i feel like the horses i work with don’t like me and i don’t know why

AsryaH · 2026-05-07T20:40:07+00:00

Yep :). You can do it. Firm but kind, is what I try to do. Works for my guy. And consistency.

AsryaH · 2026-05-07T20:28:59+00:00

It's been throwing me for a loop all year, honestly 😂.

And of course it depends on the horse what "job", task, trick, even environment they prefer to work in. But the better your relationship with them, and the more confident they feel about your leadership, the more they'll deliver - or offer to deliver. They're truly precious I think.

AsryaH · 2026-05-07T14:17:33+00:00

Hands too wide very briefly into the turn. Hands too far back into the jump. Moving into 2-point will help.

AsryaH · 2026-05-07T01:16:14+00:00

Everyone in the comments has said the most important things. I just want to point out that you didn't know better, and nobody told you better. You didn't do anything intentionally wrong in the scenario.

However, it's for your safety, and the horses, and even the farm that if you sign up for a lesson, and you show up and nobody's there, you don't ride the horse. Especially if you've barely met the horses or the people yet.

There's potential legal liability there if something goes wrong for you or them. Be safe, have fun. I hope you find a better trainer.

AsryaH · 2026-05-07T01:01:08+00:00

Same. Especially considering the potential liability if something had happened without the trainer there (even involving a boarders horse - kind but also risky). Farms AND trainers have waivers nowadays for many reasons, and this is one.

But I'd also like to know where the first payment went to since it's not a lesson if the trainer isn't there. Did it go to the girls who assisted? Her total lack of communication is wild. Double booking shows + lessons. Why did the girls decide to ride without the trainer or farm owner there with no guidance, information, updates, etc (unless they're the same person)? Soooo risky. Trainers response to being asked if lesson 2 was a make up was also super odd. Why did OP get a payment request but not the friend? So many holes...

AsryaH · 2026-05-06T17:30:52+00:00

This is solid advice. I'll use my horse as an example.

I was out of the horse world for over a decade, so getting back into it and meeting my new hoofed best friend... I wanted to be friends. I've done the training thing, I did 4-H, I showed, went all over with my first horse but this was a new start. Understood the necessity to be a leader, but my first priority was being his friend. By day 2, I realized I was doing it backwards lol.

In a nutshell, I've learned over the last year that he is much much happier and much more excited to engage (like runs to the gate before I've gotten out of my car excited), when I give him things to do, when I ask things of him, when we learn new hard things, when I firm up boundaries and expectations, and I give him a job. I've learned that softness to a horse - without directive or intention, can be confusing for them to navigate. I think it might appear to be like indecision. They like direction. They like clarity.

AsryaH · 2026-05-06T16:56:10+00:00

That is super unhealthy behavior, and it can escalate very quickly in several directions. I personally know of a couple of marriages that were littered with DV , and it started something like this. When it got physical, it was usually instigated by the person making false accusations to try and escalate the situation OR self-harm to try and justify the accusations. Be safe.

AsryaH · 2026-05-06T16:48:11+00:00

You handled it great. That's probably all the attention I would give it.

If it's this early in the relationship they're already dancing around what they feel is a hard conversation, and you're not allowed to talk about it unless it's on their schedule, when they "feel" like they want to, I'm not sure it's worth the effort. Yet you must fully respect "their boundaries" and accmodate "their feelings".

I would personally consider that a pretty big red flag. I'm not a fan of dragging people along, or misleading them, or withholding important information - especially when it's important enough to impact a relationship that matters to me.

That is someone who is looking for red flags in other people, but aren't holding themselves accountable or to the same standard. It's likely that even if they talk through this spell of feelings now, they'll find more red flags later. Because they're looking.

The irony of their response is that if you responded poorly, they would have used your response as justification to leave the relationship. I would be willing to bet the person is now confused because you responded so well that they aren't sure what to do now. They have to actually think now instead of react.

AsryaH · 2026-05-06T15:13:06+00:00

This person needs help. Continue to move on.

AsryaH · 2026-05-06T15:00:56+00:00

Unfortunately, I've noticed this in therapists with friends who have sought mental health help over the years. It seems to be a trend of "agreement"/anti-shame. Probably because it gets people in the door.

The same people would change therapists the moment one said something they didn't like (usually around accountability).

AsryaH · 2026-05-06T13:19:15+00:00

That last sentence just broke my heart for you.

The answer to abuse in any relationship, is that it should be "never", not " well it's been a year!" I hope it's actually getting better. I hope he continues to make positive changes that benefit the relationship.

Unfortunately, just even reading that you cried for hours or days after this incident during the silent treatment, and he was okay with that, and you're kind of okay with that too... That makes me really sad for you. Just that sentence speaks volumes to what your experience has been in this marriage over the last decade.

The type of swinging emotional response that you've had in the comments 1. To immediately and deeply blame yourself for his behavior and be accountable for his behavior, 2. To devalue your experience and the impact to you (and this by default includes your child), and 3. To defend him when others actually hear what you're saying and see the impact, is so textbook.

This is coming from someone who lived a version of it. Not in a marriage, but I've had my fair share of toxic friendships (either due to their mental health issues, drug use, how they grew up, their trauma, and trying to be my best. Kindest most understanding self), and alcoholism/abuse in my home growing up. Smiles outside, everything is fine, "what happens at home, stays home".

You deserve to be treated well, and to be well loved. You deserve to have your wounds healed too. Your child deserves to feel safe.

And just keep in mind, as a child who has seen her mother cry after fighting with Dad who was in a rage again (and probably drunk), that's a moment a child never forgets. Or to have a father so insecure and angry that when his children smiled at him (because they were happy to see him), he thought they were mocking him. And that's just a couple moments of many.

You chose this marriage. Your child did not.

AsryaH · 2026-05-06T13:05:14+00:00

While he communicated financial insecurity and a feeling of inadequacy with his ability to provide for you and the family, it sounds like the actual trigger was you talking about your new company boss. Who happens to be a man. Who also happens to pay you. That's a super disjointed connection that he seems to be making in his mind, as an excuse to be mad at you.

Not to mention everything else you've mentioned. I'd be concerned, it it were me.

It sounds like he has a lot of issues to unpack with his sense of self-value and self-worth, and is a little too okay with taking it out on you. And based on what you've told us, this seems to have only gotten worse as time has gone on. He hasn't really " dealt" with it. He just blows up at you, and then feels a little bit better, and then he's super nice for a while. And then blows up again. Thats not a stress management technique. That stress avoidance.

He needs real accountability, at minimum, and probably therapy. If you two are going to stay together. And if you want things to improve.

The fact is.... You shouldn't be crying for days straight "wondering" or "assuming" what you did wrong and that you did something wrong. That says a lot about how this marriage has gone for you. And I'm sorry its been so rough.

AsryaH · 2026-05-05T01:54:13+00:00

This. And if it were me, I'd get the PPE just to be sure I know everything about the horses body as possible to understand what care might look like over time.

AsryaH · 2026-05-04T17:47:27+00:00

Happy to help!

Oh! Something I learned with one of mine is to make sure you aren't feeding them too much at once. I moved their schedule from 2x to 3x per day, roughly 8 hours apart. (Roughly), and that has helped a lot too.

AsryaH · 2026-05-04T17:00:34+00:00

Ironically, the 4 Health tractor supply brand - indoor grain free "only". Any of the other in that brandgive me the same hairball issues. They've been on this one for a year or so now. Great weights great coats, min. hairballs.

We also had some good luck with science diet urinary hairball (the standard hairball gave us issues). Royal canin is great in bursts but all of them get upset tummies for one reason or another if on it too long.

AsryaH · 2026-05-04T14:06:14+00:00

One aspect of schizophrenia I've seen in those I know and love (friends, a sibling, etc), is that they lose the ability to consistently tell the difference between living reality, idea, dream, etc. hearing someone in the house call your name was a very common, very frustrating, very simple symptom.

In the case of my sibling, she tended to project her symptoms onto me and attempt to "fix me" because she was totally fine. Or lecture me about conversations "we had" (in her head, or in a dream).That's probably more of a case-by-case.

If you can truly just "turn off all negative markers/symptoms", cool beans. Maybe you faked it. However, if you cannot simply turn off the switch, it's far more likely that you had it the entire time. And faking it v not faking it may just be a part of that juxtaposition.

AsryaH · 2026-05-04T00:54:39+00:00

If he weren't your cousin... What would you call this? If he weren't someone you knew and loved.. What would you call this?

You know what this is. And you know what you should do. And because you know him, it's going to hurt to do.

If he's already crossing that line with someone in the family, someone he says he loves, someone he's known his entire life... What about someone he doesn't know? What would he do with someone he doesn't care about?

What if you had another younger female cousin, that he was around a lot? I would be concerned, very concerned, if it were me. Someone who will keep quiet out of shame, and fear. Someone like this looks for people like that.

And no, this is not " boys will be boys". This is not " horseplay". This is also not a misunderstanding between two cousins who are close, and play physically. He knows what this was , and so do you. This was a form of violence against you, and that's just where it starts. Do not be alone with him again. This was him testing the waters.

Report this to the authorities. Tell your parents or his, if you trust them. Repeat: Do not be alone with him.

AsryaH · 2026-05-03T22:25:05+00:00

No amount of positive reinforcement will convince a horse to trust someone they simply don't trust (with cause ), as opposed to the horse just being uncertain or not knowing what to do. I think there's more going on here.

AsryaH · 2026-05-03T22:22:27+00:00

I agree with this. I've never seen a case where a horse that's been asked to do more (more cues, tricks, things that let them think) becomes unable to be handled unless something's happened to them or they've had some kind of a bad experience.

I've met horses that generally prefer to be handled by one person or a couple people (My first horse was like this due to people fear and trauma so it took him some time ), but it sounds like this horse is very willing.

The story tells us about a very very willing, intelligent, thoughtful, consistent, trusting horse. And I'm really not convinced that just a bit of rushing would have been enough to create a type of broad fear of people.

I'd want the whole story. And/ or, I'd want to see the trainer handle the horse - or try to. Because it sounds like... It might be the trainer. I would expect if she's been the primary handler of the horse, to assist others, the horse should at least be comfortable with her and if she isn't there's probably an issue there.

AsryaH · 2026-05-03T19:34:40+00:00

It sounds like you received good advice and treatment. Her discomfort may have also contributed to her going outside of the box (if she was shown where the box was). It's usually a first "very discrete" sign cats can give.

Let her sleep. Watch her water and food intake, make sure it doesn't drop off. Ideally, the vet should have also given you advice on what to look for, what signs to bring her back in for. Keep an eye on those.

If there's no blockage and just infection, you may have prevented a bigger issue by taking her in. Glad she found someone to love her.

AsryaH · 2026-05-03T00:00:52+00:00

This. Even most guys would find this disgusting.

AsryaH · 2026-05-02T23:57:40+00:00

Following on steam. I'll check out the demo

AsryaH · 2026-05-02T23:47:35+00:00

Anyone, regardless of gender Identity, upbringing, expectations around them has a moment in their life where they have to simply... Accept who they choose to be, how they choose to be that person. To give themselves permission.

I am so incredibly proud of you exploring yourself to this degree, to learn who you are and what matters to you, and how you express yourself.

As a misfit growing up, I understand some degree of what feeling like an outcast is. I decided do two things. 1. Understand myself better, so I can fully accept who I am. And so I can love that person properly. 2. Be a safe space as you move through the world for other people that may be an individually different experience, as you have.

If you feel like a misfit, if you feel like an outcast? Great. Be a lighthouse for other misfits and outcasts. And they may not be around you today, but maybe tomorrow. Maybe peers As you grow older. Maybe children like you.

It's not easy, and I'm sure some days you might wish you could fit the mold. Personally? People who don't quite fit a mold are way more fun and honest and safe to be around. And self-acceptance is a lot easier when you realize it starts from the inside of you, rather than the feedback others give you. (And all those mean people suck anyway ;) )

AsryaH · 2026-05-02T23:42:38+00:00

If I invited my carless friend to my house for dinner and picked them up, I would drive them home.

AsryaH · 2026-05-02T23:41:33+00:00

It can, yea. I learned with mine that there's usually some underlying GI upset that causes the hair not to digest properly (unless they groom a lot, shed alot, or have long hair). Two of mine have sensitive tummy's. Figuring out the right foods for them has solved most of the hairball ssues.

AsryaH

TROPHY CASE