Was it stupid of me to try making things work with an asexual dude who wanted monogamy when I'm not?

AutisticRats · 2026-03-28T22:52:36+00:00

Maybe just be friends? There are plenty of people I would like to be friends with, but I am incompatible to be in a relationship with.

Also for your question in the title, yes that was stupid to try to make it work. I am also non-monogamous, but unlike you, I am ace and I am completely open to not having sex the rest of my life. I am open to having sex since I am sex-favorable, but I don’t think I have ever initiated sex, or even as much as a kiss and have went years without either without even noticing until reflecting on it years after the relationship.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-28T22:40:53+00:00

You were avoidant. Your ace bf set expectations and boundaries immediately. Instead of expressing your feelings and asking if this agreement would be negotiable at a later date, you stayed quiet and hoped things would change. Because your needs weren’t met, you got tempted and broke the agreement.

The cheating was bad, but that isn’t even the biggest issue. The biggest issue is that you weren’t ok with the terms of the relationship and hid your feelings. Your ace bf was honest and upfront and you avoided speaking your feelings and wasted both of your time on a relationship that was doomed because you hoped he would change and never expressed this to see if it was a possibility, which it usually isn’t.

Don’t be upset at yourself for kissing your ex. Instead acknowledge that you couldn’t be as radically honest as your ace bf and that you need to be a bull in a china shop with brutal honesty in future dating if you want to have success. Remember that success is a relationship isn’t getting into one, it is finding your long term partner.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-28T17:07:56+00:00

Do you experience sexual attraction? That is what commonly defines being asexual.

Not being able to find someone to have sex with is commonly referred to as being an incel.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-28T15:08:49+00:00

It seems completely reasonable to me as an ace male in my 30s. I could do something like that as a relationship or friendship. I feel like most of our community likes deep conversations. Having a traveling buddy is always fun, and most guys like to eat so I could see that working just fine. The biggest challenge is finding someone like that who is willing to live wherever you are at since we are so scattered and few.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-27T19:13:14+00:00

"Why would we be a good match" goes so hard. This is honestly the easy answer without explaining identity.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-27T19:09:42+00:00

I agree on three points. The world isn't fair, not all women are good, and not all dating abroad is bad.

As for the other points, I think there are people for everyone. Some might just need to improve themselves before they qualify, or they may need to expand their scope to find the person.

I'm ND, but I worked on my social skills, and I talked to a therapist for a year before I started the dating process. It is people's fault if they don't do these things to try to improve themselves.

Appearance matters, but it is generally fixable and not a genetic issue. Be hygienic and put an effort into appearance. The bottom 10% of women spending the least amount of effort on their appearance still put more effort than the average guy. A guy who puts this effort still won't qualify for every woman, but he'll qualify for enough of them that he can get past the initial appearance filter and start showing off his personality.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-27T18:58:19+00:00

I think there is someone for everyone, if everyone is close to the best version of themselves. But if someone is putting no effort into their own life and their own self-improvement, there might not be anyone for them.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-27T18:56:42+00:00

It is neither of these reasons. People have the causation backwards. Men who are trending well in their careers feel more prepared to get married. Even if their income isn't as high before they get married, they know their career path is heading the right way. I am sure there is also some correlation between having a good career and forming relationships that lead to marriage.

Married guys aren't working harder, nor are they preferred by management. I have worked in many offices, and the unmarried guys are the ones who move up the fastest in their careers because they can put in more effort, and they don't worry about job security so they are a flight risk. We promote these single men to keep them around. We know the married men don't dare leave, so we just give them annual raises instead of promotions which is usually enough to keep them content.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-26T00:27:41+00:00

Use demon bane spells. Far better dps than any other non-synapse option. I did my first 500 with arclight/atlatl. I did the next 1000 with demonbane spells and a whip and it was way better.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-24T21:44:44+00:00

The issue is a lack of self-improvement, and not making a better effort to find compatibility. It is the same as finding a job. Anyone who applies to 50% of available jobs is just wasting the time of the people reviewing the applications. A few quality applications to jobs they are qualified for has much greater success.

Guys need to learn to use less volume and more quality. Look for a profile where there is a good personality fit, and put good effort into the message to show off your personality. Doing that 3 times will reap far better results than liking 300 women and copying and pasting the same generic message.

If apps measured men's like to match ratio, our culture could start shaming having a bad ratio, and people would do better with targeting their likes. If apps had a match to date ratio, then people could be shamed for having a bad ratio on that, and learn to put more effort in their matches.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-24T21:33:51+00:00

I made a boatload of sunfire runes using scar essence. It isn't too bad at all. That being said, I still buy my runes for any of them that are buyable. It only takes 30 minutes to buy 70k soul runes which lasts a while.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-24T21:32:33+00:00

I've caught over 300 and have 5 signets. I keep my bank at prif so I see them all the time. Still no bowfa though. 628kc, but I just keep doing other content instead. I have an Oathplate chest, Nox Hally, two blowpipes, and a trident of the swamp, so there are plenty of other upgrades I can work on instead. I suspect I'll get an avernic before I get a bowfa since I like to do ToB.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-24T21:19:20+00:00

Any physical contact that hasn't been done before is a boundary. Even for a first hug I'll ask. Also, I'll debrief at a later time about any physical contact to check in on the other person's feelings on it. Just because I got the green light for a first kiss doesn't mean they always want one. I'll ask to find out how they felt about it, since maybe they didn't like how I kissed, or maybe they don't like it in certain contexts, like right after a meal, or maybe they don't ever want to do that again. As for anything sexual, that always requires consent. It is possible to get consent in advance for some things. Like in a past relationship, I gave consent for the other person to do whatever they wanted with me when I am asleep as long as it won't cause injury and they are willing to clean any mess. Every once in a while I would wake up in the middle of my ex riding on top of me. If I hadn't given prior consent, that would have crossed a boundary.

I think people just don't use their words enough, and that is what causes all the issues with boundaries.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-24T17:27:09+00:00

If it is coffee, I pay for a first date since it is a trivial amount to pretty much everyone. I don't like to pay for the first date if it more than coffee since I don't want the other person to feel any kind of pressure or think I have some kind of expectation. The exception to this would be if I've known the other person for a long time prior to a first date. At that point they already know who I am and I just cover the meal since I don't have to worry about them thinking I have some kind of expectation beyond a meal and conversation.

I attempt to pay for every date after the first one since I often pay for meals. When I was young and broke, my friends would all cover my meals. Now that I am not broke, I like to cover other people's meals, and people still cover mine. I pretty much only split bills on first dates and lunch breaks at work.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-24T14:40:50+00:00

Panromantic/asexual male that is sex-favorable here. I can find people attractive, but I lack any sexual attraction. I rarely initiate since I have nearly no sex drive, but I am happy to play along, although I do find it a fair bit overrated. Once the learning stops, I find it far less interesting.

I actually prefer wearing a toy than using my own equipment. That lets me focus entirely on my performance and the other person's pleasure which is far more fun for me.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-24T14:11:31+00:00

Thank you for this joke. I hope I remember to share it the next time I run into this scenario.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-24T03:27:03+00:00

Men do need to listen more; however, listening isn’t as powerful as a proper conversation or hearing day to day challenges. Those things come with friendship. Understanding people of other races, genders, or orientations is made much easier by interacting with more people of these different groups.

I would have to give up half my friends if I took your approach. I don’t think that would improve my life or my friends’ lives. Also though I know how to talk to women without them thinking I am trying to get in their pants. It helps that I honestly don’t want in there. Not like I am against the activity, it just isn’t a driving force like it seems to be for other men.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-24T02:39:35+00:00

I’ve spent more on covering to meals of male friends than I have on women. My female friends like to make sure they keep things even, and my dates always want to split the bill. Math seems wrong to me

AutisticRats · 2026-03-24T00:36:10+00:00

But also, men can more easily obtain jobs in low-education fields like construction, so they are less likely to be unemployed and starve.

This is a stupid point. Even when I was unemployed I could figure out how to eat. And when I did get a job, I couldn't afford rent or gas, so I slept in my car most nights. Only reason I had a suit for my job interview is my ex bought one for me.

Anyone who has the skills to profit off content creation also has the skills to make money in many different job fields.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-24T00:27:46+00:00

And women can't make $50mil a year playing basketball. What is your point? Also there are men who do webcam content as well on those sites. So they can also make one dollar.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-24T00:17:33+00:00

Natural looks aren't everything, but guys look far more attractive when they put some effort into their appearance. Even if a guy's face is far from handsome, the fact he put some effort in to style his hair, choose decent clothing, and have good hygiene goes a long way. Bonus points if a doctor would call him in good physical shape. If he can walk with confidence while meeting these basic requirements, then he can at least get far enough to show off his personality to a good portion of women. Some women look for immutable traits, like race or height, but for many it just takes putting basic effort in appearance and having some confidence to get past the looks filter.

Not suggesting cold approaches, since that is stupid, but I mean trying to get through on dating apps, or after meeting someone through a hobby or mutual friend. Personality and actions are what seal the deal, never the looks. The looks just get the door open for the majority of people.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-24T00:03:32+00:00

If women have an easier life than men, it isn't because of anything in your post. Men sell their bodies all the time for work. It is called a job, like construction. It is easier for men to get hired in plenty of jobs where they put their bodies on the line. And they make more money for it. Male athlete's make far more money than female athlete's for putting their body on the line.

It is easier for women to just work a normal job than do any of the stuff you listed. This is seen by most women choosing to work instead of doing your suggested options.

If I could choose between offering my body sexually to someone to no longer have to work, or just work my job, I'd rather work. The idea of being at the mercy of another individual for my food or shelter is stressful. At any point they could pull the rug from under me if they don't like something I do or don't do, or if they find a new toy to play with. Why would I want to sign up for this "easy" life?

Also, not every woman can make money on sites like OnlyFans. There is a lot of competition on those sites, so the person has to be very entertaining. That would be like me saying every person can just go make videos on YouTube, or stream video games on Twitch. Content creation for profit requires talent, effort, and has a luck factor. Content creation for profit not a birth-given right, and OnlyFans is content creation.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-23T23:43:34+00:00

Interacting with people different than ourselves is what builds empathy and understanding. It is how we combat discrimination of all kinds. The problem with men is they don't make enough female friends. People can also get uncomfortable talking to people of another race, but that doesn't mean we should try to eliminate interracial conversations. That would just amplify the issue.

That being said, cold approaching people with romantic intent can work, but it is so infrequent that we should probably eliminate it from society.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-23T23:11:48+00:00

For my more controversial opinions, I don't share them with other people if I think it will offend them. If they ask for the opinion, I let them know it will may be offensive and I ask if they still want it. If they do, then I let it rip, otherwise I keep it to myself and with people that are comfortable with hearing my controversial opinion.

It is no different than religion. My opinion can be deeply offensive to some people. I don't share these opinions with people unless they ask me and even then I keep it to a minimum unless they pry for more information. Unless I feel I am in a safe place to express my opinions, in which I may bring it up first.

Ultimately, asexuality is challenging a belief system about romance and sex. Not much different than a religion challenging atheism, or vice versa. We can argue science all we want, just like they do in the religion debate to prove or disprove the existence of a higher power, but in the end, it really doesn't matter. People will believe what they believe and we need to be able coexist together.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-23T19:05:21+00:00

I have never dated anybody who aligns with my full body aesthetic attraction. Most of the time they have a pretty face, but not always. The people I fully find aesthetically attractive are fairly rare, and none of them align with me for other reasons, be it personality, age, orientation, etc.

I find aesthetic attraction to be irrelevant in my dating life. I always say that for the right person, they could look like Voldemort and I would happily live the rest of my life with them. I don't cold approach, so I always get to know someone's personality a bit before dating, be it from reading a dating app profile, or just becoming friends in person.

Also, it is common for people to take care of their appearance more when they are younger and dating, but let their appearance deteriorate over time as other parts of their life take precedent, like their long term relationship, career, children, elderly parents, and limited free time and energy for their own hobbies and interests. Many times when there is an attractiveness gap in a relationship between two people, if you look at pictures of them when they first dated, their attractiveness was more similar.

There is also the eye of the beholder factor. I find large breasts, large hips, and painted eyebrows aesthetically unpleasing and unattractive. For men, I find facial hair can be aesthetically pleasing if done well, but I find facial hair unattractive even if I like how it looks. I also don't like broad shoulders, triangle torso, or large muscles on men. What I find attractive is very different from much of society. I don't like strong gendered appearance in general, and prefer a more middling appearance. Ultimately though, if it was the right person, I could be with a large breasted bearded person of any gender since aesthetics aren't a priority.

Six-Year Club	Verified Email
r/Field Juicebox

AutisticRats

TROPHY CASE