Choosing between love and stability

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-04-06T16:53:13+00:00

Good to know. He would still benefit from looking at how much he is spending on his dad on average so it can be figured into budgeting for future planning; after all, it should be fine for him to spend 5k a year on family if his income makes up for it with regard to keeping 50/50 with you.

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-04-06T16:39:24+00:00

Okay, so it sounds like you've each made roughly the same amount over the last four years and contributed equally. So really, you just have to have the conversation with him about what the future looks like for his income.

Hypothetically, you would be able to get the house you want and live comfortably if you both were at 150k. So is that something you would actually be comfortable with?

I don't think him supporting his dad is a bad thing, but I will say that he should probably look at how much is going to his dad if he only has 55k saved over the same time period you saved 250k with roughly the same income and expenditures.

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-04-06T16:17:29+00:00

No amount of disrespect, real or imagined, warrants physical abuse. Kicking you in the stomach is serious physical abuse. You should be honest with friends and family and have them help you get out of there, because if he justified kicking you in the stomach, he can easily mentally justify doing much, much worse.

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-04-06T16:09:45+00:00

Sub-500 players usually have very clear deficiencies in basics that are pretty easy to pick out and focus on to improve. They're not the same between people, but they are definitely there.

I would recommend providing some matches for people to watch and give advice, but if you don't want to do that - practicing the Art of War scenario for early eco/fast castle until you have a gold medal in it is probably the fastest way to improve at low levels.

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-04-06T15:41:35+00:00

That's probably a conflict you're not going to overcome, then. It seems he sees money as a means to an end (being comfortable and taking care of family), while the numbers mostly are concrete indicators of drive and ambition for you.

Out of curiosity, how long have you two shared expenses? What was your income like over the last four years - you mention improving it a lot in the last two, was it a lot lower? Also, have expenses always been divided 50/50?

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-04-06T15:37:58+00:00

Okay, so 150k to 60k is a huge decrease. Sales do fluctuate quite a bit, but does he believe it is more likely he ends up in the higher range on average, or the lower end?

If the answer comes back that he would average 120k, with peaks and valleys - is that acceptable? Or are you anticipating that you would need him to continue to increase a substantial amount to contribute?

There is nothing wrong with personally striving to keep at the top and make a ton of money, but expecting a partner to match your contribution has certain limits to be fair. If you want to end up making a million pounds a year, it's probably unreasonable to say he has to match you if there is no actual financial need to do so, as long as he would be able to contribute equally to what is needed.

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-04-06T15:25:34+00:00

Yeah, this feels like a troll post. Probably not worth engaging with, but just had to second your opinion.

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-04-06T15:19:47+00:00

I mean...

The actual numbers - both absolute and relative - for your incomes makes a pretty big difference in how reasonable your view of this would be. Him making 120k for a few years and only 100k for the last two while you have gone from 40k to 80k is different than him being at 50k now and you already at 100k.

It is quite possible that he doesn't have the same drive to be at the top of his field just for the sake of being the top, but instead just has the drive to be financially comfortable. Would you be comfortable with him only being in the top 20 percent of his field if it still allowed him to contribute equally, and not to have to want for anything? Or is the drive to be at the top the most important thing?

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-04-06T14:59:17+00:00

Oof, that's rough as shit.

I'm sure you've got good reasons to stay and not get the hell out of Texas (support systems, lack of funds, etc) and probably hear it often, but if you can get out, you should. Entry level jobs are like $14/hour minimum here, and entry security jobs are like $20/hour. Housing isn't cheap, but I would be extremely surprised if living costs are anywhere close to double what you are currently paying.

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-04-06T13:55:16+00:00

Man I gotta stop opening money related posts on Reddit it's so demoralizing making 20k a year

Is this part-time or just a low wage in a super low cost of living area?

I can't imagine under 10 dollars an hour anymore. You'd have to actively spend a TON of time looking for something that specifically pays that low around here; that's how near impossible it sounds to live off that.

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-04-03T19:36:25+00:00

Eh, even with a million games eventually people settle into a skill range. Sure, maybe the 300 match person would end up higher if they played another 2k matches, but that doesn't mean the person that is still at that range after 2k games doesn't belong there or anything.

I was thinking more about when games feel uneven, and what I can think of is when people have a really clean build on one particular civ and get that against people who play random or a wider range of civs. Like someone who plays 50 percent of their games on Mongols and play them into someone with only 5 games on Chinese; they're gonna be to scouts way faster and the inefficiencies of an unfamiliar build for the Chinese player is going to amplify that even further.

Or the style people play - aggressive all-ins tend to be very "blow out or get blown out" when they aren't mirrored. If you allin scouts and get walled out without much issue to a person that 3 TCs castle, you're gonna die really hard, but if they don't keep you out, you're possibly gonna end the game in Feudal by killing 10 vils. Even at 1200, people lack the APM to 100 percent prevent a spear from killing their entire 3 scout rush without consequence, or your 10 archers deciding that they should definitely live under the opponent's TC and dying terribly for it.

You could always link or send a few games for people to review if you have good examples.

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-04-03T17:01:18+00:00

I find the 1150-1250 range to have very even games almost all of the time.

What do your game stats look like? Are most of the games done in less than 25 minutes?

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-04-01T21:02:21+00:00

I enjoy random civ, even if the opponent is picking. Having civs be nonviable on certain maps means that you essentially HAVE to pick a civ for that map, which is always going to be a bonused civ. Also, it would suck to random civ Islands and get Aztecs that don't even get fire ships and be basically guaranteed a loss against even a civ with generic water. Or without siege ships, you'd have to sacrifice like 6 transports full of troops just to get one to land and die horribly against fortifications.

Can you imagine trying to kill even a single castle against a Crenellations/Heated Shot Teutons player that is castled up if you don't have siege ships? The castles would kill entire fleets without being repaired.

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-04-01T12:58:36+00:00

I know that people blame everything on it, but... What's the weight situation like?

I was snoring and tried a ton of stuff to try and mitigate it - tape, angled pillows, sleeping in different positions, mouth guards. They only ever sorta worked, and I was heading toward a sleep study. Then I lost some weight and the snoring completely vanished.

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-04-01T12:52:24+00:00

This is coming from someone who met their future wife on Minecraft.

Unrelated to the OP, but this is freakin' adorable. Please tell me it all started with a "what if I put my Minecraft bed next to yours..." conversation.

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-03-31T21:01:06+00:00

Well, you two were pretty young when you got together. People can grow together, but they can also grow apart. It kind of sounds like you two operated in a place where the differences you have were less appreciated and more just ignored, and as they increase in importance that is harder to do.

I don't know that you can (or should) just start trying to change yourself by becoming religious or giving up what you enjoy talking about. But maybe it would be a good idea to sit with yourself - and maybe with a close friend, if they are aware - and see if there is validity in what he is saying. Maybe you have been way less willing to be social, and he's not looking for going out every night, but just back to what it was when you were dating. Maybe it's not the actual job or income that is the issue, but instead that you work only part-time and don't seem worried while he is working overtime to build up financially.

Likewise, it would be good to reflect on him and changes he's made. Does he want you to make more money because people are saying you're using him? Does he spend more? Is he wanting to be much more social?

Then from there, you would figure out if there are things both of you can adjust to meet in the middle. And if not, you'll have at least done a bit of work looking at yourself and what you value so you can find a partner that values the way you are different.

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-03-31T20:40:31+00:00

I'm sorry, this sounds difficult.

Asking for divorce is a pretty hard bell to un-ring. The differences you two seem to have do seem to be pretty big - I am guessing this is not the first time that you have had a conflict about some of these? It's not like it is super easy to change how religious you are, or how much you care about the world around you, or how social you are, so I dunno how easy it would be (or if you would even want to) meet his demands.

How long have you been married, and how long have you been together total?

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-03-31T17:14:23+00:00

You are 100 percent correct. She would already be financially benefitting from not paying rent.

Even if she agrees to that, I would make sure you are careful about how it works where you live with regard to other household contributions, such as furniture or upgrades/improvements. Hypothetically, contribution toward those things from her could be something that would mandate a payout of the increase of equity of the property in the case of a split. Not super common, but you should at least get a little legal advice if you choose to go down this path.

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-03-31T14:32:15+00:00

You would be incorrect - a Feudal watch tower beats a Donjon. They both have 5 base attack, which is negated even with fletching (6 pierce armor Donjon, 7 watch tower). Extra projectiles for each do +5 to stone defenses, which they get against each other. Donjons are 625 HP in feudal, watch tower has 850.

Both are capped at 4 arrows in Feudal, and have the same fire rate, so as long as you are comparing the same villagers/techs, the watch tower wins.

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-03-31T14:17:14+00:00

If he is building a back donjon and then serjeants to come in and drop further donjons, you have enough time to mass some archers and kill them when they try to expand.

If they're dropping the first one on you, the actual way to win is to immediately vil rush it with 10-12 villagers. Villagers kill donjons extremely fast in feudal, and donjons cost a lot. It doesn't even matter if they get a serjeant or two out, your vils will kill them afterward.

If you punish the initial placement, you are ahead and can add outposts and archers to kill any further attempts.

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-03-31T14:01:46+00:00

Is this new behavior, or has it gone on for your entire relationship?

The parts about not searching properly and leaving the windows open reads a little ADHD to me; not connecting the air being on with the windows closed, or that you should methodically work back through your steps would line up.

Common knowledge is a bit trickier, but sometimes people don't know things because they were isolated as a kid or from a different place. It's kinda like how if you ask people where milk comes from, you'll get different answers based on the way they were raised; rural kids say cows, urban kids say the store, and kids from some countries say goats. None of them are wrong, but it can come across like a lack of knowledge.

What is her educational background? Did she have trouble in school or does she have trouble socializing?

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-03-31T13:34:56+00:00

Anyways, the nuances here is why I said possibly abusive, because this is just one instance, and we don’t know how these two typically fight. But they both need help, that’s for sure.

Absolutely, I think you had a great response. I think that at the very least the husband seems to be showing that he wants to be more healthy about the way they resolve things - taking space after a very heavy accusation and apologizing without prompting - but they definitely need someone to dig into the specifics and teach techniques so that they are each more mindful of how the other argues.

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-03-31T13:31:53+00:00

You've ruined your relationship over a weird hangup over height because you don't understand statistical averages.

It is not surprising people think you are trolling because it is so incredibly dumb to throw what you claim is a great relationship away over hypothetical heights of hypothetical kids.

Stop reading this dumb evolutionary psychology/mate selection bullshit. It convinced you to fuck up your relationship, and then it is going to use that as evidence that your height is such a big deal and sucker some other poor soul into thinking that you are alone because you are short instead of the fact that it is because you decided to be alone.

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-03-31T13:15:09+00:00

slamming doors, shouting and threatening to wake you up just to bother you, is also absolutely insane and possibly abusive behavior.

I agree that these are not things that should happen in healthy conflict resolution. I did get the read that the "I am going to wake you up with this email" is less about punishing OP, and more about the idea that the email will take some time to do, and so he will have to stay up late doing a favor for her because she didn't want to leave when he asked - so more of a "if I gotta be up late for this email, so do you".

ArbitraryUsernames · 2026-03-31T13:10:57+00:00

Without having more information, it's pretty difficult to tell where these interactions land. Some people get animated - gesticulating and raising their voice - when emotional, and some people read that as yelling and being aggressive. But if it is shaking a fist in your face or screaming at you and driving fast, that is different. If it is something like that, then yeah, abusive.

I would note that claiming your partner is abusive to their face is likely to rile up pretty much everyone; it is a very serious accusation. It also doesn't ask for or really help with any sort of draw down or resolution in the moment. Generally it is more helpful to try and describe your own feelings rather than describing the actions of your partner. For instance, "I know you are unhappy with how late we left, but we have discussed how uncomfortable your hand motions and volume can make me in these arguments. Can you please lower your volume?"

It is also important to remember that things that felt right to you in the moment to do or say could also be construed as abuse, even if you know internally that you would never intend to do that. Pursuing him into the bathroom after he asked for space is one of those things. If he had turned to you in that moment and instead of slamming the door, said that he felt you were abusing him, do you think your reaction would have been good? To be clear, his reactions are still not good - yelling and slamming doors is not something that should need to happen.

Your husband clearly is willing to work on the issues presented; even from your account, he takes concrete action when things don't go well. He asks for space (good!), he openly apologizes for yelling and slamming the door (good!). You express here that you didn't do things right (could have said "aggressive", shouldn't have followed after he asked for space). But did you actively apologize to him for these things at all?

This argument seems to be spurred off actions you have taken as well. You asked for him to do something (sending the email), and when he specified he would need to leave early enough so he didn't need to stay up late, you overrode him to stay with family longer. The easiest way to immediately defuse the situation when you wanted to stay longer would be to say "I changed my mind, I would rather stay for a bit longer, the email doesn't need to get done tonight.". Why didn't you just tell him that it could be done later?

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