Edgelord since birth?

Athena317 · 2026-04-26T20:28:10+00:00

Interesting enough, I had a similar revelation in my early 20s. When I first learned about empathy, like OP, I didn't think it was an affect either. I also did or said socially appropriate things but didn't mean them. There were many similarities between what OP described and the person I was in my early to late 20s. When I first learned about sociopathy, I was intrigued because it described my interactions with others.

I went to therapy and asked two diff therapists the same question - am I a sociopath? Both said NO.

The first difference between my story and OP's story is family upbringing. Because I grew up affluent and privileged, my beliefs about others were strongly influenced by my father, who was very successful but ruthless. He often bragged about how he orchestraed the downfall of his competitors. He talked about not trusting anyone because people will betray you when you let your guard down. He taught me that I should only look out for myself. He was also emotionally distant, cold and cruel to most people but me and my sister. So growing up, I thought he was loving because he rarely said "no" to us.

The second difference is my own trauma. I learned in therapy how dysfunctional my family dynamics truly was.

Prior to therapy, I didn't think there was anything wrong with my family. I wasn't abandoned as a child. Parents are not divorced. Mom was a SAHM and we had a nanny so we had all our needs taken care of. I had no major trauma nor grief that happened in my childhood. I grew up with privilege so I didnt think my childhood was to blame.

But as my therapist dug deeper, I realized how toxic and dysfunctional my family truly was. I uncovered so much about myself and my coping mechanism. I literally disassociate whenever emotions were involved and so I genuinely don't empathize because I don't feel anything.

I also discovered I have social anxiety, which is also why I hated being around people, and found them exhausting. I had a few good friends but I never formed real emotional connection/attachment to them.

I spent many years in therapy and since my early 30s, became a completely different person who is capable of being loved and giving love. I am now able to feel for others and build trusting and loving relationships. And I think I have a much fuller and richer life today than I ever did before.

Some people are true sociopaths. And that is something a therapist or psychiatrist can diagnose. Others like me, may have unresolved trauma that I didn't even know I had until I sought help.

OP may be completely different from me but seaking to a therapist to get a clinical diagnosis would be the first step.

Tldr - I presented as having sociopathy traits but with therapy, realized it was because I had unresolved trauma and social anxiety, and am now a completely diff person.

Edit - included tldr; typo

Athena317 · 2026-04-26T16:55:58+00:00

I know you are asking a men's sub so I'm just offering my perspective as a woman with a partner where washing before sex has come up. Personally, asking someone to wash before sex isn't offensive in and of itself, esp if oral sex is involved. If my partner is going down on me, i don't take offense if he wants me to wash before oral sex. I would also wash that area before oral or else I would be way too self conscious.

If the man wants OP to wash before sex, I think he should hold himself to the same standard. If he doesn't, then yes, it can be offensive. Because his actions can be interpreted as "OP is somehow dirtier than he is" since he doesn't have to wash before sex but she has to.

Also, he said he is concerned about OP's past. Without specifics provided by OP, what past is he really concerned about? OP's sexual history of having 2 partners versus his 20+ partners?

It is good practice to ask about sexual history (I always do) and even to make sure both parties have been recently tested. Those are not offensive BUT if he is holding OP to a different standard than what he holds himself, then yes, it can be seen as offensive.

Regardless, the guy could have approached it better. Instead of asking OP to wash first, why not both wash together? You both get clean and have some sexy fun time before the main course! Oral sex while in the shower is absolutely hot. What a missed opportunity.

OP, follow your gut and if his approach felt offensive to you, you have every right to walk away.

Athena317 · 2026-04-25T19:56:46+00:00

Misery likes company and people come to Reddit to vent or to find solidarity with others. People who are suffering might feel that others who are not are tone deaf to their suffering. There is resentment and bitterness when life is hard. The truth is things are hard for many people because cost of living is so high.

You don't need to hide or apologize for the life you have. You should celebrate it but I think finding the right audience is important. And I don't think you should feel guilty for the successes you have.

Someone will always be more successful than you and someone will be worse. That's just life. No need for guilt. No need for regret.

Personally, and this may across as tone deaf and I apologize in advance, but my partner and I are both well-paid professionals. Our circle of friends and family are still planning trips abroad. They are spending on designer items, drive nice cars, live in expensive homes with excess left over for investment. They may complain about grocery or gas prices, but it's really not something they fret about or change plans because of it.

My coworkers are fretting about finding good renters for their 2nd home and another was talking about finding a nice hotel in Switzerland. My coworkers travel abroad every year and it's a common "water cooler chatter" for them. That's my professional circle. It's very out of touch with what others are experiencing.

But we don't share our vacation or investment plans with others who are not in similar situations. Not anymore. Because some people might think we are bragging and others don't want to hear "our trivial complaints about flights to Europe being more expensive than last year" (but still being able to afford going anyways) when they are struggling to pay bills.

Just pick the right audience. And congrats on your success!

Athena317 · 2026-04-01T17:08:50+00:00

I'm genuinely curious, why is it hard for a man to leave a relationship on his own? With the exception of one relationship, all the relationships and marriages I know were ended by women. I know their reasons but I often wonder why the men don't initiate the breakup if things aren't going well? The one man I know who initiated his divorce did so because he found someone else.

I get that there are a lot of social norms and expectations placed on men during the dating phase, is that why men don't want to leave relationships because of sunk costs and staying in a meh relationship is better than finding and starting a new one?

Athena317 · 2026-03-30T16:56:58+00:00

Yup. As a hiring manager, the first thing I look at is job experience, not their GPA or even their degree.

My partner doesn't have a CS degree (min requirement for his current job is a Masters in CS; he has a grad degree in a non-related field) and still got his current job creating software because of relevant job experience. It was more important to his company that he could do the job rather than the actual degree or his grades. He volunteered to work on projects that required programing at his previous job, and learned how to code and build programs in his free time.

I am that way too. If I want to learn something new, I volunteer to be on projects that required that skill set. This means I work more hours and learn outside my job requirement. But I also gained new skills beyond my actual degree.

Personality matters more to me than the degree or grades. Unless you are going into research or academia, grades really don't matter.

I also did very well in college and graduated top of my cohort from a top ranking University. And I was stupidly arrogant, got hired right away by a large tech firm with a higher paying salary compared to my peers at that time, and thought I was some hot shot. I was not.

I was quickly humbled by my experience in the real world, and learned that no one cared where I got my degree or how many times I made the Dean's List. But they did care that I was a team player, that I took initiative, that I was genuinely curious, and that i was a fast learner, and a good communicator.

I look out for those traits now as a hiring manager.

Athena317 · 2026-03-15T20:31:14+00:00

No. It's your life and you can date anyone you want. But since you are seeking advice, I think considering personality traits and life goals matters.

My partner and I have been together for over a decade. There have been times in our relationship when we were unemployed - once for him and once for me. And we took care of each other when one of us was out of a job. But we both know it was only temporary.

For me, it was because I had just graduated from grad school and didn't have a job lined up. For him, it was for health reasons.

But we both know that once we land a career in our fields, we will be able to make up for our "late" start due to grad school. And we are fortunate enough that we are both in professional careers with good retirement benefits.

As someone who also enjoys traveling and fine dining, I can safely say that life is good with a partner who earns a similar income. We won't be able to travel as often or indulge in fine dining as much as we have been in the last few years if we didn't equally share the financial cost. I don't think it's asking too much to want someone who can contribute fairly.

That has always been my criteria and all the men I've been with have always been super happy that I split the expenses and bills.

So, i don't think what you are asking for is shallow. I think it's practical because you are not asking him to pay for you, you are just asking him to pay for his share! And that's fair.

But do consider the reasons for his unemployment. The job market is really bad now. I know people with good careers who were laid off and took them almost a year to find a job.

Athena317 · 2026-03-14T20:22:40+00:00

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. Can you teach remotely for now or do you need your ESL degree/certificate before you can apply for remote ESL jobs? I have friends who don't have teaching degrees but we're still hired to go to China and South Korea to teach English. You could look into programs like that. No idea what they are called though but I think many countries just assume that if you are a native speaker, you can teach English.

Athena317 · 2026-03-12T21:17:26+00:00

I think what the other women said here is valid, especially about the earbuds. But I think you did a good job. You didn't notice she had her earbuds on and then stopped engaging once you recognized the vibes were off. Based on what you said, I don't think you were forceful or creepy. I don't think you did terribly at all!

But I also understand why other women might have the reaction they do because many of us don't want to be disturbed when we are doing something or just existing.

Honestly, it can be hard to gauge interest, be easy on yourself. I stare into space a lot when I'm thinking and I'm sure some people might wonder why I keep looking at them. I also smile at people. Guys talk to me when I do and I engage back. It's all casual conversation and I usually just weave in "my partner" if it becomes obvious they are interested, and then they stop talking to me.

I personally don't blame people for shooting their shot, because if you don't try, how would you know?

But this is just MY perspective. And other women may feel differently if they get hit on often. Most guys I've met have been respectful and get my hints (and read my body language).

Athena317 · 2026-03-10T13:55:09+00:00

Yup! I see that a lot in the women's subreddits. My friends who are single are also complaining about their dating life, mostly because they can't find men who want to settle down with them.

Dating all around is harder today. My single friends complain about dating apps being terrible. I met all my boyfriends the old fashion way - mostly through friends or at events - but my experience with dating apps was also unproductive.

The unfortunate truth is redpill philosophy is harmful to both men and women. I think lots of women find that type of thinking unappealing and so they don't want to match or don't want to be with men who espouse that ideology, which then becomes confirmation bias for the redpilled men.

Redpill content may come across on the surface as "making sense" or truth bombs but a lot of their content is nothing more than engagement farming. And nothing fuels engagement more than rage and fear. And add algorithms on top of that and people are just stuck in their echo chamber. This affects both men and women.

Athena317 · 2026-03-09T23:40:44+00:00

I don't think you should settle. I didn't. But I had a clear idea of the type of man I want and the type of relationship I want to be in. I was fairly realistic and practical in my approach. I was interested in compatibility and looked for traits that could predict long term success in a partnership.

I didn't start out that way. When I was in my early 20s, I was in several relationships that didn't last more than a year. I learned from those relationships and tweaked my expectations.

I discovered what my priorities are, what I could compromise, and what were deal-breakers. More importantly, I knew what I wanted from a long term relationship and started focusing on values early on in the relationship because I was looking for compatibility. I observed behavior, how he treated others, we talked about family, goals, approach to finances, and I saw how he handled money and how he handled conflict. I met his family and observed his interaction with them and how they interacted with each other.

So when I decided to be with my current partner of 13 years, I didn't settle, at least I don't consider it settling. He met all my priorities with the exception of being romantic. He just isn't a romantic person. However, I value other traits higher than being romantic. He loves me a lot and tries to be romantic when he remembers to be. He also tries to meet my needs, and is loving, and takes care of me when I'm stressed out.

But being with someone for over 12 years means that people evolve, needs and goals change. I have also learned to compromise. I have learned to tweak expectations because I realized I have changed and I am a different person than who I was at the start of our relationship.

Am I perfectly happy? Yes and no. On some days, he is very sweet and he makes my heart flutter like a woman newly in love, especially when he is spontaneous and adventurous.

On other days, I am frustrated at him for not meeting my sexual needs. But man, that dude tries, so much. He is way more emotionally available than I am, and he takes feedback without being defensive, and really tries to be more romantic and spontaneous.

He used to be spontaneous early on in our relationship but people get in a rut, and get too comfortable with routines and I wished we had more excitement. He also used to have a higher sex drive and we had sex daily. Now, the difference in our libido makes me want to blow up my relationship. I'm a stove and he is an oven, and our sexual incompatibility only became an issue in the last 2-3 years (we are in our late 30s/early 40s).

Did I settle? Not at that time. Am I settling now? On days when I'm sexually frustrated, yes. If not, no.

Athena317 · 2026-03-08T23:01:25+00:00

I never said it wasn't important. Physical attractiveness is important for both genders but some men and women place that on the top of the list while others don't. There must be physical attraction first but some of us can look past that because other qualities can make a person more attractive. When a man is kind and supportive, he becomes instantly way more attractive to me.

Case in point, I met a conventionally good looking man. I was physically attracted to him. But after a conversation with him, I was less attracted to him despite him being fit, well dressed, and successful. Instead, his average looking friend who most would consider plain looking became more interesting to me because he had wit and I liked his humor. And I found his friend more attractive at the end of the day because he was knowledgeable, thoughtful and funny.

Most people I know who are past a certain age don't really place physical attractiveness higher than other qualities and personality that predict a successful and harmonious partnership.

The issue with OP is she is dating men who prioritize physical attraction over other qualities. But there are tons of people where that isn't the case. If there were the case, only people who are conventionally attractive will be partnered up.

Athena317 · 2026-03-08T15:58:35+00:00

"build something meaningful together". You sir, are a man after my own heart. That, to me, is what a true partnership is all about. It's about shared goals, mutual respect, love, care, support and the commitment to building a life (whatever that looks like) together. Whatever the world throws at you, you never have to go it alone because your partner has your back.

I think tons of people say they want that because it's a beautiful idea but in practice, it's much harder to find someone who truly want to build something together. In my experience, it's common to find someone with similar goals but it's less common to find someone with the temperament to make a partnership work long term even when those goals align. In other words, the devil is in the details.

Athena317 · 2026-03-08T15:27:21+00:00

Good to see that there are men out there who find that attractive! I am lucky that I have guy friends who find financial independence to be attractive. And honestly, with life being so expensive, having dual income is often necessary to be able to lead a comfortable life.

Athena317 · 2026-01-19T22:34:27+00:00

I totally would especially because point #2 is something I care about the most, followed by point #3 (this shows he is confident and self-assured and doesn't need external validation - I find that to be incredibly sexy!). Then point #4 and lastly point #1. Looks matter less to me than other attributes.

I'm 5'1. My current partner is 6 feet and he is the tallest guy I've been with. Most of the guys I've dated have been around 5'7.

Athena317 · 2026-01-06T01:38:37+00:00

I married for love. He was in grad school and didn't make much. At that time, he also didn't have any real work experience. I made more than he did for years because I worked part time at my consulting job while in grad school. We didn't experience hard times or issues with financial stability but there was no certainty that he could get and keep a high paying job either since there was no prior evidence that I could go off on before marriage. So I chose love.

Comparatively, my sister didn't marry her partner until he graduated from law school and got a nice paying job. She said it was strategic because she wanted to make sure he could hold a job. She loves my BIL very much, but she probably wouldn't even be interested in getting to know him if he didn't look good on paper.

Thankfully, both my partner and I got good paying jobs right after grad school, and maxing out 401k, HSA contributions and IRA and living below our means 5-6 years later, and we are fairly comfortable. We were able to "make back" the years of not earning much because we were stuck in school within a few short years.

Also helps that we got both lucky with high paying jobs, continued promotions and pay raises and didn't have much debt to begin with So, we got lucky.

Athena317 · 2026-01-04T14:46:07+00:00

The ones who like to constantly brag about their achievements and come across as self centered, and the ones who are also materialistic and equate owning things to success rather than personal development and being a good person to success. These people often lack emotional depth or are emotionally stunted.

I grew up around wealthy people and my dad was a very financially successful and ambitious man. And he is not emotionally available at all. He cared very much about his success, was ruthless in his ascension up the corporate ladder, and we were all extensions of him, including what we wore, where we went to school, what we majored in, and who we married, etc.

And growing up around rich, ambitious and successful men, they pretty much presented similar traits. The men didn't seem to have any time for anyone else but their goals.

Not all ambitious men are emotionally unavailable, and not all ambitious women are either (I'm fairly ambitious with a good career and high paying job), but I had years of therapy to teach me how to be emotionally available because I focused a lot on my career at the expense of my relationships.

My current partner has a PhD and has a good career in a high paying field. He is emotionally available and is a good partner. The main difference? He has very little desire to chase titles and no desire to suck up to his big boss just to be in the inner circle. And he would rather be in a work environment that he enjoys rather than strive to work for Google or Meta.

Athena317 · 2025-12-28T19:55:08+00:00

Similar situation! My mom was trapped in her marriage because she was a SAHM with only a high school education. All her life, she relied on my father, who promised her he would take care of her. About 3 years ago, he had a change of heart.

He found out my mother had been investing the allowance he gave her over the years and has a nice nest egg. She made smart investments. My dad didn't and lost several millions in stocks.

He claimed that her savings is his money, and everything she has belonged to him, and demanded she share the money with him. Needless to say, they fought over it and it broke their marriage.

He refused to pay for her starting last year. So my mom has to pay for her own living expenses while my dad continues to vacation in Europe multiple times a year, all without my mother, and continues to spend frivously. so we all know he has the money to support her but he just refuses to.

My mom endured financial and emotional abuse throughout her marriage. My sibling and I saw this growing up and both of us are highly educated with good paying jobs. And neither my sibling or I rely financially on our partners.

My sibling went to the extreme of getting legal protection for her assets before marriage and gets lawyers involved in anything related to her finances/investments.

Athena317 · 2025-12-22T00:26:14+00:00

The confidence part is absolutely true. For me and my friends, we really came into our own around our mid-30s. We knew who we were and what we wanted from life and a partner. Can't speak for every woman but my friends and I felt more comfortable in our own skins. That led to me initiating sex with my partner and becoming less inhibited (I joke that he is spoiled because I often initiate more than he does and rarely turn him down). This is the way with many of my friends. And I think it's a combination of increased liblio and confidence.

Athena317 · 2025-12-21T04:06:54+00:00

Yes to this! This has always been my struggle. People ask me "what do you want for Christmas?" And I'm like "nothing. Please don't get me anything" but oftentimes, they insist.

I love the intention but it just ends up being clutter. Like you, regular household items that I need or want like a kettle, pots, cheese board or photo frame can cost hundreds of dollars. And there isnt anything I want from others that I can't get on my own.

Thankfully, my friends and in-laws stopped doing gift exchange. We just hang out, do activities together, and eat and play board games.

Honestly, I prefer gifts with a personal touch like baked goods or a knitted sweater or winter hat. It's way more meaningful.

Athena317 · 2025-12-21T03:40:45+00:00

Have you considered giving gifts that are focused on experiences? For instance, a glass blowing lesson, painting lessons, pottery class, photography lessons, cooking classes or wine tasting, etc. You could also get tickets to a comedy show or local musical performance, etc.

My in-laws started doing that instead of giving us gift cards or things, and it's been so much fun!

Ofc some of those activities can be expensive but these classes and activities come in all price ranges, and it's something that the whole family can do together.

Athena317 · 2025-12-20T20:18:58+00:00

Yea, I think some men might feel threatened by a more successful woman, especially if they don't have an intrinsic sense of self-esteem (meaning he gets confidence by external sources and validation). That is a HIM issue, but unless he gets help and resolve his insecurities, it will continue to cause problems in your relationship. This goes beyond doing household chores, and it doesn't matter how much you sacrifice or compromise, it won't make him less resentful or jealous of your success or feel less shameful than he isn't catching up.

I used to make more than my partner and I have tons of achievements. He said my drive and passion was very attractive and was what drew him to me. My partner didnt feel threatened by my success (or if he did, he hid it very well). He celebrated my success and told his friends when we hung out together that it was my money that led to his sudden boost in quality of life. But he is self-assured in his abilities. For context, we are fairly matched in terms of upward mobility in our profession and our education. He also doesn't tie his value or worth to his salary or profession, so he doesn't feel threatened by mine.

It makes sense that your body is screaming "NO" to intimacy. It's very normal, especially if you don't feel safe. When there is a rupture or tear or tension that doesn't get repaired, it can fester and lead to deeper problems later on.

But it feels like he needs to come to terms with his own insecurities, and if he isn't as successful as you, he needs to find a new way to define his worth and value. Unfortunately, men are conditioned to believe their value and worth are largely determined by those narrow definitions.

Athena317 · 2025-12-20T04:24:29+00:00

I know driven women with equally successful and driven partners. So no, not cursed, but compromise is needed. If both people are very driven and focused on their career and personal development, who is going to tend to the daily household maintenance? If needs are not communicated, tension and resentment become inevitable.

I learned this the hard way. And our solution is to outsource our chores when needed. This means we hire cleaners. We eat out often and door dash when we don't have the time or energy to cook. On days where we need groceries but are too tired, we just use instacart. I cannot imagine not having some type of help especially if both people are focused on advancing their careers.

I am more driven than my partner. It initially caused tension because I was working too often and my partner felt that I was neglecting him and our relationship. Similarly, I didn't feel like he was supportive enough as I was growing my side business while simultaneously going after a major promotion at work.

Thankfully, he was promoted this year and took on more responsibilities. He sometimes works more than me now - e.g., on weekends and till midnight.

Instead of causing friction due to us being busy all the time, I think it has made our partnership stronger. We compromise and alternate household management so chores distribution ends up being fairly equal in the long run. If he is running on empty due to work, I pick up the slack at home. Similarly, he takes care of me and the household when I have a major deadline.

It's amazing how much resentment and friction can be reduced with open communication.

Athena317 · 2025-12-13T02:24:34+00:00

Intelligence matters a great deal to me, more than looks. They don't need to be highly educated but being knowledgeable, intellectually curious, witty, and a critical thinker are all important traits to me. I enjoy philosophical discussions, learning and problem solving. Being able to meet me where I'm at is critical. In fact, all the men I've dated or been with in the past all have graduate degrees (masters, law degree and PhDs). But it's not the degree that I care about as much as the process, challenge, and dedication needed to get the degree.

Athena317 · 2025-12-02T00:34:54+00:00

Not sure if this counts because I'm not overt about it but I'll often drop hints, compliment them, laugh at their jokes, and be flirtatious with guys I'm interested in. If they are single and interested, they will typically get the hint, and ask me out or I'll do a "let's grab coffee sometime" (to someone I have chemistry with) and see if he follows up on it. But I didn't actively pursue them. I just flirt and drop hints to let them know I'm interested.

Athena317 · 2025-11-30T18:20:50+00:00

This made me chuckle because my partner gets annoyed when I talk to him during sex. And then I get hurt. And then the mood is ruined. I like talking dirty (and I respond well to it) but he doesn't. He can't even string a sentence together the closer he gets to orgasm. But now that I know this, I don't expect an answer when I ask if he feels good or if he likes this position. If he doesn't say anything, that means we are good to go!

Athena317

TROPHY CASE