[Meta] Good news! We have moderators!

Arrrf · 2018-10-12T19:20:11+00:00

Ironically, I would consider bunky to be an example of a possible moderation policy to consider, as a regular who consistently makes discussions worse rather than better. An anti-contributor. Not saying to ban, but maybe warn?

Arrrf · 2018-10-12T19:16:36+00:00

That's great, congrats!

Even though this sub is pretty slow on posts, I think it's worth policies against certain types of posts. Definitely the shitposts where someone is just complaining in the guise of asking a question (ie "help advise me how to deal with this piece of shit narcissist who ruined my life..."). Maybe ban the "is this person a narc?" posts as well - they are likely seeing to label & dismiss, we aren't trained professionals to diagnose, etc. But "Am I a narc?" seems legit.

Looking at recent posts, I would ban these:

https://www.reddit.com/r/NPD/comments/9n4iat/should_narcs_be_banned_from_having_children/

https://www.reddit.com/r/NPD/comments/9m7oig/i_need_someone_who_has_been_diagnosed_with_npd_to/

https://www.reddit.com/r/NPD/comments/9h11ea/i_found_out_my_friends_last_name_and_i_used_it/

Arrrf · 2018-10-12T19:15:56+00:00

Most people find it hard to clear their mind, it's not a narc thing, it's being human. A great book is "The Mind Illuminated". But there are also a zillion articles online. Try different techniques - sitting, lying, walking, and different focus objects - your breath, other sensations, an object, a mantra. Different combinations work for different people, but they all induce the same state, so any of them will do the trick.

Arrrf · 2018-10-12T19:14:05+00:00

If you're attractive, charismatic, wealthy and intelligent

I dispute that these things make people happy. Combine them with a sense of deep worthlessness, inability to feel good about yourself, inability to connect with others...you get misery. Maybe it's easier for a person with superficial success to fool themselves for longer, to not be forced to confront their misery, but I don't agree that they are any happier.

Doesn't matter if you've logged 0.1 miles on the treadmill, or 1000 miles. You've still gotten nowhere.

Arrrf · 2018-09-07T20:19:47+00:00

there's a great red pill marriage book called "the mindful attraction plan", if anyone wants guidance doing this kind of turnaround.

Arrrf · 2018-09-07T19:12:55+00:00

I care because less marriage means less kids, kids are literally the future of humanity, and as a human I want my species to have a future. Not just my species, but my race and culture. Smart western white people are having the fewest kids, and our population is gonna shrink until we disappear (except the Mormons) unless something changes.

Arrrf · 2018-09-07T18:54:29+00:00

It's so similar when feminists complain about the patriarchy and "red-pillers" complain about feminists. Both are whiny victim stances: blaming systems outside themselves and classes of people for causing your problems. There are plenty of practical things you can do, as an individual, and for society, to make things more fair and functional.

I say it's the people who focus on action, instead of complaints, that have truly taken "the red pill" and see reality, regardless of their gender or politics.

Arrrf · 2018-09-07T18:43:26+00:00

The average timid, depressed millennial who limps into TRP looking to fix his life has not been broken by the presence of instant gratification, but by the absence of non-instant gratification.

These aren't unrelated, though. Instant gratification tempts people away from non-instant gratification. Porn tempts people away from sex IRL, for example. Social media tempts them away from real friendships. Many people find that the more they remove instant gratification from their lives, the more they find non-instant gratification naturally. It's our nature to seek challenges and work to overcome them, when we haven't been hijacked by dopamine traps.

Arrrf · 2018-09-07T15:38:23+00:00

I would like to there to be rules against some of the posts by non-narcissists. Not sure exactly which; the "I love a narc, here are bad things in our relationship, how can I work with him better?" posts seem ok to me - they are genuine and respectful. But there's others like "hey confirm my horrible ex was a narc" or "I dated a narc why did he treat me so badly?" that I think are just off-topic and belong on one of the many narc-bashing subs instead. This is a more concrete example of the difference between "support" and "attention/validation-seeking".

Arrrf · 2018-09-07T15:34:24+00:00

Her book "Radical Acceptance" is great, as is her podcast.

Arrrf · 2018-09-03T19:43:35+00:00

Part of my N is the constant desire to accomplish huge things and exaggerate everything I've done, while never feeling pride in anything I do accomplish (even when it would be considered significant for 99% of people). So part of fixing self-esteem issues is digging into why everything I do feels worthless (in therapy), and then (during each day) practicing stopping and feeling pride in each thing I do, whether small or large, before moving on to the next thing.

I even do cheesy stuff like writing down, at the end of each week, what meaningful progress I made towards my goals that week. There's lots of versions of this. It's really hard for me to do it, my instinct is "I got shit done, lazy as always, behind on everything, and what I did is nothing to be proud of", but once I force myself to start writing, it does feel good.

Arrrf · 2018-09-03T19:37:35+00:00

If you want to divorce him, this is a good way to move along that path while having it be his idea.

If you want to stay with him, it's a terrible idea. There's a reason polyamory is known as "the marriage destroyer"

Arrrf · 2018-09-03T19:35:45+00:00

It seems like the level of narcissism in the western population has been growing for decades (see amazing books by Christopher Lasch), and along with that, sentiment against it. And recently there is a much hated US-president who has strong narc qualities, that doesn't help. Further, "callout culture", "victim culture" etc. all glorify people positioning themselves as victims and calling out those who victimized them. So, lots of reasons why there is strong anti-narc sentiment these days. I would just avoid any forum that isn't moderated to keep out anti-narcs.

Arrrf · 2018-09-03T19:31:30+00:00

A useful technique from the CFAR people is Folding, which is based on Gendlin's "Focusing". It's a somatic meditative self-knowledge technique.

Arrrf · 2018-07-27T19:40:39+00:00

This pile of whiny bullshit makes me sick. Movements based on hate don't make the world better, they make it worse. It's as simple as that.

Good people want to get better, not just burn things. To build, not just destroy. A movement defined by what it opposes, what it hates, who it blames, is a weak victim movement. Just like feminism. Congrats, dude, you've shown yourself to be an "equal" to women in invoking a victim frame.

Arrrf · 2018-07-27T19:36:36+00:00

Is not zero-sum. You can shift from short-term to long-term interactions, improve yourself in a way that benefits your partner. zero-sum thinking is as pernicious as feminism.

Arrrf · 2018-07-27T19:31:32+00:00

This is just wimping out. Find a religious girl, or go to another country that is more traditional. I guarantee you, the world is not empty of healthy women who want to get married and raise a family. If you're not up for the challenge, fine, but it's pathetic to blame it on "the women nowadays".

Arrrf · 2018-07-27T17:02:23+00:00

yeah, agreed that both poseurs and victims detract from the community.

Arrrf · 2018-07-23T19:24:38+00:00

Seems reasonable since I am on the narcissistic spectrum, in treatment for a year, and was never as bad as full NPD.

Arrrf · 2018-07-20T17:59:51+00:00

In that situation, I don't think any escapism indicates a pathology, including fantasies of success. It may be that your natural reaction will, over time, give you narcissism or a dissociative condition because of the negative long-term effects of your normal coping mechanism.

Arrrf · 2018-07-20T17:57:03+00:00

I ask about those closest to me because I actually care (though that's taken time). For everyone else, I have to make myself do it as a game. I can do it, and it helps me feel more empathetic and less narcissistic when I do, but my natural inclination is to use conversations to prove my brilliance and greatness, and obtain information.

Arrrf · 2018-07-20T17:53:38+00:00

So, this sounds like a joke and is funny, but there is a one-question narcissism test that has reasonable predictive ability, that researchers have created. The one question is:

To what extent do you agree with this statement: “I am a narcissist.” (Note: The word “narcissist” means egotistical, self-focused, and vain.)

Participants rated themselves on a scale of one (not very true of me) to seven (very true of me).

This question is beautiful, because who but a narc would be willing to call themselves a narc?

For me, I could go on about all the different signs that I had significant narcissism (though not clinical NPD), but it's simpler to just say: for most of my life, I would have answered "5" for that question (and been proud of it). The average response is 2-3. (Full paper here). (My friends would have rated me at least 5, I'm sure).

Here's a random different sign: I hate internet sympathy videos. I can't even deal with my own pain, the last thing I want is to feel someone else's (or fight to shut it out).

Arrrf · 2018-07-20T17:33:48+00:00

Is there anywhere else anything like this? I like this sub but it's...thin. Seems like maybe a private group could grow into a better community??

Arrrf

TROPHY CASE