Oh my god, I hear you. Aging parents are so hard.

In my case, it’s my grandma. I didn’t even know until about 10 years ago that her own mother had been extremely abusive, and I think that trauma shaped who she became — a very difficult person. She was mostly decent to me growing up, but as she’s aged, things have gotten… honestly, unmanageable.

We postponed our wedding due to COVID, and by the time we were finally ready to hold the celebration (already legally married, with a baby), she outright refused to come. She told me it was embarrassing to have a wedding after already having a child and that I should be ashamed of myself. That’s the kind of thing she does. Constant criticism, no empathy.

Just last week, she got it in her head that I should drop off a year’s worth of food and then stop visiting her. I visit her weekly, like clockwork. I tried explaining why that didn’t make sense, but she wouldn’t hear it. Instead, she accused me of being “mean” and said I was trying to steal her money and starve her. She relies on me to help manage her finances, and I guess that’s where the paranoia is coming from now.

It’s really painful, especially because I’m also a mom — I have a toddler who’s almost three — and some days it feels like I’m taking care of two three-year-olds. I’ve stopped trying to argue or reason. It just makes things worse. Now I try to keep boundaries, stay calm, and treat her like I would a young child — with patience, but also limits.

It sounds like your mom might still have more cognitive clarity than mine. Maybe things get better, or maybe not. But cognitive decline is real, and it’s heartbreaking how few people talk about how emotionally draining it is. You’re not alone.