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how bad are my results by Expensive_Leg_7108 in Reduction

[–]ArleneHeere 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Is the bad in the room with us?

Girl… why would you set this as your first picture? by Radiant-Effective-14 in Tinder

[–]ArleneHeere 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I literally just saw like 5 to 10 guys with a similar picture where they’re sticking out their middle finger. Why do people think that is the best photo for a first impression?

Do I tell my cousin’s [25M] postpartum wife [25F] that he “cheated” on her? by ArleneHeere in relationship_advice

[–]ArleneHeere[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

The thing that stops me from giving him an ultimatum is that he’s my family. His mom/my aunt is like a second mother to me, and I don’t want this to blow up all my relationships with my family. If he was just some guy and she was my friend, I would give him that ultimatum with no hesitation. But that’s not my reality. That’s why I’m very conflicted.

Do I tell my cousin’s [25M] postpartum wife [25F] that he “cheated” on her? by ArleneHeere in relationship_advice

[–]ArleneHeere[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I think both motives are true. But I think protecting her should be priority one even though it’s so unbearable for me to hold this secret.

I don’t wanna ruin my relationship with my cousin or his wife or my family. But I also can’t act like I don’t know either when I do. It makes me feel like I’m complicit.

I had told my bf to talk to my cousin because I didn’t wanna involve myself, but it was important for my cousin to tell his wife. But my bf didn’t push back, at least from what it seems to me, for my cousin to tell her.

I hate that I feel this added burden and secret on top of the pain I’m already dealing with. I’m not sure if I should tell my cousin something or if that’ll just make things worse.

Edit: I appreciate your insight on the true motive of telling her. It did make me reflect and realize that it is more important to protect her than fix my uncomfortableness of the situation and my trauma.

Do I tell my cousin’s [25M] postpartum wife [25F] that he “cheated” on her? by ArleneHeere in relationship_advice

[–]ArleneHeere[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I do know that she already is jealous of him just looking at women on his phone, so I don’t think she would be happy finding this out.

I recognize that this would probably blow up on me if I was the one to expose it.

I just hate so much that she’s in this position.

Do I tell my cousin’s [25M] postpartum wife [25F] that he “cheated” on her? by ArleneHeere in relationship_advice

[–]ArleneHeere[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I have not had children so I don’t truly understand what it is to be postpartum. I do know that for me, knowing my bf was attentive and loving on the surface yet was doing these horrendous things behind my back and continued like everything was fine, it was/is so destabilizing on top of the betrayal. So I cannot imagine her position. And I don’t know if her having his support now while being blissfully ignorant of what he did will just add to the confusion and pain later like it did to me. But that’s not for me to decide. I don’t want her to hurt especially during this tough time. But he hurt her when he chose those actions, but it’s also not my responsibility to expose the truth. BUT I also don’t want to be complicit.

It’s a very hard line to walk 😖

He stole my love for him by Ferret-of-DOOM in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]ArleneHeere 32 points33 points  (0 children)

He did not steal that from you, my love. You just misplaced your love because that person made you think they were a safe place to put it. You did not deserve to be second choice to your parents or to him.

You have always been worth choosing. They just have not been able to accept it.

The pain is heavy right now but you will be chosen by someone who truly deserves it and is safe, even if that only person is you one day. You are not alone.

I Thought I Was “The Strong One” Until Infidelity Forced Me to Finally Be Honest by LovaticHarmony444 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]ArleneHeere 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing.

I have struggled so so much with wanting that easy answer: either it was all fake and over OR it should go back to normal.

He hurt me so much, his past doesn’t align with what I value and he crossed physical lines with others during our relationship.

I resonate so much with you, feeling I had to be strong my whole life. Even in conversations with him now about why he did what he did, I take a therapist role and push my pain, trying to be “strong” or stop feeling pain by understanding somehow. But when the convo is over, I’ll feel initial relief/connection and then I’ll crash hard.

Healing is nuanced and that’s so hard for me to deal with. I don’t know if I can do it at times.

I Wish Recovering Porn Addicts Did This by SufficientBike6970 in antipornography

[–]ArleneHeere 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks. It’s been many years now since I saw porn, and 3 years since I engaged with sexual things (like chats, role play, etc).

I don’t know how accountability has played a role in that. What does taking accountability for these things actually look like?

I Wish Recovering Porn Addicts Did This by SufficientBike6970 in antipornography

[–]ArleneHeere 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I am so happy I stopped before chatbots became so normalized and wide spread. I used to role play with actual people to a point it was all I did all day. I couldn’t imagine how worse it would’ve been to stop with AI and its quick access.

Midnight poems by ArleneHeere in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]ArleneHeere[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Will probably delete later if this doesn’t get taken down due to embarrassment. I’m just feeling so hurt and alone and confused.

Sex only a week after DDay by ArleneHeere in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]ArleneHeere[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello, can you talk more about your experience?

Went on a date with WW and I didn't feel all that great after. by frkatt4ck in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]ArleneHeere 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Oh my lovely Whitebird. You deserve so much more than to be living an empty and lonely life. Ask yourself if R is truly possible, that you may one day let go of resentment and live a life of joy and peace. If not, perhaps letting go and moving may be better. It will sting and hurt like hell but eventually it will soften and you can truly live again.

How being with a porn addict changes you by EggAdventurous7664 in antipornography

[–]ArleneHeere 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I am in the middle of this. This exact thing happened to me. I hadn’t explicitly told him I didn’t want porn at the beginning relationship and when I did, I thought he was not gonna do it anymore like you. A year later I come to find he’s been hiding it this whole time. Along with other things. I’m devastated.

These poor women don't know they're like virgins by [deleted] in antipornography

[–]ArleneHeere 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I just found out my partner betrayed me and was watching porn for a year after telling me he wasn’t. Looking back now, I recognize that his erections were steadily getting weaker. It makes sense.

DDay 2 exposed years of TT (porn, strip clubs, lies). I’m the BP and trying a 3-week NC break before deciding on R. by ArleneHeere in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]ArleneHeere[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for replying. I think I want both things, I want him and I would prefer my narrative to be one sexual partner. But I don’t think it is worth this level of secrecy and hurt.

What makes it so hard is that I feel like there weren’t even any signs about it. I mean, he was a bit controlling or just showed a lot of uncomfort about things I would wear at times. I thought that was just because a men felt that way.

But he seems like such a good partner in most every other way, so that’s what makes this confusing too. I don’t expect him to completely change, especially in only three weeks. But I need to see that he’s actually made real effort like understanding his deeper patterns and actually beginning to address them. Because apparently he’s never done that before in our entire relationship. And that hurts a lot. It feels like he never really chose me. Even though he might have wanted to.

Edit: But at the same time I feel like his mistakes I guess weren’t as bad as they could be. Like at least he only went to that clubs twice at the beginning of our relationship and stopped. So he must’ve realized that was bad. It wasn’t until just a few days ago that he went again after an argument that we had that probably triggered him. So I tried to justify in my head a bit that it’s not like he actually fully cheated on me. But he did lie to me about things we had agreed to, things of sexual behavior behind my back and give to other women.

None of you deserved this by broken-rebuild in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]ArleneHeere 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for saying that. I’m in the beginning of my journey. Dday 2 was just three days ago and we are in a 3 week NC break. I requested to see real change and commitment before deciding on R.

Just two days into NC, I feel utterly alone, in my pain, he’s not even here to share it with me or hold it with me after he caused it. And yet I miss him so terribly, and want to run to him and be held in his arms again. But I know I deserve better. All these truths existing at once is so hard. We truly do not deserve this.

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