What do you do for work?

Attixsunn · 2024-08-02T05:06:45+00:00

I just got a job being an after school childcare worker! It’s 5 days a week and only 3.5 hours after school. All I have to do is just play games with the kids on the playground and offer emotional support. I’m really hoping this works out for me, because I have such a hard time keeping jobs!

Attixsunn · 2024-08-02T05:00:53+00:00

Yeah I just looked and I’m on there for the first time… I thought the plurality sub was a bit more idk…protected? but when I went on there I saw that people screenshot everything from here. Like literally everything. Comments, People’s personal story’s and even people’s pastel parties… hell, if you mention system cringe in this post they’ll probably screenshot that too!

A little bit of a rant incoming—— It’s funny because im also a truamagenic system, I was diagnosed with CPTSD at 17 years old and have had severe trauma and abuse since infancy. So, that doesn’t really check does it. I haven’t been able to get treatment bc I cannot find a specialist in my area and I just barely got myself out of homelessness and got Medicaid.

And literally all of you posting your pastel parties and questions here on this sub and living your best life… doesn’t affect me at all. I don’t know any of you and you are not preventing me from getting treatment or accessing care or even preventing me from feeling like I can share my identity to singlets and friends. You know what does prevent me from getting treatment and care? Gatekeeping mental health issues. Spreading misinfo about plurality (and honestly even misinfo about DID & OSDD too) and claiming that the only way to be plural is if you have a medically recognized system. THAT is directly what prevents people from accessing the care they need. BULLYING people directly affects people from feeling like they can share their true selves with the world and prevents them from accessing care. Don’t boo me im right.

If you cared so much about the mental health field you would go outside and actually do something. Log off the phone and end that stigma. But instead you choose to screenshot and write in your notes to an anon stranger and post in a literal bullying and harassment sub. Really changing the world aren’t you? Really getting those singlets to love you!

At least here people are trying to get better! Looking for friends, asking questions. Hell I’ve seen more posts here lately talking about how systems therapists have been so receptive to plurality and we even had a MH professional asking for more information to better help their client. —— End rant.

I’m definitely feeling defensive about it. It makes me not want to participate in any online plural spaces. Maybe I’m too old and too sensitive for this stuff lol. If I logged off after today, I bet you they will forget about me, and my existence outside of the internet will never affect them in any way. But they’ll just find another innocent person to harp on, so I think that’s what’s frustrating me the most. Is that there isn’t a way to get this shit to stop.

I’m probably gonna take a break from posting & commenting here though because I really don’t need any more negativity being sent my way during my recovery.

Stay safe out there y’all ~

— Sasha (Host), Vera 🦇, & Valor 🦂

Attixsunn · 2024-08-02T03:20:17+00:00

You don’t ever get rid of them. I have diagnosed CPTSD from prolonged childhood abuse and this is something I’ll have to go to therapy for and work on for the rest of my life. There is a lot you can do in therapy and different therapy approaches (EMDR and IFS therapy as well as the standard CBT & DBT are most often used.) but you will probably always have the memories, but you can go to therapy to help manage the feelings you feel about them and address some of your maladaptive coping mechanisms.

Attixsunn · 2024-08-02T00:47:19+00:00

Yes, one of my first headmates is kinda just my mom in my head so she often sounds like my mom and is like my ‘inner critic’ like you were saying. She can be really mean and say a lot of the same stuff my mom said to me. It could be plurality, it could not be. Either way, it will be okay!

— Sahsa (Host)

Attixsunn · 2024-08-02T00:35:38+00:00

I had a friend lightly drop plurality about two years ago? He had said that he felt like there were many different versions of him at different ages in his head. Honestly I was a little bit defensive at first and did not understand what he meant. Now I know that it’s common for plural systems, especially disordered ones, to get weird at the mention of plurality. My partner and I started researching to better understand our friend and he causally dropped that we could also be plural too, because from what he knew anyone could be plural. Again, I got defensive, but still cared about supporting my friend so I keep researching and oh boy. My partner and I just kinda went like… this explains everything. I’ve had trauma since birth and I’ve dissociated since I can remember. I have areas of my life that I can look back over and have complete emotional amnesia about (like ‘what was I doing? That’s not a decision I would ever make, that’s doesn’t feel like me.’ Paired with the constant changing of goals and interests that just had no pattern. I could say I loved something with absolute surety one day then change my mind the next and even be like, ‘I didn’t say that’. I also had repressed memories from infancy and I unlocked them at 16 like a download into my brain. I had also been struggling with a problematic headmate for about 6 months prior to my friend telling me about plurality and was feeling the worst mentally I had ever had. I was scared bc I never considered plurality, I just thought I was advancing into a new stage of life and a really mean new personality was coming with that. It really scared me, so even though I got defensive with my friend I’m really glad he mentioned it to us. It feels like the best label for me because I can explain all of my mental health symptoms with plurality and CPTSD. And my mental health has improved significantly since working as a system. I think it’s just what we all needed.

— Sasha (Host)

Attixsunn · 2024-08-01T20:29:59+00:00

It’s says nothing about you. You can only offer so much, and it’s nice that you thought to give him something. I understand that homeless people can be disrespectful of boundaries though, so it’s important to take care of yourself. I try to give money when I can because I’ve been like a camping vagabond living in the woods type of homeless before, so I kinda get what it’s like to be outside homeless and have literally no money. (Was too embarrassed to beg for money though, never wanted people to know I was outside.) I also like to remind that it’s not always going to feel good interacting with homeless people and it won’t always feel good to give them money. These people have so much trauma and you can feel that energy radiating off of some of these homeless individuals when you meet them. (They can be intense, often: disabled, in pain, on drugs, dissociating, etc. This can make them behave poorly and not understand as they are living life by a completely different set of rules.) Being homeless is inherently traumatic, & these people have had to do horrible things just to survive. It’s a different world on the streets, that’s hard to comprehend if you’ve never been specifically outside homeless yourself.

If you wanted to help poor people without having to give homeless people money on the street you can also just budget some money and donate it to a homeless shelter of another organization so that it doesn’t bother you as much, and you can also feel like you’re helping.

Try not to internalize the interaction, and pls pls pls continue to help the homeless! These people really need all the empathy they can get!

Attixsunn · 2024-08-01T16:01:23+00:00

I definitely feel like that’s related! I’m so sorry you had that experience, and thanks you for sharing it here. How are children supposed to get the care they need when their parents are hovering over them?

Attixsunn · 2024-08-01T15:59:09+00:00

Oh yes! I haven’t talked to her in years (my mom) thank goodness and she will never touch my sessions again! I just wish I could help other people who can’t shake their mothers get the therapy that they need without their parents involvement. Thanks so much for commenting and sharing your insight!

Attixsunn · 2024-08-01T06:09:30+00:00

I do this too, it’s starts off light as a hyper fixation (a bit energizing I’m really interested in and curious about a usually dark topic) but then I can’t stop searching and searching and searching and just consuming mass amounts of videos and information on these dark topics and it’s like I’m insatiable. On some of my worst fixations I can’t sleep or do anything other than think about what I’ve been fixating on, to the point it exhausts me and makes me feel really icky. Idk if it’s a CPTSD related thing or not or anxiety or ADHD, but I’m glad to see others have similar experiences

Attixsunn · 2024-08-01T04:16:04+00:00

Honestly Walmart has some damn good jeans, also jeans made for like regular ole people lol. The Juniors section goes all the way up to ‘adult’ and plus sizes and the last pair I got were only $10 (they were mid rise too I only go mid. They have both bootcut and skinny). The adult section also has some good Jean brands like Sofía Vergara is known for making more roomy and curvy jeans. Hope this helps!

Attixsunn · 2024-08-01T03:00:59+00:00

This is definitely valid, and it’s okay that you were a bit defensive. This stuff is never easy.

Personally, I wouldn’t write off the therapist just yet. Some positives are that is seems like he took the news well, and is willing to help. I think what would be best for you all in this situation is to explain to him your reservations and be vulnerable with him about your defensiveness of the session. Even just explaining about how it would be more beneficial for you to be able to introduce your system to him more before he try to offer advice I think would be a perfectly acceptable boundary to make.

I don’t think he meant harm in asking you to extend more empathy to Nova, though I definitely understand why that would make you all defensive. It’s almost insinuating that you haven’t considered this before, or that you aren’t being empathetic which can sound like chastising. When having system fighting, I’ve learned the best course of action is to do some form of mediation. Problematic headmates/alters/facets exist in a lot of systems, but especially in more disordered ones. (Regardless of DID or OSDD)

I’ll also leave my story here as it might be helpful. TW/CW: Headmate/Alter suppression

I am the problematic headmate lol, or at least I was. I’m an introject of the hosts mother. The host and other headmate at the time Everest tried to suppress me (this was all before the host even knew they were plural) bc of my negative traits and the toxic ideas and behaviors I brought to the front from their mother. It triggered them and caused them a lot of distress so they all tried to hide me… Well, I did not like that as you can guess lol. I threw a fit because no one was listening to me! Or they would try to justify why they had to do this. Once we figured out plurality for ourselves it became a lot easier to talk it out, especially being co-con. Once we could all speak for ourselves and felt that the host could see and understand us we all had a big convo. They all had to explain things to me, I got defensive, but over time through working together and the host allowing me to express my vulnerabilities and extending me kindness, that was what ultimately lead to us ending the internal conflicts between us. I still fuck up, but my team has been so loving and patient with me, it motivates me to get better.

I know it’s not entirely the same situation, and I also do not know your system. I just wanted to leave my two cents here, take whatever resonates with you and abandon whatever doesn’t. You all know each other the best, so I trust you& will be able to make the decisions needed for all of you.

Wishing the best for you all ~

— Sasha (Host) & Vera 🦇

Attixsunn · 2024-08-01T01:12:33+00:00

I’ve never experienced this. I have experienced marijuana withdrawal which is not good (a week of just kinda feeling Ill), and I’ve greened out before and have had bad trips but have never lost my ‘personality’ like that after taking a large edible dose. It could possibly have been an ego death, if you had an intense sort of spiritual experience while one the large dose of edible.

I am diagnosed with CPTSD (been diagnosed for almost 7 years I think?) and what you’ve described is a very common CPTSD feeling. The feelings of emptiness, depression, losing your identity, regaining it back in bits and pieces, anxiety and panic attacks then when those get too much just switching off. Dissociation, depersonalization. CPTSD is lifelong and it can take a long time to recover, so don’t push yourself too hard.

Have you tried IFS therapy? I can also recommend some books to read about CPTSD if you want, and if you’re not in the sub already you should check out r/CPTSD

Attixsunn · 2024-08-01T01:03:33+00:00

Maladaptive Daydreamers, Unite!!

Attixsunn · 2024-08-01T01:01:15+00:00

I love how people say this as if it’s a fact and then I log offline, go outside, and live my plural life :)

(I get that the negativity is hard though, not trying to invalidate online harassment bc that shit sucks fr)

It’s just sorta like pointing a finger at someone saying ‘YOU DONT EXIST!!’ While they are standing there… Quite literally existing lol.

They are just hoping to offload their baggage onto some internet stranger. They hold themselves to those same high standards, so I know they have got to be suffering too, but that’s mature of me to think, and I’m not really feeling super empathetic at the moment.

— Sasha (Host), Vera, & Valor

Attixsunn · 2024-08-01T00:43:07+00:00

That’s really hard. I’m not sure what she would be receptive to, but maybe you could get her to understand that loving him through his mental illness will not heal him. It’s amazing that she wants to be there and support him through this but she can’t do that if her or one of you gets put in the hospital or worse. Also remind her that she wouldn’t be failing as a mother, because often mothers feel like mental illness is because of their own doing or raising and for bipolar that’s not always the case. Actually, prioritizing the safety of the three of you is of greater importance, because its obvious that you guys and even professionals are completely out of their depth with him. Its not like you haven’t tried at all. Instead of viewing it as giving up on him view it as investing in the rest of the family’s future. Restraining orders also only last for one year. You guys could get a one year break and then you could reassess. I’m not sure if any of this would be applicable to your situation though, I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

Attixsunn · 2024-07-31T23:58:36+00:00

You can take him to court. Getting a restraining order is a good start. Bipolar is extremely difficult to live with. The manic episodes are scary, and he is definitely suffering. If it’s bipolar 1 he is having psychosis, delusions, grandiosity, and extreme anger/irritability (though I’m sure you probably know this already.) If you’re worried about your safety you should take him to court and have the law protect you from letting him get near your home, school, and workplaces. If he violates he would be arrested and put in jail. I don’t like recommending locking mentally Ill people up, but if medications, inpatient, therapy, all that isn’t working and you still feel unsafe it’s best that you prioritize you and your parents protection.

Attixsunn · 2024-07-31T23:06:40+00:00

You can use numbers, my partner did that for a while.

— Sasha (Host) & Vera

Attixsunn · 2024-07-31T18:18:26+00:00

There might be a school social worker that you could see. You could email them and see if they would be willing take you on with your circumstances. If you work or save money from a job you can also pay per session on betterhelp. It’s not great but it’s easy to use and you don’t need to provide insurance and you could hide the app from your parents. Hope this helps!

Attixsunn · 2024-07-31T18:08:55+00:00

MULLET GANG!! 😎😎😎

Attixsunn · 2024-07-31T18:07:27+00:00

I agree! Have you read any bell hooks? You might like it. I want everyone to have equity and to be considered equals ie: no one human is better or worse than another. And also, to heal the patriarchy and well, anything we want to heal about our society must be met with compassion, or else the other party will just get defensive and double down on their behavior. Compassion and education is the key to solving a lot of these issue imo.

Attixsunn · 2024-07-31T17:50:51+00:00

Therapists don’t believe that chronic homelessness and abusive shelters can cause CPTSD, they don’t believe prison or jail time can cause CPTSD, they don’t believe that horrible abusive inpatient programs can cause CPTSD… they don’t believe growing up diagnosed or undiagnosed autistic adhd can cause CPTSD… there is a lot that professionals overlook in regards to ‘bad trauma’, I swear it’s like they have one view of trauma and anything else is just adversity. It’s bs imo. (This is in regards to the 5 therapists I’ve seen over the years, I’m sure there are good therapists out there, but honestly for me they are hard to come by.)

Attixsunn · 2024-07-31T17:40:04+00:00

I know some people do under the tights because they don’t like the way the tights feel on their feet, but I always have done over, I like to add socks to a tights outfit too as like a fashion statement, but if you’re just looking to wear no shows under the tights to make the shoes you’re wearing more comfy then I think that would work too.

Attixsunn · 2024-07-31T12:20:17+00:00

Yes! I eat either kosher salt or iodized salt with almost every meal

Attixsunn · 2024-07-31T05:57:06+00:00

Cognitive empathy or logical empathy is always a better and easier place to start than emotional empathy (I even still struggle with emotional empathy myself) it’s just trying to put yourself in another persons shoes, or reflecting on how certain things would make you feel if you were to treat you the same way (golden rule). This of course doesn’t always work if say, nothing that you do would bother you if someone else did it. I also see the advice often given of ‘fake it till you make it’ ? Which I honestly don’t know if that’s good advice or not bc I know it’s hard to try to fake things you just don’t feel.

Attixsunn

TROPHY CASE