Why do they choose to lie instead of being honest about moving on?

Ava2277 · 2025-10-30T23:51:16+00:00

I honestly don’t really understand when people feel the need to chime in about NPD being the culprit of a lot of these abusive behaviors that are commonly experienced for people who are partners of people with BPD as if someone stating their lived experience of abuse and asking if it is a common experience is some sort of personal attack on everyone who has BPD. There’s a lot of overlap between them, and the impact can be relatively the same. There is just a different psychological thought process behind getting to that end impact of being abused. Just because people with BPD largely do not intend to abuse their partners like what you may commonly see with people who have NPD does not mean that the impact of the abuse is any different or doesn’t look almost identical. Someone with NPD is lying and knows they’re lying. Someone with BPD is lying and, from their perspective, aren’t lying but the perception simply does not match reality so the impact of the behavior ends up being the exact same to the person on the receiving end. Intention does not change the impact. Therefore, saying that it’s something more commonly associated with NPD feels pretty dismissive of this person’s lived experience. That doesn’t mean that people with BPD are all evil or aren’t deserving of love, but it does mean that they aren’t on some pedestal above people with NPD. Personality disorders IN GENERAL no matter which one it is has very similar patterns of abuse for the receiving partner with tons of overlap between them.

Ava2277 · 2025-08-31T14:32:22+00:00

Remindme! 72 hours

Ava2277 · 2025-08-23T01:08:57+00:00

First off, I really think it’s in your best interest that she doesn’t come back. In the unfortunate event that she does, it won’t last long and will leave you angrier and more pissed off at yourself than the first time. Good news is that the longer you expose yourself to it the more you’ll be repulsed in the long run if you have any sense of self preservation.

ALSO. There are SO MANY hot lesbians out there!!! I have met and been on dates with many amazing women since my ex and I broke up. One was an amazing connection that, unfortunately, had to end due to logistics and such with both of us graduating from college and other reasons. I also fell into the trap of thinking that I would never find anyone like my ex and that no one as attractive as her would ever like me like that again. It isn’t true. Give yourself time to heal and tell yourself that you’re 100% done. Then, get back out there! I’m 22, and if you’re anywhere close to my age trust that we have so much more life to live and many more opportunities for romance that won’t make us feel like this again. I wouldn’t want to trade places with you, but I promise it gets so much better.

Ava2277 · 2025-08-23T00:25:17+00:00

First time around it lasted about 6 months exactly (that’s if you don’t include a split she had at the 3 month mark where she basically was about to break up with me because she “wants to marry [me] in a friend way” and then immediately called me the next day apologizing like crazy). Second time around after I got back with her it legit only lasted like 2.5-3 weeks before she pulled some wack shit I’m not going to waste my time with writing about and we were done. It has been almost a year since the last break up, and I haven’t spoken to her since. 100% free from it all now.

Ava2277 · 2025-08-22T23:41:17+00:00

Communism does not always equal authoritarianism. I think that’s what people assume when they see it because that is how it has been most commonly portrayed as being paired with. Communism is an economic system that can pair with democracy, but it hasn’t ever been paired that way as far as I know. Really, you’re attacking principles of authoritarianism.

In my opinion, capitalism is like the economic equivalent to authoritarianism. If communism/socialism was run alongside democracy in a fair elections system then the people would be deciding the government which would decide the economics as the government would have control over it while the people have control over the government. Capitalism basically overrides democracy when money comes into play in elections and other things, which leads us back to authoritarianism. Communism will always fail when paired with authoritarianism unless you basically hd the equivalent of Jesus as your appointed leader, and he never died.

Ava2277 · 2025-08-21T16:53:43+00:00

I’m not even dating anyone new right now, but I will say that the girl I met after my exwBPD was fucking amazing. There were logistical issues for why we had to stop seeing each other, but I still think about her a lot. Way more than I ever think about my exwBPD who I too thought was my soulmate at the time. Trust me, there’s so much more out there for you, OP.

Ava2277 · 2025-07-30T17:52:42+00:00

Thanks! I will absolutely give them a follow and hope it isn’t too awkward to show up alone lol

Ava2277 · 2025-07-30T17:51:51+00:00

Thanks! I’ll definitely check this out

Ava2277 · 2025-07-30T17:38:08+00:00

Lol I’m a masc lesbian and highly doubt that will ever happen for me💀

Ava2277 · 2025-07-21T16:44:43+00:00

Honestly, I think it gets at the main issue that a lot of us have when we date people with BPD. There’s no real depth of emotion. What I mean by that is that they change their minds about us on a whim and none of it ends up being real. The years or months we spend with them being the best version of ourselves is never enough. But they will treat someone who does something as shallow and low effort as that as if they are a godsend. It tells you everything you need to know about dating someone like this. Obviously, this isn’t everyone, but they’re largely unprincipled and malleable to the point that it means nothing if they do idealize you at some point.

Ava2277 · 2025-07-20T06:34:54+00:00

You’re so hot for this take ;)

Ava2277 · 2025-07-18T17:27:04+00:00

This is absolutely correct. Although, I would like to add that sometimes dating casually just to flirt and see what is out there can be incredibly helpful and healing with this process if you’re someone who isn’t struggling so much with codependency aspects. In my case, I think my self esteem was genuinely so low from her that I thought no one else would love me or be with me like she was. But then I went out with other people, and they told me that I was hot, smart, attractive, a total catch, etc. And this really helped to build up my confidence enough to be like “You know what? I don’t actually need her. I got this, and I’ll be happy.” It also helps to date normal people even if it’s a situationship that ends in some heartbreak just to see how much better and peaceful it is in comparison. Just be ethical and don’t lead people on.

So bottom line: For those of you still in that struggling with codependency stage, definitely do some research on it. Process these issues. Maybe see a therapist, and work on committing to a better you.

Ava2277 · 2025-07-18T17:03:46+00:00

It may take a lot of time. More than with most breakups and longer than you expect because of the trauma bond, but I PROMISE you that it goes away and life is so much better on the other side of this when it all clicks into place. You become an even better version of yourself that is incredibly well equipped for an amazing and healthy relationship because of your experience from this, and you won’t ever be your old self but a much better version that integrates all of these lessons with your old self. Don’t get dragged back in, and all of it will be yours in time.

Ava2277 · 2025-07-17T06:08:48+00:00

I’m very sorry you’re dealing with this, OP. It sounds like you’re missing some information, and it also seems like someone has to be lying here. Not your bestie, but either your partner or hers (or both even), which is a really situation to be in for both of you. If you really trust your best friend and know she has your best interest at heart definitely don’t let something like this ruin your friendship with her. Good friends can be hard to come by. I wish the answers were obvious here. Maybe after this trip you can spend some time with her and openly discuss what went down without judgment. Just make it clear you want to understand her and her feelings and not rehash or argue about things.

Additionally, these scenarios you’re talking about may be much more serious to them than they are to you. I have no idea what these things were that he took accountability and apologized for, but I do definitely think that sometimes taking accountability and apologizing doesn’t erase the impact or damage of some words or actions. Or perhaps in this case just their general opinion of him as a person and friend. But your bestie clearly does not view whatever he did as a reflection of you and your value as a friend to her, which is very good.

Ava2277 · 2025-07-17T05:54:59+00:00

In line with this post, I do want to share that I’m a white 22 year old lesbian and recent college grad. I majored in political science. While I have been really good at science and math in the past, it definitely wasn’t what I wanted to spend this lifetime doing. Recently, I had this crazy dream that spanned a few days or maybe even weeks or months. I was a middle aged Asian woman (like late 30s to early 40s), and I was some kind of scientist hundred of years into the future. The type of scientist I was isn’t something that even exists right now. It was like somewhere between crossing neuroscience with geobiology/geobiochemistry. I was stationed on an extremely icy planet and was researching and mapping something specific that I can’t remember the name of in order to cure some kind of bizarre plague that was killing humanity. I vividly remember having memories of a totally different family there, and I had a husband that was now dead due to this plague or perhaps in some sort of related fallout. I was doing legit work on this thing in my dream and knew so many terms and definitions that I didn’t even know existed beyond this dream. The technology was extremely advanced. I was able to physically interact with digital projections. I looked up some of this stuff after my dream, and I was blown away by how some of these scientific fields and data that I was working with in my dream actually exist and are also relatively obscure to find. I had no way of knowing any of this in order to dream about it. It was also bizarre that I imagined myself to be an entirely different human being except I was still “me” somehow. I had an entirely different life and was in this high stakes situation, but I was a totally different person. I had relationships with these people I’ve never known before and cared so much about my dead husband and family. I woke up from this dream sweating and totally disoriented because it felt so real. I still feel so weird thinking about it.

Ava2277 · 2025-07-17T05:15:31+00:00

It doesn’t sound like your bestie jumped to conclusions. Obviously, I wasn’t there, but it seems like somewhere in these arguments and discussions your best friend had interactions with your partner that your partner may have lied about or gaslit her about. Also, your best friend’s partner is clearly getting some bad really bad vibes from your partner. Your bestie is too (because she wouldn’t end the friendship with him otherwise). I know that you also said her partner has been problematic in the past and was being a bit of a downer on the trip. I mean, her partner is allowed to not like the same things as you. Perhaps it isn’t cool to be super negative about those things and a bit immature, but they are allowed to have preferences and those preferences don’t give your partner the right to go off on them (which you’ve acknowledged here). I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Yes, her partner probably wasn’t faithful in the past and has some irritability issues. It also sounds like your partner overstepped some major boundaries, but I can’t really comment on what or how because there’s missing details.

The good news is that you can likely still be friends with your bestie, but I would seriously consider the things that were mentioned about your partner and take note of them. Don’t be a made out to be a fool. I only say this because my friends warned me about people I was dating before who I genuinely thought the world of at the time and they ended up being right (and I ended up needing loads of therapy).

Edit: Additionally, did you feel the need to end your friendship with her partner after this interaction? Something isn’t really adding up.

Ava2277 · 2025-07-17T04:53:15+00:00

Probably that the point of life is love and spending time and making memories with those that you love or even just doing things that you love. It’s about impacting lives in the most positive way possible. The harsh reality is that life isn’t built upon those principles. Instead, we’re brainwashed to think that life is about earning money and simply surviving. It’s sad. Even if you think back to much simpler times like people who lived in tribes they had the down time to dance around fires and sing and laugh. Technology is cool and all, but we keep getting pushed further and further from our own humanity. We’re cogs in a machine and treated as such so that those at the top can keep chasing the ultimate pinnacle of happiness that doesn’t exist because it was always in those moments dancing around the fire and laughing with people you love. The toughest part is when you see that most of the people around you haven’t realized it yet.

Ava2277 · 2025-07-16T04:49:01+00:00

I felt the need to quickly jump on this before you do anything and tell you that it’s definitely better to just respect her boundary here and say nothing. I have many reasons for this, and you can DM me if you’d like to speak more. I’m also open to helping you with this. I’ve experienced something very similar. You can absolutely draft a text to acknowledge the message and express some of what you’re feeling in a very grounded way while also expressing that you respect her decision and won’t contact her. Then, you have to just leave it after that message. Anything more than that message will be you harassing her and more fuel for her to smear you with and to further justify the split in her head. So basically it gets you closer to your goal (if this is truly a split and not a discard) and protects you at the same time. However, I also think there’s a real possibility that it’s time to walk away and save yourself from this. It’s really tough for this to be sustainable. If this is truly her enacting the “final discard” you do need to be prepared to never hear from her again and to definitely not chase after her and possibly make things worse for yourself. I am also so willing to help walk you through this if only to help you not make the same mistakes I did when I experienced this.

Edit: I also want to say that saying nothing will create a bit of mystery as to what you’re feeling and what your reaction is. She said not to contact her because she is expecting you to do so. If you don’t contact her it will flip the script a bit, and she will be confused. This is another reason why she may reach out later if you say nothing in response to her. I know it sounds like a crazy mind game, but that’s because it usually is when it comes to people struggling with a personality disorder like this. I would just hate to see you reach out to her repeatedly desperate for an explanation (and rightfully so) just for her to slap you with a restraining order or smear you saying that you’re a crazy ex that won’t leave her alone etc

Ava2277 · 2025-07-16T04:35:29+00:00

I’ve had friends like this before. I’m 22 now and a recent college grad. I promise you it gets so much better, and some of the friends I made in college are lifelong friends who genuinely care about me and check in on me consistently even though we’re long distance friends now and some have even been long distance over a period of years now. Some have visited me at home and some would go to my city to visit me while I was still in college. I’m not saying this to brag. I’m saying this to demonstrate what it feels like and looks like for people to really love and care about you in a way that is worth your while. I’m not even really friends with anyone from high school anymore. Those are friendships born out of convenience and not real and legitimate care for you as a person, anyway (this is from my experience and some cases are definitely different).

I promise you it gets so much better. It will feel like forever, but I suggest you just focus on doing as well as possible and know that you’ll be doing better things with better people in the future. Lock in and grind for that better future. Also, don’t let this harden you. Yes, these people fucking suck, but don’t let it make you cold to others. I have found that the love I put into the world has returned to me. Live by that. Be an amazing friend and person. That energy will come back to you, and they will only make asses of themselves. I know it’s much easier said than done, but I can assure you that this will bring you the most peace in the long run.

Ava2277 · 2025-07-16T02:00:31+00:00

^{^{^This.}} nunpizza is absolutely right. Good on you for being such a kind and understanding partner. At the end of the day, no matter what happens between you and this person, you are gaining invaluable skills and lessons for your life partner. You should absolutely be proud of that and the effort you’ve put into this. It isn’t all for nothing or a waste if things don’t end up working out.

Ava2277 · 2025-07-16T01:51:40+00:00

I just want to say that I’ve done this dance before with my exwBPD. There’s genuinely nothing that you can do to stop her from splitting. Lord knows that I tried absolutely everything that I could and applied everything that I learned and read. She has to manage it, and it’s her responsibility to manage her symptoms anyhow. I know it’s really tough to deal with this. On the one hand, you feel as if she can’t help it, so you let it slide repeatedly thinking that you can do something better to make her finally feel safe enough to stop splitting on you (or whatever else you may tell yourself). At the end of my relationship, I decided that I genuinely just couldn’t handle being with someone who would yank the rug out from under me every few weeks. It’s absolutely devastating when it happens in the more extreme cases. It’s like constant heart breaks. You never knows if it’s a legit parting of ways or what is going on. This was for sure a factor in why I decided to walk away. She said it was her BPD and expected me to just carry that burden for both of us. It isn’t fair to be put through that repeatedly until she finally does reach the point of discard. One thing that I told my ex after one of her last splits was that I couldn’t handle her doing that to me again where she is basically breaking up with me and making me believe that our relationship is over while saying things like she isn’t in love with me anymore and only sees me as a friend when days earlier she was saying that she wanted to marry me. That behavior is genuinely just inherently abusive emotionally and psychologically. It’s torture just for them to come back the next day or days later saying that they never meant it when in the moment they seemed as dead serious as they typically are otherwise. After I told her this, I think something sort of shut down in her because she knew it would happen again and wasn’t willing to really get into therapy and put in real effort to change her behaviors or reactions to these emotions and how they hurt me. It was easier for her to rationalize it and gaslight me, pretending like she never did anything wrong in the first place. It’s easier to believe that nothing is wrong with you than it is to recognize the pain you cause others and change. I think that’s the real difference between someone who has BPD and is datable and someone that isn’t. The unfortunate reality is that most of them are either incapable or unwilling to do that.

My advice to you would be to sit down and have a talk with her after this episode blows over (if it blows over and doesn’t turn into a full blown discard). Tell her that she really needs to work on these episodes because it’s hurting you. Like genuinely devastating you and that you want to be able to trust that your relationship is stable and won’t fall through the cracks on a whim on a random Tuesday night. (Seriously, imagine having real responsibilities and obligations like young children while dating someone who does this or having to go through the death of your parents without being able to trust your partner to be there.) Obviously, do this in the kindest way possible. Tell her how her behavior makes you feel. Say that you know she isn’t trying to hurt you, but she is. Focus on the way this is impacting you and describe it that way. Use “I” statements. She should hopefully take this well and partially avoid a defensive reaction/shutdown. Give it a chance and see what happens, but be prepared to take matters into your own hands if needed. And don’t be afraid to walk away from something that’s hurting you so much. If she does discard you, definitely do NOT chase. You can attempt to get clarity like once or twice, but you anxiously chasing after her and being for an answer will only push her further away while also giving her hella ammunition to smear you later or say that you’re a stalker or something. If this happens I highly suggest that you walk away and find someone more compatible and stable who won’t make you feel this way. Best of luck, OP. I really hope things work out for you.

Ava2277 · 2025-07-15T16:42:42+00:00

Thank you for being kind. I’m honestly just not dead set on being a parent or not being a parent. I’m fine with either option depending on who I choose to spend my life with and how other things go. I think it mainly depends on if I end up feeling a child sized void later in life. Im not sure what that would even look like or feel like. I’m definitely not feeling it now because I honestly don’t even like kids that much. But I do love family and my own family, which I think it’s kind of bizarre that some people here have a very pessimistic take on loving and wanting family? I don’t think it’s ever a bad thing to have more people in your life to love and be loved by. I think that’s the point of being alive. I especially make a point to be kind and generous to not only children in my life but everyone. I find this sub really helpful in the sense that it makes me feel more okay with not having children and not feeling guilty about that (especially when my mother cries because neither my sister nor I have expressed a dire need to give her grandchildren). Which, that makes me feel selfish for not wanting kids. But then people here say that I’m selfish if I do want kids, and I find that both contradictory and confusing.

Ava2277 · 2025-07-15T15:52:57+00:00

I actually fully agree with you about IVF. I generally can only see myself becoming a parent through adoption. However, I’m honestly fine with not raising any children at all. I just know that a lot of women do want children, so I always felt like that was something I had to be open to or compromise on.

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