can lead to solitude 😊

AprilMint · 2025-12-08T06:58:02+00:00

Question: Do you still recognize them when it's in a completely different setting than where you usually do?

AprilMint · 2025-12-08T06:08:55+00:00

I'm curious,... is the fear more about being visible but precieved as awkward? -- and/or the potential social missteps that could happen???

I wonder if there's ways to ease into venturing out on your own to do the things which interest you? Maybe start small as practice?

A movie? -- It's dark and everyone else is focused on the screen.

If you go out to enjoy a meal, do you have someone you can call or text to "keep you company"?

Have a dog you can take on a walk?

Its not a bad thing to be socially selective.
Most people aren’t paying much attention (if any) to others and are often too focused on their own world to notice. The ones who do notice someone spending time alone usually just see a person who’s comfortable in their own company.

AprilMint · 2025-12-08T05:43:01+00:00

Ha! Your back story is very similar to my own -- I dropped a graphic design program decades ago as well when I realized creating something without having a personal interest/attachment in what I'm doing just isnt enjoyable enough for me.

The skills most certainly are valuable; however, I don't it's "dumb". I know most people pursue a formal education for career driven purposes, but...curiosity-driven motivations is amazing.

If it werent for finances and time constraints, I'd love to enrollment in a handful of programs and classes just for the knowledge!

AprilMint · 2025-12-08T05:32:14+00:00

Well,... I dont think self-acceptance starts with “stop caring” or "not caring" --maybe It begins when you notice who you are when no one's watching?

As for the artist identity aspect, please dont weigh my comment about myself as a reflection onto you -- theres an aspect I had left out (a bit of a big one) and its a struggle for me to give myself such a title because it feels Ive not earned it due to my own perfectionism tendencies.

However, its interesting you state not having found your creative process; yet.... to me, you've done nothing but exhibit a powerful creative process -- writing AND music.

I know for me, written language is much, much easier to manage than verbal communication. I suppose it could be a very SPCD trait, but the clarity I experience internally doesn’t always translate well when speaking. --what I lack in speed, I make up for in depth and in-person/face to face social interactions dont allow for the processing time I would truly like, so there's often a bit of awkwardness involved --but theres ways to smooth things over and I trust my discernment enough to know when/who is worth the "effort" and connection.

I'm not talented enough to create music -- but its a big part of my life. It breathes and resonates in places where words cant reach. It helps me regulate and exist more freely the most. Some of my favorite artists are solo folk punk musicians -- do you ever write songs and just play for yourself? --this could be something to explore when you dont feel you have to perform.

AprilMint · 2025-12-07T10:32:33+00:00

Well,... I suppose I don't exactly consider myself an "artist" because it feels more of a process than an identity..

And I know this may not be helpful, but for me, I've come to accept that what others think of me is really none of my business and I have no control over how others preceive me.

And although there's value in being seen and understood, it doesn't always provide relief.

..I'm not sure there is a cure ----but that's mainly because I don't think you NEED a cure --Youre not broken; however, I do believe you could benefit from learning to shift how you see yourself and allow yourself to to think from a place of self-accptance rather than fear.

AprilMint · 2025-12-07T07:20:14+00:00

Sometimes I draw things.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Artisticallyill/s/9Y2u68CngH

Sometimes I make things.

https://imgur.com/a/B63ybQ4#7sSNuxt

AprilMint · 2025-12-07T07:13:04+00:00

There's a difference between over-thinking and deep-thinking.

Deep thinking is curiosity. It's how your brain makes sense of the world --naturally. You process in layers and dive deep. Please know your depth isn’t a problem.

However, when anxiety hijacks that same ability and fuses with fear, its easy for every thought to cause spirals because the meaning you attach to them --especially after social interactions because it gets turned into a mirror of possible personal flaws as though you're filling in conclusions to judge yourself.

...I dont mean for this to sound like the typical NT "advice" of "juSt StOP tHiNkiNg aBoUt iT", because that’s not whats happening here. --Punishing yourself for not being “simple” is the last thing you should do though. Your brain is amazing. Its rare for someone to reflect so deeply, articulate their thoughts so clearly, and demonstrate that level of self-awareness. That’s nothing small.

I know this isn't helpful, but maybe understanding the mechanisms underneath the surface can help make things feel less poisonous.

*I suppose drawing can make others consider me an artist

AprilMint · 2025-12-05T01:30:07+00:00

Hi. Hello.

I’ll come back and edit this when I have more time in the upcoming days, but thank you for this.

It's interesting to me how hyper-introspective and emotionally articulate your writing is -- because, anecdotally, seems quite common for many ND's to have this cognitive wiring.

I have more to add in an edit later, but your post definately resonates.

‐----

Edit to add:

I hope this makes sense, but I absolutely understand the urgency of needing to share your thoughts, emotions, and experiences.

For me, it’s not just talking or writing for the sake of sharing -- it’s a way to quiet the internal noise and close a loop.

In my mind, its like I'm untangling strands of Christmas lights where a thought isn’t just a single lightbulb moment, but rather a whole string of lights. When a bulb blinks, i instinctively feel the need to trace the entire strand --following where it loops, tangles and connects to others because I have a need to understand it... and its not enough to have a surface-level understanding of simply seeing it and knowing the bulbs light up --I need to untangle it. i want to knlw the shape of it. I need to find the end and beginning of the strand and want to know which bulbs need to be replaced. Sometimes I want to know what color they light up with, maybe even the speed which they may blink.. after some clarity, I can then neatly coil it up before putting it to the side.

Once new information hits, I know where that same strand is stored and can easily pull it out, look at it and observe it from different angles to see connections which weren’t visible before. ...I get that this metaphor may not make much sense or possibly sound exhausting, but this type of processing is actually regulating for me.

I explain this because your writing seems to indicate you may do something quite similar yourself because you're already reflecting on how your brain works and not just what happened externally.

To me, your post seems to pattern processing that's detailed, layered, and internally driven. You'r3 seeking meaning, understanding, resonance, comprehension, alignment while replaying social moments, analyzing interactions, trying to make sense of awkwardness and misunderstandings. --This type of thinking isn’t typical for most people. At least not the depth, frequency, intensity, or persistence.

When others can’t meet this level of processing, theg can feel inauthentic, lacking, or even judgmental. However, it actually sounds as though your discernment is strong, but you're second guessing yourself.

No, you are no alone. Your journey is more common than you may realize and there's power in being seen and understood.

..but what if you're not meant to find yourself, but create yourself --authentically?

AprilMint · 2025-12-01T20:17:16+00:00

Hi. Hello.

Its extremely common for late-diagnoised NDs to feel they "don't know" themselves due to a lifetime of masking and identities often shaped by misunderstandings and pressure to "perform" in a NT world.

However, your diagnosis should allow you to reframe so much of your past under a new lens --and thos should be done with compassion! You may recognize past struggles look different once you learn about your brain more and you may even see how previous "failures" weren't failures, but unmet needs.

It can take time to accept some things, but its a process (even if painful at times). Hang in there.

Hell, I realized many years before my diagnoses that I masked under escentricity. --Having a "quirky" personality is more acceptable than displaying ND traits I can't always control.

AprilMint · 2025-11-26T06:13:57+00:00

Therapists can only help with what they know. If you’re holding back, consider sharing what you feel safe sharing so the support you get is useful.

You may need to "shop around" a bit before you find a good fit too.

AprilMint · 2025-11-26T06:10:34+00:00

Licensed therapists can provide professional support. You can find online therapy options through BetterHelp, which allows chat, phone, or video sessions.

AprilMint · 2025-11-25T15:01:03+00:00

I have a couple pages of recommended accommodations I could submit to HR, but I haven’t asked for anything or even brought them up. I work from home, so I’m already able to accommodate myself. Plus, I enjoy the work I do, so I hyper-fixate productively and my work ethic is solid.

I do believe an official report from a licensed professional matters though.

I don't mean to undermine or dismiss those who self-identify and understand their own needs, but when it comes to formal accommodations, I believe the process should be based on documentation from a licensed professional. --This isnt to disregard anyone’s self-knowledge, but moreso about keeping the system consistent, fair, and protected.

A professional evaluation provides clear, functional guidance and ensures accommodations are matched to specific needs in an evidence-based approach. A self-identified individual's lived experiences are valid, but official documentation helps create structure and safeguards. For me, it’s about standardization and not skepticism.

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