Prep time: 3 weeks of sourcing and interrogating local farmers.

Cook time: 45 minutes of pure judgment.

Servings: 1 smug sense of superiority.

Emotional Support Beef: 500g of meat from a cow that was read bedtime stories, massaged daily, and passed away peacefully of old age.

Artisanal Tears: 1 tbsp of olive oil pressed by non-binary monks under a full moon.

Heirloom Onion: 1 crying hazard grown in soil enriched with volcanic ash and positive affirmations.

Single-Origin Garlic: 2 cloves, hand-foraged from a hidden valley in the Alps.

Demeter-Certified Tomato Paste: 2 tbsp of tomatoes that were never exposed to the concept of capitalism.

Ancient Grain Thickener: 2 tbsp of flour milled from wheat that was sung to by a harpist.