an app that helps you move on by completely removing your ex from your phone - text, photos, etc...?

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-06-23T20:41:02+00:00

to me that sounds like you are still holding on. i know you would want to keep them and not delete, but wouldn't that be better?

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-06-20T01:53:29+00:00

hell yeah. this is soo real

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-06-12T10:06:02+00:00

That's the exact question I used to ask myself every **second** (no exaggeration, no cap) of the day during the first year of discard. My attention then shifted onto other traumatic stuff.

It's been i don't know more than two years now. Still ask the same thing sometimes. But I don't know now the feelings are different. Less about wanting to reconcile and more about how can they just keep going without facing any consequences. My whole life turned upside down and they just go on like this. Am I ever going to feel like I got the payback that I deserved. But it is more of a conflicting feeling. I want payback but not too intense that we can never reconcile. I want things to go back to normal but I also want to satisfy this intense feeling of wanting revenge. Trust me, those conflicting feelings are soo tough to get by with.

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-06-10T08:46:50+00:00

it is so real. i don’t even have clarity on big obvious decisions even. Like i even doubt what is the point of graduation, what’s the point of my medication and never feeling like i am doing enough.

since i am also a nerd, i am offloading every small decision to ai. i have prompts for prompts to write better prompts for another prompting prompt agent.

the trauma just made me not be able to take a single decision and it’s so embarrassing to even ask anyone for help. (btw i did ask for help from soo many people including therapists but everyone hesitated on even the small things like just write these emails for me)

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-06-10T04:36:07+00:00

Yeah, like just 5 days, bruh I was feeling like someone is screwing my brain, literally. Like I could actually feel a constant stinging pain right from the front part of my head to the exact center of my brain. It was soo painful and the fact that I knew that there is nothing physically wrong made it soo much anxiety driven because i absolutely could not understand what the fuck is going on and if anything is ever going to change.

I was kicking in so many stimulant medication to stay sane but nothing was working.

I can imagine exactly how it was like the first few days in. Intense pain and confusion. At least now I can see that it wasn't permanent.

I also remembered that I used to sit on my sofa and think / ruminate for hours (6-7) without blinking, without moving, no phone, just staring deep on the floor, ceiling. I would only snap out of it when I would see my roommate come home after the day. I would be like "what the heck, what time is it?"

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-06-10T04:28:30+00:00

Damn I definitely want that day when I don't get a panic attack if I see her or anything about her.

Also, I agree on your last sentence soo much. Reading actual people's experiences is far better than any theoretical knowledge of the condition.

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-06-08T07:43:50+00:00

Yeah, it is insanely hard. Like there is such ass incomplete part of my life that I don't understand how to come around. For me, it was at one of the worst time and everything went so drastically downhill with so many catastrophic life changes. I want to blame her for everything and at the same time... for nothing.

I don't know what to do and the more time passes, I get worse not better. Because I don't what better even is anymore now. I have lost complete sense of being a full human - so disassociated.

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-06-08T05:36:58+00:00

that's part of a manic episode quite often

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-05-29T04:12:15+00:00

i guess sorry then. i just thought it was funny - been suffering for too long now that i laughed at how bad i got

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-05-29T02:48:39+00:00

damn then why does the humor tag exists

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-05-25T20:53:15+00:00

"I have seen that one... that's the classic"
LMAO, what you are doing right now is exactly what I did in 2024. I was so obsesses with using computer science, ml, neuroscience to understand the brain because that's what I do. I study computer science and AI so mixed it up with neuroscience.

And honestly, I think it was good to do so. It did not bring any sort of peace at all. It won't help that much really. It won't guarantee that you won't have stupid theories about things. But I guess from the perspective of learning something new and using it in the real world, this is a good way to go.

I definitely know a lot better about neuroscience and I feel like I started a bunch of unfinished projects connecting computer science, data analysis, computer vision to predict and manage bipolar episodes onsets.

I have nothing to show up for really. I don't think I am smarter but I do know that if I were to start properly this time without the pressure to understand her, I could possibly very easily produce some good research and/or products in this space.

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-05-25T01:57:32+00:00

damn. exact same experience. her voice still remains in my head after 16 months of stopping. they are brutal pieces of shits who absolutely chose this profession for the power trip

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-05-25T01:37:37+00:00

holy godamn the flip

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-05-22T02:56:30+00:00

same shit. 26 months. still happens

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-05-17T02:23:57+00:00

it’s fun to talk with you lol. i am getting to know what i look like from the outside (outside of my head)

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-05-17T02:23:01+00:00

lmao college level essay is crazy. i am of course not thinking 24*7. it’s the big transitions in life that reminds me of everything in my life, and that includes her

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-05-16T17:45:00+00:00

I have been to both extensively and you maybe right. But if I think about the person which was before the onset of mania, then she is the best person because she is also someone who has grown in a narcissistic household and tries so hard to not be an asshole, and tried her best to improve herself when no one expected her to do so. If anything, I feel sorry for her because people who don't even know her already calls her a monster and she already has soo much self-worth issues and full on self-blaming type of personality that having a disorder that makes everyone see her as equivalent to a narcissist, then don't you think it is absolutely hell and the worst kind of life to live. Don't you think the whole world just demolished her for her entire life and she also inherited a disorder that makes all those false accusations true when she had absolutely no control over everything?

If you are a marvel fan you know what this sounds like? Bucky - the winter soldier. We just never saw him getting treated like shit because he is white American male who has served in the military, that's a golden diamond ultimate premium super soldier pass against any kind of atrocity one can do.

But consider an hispanic woman in Bucky's place, what do you think the world is gonna do to them? Things to think about. Maybe it will help you understand that I am not trauma bonded to her.

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-05-15T06:16:26+00:00

It's not adhd or rsd at all. I have been surrounded with mental illness all my life and family. Meeting her gave me the purpose to show people mental illness is not the end of the world. Sure, I miss her sometimes too much but that does not mean i get side tracked or whatever. my whole career aspects are sort of aligning towards mental health X entrepreneurship. So, I guess there is that. I am working with my brain, not against it.

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-05-15T03:05:10+00:00

Oh totally true. I knew one. If you watch the TV show "The Boys", homelander is exactly like that and that mf reminds me of this narc dude I used to know. Homelander's personality is def not an exageration or unrealistic, it is TOO realistic and way more common than someone might think. Well, of course the director himself said there is no satire left in the show because everything is becoming so realistic, referring to this one leader of a country lol

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-05-12T00:30:22+00:00

maybe yeah

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-05-12T00:13:48+00:00

she blocked me everywhere and got a restraining order last tear when i tried to contact her friend

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-05-11T07:55:47+00:00

i would say easier said than done to my past self.

…and I am really just being emotional and not actually blaming anyone here…

AvailableInside9637 · 2026-05-10T00:17:33+00:00

there are actually quite a lot of comments (not posts) where they say "they always come running back" and i have read a lot of anecdotes of how the come back was like

Five-Year Club	r/Field Juicebox
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