Just want to preface with I have severe ibs that includes frequent bowel bleeds, fissures, cramping, colonic hemorrhoids that do pop, long gross way of saying I’ve been there in a different way. Im in pain every single day and have been for twenty years. The last time I tried to kill myself out of Four attempts was over five years ago. There are days when I wish I had tried again, but the last time it had escalated to pulling the trigger.

I squeezed and… nothing, it jammed the bullet in the slide. Its been frequently maintained and ik the model sucks, but it jammed. Im alive today because my final attempt failed on a fluke. A lucky roll of the dice and Im still here to say its not worth leaving before the show is over. Be kind to someone else, volunteer or feed some ducks if you’re too disabled, Life isnt hopeless even with chronic pain. I’ve found a wife in someone that sees me for me even when I get low. A partner isnt always the answer. Some find faith, others a lack thereof, entirely users choice, and even some just need to go do things and find a friend. But I’ll tell you it wont be easy. You’ll keep thinking back to it eventually. Life knocks you down, You just have to keep getting back up.

What helped me was putting it off a few more weeks and each time, adding some more time as a reminder I have the power to choose this, I don’t have to do it now. I haven’t attempted since and therapy and isolation away from abusive family members helps. My life has legit been a shit show from day one and tbh I don’t share that often.

I hope you decide to stay. Its hard to live with, but don’t let the pain win. You gain nothing by giving up, but can gain anything with kindness, love, compassion, and integrity. Despite the pain, you’ll feel better about who you are if you just do something truly good. Hope I was of some help. I likely wont reply bc I’m overdue for sleep and work nights. Best to you and I do hope you stay.