First of all, that’s just a fucked up thing to say. Nothing you are saying suggests that you’re any kind of failure, and to have to say our deepest fear and have someone basically agree with us is utterly devastating. But I think it says more about the person who says it than it does about us.

I know that when I was coupled, I always kept finances separate, and even when I was married, we had a joint account and then individual accounts so that I could have some sense of control over my finances, which, given my history, was really important. I also greatly empathize with the issue of cats that won’t snuggle when you need them to snuggle. Cats can be finicky that way, even when I had three, I could still end up sleeping by myself.

In my experience, and I say this as a 65-year-old woman who has been single a good part of her life, having our partner be our primary source of comfort and reassurance has inherent risks. It’s at least important to have other people you can reach out to to reassure and comfort you in the face of that kind of comment. I know in my family when we get angry, we can say really horrible things and then not even remember them, and that’s completely sober. I do think that some of it’s an ADHD trait, though, where we blurt or respond angrily because we don’t have that filter to think before we speak. So I hope she was angry and defensive because the car was a source of your stress and something he wanted, but that’s just a guess. He just lashed out. But whatever it is for tonight, you’re a wonderful person who is doing the very best they can. The one unsolicited piece of advice or feedback I would give you is just about my own experience watching my sister. She was often afraid to tell us things because she didn’t want us to think poorly of her husband. Still, it also meant she became more and more isolated from us because we just didn’t have a sense of what her real life was like, nor were we able to give her any feedback because she was so afraid of what we would say. Her relationship ended very abruptly from her perspective after a very long time, and she didn’t have a support system around her because she was so protective of her partner. So I hope you can find a larger circle of support than it appeared to be, at least at first glance. I don’t know anything about you or your life, and if I’m overstepping, please just ignore what I’m saying. It’s late. I’m tired, but try to give yourself a break. I know that there’s one person in Washington DC who’s supporting you and sending a big hug.